It’s the holidays…again…and in the midst of all the typical crap like breaking out the decorations for the house and erecting the false trees or buying the real ones and scrambling to get out the Christmas cards to people we don’t ever talk to anymore, we here at the Sewer are once again taking stock of the many gifts we’ve gotten from the movies over the years and celebrating them in the form of our own demented little Christmas carol we like to call the 12 Days of CHUDmas.
Over the next 12 days we’re going to be counting down – in reverse order, cause screw the original carol, counting up sucks – these gifts and tying in the entries with some gift ideas to help take the sting out of that last minute trip to the store to snag something for that cousin who decided to be a considerate douche and send you a present after five years of non-communication.
On the eighth day of CHUDmas my true CHUD sent to me…
Four Stones a Elementin’
Film: The Fifth Element
Director: Luc Besson
So how do you really classify The Fifth Element as a genre film? Is it a rollicking space adventure? A messianic tale of a supreme being sent here to save us? A slapstick comedy wrapped in a dystopian futuristic saga? A visual explosion culled from some fever dream or acid trip of a mad Frenchman? Simple answer: Yep.
What it is is awesome. A jolly good time on all sides with plenty of action, stylistically-executed production and costume design, Bruce Willis doing what he does best with a smirk on his face the whole time, Gary Oldman at his most sedate…and weird…and, oh yeah, 22-year-old Milla Jovovich badabooming our wet dreams in a bandage bikini, speaking a language we don’t understand, but could listen to all day.
Jovovich is Leeloo, the supreme being created to save mankind – with the help of four elemental stones – from the eventual menace of the Great Evil, who appears every five thousand years to try to wipe out the Earth with moon-sized gigantic fireballs. When her arrival to Earth on the eve of the threat goes awry thanks to mercenary aliens called Mangalores, Leeloo is recreated by human doctors. But she escapes and literally crashes into the cab – and life – of Korben Dallas (Willis), a former Special Forces operative turned cabbie.
Together, and with the help of Leeloo’s contact, Father Vito Cornelius (Ian Holm), his assistant, David, and supremely annoying radio host, Ruby Rod (Chris Tucker), they have to retrieve the stones from a starliner and get them back to the temple on Earth, along with Leeloo, in time to save mankind. The antagonist of the piece is evil industrialist, Jean-Baptiste Emanuel Zorg (Oldman), who was hired by the Great Evil to destroy the stones. He farms out the job to the Mangalores, and when they don’t deliver, he double crosses them.
When it’s discovered that the stones are actually being transported via an interstellar singing sensation, Plavalaguna (she ended up passing some stones), on the starliner, Korben, Leeloo, Cornelius, Zorg and the Mangalores all descend up it and all hell breaks loose with bullets flying and shit (and Mangalores blowing up). When the stones are recovered, it’s a mad scramble back to the temple to save the world:
Of course, the last-minute save was almost derailed by a gust of wind on a match and the letter W of all things (goddamned learning database). But a lot of people went through a lot of trouble to get those stones, and it was damned fun to watch.
CHUDmas Gift Ideas