So, a lot of people have asked me, ‘How does one get hired by the CHUDs?’ or ‘Are they really, you know, cannabalistic?’ People, people, the good folks at CHUD are just like you and me… except of course they were altered by radiation to consume others. In this age of rising oil prices and food shortages, well, really, they might just be ahead of the game, eh?



Seriously, the CHUDs of old are gone. No more do they hang out in dank subterranean tunnels and pray on innocent passersby. No, todays CHUDs are smart, funny, and completely in control of their impulses, so that the only people who might get eaten are the ones that, well, that deserve it.



Oh, you think you’re too good or moral to eat people? Let me lay down a scenario for you and perhaps you’ll see things my way.

Anyone out there work retail? How about the service industry? I’m willing to bet a kidney there are a lot of you out there (a bet the CHUDs might hold me to). Now, imagine you are at your gig, whether its a bookstore or a bar, and all day everything is roses until right at the end someone comes in and just really takes a crap on your day. It only takes one, right? Well, most of us learn to smile pleasantly and give that person whatever it is they want while inside our souls scream for the opportunity to eat that smarmy grin off their face, Romero style! If you can relate to any of this at all you can see how the CHUDs might just be the next evolutionary stage of humanity. As we continue to overpopulate and pollute the Earth somethings eventually gotta give, right? Nature has a way of thinning the herd, so to speak, why should ours be any different.

Seriously, if you think I’m nuts get with the program. The planet is done taking our abuse and CHUDs are no different. Their origins may lay rooted in (like so many other things in the 1980′s) exposure to nuclear waste, but they have evolved since the days of waiting around for John Heard (not John Hurt, John Heard) and Christopher Curry to thwart the veritable delicatessen of bums and layabouts muddling up our cities. Now adays CHUDs are but one more example of good old Mother Nature’s ever intensifying line of defense against all the terrible things we do to one another. War, exploitation, emo, Kevin Costner movies. This is real folks, and if you can’t get on board with it, well…



All around the world nature is fighting back and Cannabalistic Upholders of Good Taste and Human Compassion (the original title, but alas, CUGTHC does not the spunky acronym make) are not the first, nor the last to take up the fight.

For several years now in Africa elephants have been reported attacking human villages*. In Great Britain giant owls have been reported swooping down and attacking people**. And I’ve recently even heard rumors of giant squid swimming into populated water areas and attacking people despite the inherent danger to themselves.

My god you say, what’s this?

I’ll tell you what it is. It’s a macroscopic version of the scene in the movie where Seagal breaks the arms, legs neck and pinky fingers of the man that kidnapped his daughter, gunned down his neighbor and mussied up his submarine’s mess hall. It’s the scene where Patrick Swayze takes down the lowlifes who are chasing the locals out of his bar. It’s the scene where ol’ sly tears the guys throat out with his bare hands and howls at the moon. In other words,

IT’S RETALIATION BABY!!!
 
So, next time you walk out of your local bookstore with a book on being green safely housed against the elements in a PLASTIC BAG, think about just how far you are willing to go to latch onto the trendy new ‘Green’ wave. Me, I’m a regular Linnea Quigley role for the environment, I’ll go all the way! That being said how could I not accept an invitation to write for such an Earth first organization as… oh, what’s that you say? Cinematic Happenings Under Development?



Hmm.



Well, never mind all that pro-cannabalistic mutant stuff then (*burp*). Who’s seen Indiana Jones then???

 …………………




*Stomping Grounds, Paul Kvinta. National Geographic Adventure, 2004



**http://www.wayodd.com/giant-owl-terrorizing-community-in-england/v/6173/