I have a letter column. I’ll answer any questions you ask me. Sometimes without being a sarcastic dick. This is a direct pipeline to whatever it is that I am, so please take advantage of it before I am no more. Use THIS LINK to send a letter, or just post it on our message board HERE.

And now, your letters…

Barry Woodward Asks:

1. Would you be interested in a Judd Apatow produced “Police Academy” remake?

Nick’s Reply: No. Never. Please no, never.

2. Now that Darren Aronofsky has left “The Wolverine”, how would you feel about Robert Rodriguez and Frank Miller taking over directing duties?

Nick’s Reply: How would you feel if someone you loved fell into a chasm and you were forced to spend the rest of your days with their sister with the club foot and club vagina, whom you hate. And she smokes Chesterfields.

3. If you had to come up with a vanity license plate (under threat of death) that would best represent who you are, what would it be?

Nick’s Reply: EDHARRIS

4. There’s a worldwide food shortage so bad that mankind must resort to cannibalism to survive and you happen to be in Los Angeles with your family during this desperate time. Which celebrities would you choose to kill and cook on your George Foreman grill?

Nick’s Reply: Every one of them. Or Ethan Suplee.

5. If you could resurrect a director and get an additional twenty years of films from them, who would you choose?

Nick’s Reply: Hitchcock. Imagine what he good do now. There’d be no better example of someone using technological tools seamlessly than he. I’d also have said Kubrick, but what’s 20 years, three flicks?

6. If Quentin Tarantino wanted to direct another TV episode, which series would you recommend?

Nick’s Reply: One I don’t watch. Or, one that allows for very divergent styles. Or Damages, because what’s the worst that could happen?

7. How highly do you regard the J.J. Abrams scripted film “Regarding Henry”?

Nick’s Reply: Not.

8. What are some films that you’d like to see remade that had great concepts but failed to deliver on them?

Nick’s Reply: I dunno… it’s tough to want that to happen, what with the dearth of  new stuff. I’d always rather new stuff happen. But, I’d like to see stuff like Fallen, The Descent, The Trigger Effect, or Leviathan done better.

9. How would you feel if Shawn Ryan decided to revisit the story of Vic Mackey?

Nick’s Reply: I’d love it. Especially since I think The Chicago Code is a boring nightmare.

10. Which Elmore Leonard character would you like to see cross paths with Raylan Givens in “Justified”: Jackie Brown, Max Cherry, Jack Foley, Ray Niccolette, Chili Palmer, Ordell Robbie or Karen Sisco?

Nick’s Reply: Ray Nicolette. It’d be amazing to just see Michael Keaton show up everywhere.

 

Schwartz Asks:

In your last round, you listed The Shining and Heat as favorite flicks with shite endings.  What’s your beef with those finales?

Nick’s Reply: I wanted Neil to win in Heat. I wanted him to get away, with or without boring Amy. I wanted Jack Torrance to slaughter the shit our of Shelly Duvall and their trembling son. But thematically, I think Heat ended weak. The airport shootout was lackluster and a big come-down from earlier sequences and it felt rushed. In The Shining, once they go outside it’s pretty and visually evocative but the villain gets his ass beat by cold (yes, I know little Danny is cunning but without the assist by the cold he’s a dead little prick). And then a snow cat drives away. After the harrowing and great 2+ hours that preceded, I wanted more.

And while we’re on the topic, what’s your opinion of Sunshine?

Nick’s Reply: It’s good but flawed. Great stuff up until the blurvillain.

How cautious/optimistic are you about Game Of Thrones?  HBO’s original programming future generally?

Nick’s Reply: I have no real feelings for Thrones. I think HBO’s great and always expect the top notch stuff from them. But it all depends on the material.


MichaelM Asks:

1. Cheryl Ladd or Farrah Fawcett?

Nick’s Reply: Farrah. Those nipples. Cheryl Ladd always bored me.

2. Why are all great rock guitarists skinny, while all great blues guitarists tend to be on the heavy side?

Nick’s Reply: Either drugs or a dedication to the stereotype.

3. If the zombie and graboid apocalypse struck tomorrow, what three film and/or TV action heroes would you want to be stuck with?

Nick’s Reply: Rambo, because he’s sit in a jeep with a machine gun and win against all things, and then choose the two sluttiest and hottest female heroes to occupy my time and begin the re-population efforts.

4. How soon into a relationship do I reveal my no-homo love for CHUD’s favorite male character actors (i.e., Walton Goggins)?

