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Let's Ruin Food

post #1 of 56
8/13/07 at 12:05pm
Thread Starter 
Plant thoughts in each other's heads that will resonate for all eternity, thereby ruining a particular food forever. Lies serve as well as the truth, here.

1. Cilantro tastes like body odor smells.
2. Ham and bacon - Probably very similar to human flesh, especially in texture.
3. Cracklin' Oat Bran is mostly scabs.
4. Peanut Butter has a very high FDA allowance for rat feces.
5. Always check your Lo-Mein for bugs. I speak from horrible, horrible experience here.
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post #2 of 56
8/13/07 at 12:12pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Eyeball Kid
2. Ham and bacon - Probably very similar to human flesh, especially in texture.

That's supposed to turn me OFF? Hell, I'm going to fry me up some bacon right now. All the joys of cannibalism, none of the guilt!
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post #3 of 56
8/13/07 at 12:26pm
6. Mayo looks like semen. Yeah, I went there.
7. Most candy bars look like pieces of shit. Especially the Baby Ruth.

Damn, I thought those dark specks in my Skippy were chocolate chips.
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post #4 of 56
8/13/07 at 12:28pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Barkatthemoon
6. Mayo looks like semen. Yeah, I went there.
If your semen resembles mayonnaise, you need to get to a doctor STAT.
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post #5 of 56
8/13/07 at 12:29pm
Beat me to it, Jacob. Glad I'm not the only one that was alarmed by that.
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post #6 of 56
8/13/07 at 12:38pm
This thread is reminding me of some of my grade school conversations in the mid-1980's.

Not really a good thing.
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post #7 of 56
8/13/07 at 12:39pm
The meat in Wendy's chili is old, burned hamburger patties that have been boiled for an hour and chopped up.

I predict this will be the only factual statement in this thread.
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post #8 of 56
8/13/07 at 12:44pm
Also a factual statement:

The gluttony scene in Se7en will remove the desire to eat spaghetti from you.
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post #9 of 56
8/13/07 at 12:47pm
Thankfully my semen doesn't look a thing like mayonnaise. It is, however, great on a BLT.
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post #10 of 56
8/13/07 at 12:54pm
You know, I was really expecting this thread to be some kind of a Patrick fan club or something.
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post #11 of 56
8/13/07 at 12:58pm
Red Bull contains Taurine, which is isolated from Ox Bile.
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post #12 of 56
8/13/07 at 12:59pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bailey
Thankfully my semen doesn't look a thing like mayonnaise. It is, however, great on a BLT.
Your semen is great on a BLT? Good to know.
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post #13 of 56
8/13/07 at 1:16pm
I'd bet it also makes a mean potato salad.
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post #14 of 56
8/13/07 at 1:39pm
I'm gonna go ahead and rip off Ren and Stimpy.

Dear Stimpy,
What are all of those big meaty chunks floating in my baked beans?
Sincerely,
Sarah from Ohio

Dear Sarah,
Not to worry Sarah! That big meaty chunk is actually the Queen bee. All the rest are worker bees!

Tofu=Soylent Green

Spotted Dick is made from spotted vagina.

McDonald's hamburgers: Painstakingly crafted from the remains of your most beloved pet.

All of the water that you've drank in your life was once piss.
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post #15 of 56
8/13/07 at 2:39pm
Carls Jr. Six Dollar burgers <- rabid raccoons harvested from the border. The goo on the meat after it's cooked is actually deep fried phlegm donated by the Oakland Raiders.

Mary's Pizza crust <- Crushed bones collected from Lorne Green and Steve Irwin.

Subway Subs <- Those plastic gloves have the texture required to really get the itch out of those hard to reach places.

Mushrooms <- Every animal in the forest has rubbed its genitals against them, took a pee on them, and/or/either then shat upon them. Minimum wage Joe briefly rubs the cap with a germ infested hanky before throwing them into the organic bin at your local market.
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post #16 of 56
8/13/07 at 3:02pm
On two separate occasions I have found a pebble in my burrito at Chipotle.
And I keep going back anyway.
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post #17 of 56
8/13/07 at 3:05pm
Do you get a burrito with beans? They might not be picking through the beans before cooking them.
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post #18 of 56
8/13/07 at 3:23pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by gravedigger
The meat in Wendy's chili is old, burned hamburger patties that have been boiled for an hour and chopped up.

I predict this will be the only factual statement in this thread.
The grilled chicken for their chicken salad is also left over from previous days.


Do you know this from experience?


Because if so I have a follow up question for you.
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post #19 of 56
8/13/07 at 3:24pm
So the beef and chicken is day old? The human fingers are still fresh though, right?
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post #20 of 56
8/13/07 at 4:09pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by MissZooey
Do you get a burrito with beans? They might not be picking through the beans before cooking them.
No, I always get the fajita burrito with chicken.
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post #21 of 56
8/13/07 at 4:25pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tieman
No, I always get the fajita burrito with chicken.
Yes, but the beaks don't count. That's a whole different fajita all together.

