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STUDIO: Vivid
MSRP: $22.00
RATED: XXX
RUNNING TIME: 4 hours
SPECIAL FEATURES:
* Positions Menu
* Behind the Scenes
* Photo Gallery
* Bonus Scene

The Pitch
The Bill Bixby/Lou Ferrigno TV adaptation, with fucking.

The Humans
Actors: Dale Dabone Lily La Beau, Randy Spears, Lee Stone, Tori Black
Writer-Director: B. Skow

The Nutshell
David Banner (Dale Dabone) is a scientist. When he and his wife (Tori Black) get into a car wreck, Banner is unable to save her when she becomes trapped. This leads to an obsession with unlocking the potential of super-human strength. He is helped in the lab by a fellow sexy scientist (Lily La Beau), who is secretly in love with him and has lengthy fantasies involving epic boinking. Banner finally experiments on himself, and unleashes the Incredible Hulk (Lee Stone), who – quoth Vivid Entertainment – is “not a fearful monster, but a super-ripped green-skinned sex machine!” I think they meant “fearsome monster” but you get the picture. A buff guy covered in green paint and wearing a silly Ferrigno Hulk wig does some fucking.

"Hulk smash... that ass!"

The Lowdown
When I started writing for CHUD it never occurred to me that I might be writing a review for a porno someday. Why would I? But the fact that I’m typing these words and you’re now reading them on the (questionably) respectable pages of CHUD is a testament to how culturally pervasive the new “XXX A Porn Parody” brand has become. It seems like every month BuzzFeed or some similar site posts a new SFW trailer for a shockingly legit looking porn movie parodying material as diverse as The Big Lebowski and The Big Bang Theory. And of course nerd bait parodies of things like the 70′s Hulk or Star Wars are going to get at least some attention from sites like CHUD. Just the fact that porn giant Vivid Ent. felt justified offering set visits to their Star Wars parody shoot shows how far things have come recently. So when Hulk XXX came down the pike to me, it frankly felt totally natural…

Until I sat down to watch it.

Like any red-blooded male worth his salt, I watch porn. But I haven’t watched a porno for recreational entertainment, beginning to end in one sitting, since high school — when co-ed gatherings of my friends and I were first awkwardly embracing our blossoming sexual interests in asinine ways. If you haven’t done so recently (or ever), watching a porn movie, even a porn parody, as though it were a real film is nearly impossible, not to mention crushingly boring. Are all porn movies 4 hours long these days? I hadn’t realized how much “vintage” porn I apparently watch until it dawned on me that the second disc in this two-disc set wasn’t bonus features, but the rest of the damn movie. I’ll be honest with you, I chapter-skipped and fast-forwarded through the vast majority of the sex scenes in Hulk XXX. Of course, that is directly disregarding the entire raison d’etre of the film; a bit like skipping all the fight scenes in a kung fu movie. But CHUD isn’t a porn site. Vivid has been using its XXX A Porn Parody brand to tap the mainstream as a fun and hip form of silly entertainment, so I’m gonna review it based on those terms. You don’t need CHUD’s help jerking off. But how does the film stand up as a humorous diversion?

The most entertaining portion of the DVD for me was actually the pre-menu ads and other promotional nonsense that plays automatically when you fire up your player. It was like watching a Disney DVD; it seemed to never end. The big winner here was the entirely serious anti-piracy PSA Vivid made, featuring de-glammed pornstars sincerely informing us of the wrongs of illegal porn streaming and torrents. I’m not saying that I support the illegal sharing of intellectual property (ha) on the Internet, but I just couldn’t stop laughing. I actually chapter-skipped back and rewatched it a second time. I think Vivid should have played things a bit more tongue-in-cheek, which would have actually been a bit more honest — have one of the girls say, “I let ten dudes fuck me in one day because I am getting some residuals from this film. But you’ll be fucking me most painfully of all if your bittorrent means I’ll never see those residuals.”

"You WILL like me when I'm angry."