Nick’s Reply: Immediately. He deserves it.

5. How soon before we start hearing the F bomb on basic cable nets (FX, A&E, etc.)?

Nick’s Reply: I don’t see it happening. And frankly, we don’t need it.


DersquirrelAsks:

(1) Any tips/suggestions for a prospective professional film editor?  Is a degree in film helpful?

Nick’s Reply: Of course it is, but so is lots and lots of practice. And a lot of reading and watching others do it. Workshops, helping on shorts, and bugging sites like CHUD to help edit segments doesn’t hurt!

(2) You’ve subtlety or directly mentioned multiple times in these Q&As that Scientologists have a frightening amount of influence in Hollywood.  Is that a joke or are they people that really shouldn’t be fucked around with?

Nick’s Reply: They have incredibly deep pockets and lawyers in jars to break the glass of in case anything comes up. Leave them be. Let Paul Haggis do your work for you.


Inkwell Fillmore Asks:

Jake Speed or Remo Williams and why?

Nick’s Reply: Remo because fuck Jake Speed.


Ken Savage Asks:

1. It’s well known that I have an unhealthily obsession with the 80′s cartoon villain, Skeletor.  Which B list villain do you hold dear to your heart?

Nick’s Reply: Godzilla.

2. Will you be visiting the UK soon? And if so will there be a Chud gathering?

Nick’s Reply: I really want to go there and spend a decent amount of time there, but I can’t figure a way to finagle a trip. Especially since I can’t afford it. If I do, there will be massive CHUD gatherings planned. I love our UK readers so much.

3. I am of the opinion that a person’s DVD (or Music) collection can tell you a lot about them. Which film in your collection represents you (as a person) the most?

Nick’s Reply: Boring, but The Thing.


Walker Asks:

What’s up with that “White Slave Traffic” wallpaper in that office pic? Should that be something I should know about? It’s pretty interesting.

Nick’s Reply: I just did a search for white slavery on a whim and that was the bounty.


Crossfire Asks:

I’ve been a fan of this column for years and I am ashamed of myself for never participating.

1. Ron Shelton is apparently bringing a comedic baseball series to TBS called Hound Dogs. As much as I badly desire a baseball series, am I a fool for being too picky and uninterested in this project?

Nick’s Reply: Ron Shelton hasn’t been good in a long time. You have every reason to be skeptical. What are the odds his wife Lolita’s in it? 100.

2. If you were to put together a baseball series, would it be more dramatic than comedic or vice-versa? And what network would you pitch it to?

Nick’s Reply: Dramatic. FX Network, probably. I’d like to get on the field and really show the game within the game, but also delve into the politics and the relationships and the balance between agents, families, fans, and the pressure of the money and fame.

3. Little Big League or The Sandlot?

Nick’s Reply: Not a big fan of either (a little too old for them at the time), but The Sandlot.

4. In this decade, Braves fans will see the following players get inducted into the Hall of Fame: Maddux, Glavine, Smoltz, and Chipper.  If you could choose another Braves player from the 90′s to get in the Hall, who would it be?

Nick’s Reply: I don’t think any others are deserving. I wish they’d kept Klesko and let him hit against lefties. He’d not be Hall-worthy but his career would have been drastically different. One of the truly unsung players of the 90′s and 00′s. And when he hit a home run, he was not cheated.

5. What is the one baseball game you wish you could have been present for?

Nick’s Reply: The World Series winner in ’95. I went to all the home games in ’91 and ’92, some bittersweet years. In 1995 I think I wanted to not jinx them. It worked.

6. Favorite player of all-time? Favorite current player?

Nick’s Reply: Paul O’Neill. Probably Chipper, though there are a lot of guys I’m paying close attention to.

7. Most despised player of all-time? Most despised current player?

Nick’s Reply: There were a lot of guys I hated just on appearance or the teams they played on, but I think Derek Bell might be public enemy #1 based on his laziness and aloofness in everything he did. Guy did not respect the game. Currently, I really do not like Raul Ibanez. I can’t pinpoint why, but I loathe him.

8. Which will happen first: The Cubs win a World Series or the Pirates recover from that ’92 NLCS and finally have a winning season.

Nick’s Reply: Pirates.

9. Your favorite piece of baseball memorabilia is…..

Nick’s Reply: Vin Scully.


Disciple_72 Asks:

-Top three fave movie FX/makeup people overall (can be individuals or a team, a legend from the past or someone who is still working, whatever)

Nick’s Reply: Bottin. Nicotero. Baker.

