I have 498 movies in my Netflix Instant queue. I tend to watch one thing for every five that I add, but now my library is close to being full and I have to make room. So, every Monday or Tuesday I’m going to pick a random movie out of my queue and review the shit out of it. But (like Jesus), I’m also thinking of you and your unwieldy queue and all the movies in it you want to watch but no longer have the time to now that you’ve become so awesome and popular. Let me know what has been gathering digital dust in your Netflix Instant library and I’ll watch that, too. One Monday for you and the next for me and so on. Let’s get to it!


What’s the movie? Vampire Dog (2012)

What’s it rated? Rated TV-PG for a fairly constant stream of sodomy, rape jokes and a babies getting punched by clowns. I’m just as surprised as you are.

Did people make it? Written by Tracy McMenemy. Directed by Geoff Anderson. Acted by Collin MacKechnie, Julia Sarah Stone, Amy Matysio, Ron Pederson, Jodi Sadowski, Mark Claxton and the voice of motherfucking Norman MacDonald as Fang!, the goddamned titular Vampire Dog.

What’s it like in one sentence? The longest 90 minutes of my life (and I once got stalked by a bear in Alaska).

Why did you watch it? Because I don’t learn lessons. Also, truthfully, because I wanted to see dogs draining people of all their blood without having to go to Mexico again.

What’s it about in one paragraph? Vampire Dog is starring Collin MacKechnie and Julia Sarah Stone and the voice of Mr. Norm MacDonald as Fang! the vampire dog. The plot of the movie is that Fang! is a hundreds of years old dog who was bit by Vlad the Impaler who was a vampire and made Fang! a vampire like he was which is good because Fang!’s name is now funny, ha. Fang! comes to Lugosi Middle School and meets Ace who is a drummer boy, but can’t play the drums in front of anyone or he gets embarrassed and drums bad and falls over. Ace and Fang! become friends and play in a battle of the bands and fight bad guys without hurting them too badly. I did not like this movie because it reminded me of being dead. I hope you enjoyed my review and I hope it helped you decide whether to see the movie or not.



Play or remove from my queue? I think if you have kids (regardless of age) and make them watch this movie then you should probably not do the whole kid thing anymore. Please, please don’t take offense at that, I just think if you lazily show your children bad things at a young age then you are a terrible parent and should maybe have them taken away from you after some giant social worker either just mashes your genitalia into a jelly or just takes all of your eggs and gives them to someone who will show their kid Pete’s Dragon or An American Tail or some shit. Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure you’re an awesome parent those times you’re not screaming at him or her in the Walmart soda aisle or teaching said child to fear things that are unknown or different, but if you give this movie your money or your children’s impressionable brain, then you’re half-assing your child’s development in a way that’s bad for them, but probably good for Taco Bell time sheets in the future.

Vampire Dog is a perfectly innocuous movie. Shit, Fang! doesn’t even have fangs or drink blood or rip people to shreds and have depraved and filthy rutting on their still steaming corpses. All Fang! wants to do is eat red jelly (which is what they call red Jell-O a hundred and fifty thousand times in this cinematic shart) and help his new owner Ace! win the battle of the bands in order to save Lugosi (ugh) Public School into being shut down and turned a giant pit of semen and shame. If they win the battle of the bands they will become a charter school and shrug off the shackles of public education and enter a hallowed ground of learning where characters will stop saying “OMG!! LOL!” to each other verbally as well as in finger garbage. Seriously. “OMG! LOL.” is a line of dialogue in this growth. Yes, there is a character who is intelligent and into the sciences, but she spends the first hour of the movie hanging out with the mean girls and going along with everything they say. The fact that she follows them so long sends a much worse message than if the first time the mean girls started bullying people, Science Girl threw down some knowledge, Mathnet-style, or showed them their own insides through a microscope. Just one time I want to see one of this new generation of pre-teen movies that has a character who is “finally cool for the first time” just say “fuck it, I’m out” the moment the cool kids start treating others like they’re Martha Dumptruck.

I didn’t like this movie. You shouldn’t play it. You shouldn’t let your kids play it of their own free will. If they try to play it then you have a chance to stop them and give them something intelligent to watch or to put a book in their fucking face. Children’s movies like this have their heart in the right place, I’m sure. All the good guys in the movie are tolerant of Fang! even though he’s 4oo years old and and not born in this country (and likes red fucking jell-o), but having their heart in the right place doesn’t cut it anymore. If you look at something like this and compare it to A Town Called Panic, the excuse “it’s just a kids movie” holds less water than my Uncle Randi (his bladder is small. To hell with your judgments). You can teach about friendship and love and basic human courtesy while also telling a story you put even the tiniest bit of effort into. I learned about friendship from E.T. and about being courteous from  Sesame Street. Mr. Rogers introduced me to death and The Land Before Time introduced me to loss. The only thing Vampire Dog will introduce to your kids is stagnation and early onset diabetes. If you don’t want to teach your kid about that important shit yourself, then find some real, authentic, human voices to do it for you.



Do you have a favorite line? That time the dog said “Jelly” and then ate jelly. 

How’s the music? It wants to be early ’90′s Nickelodeon. but just comes across as late ’90′s Nickelodeon.

What does Netflix say I’d like if I like this? Spooky Buddies (nope), Treasure Buddies(nope), Pets (huh uh), Jock: The Hero Dog (ain’t gonna) and Beverly Hills Chihuahua 3: Viva la Fiesta!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (go outside, Jock…I don’t want you to see this). 

Do you have an interesting fun-fact? Norm MacDonald didn’t kill himself after this movie was made, so good on him. Actually, his voice over work is easily the best part of the production, but that’s like saying a splinter in your urethra is better than a paper cut on your asshole.

What is Netflix’s best guess for Jared? 2.3

What is Jared’s best guess for Jared? 1.AIDS

Can you link to the movie? No. I physically cannot.

Any last thoughts? Go soft into that good night, young turks.

Did you watch anything else this week? I watched Stardust Memories for the first time and loved it. Friday, I shall go unto Oblivion.

Any spoilerish thoughts about last week’s film, Cosmopolis?  I shan’t let Cosmopolis andVampire Dog be spoken of in the same article.

Next Week? Bindlestiffs!

"Where the white women at?"

“Where the white women at?”