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Accurate Ad Slogans They'd Never Use

post #1 of 92
8/2/07 at 2:16am
Thread Starter 
Vault: Cheaper Than Water!

Fanta: Not Just For Nazis Anymore!
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post #2 of 92
8/2/07 at 5:16am
Pepsi: Fuck Teeth!

Johnny Walker: The Classy Way To Get Drunk!
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post #3 of 92
8/2/07 at 5:42am
Bacardi 151: Fuck Life.
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post #4 of 92
8/2/07 at 9:33am
Wal-Mart: We Hate All that is Good and Right
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post #5 of 92
8/2/07 at 9:34am
Hardee's/Carl Jr.'s : Choke it Down, Meat Pile.
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post #6 of 92
8/2/07 at 9:36am
Everclear: Slide Into a Family of Six after only One Drink!
General Motors: Please Help
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post #7 of 92
8/2/07 at 9:40am
Tampax: 'Cause You're Gonna Bleed
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post #8 of 92
8/2/07 at 9:43am
Rohypnol: World's #1 Date Rape Drug!
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post #9 of 92
8/2/07 at 9:49am
United Airlines: Hey, Accidents Happen.™
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post #10 of 92
8/2/07 at 9:50am
Thread Starter 
any US auto company: You Want Thousands Of Workers To Lose Their Jobs, Asshole?

Bennigans: The Irish Taco Bell! (I once used that one in the restaurant, not knowing the waitress was right behind me)
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post #11 of 92
8/2/07 at 11:07am
Virginia Tech: Now with better student:teacher ratios!
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post #12 of 92
8/2/07 at 11:11am
Taco Bell: Turns Your Farts into Shits!

(Stolen from Matchstick on a podcast).
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post #13 of 92
8/2/07 at 11:20am
Valtrex : For God's Sake Stop Fucking.
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post #14 of 92
8/2/07 at 11:25am
Dell Latitude D820: When 45 minutes of battery life is enough!

yeah, I'm pissed at my work computer...
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post #15 of 92
8/2/07 at 11:27am
Jergens: Go fuck yourself!
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post #16 of 92
8/2/07 at 11:32am
Apple: But We're So Preeeeeeeeeeeeety!

The Atlanta Falcons: Doggone Fun!
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post #17 of 92
8/2/07 at 11:34am
Cialis: So she won't leave your sorry, impotent ass.
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post #18 of 92
8/2/07 at 12:08pm
RealDoll: Just keep it at home and stay the fuck away from society.
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post #19 of 92
8/2/07 at 12:09pm
KY Warming Lubricant: "AAAAUUUUGGGHH!!! IT BURNS!! IT BURNS!!"
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post #20 of 92
8/2/07 at 12:11pm
Walt Disney World, Orlando: 'You're an old, lonely man in a state-run nursing home. You're too frail to move, and can't even get up to see out the window. Chester, your roommate, has a bed beside the window, and spends his days telling you about the wonders he sees every day- children playing, kites flying, squirrels climbing trees, pretty young ladies.

You hate him. That smug, grinning fuck. He didn't raise three whining, ungrateful brats only to have them turn their backs when things got bad (You never took us anywhere fun, they said. Fun? Since when is life supposed to be fun?). He didn't spend two tours overseas. He didn't get sepsis and nearly die because one of his own squad shot him in the back. Why should he get the bed by the window? No, it isn't fair. You're going to kill him.

So, one dark and moonless night, you drag your pathetic proto-corpse across the floor to his bed, wrap your dry, rat spine fingers around his mouth, and wait for his heart to stop beating.

It doesn't take long.

You drag yourself back to bed and pretend to sleep. The nurses find his body in the morning, and cart him away. Ms. Aberdeen, the head nurse, delivers the good news an hour later: It looks like the spot by the window has opened up, Mr. Christie, she says. The bed wheels shriek against rusted fittings as she moves your bed across the room. You struggle to sit up, still exhausted from the unpleasantness of the previous night. You look outside, only to see a gray cement wall covered in soot and bird shit. You clench your rat spine fingers and hold your breath until you pass out.'
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post #21 of 92
8/2/07 at 12:16pm
Nicorette: cuz you gotta put something in your mouth
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post #22 of 92
8/2/07 at 12:20pm
The GOP: Take heart, America...at least we won't get it in your eye.
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post #23 of 92
8/2/07 at 12:46pm
IRS: Suck it hard, suck it long

Jack Daniels: Only uptight Wasps drink Johnny Walker
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post #24 of 92
8/2/07 at 1:04pm
Camel: Fuck Lungs!