-Top three specific bits of practical FX work, gore scenes, or makeup jobs that you were genuinely blown away by and unironically love?

Nick’s Reply: The chest cavity in The Thing. The Scanners head. The Piccadilly Circus werewolf mayhem.

-Top unsung hero from this field who languishes unfairly in obscurity, or who you think never got his/her due?

Nick’s Reply: From one perspective they’re all unappreciated. But amongst geeky circles… maybe Chris Walas.

-On a related note, how come Bill “Splat” Johnson don’t post here no more?

Nick’s Reply: We fell out of touch. I love the guy, but he was much too serious and conservative for CHUD in reality. Plus, he does Tyler Perry FX. Which is like Hell, only worse and more stinking.

 

Matalo Asks:

Every person you have ever slept with is invited to a banquet where you are the guest of honor. No one will be in attendance except you, the collection of your former lovers, and the catering service. After the meal, you are asked to give a fifteen-minute speech to the assembly. What do you talk about?

Nick’s Reply: I talk about how my shit’s gotten better since then and then proceed to whip it around the room.


Hunter Tarantino Asks:

1. Where do you think Sucker Punch ranks among film history’s biggest bombs?

Nick’s Reply: It the middle in obscurity where it belongs.

2. Is Sucker Punch worse than Toys or Cool World?

Nick’s Reply: No.

3. Favorite Planet of the Apes sequel?

Nick’s Reply: Beneath.

4. Favorite John Woo film?

Nick’s Reply: Hard Boiled, but I’m afraid to revisit anything of his.

5. I’m sure that you’ve been asked about this several times, but the Movies That Deserve More Love and Essentials list are two CHUD lists that feel like they could be expanded upon. Is there a chance of seeing another go-around with these?

Nick’s Reply: I think so, but frankly I’m a little discouraged about the whole list thing now. I may do a few solo just to heal.

6. Favorite Steven Seagal film?

Nick’s Reply: Under Siege the Law.

7. On a similar note, Seagal or Van Damme?

Nick’s Reply: Van Damme.

8. Lethal Weapon or Die Hard?

Nick’s Reply: Lethal Weapon.

9. Lethal Weapon 2 or Die Hard 2?

Nick’s Reply: Die Hard 2.

10. How do you feel about karaoke?

Nick’s Reply: I love it. We used to do it every Saturday night from 1994-1998.

11. The Weinstein Company’s decision to release a “family-friendly,” PG-13 version of The King’s Speech has caught the ire of many, seeing it not only as a petty victory for censorship but a careless decision in light of the film having great success at the box office and during the awards season in spite of its R rating. Do you agree that this is a slight at the film and its success?

Nick’s Reply: I made my opinion known loud and clear on January 26th.

12. Rationality be damned, two Snow White projects are inching towards taking each other on in 2012. Both of them sound like wretched ideas. Does this have the potential of being the Christopher Columbus or volcano-centric disaster film struggle of 2012, where both movies are massive bombs, or will it mirror the Deep Impact/Armageddon rivalry where both films are successful and aren’t good?

Nick’s Reply: I don’t think it matters, does it? I think they’re twin dogshits we best avoid.

13. How are you feeling about the prospects for Sons of Anarchy‘s fourth season?

Nick’s Reply: I’m pretty excited.

14. Favorite season/character of The Sopranos?

Nick’s Reply: They blend together for me, frankly. I really loved both parts of 6 actually. My favorite character evolved a lot. Sometimes it was Silvio, others Paulie, and others Bobby. In the end, Tony was always the glue and I harbor a hope that the ending wasn’t his ending.

15. Are you a fan of Peter Weir’s Fearless?

Nick’s Reply: I am, even though there’s way too much Rosie Perez for healthy survival.

16. What Oscar winner, regardless of their winning performances, has had the worst career post-victory?

Nick’s Reply: Kim Basinger.

17. Recently, I saw about a minute of Beverly Hills Cop III on Cinemax and was repulsed by how utterly awful it was. Granted, I only enjoyed the film when I was a kid, but it’s hideous now. Do you think it’s basically a human-rights violation?

Nick’s Reply: It’s a fucking blight.

18. If whales had clear, humanlike voices, would they sound like Peter Weller or Tony Todd?

Nick’s Reply: They’d sound like a perfect mixture of Marlee Matlin and Ted Levine.

19. As a New Jersey native and resident, has the abomination that is Jersey Shore skewed your views of the state?

Nick’s Reply: Never watched it, never will. I’m from New York, however.

