Awards don’t matter. Awards don’t matter. Awards don’t matter.

Then why does it still piss me off so much? Here’s a complete list of the nominations, complete with my grumpy opinions:

Movies

Picture, Drama:

12 Years a Slave – Great. Deserving.

Captain Phillips – Great. Deserving.

Gravity – Great. Deserving.

Philomena – I’m sure it’s fine.

Rush – Great. Deserving. More people should have seen this.

Picture, Musical or Comedy:

American Hustle – See it Monday!

Her – See it Soon!

Inside Llewyn Davis – Great. Deserving.

Nebraska – I’m sure it’s totally Dern tootin’.

The Wolf of Wall Street –  Two weeks!

Actor, Drama:

Chiwetel Ejiofor, 12 Years a Slave - Deserving.

Idris Elba, Mandela: Long Walk to Freedom – Haven’t seen it.

Tom Hanks, Captain Phillips – Terrific.

Matthew McConaughey, Dallas Buyers Club – Everything says this is accurate.

Robert Redford, All Is Lost - Very good work by the human-shaped leatherball.

Actress, Drama:

Cate Blanchett, Blue Jasmine – Still need to see it.

Sandra Bullock, Gravity – Very good work.

Judi Dench, Philomena – I’m sure she’s adorable.

Emma Thompson, Saving Mr. Banks - Whatever.

Kate Winslet, Labor Day - OK.

Director:

Alfonso Curon, Gravity – Yep.

Paul Greengrass, Captain Phillips – Yep.

Steve McQueen, 12 Years a Slave – Yep.

Alexander Payne, Nebraska – I’m sure he did a Dern fine job.

David O. Russell, American Hustle – Cannot wait to see it.

Actor, Musical or Comedy:

Christian Bale, American Hustle  – Cannot wait to see it.

Bruce Dern, Nebraska  – If he pulled off a role that isn’t rat-like he MUST WIN.

Leonardo DiCaprio, The Wolf of Wall Street  – Cannot wait to see it.

Joaquin Phoenix, Her  - Cannot wait to see it.

Actress, Musical or Comedy:

Amy Adams, American Hustle  – Cannot wait to see it.

Julie Delpy, Before Midnight – Deserved.

Greta Gerwig, Frances Ha – Ha.

Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Enough Said – We’ll see.

Meryl Streep, August: Osage County – We’ll see. I have major doubts.

Supporting Actor:

Barkhad Abdi, Captain Phillips – Good performance.

Daniel Bruhl, Rush – Amazing work.

Bradley Cooper, American Hustle  – Cannot wait to see it.

Michael Fassbender, 12 Years a Slave – Great work. Equal to Ejiofor.

Jared Leto, Dallas Buyers Club – I hate him so much, but…

Supporting Actress:

Sally Hawkins, Blue Jasmine – Ok.

Jennifer Lawrence, American Hustle – Everything I’ve heard says she’s amazing.

Lupita Nyong’o, 12 Years a Slave – She played that slave, right?

Julia Roberts, August: Osage County - I love her so no horse joke.

June Squibb, Nebraska – She exploded on a guy’s chest?

Foreign Language:

Blue Is the Warmest Color – Saphhic magic!

The Great Beauty – Yawn town.

The Hunt - MADS!

The Past – If it wins we’ll be forced to repeat it.

The Wind Rises – This had better win.

Animated Film:

The Croods – How on Earth can this not be horrible?

Despicable Me 2 – How on Earth can this not be horrible?

Frozen  - How on Earth can this not be horrible?

Screenplay:

Spike Jonze, Her – Undoubtedly.

Bob Nelson, Nebraska - Dernin’ up the charts!

Jeff Pope and Steve Coogan, Philomena – I’m sure it’s adorable.

John Ridley, 12 Years a Slave – Bad third act pacing.

Eric Warren Singer and David O. Russell, American Hustle - CAN. NOT. WAIT.

Original Score:

Alex Ebert, All Is Lost – Nothing like the sound of a face crease.

Alex Heffes, Mandela: Long Walk to Freedom – Too soon!

Steven Price, Gravity – Great. Subtle. Great.

John Williams, The Book Thief - Haven’t heard of this composer.

Hans Zimmer, 12 Years a Slave - 12 Years a Great Score?

Original Song:

“Atlas” (music and lyrics by Chris Martin, Guy Berryman, Jonny Buckland and Will Champion),The Hunger Games: Catching Fire – Suck a fat dick.

