The Story Thus Far… 

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-9:59PM CT: Well, we’re all here. Is it really Life Day already? Do we open presents or…?

-10:00PM: This shit is so fucked.

-10:03: Second showing. Everyone from the 7:00 is still hanging in the back.

-10:05: Not a metaphor. They literally hung themselves and the police are waiting to remove their bodies until the crowd disperses.

-10:08: Here we go. Not enough cocaine in the world to make this watchable. And yet, my nose is so runny.

-10:09: The opening credits are the best part. Like leading you into a Kenny G concert before informing you the doors lock from the outside.

-10:14: Han Solo in the Falcon chased by two Star Destroyers. Chewie’s pissed. Luke looks like Macauly Culkin here.

10:17: Chewbacca’s wife Mala is HAWT.

10:18: Chewbacca’s dad Itchy is HAWT.

10:19: Even the wookie homeworld isn’t safe from 80s kitsch. Chewie has astro turf carpet.

10:20: Chewie’s son Lumpy is played by a tiny man. Who makes the most nightmarish sounds.

10:22: Mala could stand to lose some pounds. I think Itchy’s touchin’ that kid. Call it an educated hunch.

10:24: A long long time ago, Lumpy watches a spandex circus on Netflix Instant Hologram. It’s not entertaining, but watching him feign enjoyment is. There are clearly some mental deficincies happing with poor Lumpy her. But he comes from all that great Mala stock!

10:25: I don’t think Mala’s gender is ever confirmed. We could be watching a very progressive Chewbacca family way, way, WAY ahead of their time. It doesn’t help that Mala is played by a nine foot tall burly bear of a man. If any of you college kids looking for topics to write ther thesis on, I submit the my words for your consideration.

10:26: We’re JUGGLING! We’re fucking juggling! I peed my pants and now I have to sit in it for two hours.

10:28: Luke phones Mala to wish the fam a happy Life Day. But it’s a drunk dial, no!

-10:30: Hamill is wearing so much make-up. Like he starts at Mrs. Doubtfire and works backwards.

-Art Carney shows up playing Old Dude Looking to Get Paid.

-He’s trying to sell his personal grooming kit to an Empire officer. “Do you want to pay me for it or give me something… For trade?” Sex, he means sex.

-10:36: I should point out that Holiday Special is available in its entirety on YouTube. We’re at the infamous”Whip, Whip, Stir Whip, Stir,” scene. And if you don’t know what that means, you’re one of the lucky ones.

10:38: Two hours of filler in the tradition waterboarding.

-10:40: Tie Fighter stock footage and Han telling Chewie “the coordinates weren’t the best. This is one Life Day we’ll never forget.” My god, how I’d like the opportunity to try.

-10:42: It sounds racist when Art Carney says “wookie.” Why does it sound racist when Art Carney says “wookie”?

-10:44: Kashyyk is a forest planet. In Star Wars Holiday Special terms, Kashyyk is an astroturf planet.

-Itchy’s now jerking it to a Diahann Caroll hologram helmet. Fuck that last sentence and me for writing it.

-10:49: God is dead and this is still happening.

-10:50: Diahann Caroll’s hologram multiplied Agent Smith style. Mind blown.

-10:52: Carrie Fischer shows up, pantomimes “Hi, I’m Drugs,” and defers any further questions to C3PO.

-Han just told Chewie to “get out and walk.” THEY’RE IN FUCKING SPACE.

-10:54: Just wanted to point out that Fucking Space is different from Regular Space.

-10:56: I’m not suggesting 1978′s Holiday Special killed Art Carney, but couldn’t a helped.

-10:57: I’ve just been informed Art Carney died in 2003. My logic remands sound.

-Imperial general watched Jefferson Starship performing “Poop Noises” on a Lite Brite. Either singing into lightsaber microphones or magical dicks that glow purple. Fancy a guess? My money’s on glow dicks.

-11:02: My money is always on glow dicks.

-11:04 I called my dad to come get me outta here. He said I was a disappointment and hung up on me.

-11:06: Holiday Special was the world’s first introduction to Boba Fett. Only watchable part of this shit show. Was drawn in George Lucas’s basement by a staff of four and a half crayons.

-11:10: I’m never going to have sex with a real girl…

-11:11: This special makes me glad Chewbacca is dead.

-11:13: Lumpy’s booting up another hologram. DON’T YOU FUCKING DARE.

-Fett’s a badass motherfucker here. Will not shut up about the time he held his father’s severed head. You think he took it home with him in CLONES or just left it there in the sand? He’s either callous or morbid. There’s no inbetween in the “What does one do with their clone father’s severed head?” department.

-11:18: Earlier in this blog I made an incorrect statement that Lumpy was played by a tiny man. Guy next to me just pointed out Lumpy was played by a tiny WOMAN. Fuck. My. Life.

-An old fart is teaching Lumpy how to assemble a transmitter because  I wasn’t serious about suicide and Star Wars Holiday Special wanted to test that assessment.

-11:23: Jesus was born and 2,000 years later we get Star Wars Holiday Special. Trying to connect the dots of that realization has made my brain wet.

-11:25: Bea Arthur is here with a drink and a song. In the background a guy has a mouth hole on top of his head. Want to put my fist in it.

-11:31: Someone just pointed a gun at Bea Arthur.

-11:32: Who brings a gun to a screening of Star Wars Holiday Special?!

-11:34: Disney has made a terrible mistake.

-11:35: Bea’s still singing. Hatemylifehatemylifehatemyli

-11:36: Guy with the head hole putting the moves on Bea. Head hole does what a wink and a smile cannot, apparently.

-11:37: Saw DJANGO four hours ago. Better times.

-11:39: Chewie makes it home just in time for Life Day. Han: “HERE’S YOUR DADDY.”

-11:40: Leia sings about Life Day but she’s really just looking to score some of that dank Life Day pot.

-11:41: Christmas has been cancelled because George Lucas sold its licensing rights. I’m outta here.

Follow Tim on Twitter: @roboTimKelly