20. Do you prefer Rutger Hauer as a hero or a villain?

Nick’s Reply: A hero, surprisingly.

21. Professional wrestling: an intriguingly moronic spectacle or a national problem?

Nick’s Reply: I’ve grown to find it harmless to people like me. It keeps a percentage of society from being out in the world doing other, worse things.


Felix Asks:

1) Let’s set the record straight. Is Princess Kate gone forevermore?

Nick’s Reply: Is there forever on the MB? Some of the people I’ve let back should have been gone forever but I’m a sweetheart. I will say that Kate is pretty prominent on GUY.com’s boards now.

2) Do you have a favourite Fantasy Book Series (e.g Jim Butcher’s The Dresden Files)?

Nick’s Reply: Not really. I don’t like all these properties that are long series’. It’s a sham. I want nice self-contained books that don’t require too much peripheral research. The last fantasy thing I read was an S.M. Sterling book and I got bored out of my ass. I think I’m done with fantasy.

 

Walker Asks:

When  it comes to watchng a television series, do you prefer waiting and catching them on DVD or catching them week by week?

Nick’s Reply: I use iTunes most of the time and watch them in big chunks on the iPad. The only ones I watch weekly at their scheduled time are ones we do reviews for on CHUD.


Barkatthemoon asks:

1) Do you have any interest in watching 3D movies at home?

Nick’s Reply: Sure, but I can’t foresee the expenditure for quite some time.

2) Do you plan to purchase the Star Wars movies on blu-ray later this year?

Nick’s Reply: No.

3) Kinda funny production on The Hobbit really kicked into high gear once Peter Jackson was in the director’s chair huh?

Nick’s Reply: I guess it was inevitable.

4) You mentioned buying a guitar with some Musicians Friend credit. What kind of guitar was it?

Nick’s Reply: And ESP. It plays like a fucking dream. It’s lightweight and the strings are real close to the neck so I can crunch like a villain.

5) Did you ever pad your shoes to appear taller to a member opposite sex, only later to be caught at your actual height?

Nick’s Reply: Hell no. I can’t control my height. It’s out of my control, if that’s a dealbreaker for someone they aren’t worth knowing.


Devildoubt Asks:

What do you think is wrong with the boards and how would you fix them?

Nick’s Reply: I don’t honestly know. I am trying to make CHUD and GUY vibrant and alive with content and have tried to upgrade the boards to a format that will carry us to many years from now. I think the boards and should be as good as they were before the switch. They’re not that different. It’s just a matter of keeping people interested and engaged. I’m at a loss. Way I see it, all we’re doing is giving and giving. That said, there have been some technical hiccups that really hamstrung us.


Anderson Asks:

You find a can of gasoline and a match. What do you burn first?

Nick’s Reply: Utah.


Hammerhead Asks:

How many more Dan Fogler films are still on the shelf, waiting to be inflicted upon us?

Nick’s Reply: If there’s a God, none. If there’s a vengeful God, Fogler will appear in all.

What can I do to convince folks that Super is the ultraviolent, hilarious, fucked-up ‘homegrown superhero’ movie we’ve been waiting for?

Nick’s Reply: We’re waiting for one? Haven’t we had enough?

Did you ever expect that one day fans would complain that there are too many Superman projects in the pipeline?

Nick’s Reply: I’m the wrong guy to ask. In my mind, one is too many.

Nice weather we’re having, isn’t it?

Nick’s Reply: Beautiful. Baseball weather.

Got anyone covering WonderCon this weekend?

Nick’s Reply: I think we have someone there for GUY.com.


Randolph Carter Asks:

What would happen if you stood in front of a mirror and said “Tony Todd” five times?

Nick’s Reply: I’d get bored of namedropping boring.


BraveJoe 24 Asks:

Which parts of The Hobbit does Peter Jackson have to nail in order to live up to the inevitable LOTR comparison?

Nick’s Reply: I don’t think it can, but if the character stuff works, it’ll work well enough to justify existing. Of course the action and creature stuff will be neat, but the secret to the first trilogy was Gandalf and Aragorn and Theoden and the other richly realized characters.

Explain LOTR’s cultural legacy in relation to the great films (Jaws, Godfather, Casablanca etc)

Nick’s Reply: Right with them as an equal.

Unrelated- Favorite Ron Eldard role?  Favorite Ron Rifkin role?

Nick’s Reply: The Last Supper or Sleepers, and LA Confidential.