“Let it Go” (music and lyrics by Kristen Anderson Lopez and Robert Lopez), Frozen  – How on Earth can this not be horrible?

“Ordinary Love” (music by Bono, The Edge, Adam Clayton, Larry Mullen Jr. and Brian Burton, lyrics by Bono), Mandela: Long Walk to Freedom - U2 are musical geniuses! NO THEY ARE NOT.

“Please Mr. Kennedy” (music and lyrics by Ed Rush, George Cromarty, T Bone Burnett, Justin Timberlake, Joel Coen and Ethan Coen), Inside Llewyn Davis – GREAT.

“Sweeter Than Fiction” (music and lyrics by Taylor Swift and Jack Antonoff), One Chance – Huh?

 

Television

Series, Drama:

Breaking Bad – Anything else wins, I kill everyone.

Downton Abbey - Great.

The Good Wife – Hey it’s that show no one gives fuck about that is a critic’s darling.

House of Cards – Great.

Masters of Sex – Great.

Actor, Drama:

Bryan Cranston, Breaking Bad - The best.

Liev Schreiber, Ray Donovan – The best also.

Michael Sheen, Masters of Sex - Hey look, a best.

Kevin Spacey, House of Cards – So best.

Actress, Drama:

Julianna Margulies, The Good Wife – Award magnet.

Tatiana Maslany, Orphan Black – Orphan is the new Black.

Taylor Schilling, Orange Is the New Black – Orange is the new Orphan.

Kerry Washington, Scandal - How is this show so loved?

Robin Wright, House of Cards – BOOM.

Series, Musical or Comedy:

The Big Bang Theory – Seriously, someone needs to execute this show and its stars.

Brooklyn Nine-Nine - I watched it and tried to like it.

Girls – I don’t get it. At all.

Modern Family - I saw an episode for the first time this week. It’s cute.

Parks and Recreation – Solid.

Actress, Musical or Comedy:

Zooey Deschanel, New Girl – I want to pee pee in her, so sure.

Lena Dunham, Girls – KILL IT WITH MAGMA!

Edie Falco, Nurse Jackie – Solid.

Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Veep – The best. By far.

Amy Poehler, Parks and Recreation – Solid.

Actor, Musical or Comedy:

Jason Bateman, Arrested Development – Great.

Don Cheadle, House of Lies – Tried to like this show. The opposite happened.

Michael J. Fox, The Michael J. Fox Show – Resit the urge!

Jim Parsons, The Big Bang Theory - This guy needs to be Tim Treadwelled.

Andy Samberg, Brooklyn Nine-Nine – Nope.

Miniseries or Movie:

American Horror Story: Coven - Fuck American Horror Story.

Behind the Candelabra – Good, but not the greatness I hoped for.

Dancing on the Edge – Huh?

Top of the Lake – Guh?

White Queen – Fuh?

Actress, Miniseries or Movie:

Helena Bonham Carter, Burton and Taylor – She just can’t not be involved with the name Burton!

Rebecca Ferguson, White Queen – Huh?

Jessica Lange, American Horror Story: Coven – OK, she’s great but fuck this show.

Helen Mirren, Phil Spector – She is always amazing.

Elisabeth Moss, Top of the Lake – Guh?

Actor, Miniseries or Movie:

Matt Damon, Behind the Candelabra – Great.

Michael Douglas, Behind the Candelabra – Great.

Chiwetel Ejiofor, Dancing on the Edge – Fuh?

Idris Elba, Luther – Great.

Al Pacino, Phil Spector – OK.

Supporting Actress, Series, Miniseries or Movie:

Jacqueline Bisset, Dancing on the Edge – She’s still alive?

Janet McTeer, White Queen – I remember when she appeared from nowhere and got nominated and then nowhere happened again.

Hayden Panettiere, Nashville – It’s an honor just to be nominated.

Monica Potter, Parenthood – POTTER IN THE HOUSE!

Sofia Vergara, Modern Family – Adorable.

Supporting Actor, Series, Miniseries or Movie:

Josh Charles, The Good Wife – Josh Charles exists.

Rob Lowe, Behind the Candelabra – Great.

Aaron Paul, Breaking Bad – Great.

Corey Stoll, House of Cards – Ought to win.

Jon Voight, Ray Donovan – The horrible truth about Jon Voight is that he’s a tremendously mediocre, one-note actor these days.