LISTS REBORN: CHILDREN OF THE ACORN

It’s no secret that CHUD has entered a new era.  We’re moving forward and growing by leaps and bounds and we’ve already started bringing you the awesome with more surprises in store.  But, while we’re all for celebrating the long life of the New Flesh, it never hurts to take a look back and celebrate the things we’ve done in the past.  Things like Lists.  They’re a tremendous part of CHUD’s identity and we’ve lost count of how many of you guys have cited them as the reason you got on board with us in the first place.  We’ve done a lot of them – some forgotten, some still mentioned in almost every forum discussion – all of them fun.  So we’re bringing them back.  And what better time than now that our first list under the new regime is well under-way?  So – every Friday we’ll publish a freshly-put-together index of every list we’ve ever done – our Remastered Special Editions, if you will.  Plus, we’ll have a few surprises along the way.  So, without further ado…

Springtime is in the air. The birds are chirping. The flowers are blooming. Pollen is drifting through the wind, taking hold and situating itself to help bring about new and exciting leafy living things to make our lives enriched. As a result, welcome to our latest CHUD List, a look at the 20 best plants in film history. A few things to consider:

Anne Ramsey was not officially a plant, so she is excused from this list. The same goes for Maude Adams, Jack Elam, and that thing on Aaron Neville.

Also, fuck The Happening. And here we go!

Day One – Biollante & Baby Eatin’ Tree (Click to Read!)
Choice Pullquote:  “When is a tree not a tree? When sex-crazed chick druids keep sacrificing children to them. This is the kind of shit that happens to perfectly benign trees, giving them a horrible name. Of course they develop bloodlust. Of course they begin to annihilate everyone who comes near. Confucius had it right when he said “Never trust a goddamn druid”. Granted, the tree is a guardian spirit but it’s simply a pawn in the fatalistic game of kiddie killin’ hate chess orchestrated by the nanny bitch druid asshole.” – Nick Nunziata

Day Two – The Tree of Life & Evil, Talkative Vines
Choice Pullquote:  “The film spans three different time periods, and to a certain degree the tree is present in all of them – be it as a fully fledged Holy entity or as a piece of Guatemalan bark. The Bible states (as well as other sources) that if one were to drink the milky sap that flows from it then they would be granted eternal life. In the film that’s true, but first you would have to endure the internal rupturing of your mortal organs, as foliage bursts forth from every opening it can find. The fun part is when the internal plants decide to make their own openings, and come roaring out of the stomach region!” – Steve Murphy

Day Three – Goblin Chow & The Vegetable Gremlin
Choice Pullquote:  “The Goblins can take the form of humans at will, so they lure people in with promises of love and country hospitality. They feed them weird green foods that start the transformation process. The victim first starts sweating green (“The color of Goblins! The color of sap!”) before melting into a nutritious green paste. It takes about 20 minutes, and serves 6-8 as a side dish.” – Alex Riviello

Day Four – Triffids & Alien Meteor Moss
Choice Pullquote:  “Outer space things generally tend to be tough to kill, and this one is no exception. In fact, there is NO way to combat the spread of the grassy ass unless you happen to have a pump-action Winchester handy and the cool reserve to off yourself, because short of that this creature will keep spreading and spreading and spreading…” – Steve Murphy

Day Five – Swamp Thing & Rape Tree
Choice Pullquote:  “The forest is loaded with demons, but they’re very tired. To awaken them you must recite (or in this case play the unofficial audiobook) ancient incantations, but what are the odds of that happening?  100%.  When awoken they like to take over human bodies, and if you’re really lucky they’ll penetrate your sanctuary with probing vinepenis. This is how they pass the time.” – Nick Nunziata

Day Six – Marshall Matt Dillon From the Stars & The Poltergeist Tree
Choice Pullquote:  “Watching Poltergeist is like taking a tour of your childhood night terrors. Creepy clown? Check. Horrible bugs? Check. Scary thunderstorms? Sure, but why not add a totally terrifying old tree while you’re at it? Every night you ever spent in bed looking at the denuded branches of that ancient oak, thinking it looked like it was about to reach into the window and grab you… Poltergeist validates all those nights.” – Devin Faraci

Day Seven – Killer Tomatoes & Audrey II
Choice Pullquote:  “Why tomatoes? Why not? As the movie itself points out, The Birds didn’t need a backstory to be a clever warning of inevitable events to come, so why should this equally well-made film? These tomatoes were born bad.” – Alex Riviello

Day Eight – Mandrake & Blood Orchid
Choice Pullquote:  “That’s why the mandrake is on this list and not the vaginal tree on the poster. Or Man-Thing. Or the elemental from Hellboy II. Or David Manning, the most dangerous plant of all.  None of the above once were linked to your balls.” – Nick Nunziata

Day Nine – Treebeard & The Pod People
Choice Pullquote:  “A matter of perspective. The pods win their victory by slow, quiet assimilation. But their victory is a hollow one. First, is this simply the first stage in a recursive cycle in which the pods constantly re-cannibalize each other, eventually devolving a planet full of ropey replicants into the space jizz that opens the movie? Doesn’t matter, becase even if not their victory is reduced to that most awful fate — one inconceivable at the time the film was made: an internet meme.” – Russ Fischer

Day Ten – Otik & Weed
Choice Pullquote:  “The pot leaf is harvested from ziploc bags and is easily found all around everywhere in the country, including in the secret compartment of your Millenium Falcon toy.” – Nick Nunziata