As a young man my theatergoing adventures consisted of four locations:

  • The Cineplex Odeon in Roswell, GA (late 80′s – early 90′s). This has since become a church. Not a good one.
  • The Hoyts Theater in Roswell, GA (early 80′s – early 90′s). I worked at this theater for three years. It was a nightmare and has since been converted into other movie theaters, all of them extremely small time.
  • The AMC Theater in Alpharetta, GA (early 90′s – early 00′s). This came after my high school years and I was worked in restaurant and retail so most of my discretionary time and income went to movie theaters. I’ve been told that this theater boasts the largest amount of drug deals in the area.
  • The United Artists Theater in Alpharetta, GA (early 90′s – early 00′s). Smelling faintly of vomit, this was the theater I went to (and go to) only when I absolutely have no other choice. It’s now a Regal Theater and now makes a point to feature one Christian film in its listings. Yay!

You’re familiar with Policy Trailers? The little self promotional videos each chain runs asking you to turn off your cellphone, shut the fuck up, don’t smoke, and other delightful ruses? Each theater chain’s policy trailer has their nuances (“Please observe silence” always got me since it’s better to just be quiet rather than observing it) but the most mystifying thing I may have ever seen in theater marketing was United Artists’ decision in their late 90′s policy trailer to have use move through a futuristic landscape only to witness a black gentleman’s head in a sea of popcorn before a white androgynous woman welcomes us. The asexual white chick is in charge of hospitality and the black dude lives in a sea of exploded corn. Sounds about normal.

Here are some important questions:

  1. Why did the black man get trapped in the popcorn?
  2. How did the black man get trapped in the popcorn?
  3. Why did United Artists think a black man trapped in popcorn was a good idea?
  4. Is he clothed or naked in the popcorn? This is key.

I don’t think I have answers.

The bottom line is that in a business where snack containers dance, futuristic roots overtake theater patrons, and dumb roller coasters evade popping kernels nothing can ever compete with the iconic image of a gentleman of color smiling uncomfortably in a prison of empty calories. I can only hope that the actor chosen to portray the star of this Orwellian charade got serious ass for the role because the thought of him being in such an embarrassing predicament is too much to stomach without that silver lining.

I salute you, trapped in popcorn man. I hope you were able to free yourself and find out if that bitch with the boyish figure had anything worth perusing under her Logan’s Run pullover. And then I hope you hightailed it out of town to the barrens, where no one was ever trapped in snacks and people were treated fairly regardless of color, creed, or proximity to eatables.

Watch his trapped ass in all its glory here: