Me and the missus split up

That sucks. A lot of people will tell you things like "I'm sure you'll work it out". Personally, I don't believe anyone should stay in a relationship that makes them unhappy, whether it's a casual friendship or a marriage. Hell, I haven't talked to my mother in years, because I can't stand the way she treats people. Good luck to you and your stuff.

Sorry for the split, but speaking from experience, I can say that you should never stay in a lousy relationship for one minute longer than you have to.

If she fucks your shit up, then you can fuck her shit up, leading you both to take several hilarious, increasingly violent measures (one possibly involving a chandelier) in an attempt to top each other. This'll no doubt end up with you both realising that you really do belong together. I'm not sure how I figured that out, but goddammit thas some good advice right there!

Well, except for the ending, you just described War of the Roses.

Jesus. That sucks...but I really hope your DVDs are the only child-like things you own.

Take your sister and/or her fiancee and get as much of your stuff as you possibly can while she's at work. Assuming she works.

My only advice. Best of luck.

And in the end, if you don't look out for yourself in situations like these, then what's the point of being in that situation at all?

Chick Logic 311: Breaking up is Easy to Do

You've come to the realization that the age old adage "No matter how good looking she is, there's some guy, somewhere, sick of her shit" is 100% true. Your relationship is done, fini, kaput, D.O.A., 86'd, etc. Now the big question is what do you do to get as far away from her as possible? The following are your guidelines to getting the hell out of there:

1) Are you leaving or is she? Assuming co-habitation, the important question is who's getting stuck with the rent. Leases/ownership in one person's name solves that quickly, both names invokes lawyers from the 9th circle of hell. If your name is somewhere on the lease, then you should STAY. Reason being is that if she decides to go Wesley Snipes in "Demolition Man" on the location, you're going to be partially responsible for the damages. Wait til she's off to work, going out drinking, at the guy she's been sleeping with behind your back's house, and run - don't walk- to the nearest hardware store to buy new locks (Apartments, see if the manager will change them at your expense). Pack her a couple of suitcases to set outside the door, and when she attempts to return, let her know through a closed door that she can schedule a time to come and get the remainder of her belongings.

If she's staying (because it's her place) and you still have keys, sneak in while she's out and gather EVERYTHING that belongs to you. Leave nothing behind, as it will become an intense object of hatred that will suffer her misdirected wrath at you. If you don't have access, Let her know the exact time/date that you (and possibly a moving truck) are coming to gather your stuff. Let her know you will contact authority figures to enable you access if she refuses.

2) Any shared bills/utilities/etc. stop immediately if in your name. Do not be a nice guy and continue to pay them, because she's not going to be a nice girl. Just imagine how much a cable bill with every PPV ordered would cost you if you think you don't have to do this.

3) Shared Back Accounts? Withdraw every cent and deposit into a solo account. You should have actually done that before even breaking up, so take a minute to kick yourself in the ass for not doing this ahead of time.

4) Life Insurance/401K/Wills - Remove her name (if you were foolish enough to put it on there in the first place).

5) Once you've secured yourself and your stuff - vanish. Don't answer her calls, don't show up to places you might meet up - vanish. There's a whole world of bars/pool halls/bowling alleys/strip clubs out there that you couldn't go to with her. Go there now.

6) Part of vanishing involves drowning your sorrows. It eases the loss, so feel free to partake in as much alcohol abuse as possible. But for your own protection, make sure you hire a friend to stop you from drunk dialing her in a fit of remorse.

That's it. Move on. And remember my favorite saying:

Women are like Doritos....Crunch all you want....They'll make more.

I should print out that post and keep it in my wallet.

And a framed copy in your Office.

Does that mean Owen's a divorce lawyer?

Seriously, my brother is in the midst of getting divorced from a complete psycho bitch from hell. They lived in her pre-marital condo, and he booked w/o getting hsi stuff. he has no idea what kind of shape it'll be in when he finally goes back for it. He's been putting it off because he's worried what kind of scene she'll cause. I advised him from what little I know of divorce & domestic violence law, to go w/ a police escort (they are required to do this here in NJ if you ask; I'm not sure what the laws are in England). If that's an option, do it sooner rather than later.

My sympathies. Good luck.

I'm on marriage #3 currently, and adding in the several relationships between trips down the aisle, I've become sort of an expert on how women think completely against my will.

It's a trip into madness I don't recommend anyone pursue on purpose.

Brilliance, and mankind thanks you sir.

I've said it before, I'll say it again. Death Surge needs his own advice column on this site.*

*A caveat I would add to this particular piece of advice is that, in the case of a divorce, it's likely you will each have to account for marital property you squandered, hid, destroyed, etc. post-separation. However, anything you can do (within reason) to make sure she doesn't squander, hide, destroy, etc. your stuff, go for it. For instance, a big mistake a lot of people make during a separation/divorce is to continue to use joint credit cards and joint bank accounts. Those should be closed immediately. On that note, make sure your paycheck isn't being direct-deposited into an account that she can access.

