We’re usually taught to respect our elders, but there have been plenty of characters in film who never quite got that memo. There’s a long and proud tradition in movies of elderly abuse and bad doings being transgressed on the 4:30 dinner crowd. This is the generation that did things like survive the Great Depression, fight the Nazis (and the Reds!), raise our parents and all too often us. One would think they’d earned a bit of consideration like guaranteed Social Security, adult diapers that don’t leak or generally not getting the shit beat out of them and snuffed like some third-rate red shirt. In this CHUD list, we’re going to take a look at a batch of old timers who, unfortunately, turned into having-a-really-bad-timers.
The Film: The Birds (1963)
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The Director: Alfred Hitchcock
The Elder: Dan Fawcett
An old man who lived alone in a small Northern California town just minding his own business. He had no clue that hundreds of birds decided to pick this quiet town and begin their quest for world domination right at his doorstop. These birds were crazy and people like Mr. Fawcett needed to be wiped off the planet, and the only reason is…because they could!
The Abuse: Pecked to death by a mob of birds.
We are not sure whether Mr. Fawcett got the memo that birds were wreaking havoc in this quiet town but he pretty much was asking for it. He left the bedroom window open overnight and if there is one thing killer birds can spot it is curtains fluttering in the windows. In the case of Fawcett forgetting a vital tactical maneuver such as leaving a bedroom window open is a sure sign that you are doomed, and the result will cause your eyeballs to be plucked out and enjoyed as dessert.
Lack Of Respect By: The Birds
These birds did not give a shit who they attacked. Whether it was children, adults or the elderly, they were sick and tired of the human race and decided now was the time to enact revenge on a species who fed them cheap bird seed and scraps of bread periodically. They wanted respect.
Did he Have It Coming? In all fairness Mr. Fawcett was not even out of bed when these wild birds with an attitude decided to get all bad ass on him. They must have known if they would have allowed the old guy time to get dressed he would have put up a good fight. These birds had a battle plan and knew Mr. Fawcett had to be taken out swiftly.
Could the AARP Have Helped? No, this situation would need the assistance of the Humane Society with a team from Animal Planet tagging along to film the carnage these two legged beasts unleashed.
If Nature Had Taken Its Course? He would have died alone and forgotten about until Mrs. Brenner came by to check in on him. I mean on the day Mr. Fawcett was killed there was a mechanic right outside the old buggers residence all morning and when Mrs. Brenner asks “is Mr. Fawcett home?”, George replies “I think so, I ain’t seen him this morning but he ought to be in there.” It was only a matter of time before Mr. Fawcett bit the dust and was left to rot.
What Andy Rooney Might Say: Call me old-fashioned, but I have a few issues with how Mr. Fawcett and the town as a whole prepared for battle. First there should have been barricades on all the windows and I am a little disappointed that Mr. Fawcett did not see this coming. He looks to be the age where he might have served in World War II and trust me, anything and everything took place at the time. I should know as I was there and it reminds me of how the allies tricked Hitler by placing a dead body with false plans in a briefcase on the beach. Hitler took the bait and moved a large portion of his troops away from Normandy and the rest, as they say, is history.
Now Mr. Fawcett should have gotten word that there were hundreds of birds in a different location and he would have spotted the similarities with the Normandy invasion trick. See, these birds did this to fool everyone as their plans involved striking Mr. Fawcett’s residence and then attacking the whole town.