To say Tim Burton’s Alice in Wonderland is one of the least-liked and worst blockbusters of the past generation is an understatement. Perhaps I’m overbearing on my dislike of the film, but it’s guilty of countless things: a lazy video game-like aesthetic from a man responsible for some of the most visually arresting works of the past several decades. An aimless, boring screenplay. Johnny Depp’s overwrought Mad Hatter. Helena Bonham Carter, looking like DK Mode from GoldenEye 007 was enabled for her purpose, screaming every single one of her lines and adding insult to her abominable visual transformation. It’s so wretched that they managed to make Crispin Glover boring.
Even with all the horrendous elements it has against it, the film managed to perform well past box office expectations—thank the safe tentpole, by-committee packaging and fanbase—and claimed two Academy Awards for Best Art Direction and Costume Design. To paraphrase Christopher Moltisanti, put Johnny Depp in the motherfucker? A billion fuckin’ dollars!
Now, Disney is hoping on a billion more from this toilet of a re-imagining, according to Variety. Linda Woolverton, who penned this gateway into sadistic populism, is writing the sequel while also taking control of not only their upcoming Angelina Jolie-fronted Maleficent but a stage musical of the first film.
This was probably inevitable. Hot Topic, congratulations for your pending continuation to thrive in the retail business. Other than that, fuck this movie with a bomb Man on Fire style. To quote myself earlier, I’d rather walk into a lion cage at the zoo with a meat suit on than be threatened with such evil.
I hope Johnny Depp demands so much money that they replace him with George Hamilton as the Mad Hatter and the movie implodes on arrival. No mas.