Buttplugs: So you don't shit yourself
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post #25 of 92
8/2/07 at 1:09pm
APPLE: You can't really hold US responsible for the cunts that buy our products, can you?
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post #26 of 92
8/2/07 at 1:14pm
A classic one from Mr. Show:

Abortion: We'll bring the kid out in you!
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post #27 of 92
8/2/07 at 1:17pm
Oxycontin: Because some of us are too poor for heroin.
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post #28 of 92
8/2/07 at 1:19pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Quarant
Camel: Fuck Lungs!
Camel Unfiltered: Fuck your lungs six ways from Sunday

Pabst Blue Ribbon: The offical drink of nitrous hitting, fuck toasting, muff diving baby thieves.
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post #29 of 92
8/2/07 at 1:27pm
The Chicago Cubs: Because sympathy is so much sweeter than victory.

Coors Light: Why should beer have flavor? Millions of college students can't be wrong!
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post #30 of 92
8/2/07 at 1:28pm
DC Comics: 'cause you'll buy anything

MacDonalds: MoneyMoneyMoneyMoneyMoneyMoneyMoneyMoneyMoneyMoney MoneyMoneyMoneyMoneyMoneyMoneyMoneyMoneyMoneyMoney
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post #31 of 92
8/2/07 at 1:35pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Doc Happenin
A classic one from Mr. Show:

Abortion: We'll bring the kid out in you!
NAMBLA: We're not killers!
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post #32 of 92
8/2/07 at 2:01pm
Trojan Condoms: Where the rubber meets the choad.
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post #33 of 92
8/2/07 at 2:03pm
Trojan Condoms: We're named after an army that infiltrated a walled city by sneaking inside disguised as a gift, waiting for everyone to get drunk, then bursting forth and invading the shit out of them. Think about this for a minute.
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post #34 of 92
8/2/07 at 2:08pm
Magnum Condoms: I know what you're thinking. "Did he fire six shots or only five?" Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement I kind of lost track myself.
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post #35 of 92
8/2/07 at 2:22pm
VIAGRA: Its a boner in a bottle.
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post #36 of 92
8/2/07 at 2:26pm
Ramses Condoms: You know. For cocks.
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post #37 of 92
8/2/07 at 2:28pm
ExxonMobil: Raping the Planet so You Can Take Your Fat Kids to School in Your Fuck-Off SUV
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post #38 of 92
8/2/07 at 2:28pm
Trojan condoms: Because you're pretty sure she has chlamydia.
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post #39 of 92
8/2/07 at 2:32pm
Budweiser: Looks Like Piss, Tastes Like Piss, Destined to be...Piss.
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post #40 of 92
8/2/07 at 2:45pm
Marijuana: Because you're too pussy to try cocaine.
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post #41 of 92
8/2/07 at 2:50pm
Chewers' Message-board: When you're too lazy to talk to co-workers!
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post #42 of 92
8/2/07 at 2:55pm
Huffing: When you're too stupid or poor to buy pot
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post #43 of 92
8/2/07 at 3:43pm
Ford: Because the guy sweeping the floor DESERVES $25.00/hour, dammit!

Target: Not nearly as embarassing as being at Wal-Mart.

Red Lobster: Because even white trash need a "nice place to eat"
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post #44 of 92
8/2/07 at 4:00pm
Oscar Mayer hot dogs: The meat you can't beat.
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post #45 of 92
8/2/07 at 4:03pm
White Castle: We help you shit. hard. and constantly.
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post #46 of 92
8/2/07 at 4:04pm
Olive Garden: We won't even pretend to be authentic, just eat the shit.
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post #47 of 92
8/2/07 at 4:09pm
Steel Reserve: 'Cause your sure as shit not drinking it for the test.
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post #48 of 92
8/2/07 at 4:09pm
Wal-Mart: 'cause where else you gonna go cock sucker?

Guitar Hero: All the fun of being a rockstar without all that sex!
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post #49 of 92
8/2/07 at 4:10pm
Nation's punched: Inducting new members one fist at a time

Hipsters: This generation's hippies but with fancier haircuts and shittier clothes
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post #50 of 92
8/2/07 at 4:13pm
Nintendo Wii: Exercise? Uh, yeah. Yup. Exercise. Sure!
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