About one-minute into the actual film itself I realized the obvious — I’m watching a regular porn movie. It wasn’t that I had a pre-conception that I wouldn’t be watching a regular porn movie, so much as I just hadn’t thought about it at all. I get sent movies in the mail. I pop them in and get ready to take some notes. Subconsciously my brain was in CHUD review mode. Then a porno happened.

I think porn parodies are inherently hilarious. The lover of dumb comedy in me is happy with this resent upswing in porn parody production, but I’m also a little angry too. Why? Because the XXX A Porn Parody brand has done away with my absolute favorite part of the porn parody subgenre: the hilarious pun title! Thumbs down to this marketing shift. Since I rarely actually see these films, it is their mere existence that mostly serves to amuse me. Vivid killed the hilarious puns! Gone are the days of Edward Penishands, Broadcast Nudes, The Blown Ranger, Good Will Humping, Saturday Night Beaver, and Rambutt. I’ve only seen one of those films, but the stupid genius of their titles have stayed with me (come on, Rambutt? That’s comedy gold). This film should have been called The Sincredible Bulk or something. That said, the general approach to the porn parody is still alive in Hulk XXX.

Aside from the title pun, the other basic porn parody gimmick that is inherently fun is how the basic concept of the source material is tweaked to make it about sex. For example, in Hulk XXX, sexual frustration is now the key to Banner’s transformation into the Hulk. Although, the funny mostly stops here. While I suppose a certain amount of respect can be given to Vivid’s decision to fairly faithfully replicate the serious tone of the Bill Bixby Hulk series, that decision also ends up making the film a bit of a drag. Some corny jokes would have gone a long way towards making this more entertaining. As is, most of the laughs come from the typical unintentional places — the sound of a crew member’s cell phone ringing in the background, or a crew member’s shadow blatantly visible on screen, or the actor playing David Banner “cleverly” covering up his copious arm tattoos by never taking his long-sleeved shirt off, even during set.

The film also needs way more of the Hulk to function as a non-masturbatory viewing experience. The big green guy doesn’t appear until disc two, and even once he finally arrives on screen he only has 2.5 scenes — menacing some friendly lesbians in the woods, Hulk-boning the sexy scientist, and then the very end. Oddly enough, I had a similar problem with the actual Hulk series a kid. So Hulk XXX certainly can’t be called unfaithful. And I’m assuming the parody ended up that way for the same reason its source material did: time = money. It has to take forever to paint a giant buff guy completely green. And at least no one had to green-up Lou Ferrigno’s dick, ass and taint (excuse me while I vomit that mental image out of my mind). I’m just assuming this was less a narrative choice and simply that they couldn’t create the Hulk more than once or twice. There is some intrinsic amusement to be found in watching someone painted completely green engage in standard porn antics, especially as the green paint slowly wears off. By the final positions of Hulk’s one sex scene the sexy scientist’s various orifices have completely stripped the actor’s johnson of green paint, leaving him with a conspicuously flesh-toned appendage. Which is as funny as it is subtly unsettling.

If you routinely watch feature-length porn, this is probably a winner. But if you rarely or never do, and were thinking maybe this would be a funny one to check out with your friends or girlfriend or boyfriend, I will again point out that it is 4 hours long. It was not designed to be watched as a movie. A vintage 90-minute porn parody will probably have 5-minute sex scenes. Hulk XXX‘s sex scenes are about 20-minutes long. Possibly there is a truncated version out there, and Vivid sent me the Lord of the Rings extended edition. I don’t know. As an inspiration for self-abuse, obviously those 20-minute scenes will likely be warmly welcomed, but trying to watch this as even drunken recreation is a whole different kind of self-abuse.

"You no worry. Hulk still totally respect you after this."

The Package
As I said, the two-disc nature of this set is due to the length of the feature, not bonus material. For extras, there is an extra fucking scene, and some behind-the-scenes footage that will only be of interest to those with a serious love of the pornographic world.

Once again, I’m not rating this as a porno, but as something you might watch outside of a regular pornography setting. As material for your private pud-pulling sessions, or a play-along-with-the-movie evening with your sexual partner, I’m sure Hulk XXX is just dandy.

Rating:
★★☆☆☆

Out of a Possible 5 Stars