Most of Death Surge's advice is very sound.

You didn't mention whether you're married or not. That makes a world of difference, as married folks are fiduciaries to each other and have responsibilities cohabitating boyfriends/girlfriends don't have.

If you have joint bank accounts, be very careful withdrawning ALL of the funds unless you are going to be able to trace them back to your earnings. If you're married, withdraw half and leave it at that. If you're not married, I'd probably withdraw every penny that I felt was mine.

You should never have left your stuff at her place. If your name is on the property, or if you contributed to rent (which would be an informal lease agreement resulting in you having the same rights as any renter), you have the right to enter and get your belongings. Do not allow her to usurp these rights. If you have no place to stay, and you're a co-owner/lessee, you have a right to live there and not be molested. Be ready to call the cops, and either have a copy of your lease, copies of cancelled checks to the rental company, or recent bills/letters in your name for that address to prove you have a right to enter. She should be removed if she attempts to stop you from living there or getting your stuff. The cops just want quiet. Do not let her or them bully you. Get your stuff asap. If you have a right of entry and she changes the locks, call a locksmith and the cops (have the documentation I mentioned above).

I cannot stress the utility bill advice enough. Cancel them immediately. Unpaid utility bills haunt you for years as they typically refuse to re-wire your new residence until old bills are paid. Also, sign up for credit protector with the three major agencies, as she probably knows your social security number and can get cards in your name using unsolicited mailings to your old place.

Good luck.

Well, he did use the word "missus". I'm assuming that means marriage.

*insert witty comment about my not being able to make assumptions in my line of work here*

Death Surge's advice is perfect and spot on. See his post? Do that.

As for going back for your things. Do it as soon as possible to make sure she doesn't trash your stuff, and make sure you're not alone. Ideally, see if you can have both your brother and his fiancee with you, and try to have the police there as well, especially if she's done something cute like change the locks before you can get your possessions. Plus, it shows her you mean business.

Good luck, and I won't say "sorry about the breakup", because she sounds like a wacko, and there's no reason you have to stay in a situation like that for a single second longer. I post on another board where we've had several women in the same situation with their male partner, and of course women will give other women this exact same advice. In the long run, it doesn't matter which sex is doing the leaving - if she's truly unbalanced as you say, don't go alone. There's safety in numbers, especially if a couple of those numbers have badges and guns to ensure things go smoothly.

Would all of this advice work in Engerland, though? I mean, they drive on the wrong side of the road over there! sackley probably needs to hop in a circle three times while singing "I'm a little teapot" to start any legal proceeding.

Be careful sackley, your ex sounds like the type that would dig her key into the side of your pretty little suped up 4 wheel drive. Then I could envision her carving her name into your leather seats. Next she'd take a Louisville slugger to not one, but both head lights. Then as a capper she'd slash a hole in all 4 tires.

This type of behavior is all the rage these days.

Is #4 scheduled or still TBD?

Good advice. Glad someone's willing to fall for it numerous times and write a detailed description of how to get the fuck out. Time to start writing Getting Divorced For Dummies, Surge.

I don't really have to fall for marriage, as I'm actually a big fan of it. I just love women so much I'm seeing how many I can marry without having to become a Mormon.

My mother's uncle has been married 9 times, so I think it may be genetic.

My friend's father sucks at marriage. Couldn't hold one together to save his life. Finally, he got a girlfriend and decided not to marry her. They've been together for over twenty years now, in non-wedded bliss. So, you know, buying the cow is overrated.

Getting married today means keeping separate. In this day and age, divorce is always around the corner so you gotta make sure you've got an exit strategy. I just got married 2 months ago in fact so I've been setting up my strategy very recently. To add to Death Surge's advice, I've got:

Everything must be kept separate and if possible, inventoried for quick retrieval. I'm talking your books, your dvds, etc.

Use joint accounts ONLY for paying joint household bills and never deposit all your cash into an account she can compromise. Have all passwords and logins written down and ready to be used to close open accounts down as quickly as possible.

I haven't changed insurance payoff information yet and I won't. Told her that if I died legitimately, the money would first go to my brother who I've known longer and then he would give to her. If I died under suspicious circumstances, then my side of the family only would be the beneficiaries.

Do not share the key to your firearms locker.

Now, i love the my wife and can totally see us being together til death. And because I'm a guy, I'm not saying women are evil. But I'm also not not saying that.

Either you're completely nuts to have married someone you (perhaps justifiably) trust this little or she's kind of pathetic to have married a guy that doesn't trust her enough to change his beneficiary information and thinks she might "compromise" a joint bank account. Seriously - holy shit.

I've seen roommates with more trust than you guys have.

This is disturbing to say the least.

Yeah, why would you even marry this woman, Imperator? Was she holding out until the wedding night?