You guys don't think that brownie batter, refried beans and cooked spinach all look like varying degrees of bowel movements? Yeah they do. Of course they do!

And you know how you can peel that sausage casing off of the sausage after you cook it? That's really the leftover condom from the meat packing employees having a little fun.
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post #22 of 56
8/13/07 at 4:30pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by C.Swicegood
The grilled chicken for their chicken salad is also left over from previous days.

Do you know this from experience?

Because if so I have a follow up question for you.
Unless they've changed policies in the years since I've worked there, the grilled chicken salads were a toss-up (no pun intended). We had bags of chopped grilled chicken for the salads as the primary use. If we were short on the bags, we'd cook up extra fillets for the salads.

Anyway, I do know this from experience so ask away.
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post #23 of 56
8/13/07 at 5:41pm
When you get an bear claw from a deli (not a donut shop), and the inside is a bunch of brown mush, do you ever wonder what that is?
My buddy who used to work at a deli in Long Beach informed me that they used to take all stuff that fell on the floor or that customers didn't finish and mix it all together and use that as the bear claw filling.
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post #24 of 56
8/13/07 at 5:52pm
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post #25 of 56
8/13/07 at 7:31pm
Pepperoni = Scabs.

Bam.

My niece's stepfather told that one to my niece, and she's never eaten pepperoni pizza again.
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post #26 of 56
8/13/07 at 7:36pm
I like all sorts of sausages, but their strong phallic shape makes me wince when I bite down.
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post #27 of 56
8/13/07 at 7:53pm
Lobsters, shrimp, crab, and crawfish derive from the same phylum of animals as lice, cockroaches, beetles, and centipedes.

Enjoy your clams, cocksuckers.
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post #28 of 56
8/13/07 at 8:04pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Justin Clark
Lobsters, shrimp, crab, and crawfish derive from the same phylum of animals as lice, cockroaches, beetles, and centipedes.

Enjoy your clams, cocksuckers.
THANK. YOU.

Sea bugs!! Do you hear me? Sea bugs!!
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post #29 of 56
8/13/07 at 8:15pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by gravedigger
Unless they've changed policies in the years since I've worked there, the grilled chicken salads were a toss-up (no pun intended). We had bags of chopped grilled chicken for the salads as the primary use. If we were short on the bags, we'd cook up extra fillets for the salads.

Anyway, I do know this from experience so ask away.

Do you find yourself still arranging your burgers by the white, red, green (Mayo, Ketchup, Pickles, Onion, Tomato, Lettuce *mustard*) pattern that they teach you on your first day on on the job?


Because, to this day, I cannot make a burger without following that cursed pattern.
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post #30 of 56
8/13/07 at 9:16pm
Haha, yeah. And I tell my wife she's making a burger wrong any time she deviates from the pattern.
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post #31 of 56
8/13/07 at 10:27pm
I was hanging out with a bunch of friends one time, and we all ordered some subs. My one buddy, who usually only gets cheesesteaks, ventured out of his comfort zone and got a chicken parm sub. It fucking reaked like fart. I mean, just smelled like someone loaded up on some rotten, uncooked chicken, choked it down, and blew some horrible ass.

Anyway, my buddy seems to be enjoying it, so I'm biting my tongue, as not to ruin his dinner. The tongue biting was to no avail however, as another buddy walked in the room, and loudly asked (I may be paraphrasing here):

"Jesus Christ, who the fuck farted? God, that fucking stinks! Seriously, is that a fart? Wait, it's Rob's sub! Holy crap dude, did the delivery guy fart directly on your sub, or does that chicken parm just smell like rancid horrible flatulence??"

Rob threw the half eaten sub away. I don't think he's had any sub except a cheesesteak in the 6 years since.
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post #32 of 56
8/13/07 at 10:49pm
Take a whiff of the inside of a bag of potato chips.

Yep, stale farts.
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post #33 of 56
8/13/07 at 10:50pm
I used to work with a cook who constantly ashed his cigarettes into the soup he was preparing.
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post #34 of 56
8/13/07 at 10:52pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by C.Swicegood
Do you find yourself still arranging your burgers by the white, red, green (Mayo, Ketchup, Pickles, Onion, Tomato, Lettuce *mustard*) pattern that they teach you on your first day on on the job?