I'm not sure if that post was sarcastic or not. If it was, cheers. If not... (shudder)...

He has to be joking or there's a kid involved. Tell me there's a kid involved. Actually, don't.

Sackley, before I start in on the strangeness below (which, sweet Jesus God, better be a joke), I just want to say best of luck to you and your ex. I hope you two can find a mature and rational way out of this relationship that brings you both peace in the long run.

You only got married two months ago? I'd love to see where a relationship built on such a solid foundation of trust and mutual respect will be in a couple of years.

Do you seriously have a spreadsheet of your possessions? What about the wedding gifts? Don't they belong to both of you? Do you pull a King Solomon on them in the event that divorce comes leaping out of nowhere?

Oh, wait! I've got one - keep those passwords and logins in your wallet, along with your Social Security card and all of your credit cards/other financial information. That way, if the bitch locks you out of the house, you've always got your stuff.

Hey, Dave - I stopped on the way home and picked up a loaf of bread and some whipping cream. YOUR ACCOUNT HAS BEEN COMPROMISED!!!!! WHERE'S THE KEY TO THE GUN CABINET?!?!

You know that that's supposed to be to pay for a funeral and any medical expenses, right? Whatever's left over is supposed to allow a person who is partially dependent on your income to make up the difference until he/she can get on more stable financial footing. Why on earth would you take funeral planning and temporary financial security away from your wife in the event of your death?

Do you honestly believe that your wife is going to kill you? If so, why did you marry her? Moreover, do you really trust your brother to hand off your insurance payment if you aren't even going to give it to her in the first place?

Keep it in your wallet with your bank account information. No one will look.

Especially if she crosses you, right?

Yeah, you're a keeper. Your wife's a lucky gal.

This is some profound shit. Here's some more to add to it:


Make sure you get records of all the numbers she's calling on your home phone AND her cell phone. Not sayin' she's gonna be doing anything sly, but you never can tell, and this is an AWESOME way to keep tabs on everything she's into.

READ HER EMAIL. If she's gonna plot against you, more than likely she's written an email to her sister/friend/hosebeast mother or any other of those only sometime's troublesome "better" sex.

Don't even sleep with the bitch. Chicks really only like being in the same bed as dudes because guys are typically warmer and they heat the bed up for them. I call this conserving energy.

Get a Real Doll. You won't have to worry about getting screwed over. You'll be in complete control.

Peace and love, y'all!!!

There's no way that could've been legitimate. Right? Right?

You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to Boomstick again.

My favorite part:

Thank you.

I'm still thinking that Imper's just jokin' around, though. Cause if he isn't... I'm actually kind of scared I posted that joke, but at least I'll know he's the one who shot me and not his wife. She never got the key to the piece.

Hell, that's S.O.P. in the gravedigger household. It doesn't hurt to let your wife know it every once in a while, too. I try to make it romantic by putting a cute note in her lunch bag. Something to the effect of, "I'm watching you, dear. Don't you EVER think of cheating on me. You don't know where I keep the key to the gun safe. XOXO- GD"

Signing the note "GD", nice touch.

That is so 100%

Dear Death Surge:

eenin agrees with you 100 percent. You are clearly doing something wrong.

Your friend,
DaveB

But very good advice. I was over at my father house one Sunday last year, when my stepmother got a hold of my fathers mint condition 1911. she was holding it to her head threating to shot herself. So I called 911. she hears me comes running in to the room, and point it at me. Then, tell me to hang up the phone as I am talking to the operator. Since she had the gun pointed at me, my father garbed the gun away from here. After the police arrested her, my father told me to get a restating order, and move in to his house. My father got out of the marriage with out having to pay her zip. She is out on parole now, and someone did key my car and set fire to our front door. Why did the crazy bitch have to key my car though. I didn't marry her!

Aw, that's so sweet. Dave usually just makes the backhand gesture and glares at me. It gets the point across, but it doesn't really say "I love you so much that it's going to destroy both of us" like a note can.

This explains a lot. In fact, I'm finding large sections of this thread highly revealing, puzzling, and completely hilarious.

Too slow. Post goes bye-bye.

Yeah, a lot of my friends tell me not to leave a paper trail but I find verbal and visual cues can fade away if my wife gets too comfortable. She needs something tangible to keep her on her game.

Holy shit, no kidding.

Keep it coming, people!

Maybe you should employ a set of cryptic symbols that she'll understand, but no one else will.

I envision one stick figure on top of another stick figure in one panel with the words "NOT ME!" pointing to the top stick figure (you can give the bottom one hair and the top one a hat to help differentiate). Then follow that with an equals sign pointing to the next panel, which could depict the lady stick figure with crosses for eyes and a hole in the head.

This would serve as a vivid reminder, and, bonus, you wouldn't have to sign it!

Now this is what's great about the CHUD boards. Folks coming together to help each other out. Thanks a lot, Dave!