Because, to this day, I cannot make a burger without following that cursed pattern.
Don't get flustered, just add the mustard! I can still sing the fucking training video. That's high powered brainwashing.
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post #35 of 56
8/13/07 at 11:15pm
Fruity Pebbles looks the same coming out as it does going in.
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post #36 of 56
8/13/07 at 11:23pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by gravedigger
Haha, yeah. And I tell my wife she's making a burger wrong any time she deviates from the pattern.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Andre Dellamorte
Don't get flustered, just add the mustard! I can still sing the fucking training video. That's high powered brainwashing.
White, Red .... aaaaaaand greeeeeeeen!


Thanks guys, it's reassuring to know that I'm not the only one who has succumbed to this insidious mental programming. I guess it's a good thing that cultists don't use the same company that Wendy's uses for their recruitment videos.
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post #37 of 56
8/13/07 at 11:35pm
Dre is one of us too? You poor bastard.
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post #38 of 56
8/14/07 at 3:37am
The Gravy in KFC gets the majority of its flavor from all the sediment in the bottom of that locations pressure cookers. The reason it sometimes has a smokey flavor is because they haven't changed the oil in the cookers for several days.

That's all I got.
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post #39 of 56
8/14/07 at 5:36am
I worked at Macaroni Grill for several years. I could tell you many horrifying stories, but my favorite involves the time that a mouse came up in a ladle of ranch dressing.
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post #40 of 56
8/14/07 at 8:17am
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nexus
I like all sorts of sausages, but their strong phallic shape makes me wince when I bite down.
And on that same note, didn't the movie Bachelor Party ruin hotdogs for alot of people? "Nick the Dick", anyone?

"Is that the foot-long?"
"And then some."
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post #41 of 56
8/14/07 at 8:46am
If you like Parmesan cheese you're a fucking ogre.
It smells and looks horrible.


Can someone agree with me that Cup O Noodles smells like a 14 year old kid who hasnt discovered the wonders of deoderant.
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post #42 of 56
8/14/07 at 6:34pm
peppercorns are actually just spicy mexican's gall stones.
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post #43 of 56
8/14/07 at 7:43pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by General Zod
Fruity Pebbles looks the same coming out as it does going in.
That's Coco Pebbles. Wrong Pebbles.

And speaking of KFC gravy. When I worked fast food, the old grease that sometimes had been sitting for a couple of days before it was dumped in the grease dumpster had the color and consistancy of KFC gravy. Coincidence? I think not.
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post #44 of 56
8/15/07 at 3:35am
Un-eaten dinner rolls are taken off your plate and given to the next customer.
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post #45 of 56
9/3/07 at 2:11am
When I was working at Wendys, we threw the meat that was on the grill too long into a chili meat bucket. And that's the secret to Wendys chili meat.

EDIT: Gravedigger already got to it. It's true but oddly doesn't turn me off to eating Wendy's Chili
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post #46 of 56
9/3/07 at 2:14am
I had a beetle for dinner last week. On purpose. It was good.

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post #47 of 56
9/3/07 at 2:33am
Quote:
Originally Posted by Vader
Can someone agree with me that Cup O Noodles smells like a 14 year old kid who hasnt discovered the wonders of deoderant.
Agreed.
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post #48 of 56
9/3/07 at 5:53am
When I was working for Great Adventure, off near (I believe) Rolling Thunder and the Looney Tunes kiddie rides, there was La Cantina, sponsored by Goya. Every damn thing they served started as a freeze-dried powder - the beans, the condiments, the cheese, the meat... all of it. Most amazing thing I ever saw. Gave the food a nice, plastic, artificial taste, like eating an action figure. Lots of bugs, too - I'll never forget the (literally) fist-sized fly I saw hanging out amongst the quesadillias.

My brother once worked at a McDonald's, and told me about the one guy who hurled into the Special Sauce, and they still used it after picking out most of the chunks.
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post #49 of 56
9/3/07 at 7:18am
Quote:
Originally Posted by Timothy225
My brother once worked at a McDonald's, and told me about the one guy who hurled into the Special Sauce, and they still used it after picking out most of the chunks.
Oh, you have just taken your gross stories to a whole new level, my friend. In the past few years, in an effort to gross myself out so I'll cut back on any fast food cravings I might have (which are few, but I'd rather they were zero), I've watched Super Size Me, and both read the book and seen the movie version of Fast Food Nation. Neither really did the trick - I still have a McDonald's jones once a month or so. But I think you might have just given me the nail for that coffin.
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post #50 of 56
9/3/07 at 8:59am
Yeah, I love me some McDonald's too, Lisa. Even after my brother told me that story.

I'm trying to cut the fast food out of my life as well. The missus and I usually grab McDonald's or Burger King about two or three times a month, but since we're watching our waistlines, we're trying to stop completely. Haven't touched it in about a month and a half, and I'm finding I don't miss it. Stories like I've read in this thread have pretty much ruled Taco Bell and Wendy's out of my immediate future as well. Thanks, Chewers!
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