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My One Act Play.

post #1 of 23
Thread Starter 
(yelled off stage)
Albert
“There is a time and a place for everything…and now is not the time!”
Jack
“Thank you…Albert,”
(Enter Albert carrying Jack.)
(Jack is bleeding badly from the bite on his arm.
And unconsciousness, but mumbles about needing to complete his schooling, Albert and Jack enter a small plain room with a door and large window. Albert sets jack down on the floor and moves to light a fire,)
Albert
It’s not much…but it should keep us warm. You pretty banged up, buddy
Jack
I know,” “Where are we?
Albert
Somewhere safe.

Jack
Thanks for saving me
Albert
It was the lest I could do
Jack
“When I was passed out I had the weirdest dream” (Albert is lightings two cigarettes. Gives one to Jack) “I was back at my high school.”
Albert
Yeah
Jack
“Well it was the last place I was before the fall. God, that was ….6 years ago, Jesus. I left school and started driving home and I saw a huge pile up, and a brunch of Them milling around, I never made it home… ”
(He is cut off by some eerie chanting coming form off stage. The chanting grows louder”
Jack
(Whisper) What is that?”

(Albert grabs his weapon and moves to the door. The chanting fades)
Albert
“Its those cultists, the ones in the brown and black robs…man that chanting if creepy, when I was a teacher but when the world was a world. I remember hearing something a lot like that, it was chant that monks would do or something like that, funny how far music had come until the end came.”
Jack
“You were a teacher? I have been partners with you for... a year I guess,. And I know nothing about you
Albert
I know I don’t like talking about the past, its dead to me along with everything else.”
Jack
Badass, You never fail to surprise me, Albert, so where you a music teacher?... I remember this one lesson I had in my history class it was about the Roman Empire and how it fell, you know attack from all side by basically everyone…kind of makes me think of our fall, we were so powerful and wealthy we should have never had a problem with Them. But some how they won, and now we are in the dark ages.”
Albert
Your arm is starting to swell
Jack
Oh, I can’t feel it anymore, and it won’t stop bleeding. You know what we are? (rhetorical)
Pause
“We’re two travelers traveling thought hell, and you’re my guide, Virgil, and I’m Dante. You have shown me everything that can be seen in this hell.”
Albert
How come you get the cooler name?
Jack
“Well cuz I am…
Albert
Well Dante makes it thought hell and on to heaven
Jack
“I never said this was the real Divine Comedy, this isn’t even a comedy. I simply said that me and you were on a journey thought Hell that’s…
(a moan from out side)
Albert
Wait! Shhh, you hear that?
Jack
Hear what? The bite wont stop bleeding. I don’t have long.
Albert
Stop it, and You don’t what Them to hear, do you?
Jack
No sir, Yes sir.

(Albert is looks out the window, And aims his rifle and sings softly:
Short people got no reason…Got no reason to live!
(sound of a rifle shot)
Albert
“How ‘bout some food?”
Jack
“I love some,” I
(Albert takes a small pot and two cups out of his pack. He pours some water in the pot. He goes back in to his bag and takes out two packs of Ramon Noodles. His eyebrows rise.)
Jack
“So what did you teach?”
Albert
Nothing.
Jack
“Come on, tell me. I don’t have long”
Albert
“You know…During World War II guys never ate this good. No matter where they were, Europe, Asia…Africa, I bet the food wasn’t nearly as good as these noodles are about to taste.”
(Hands Jack a cup of soup)
Jack
“So…Like World War II?”
Albert
“It was my favorite thing to teach, and the easiest, kids always like to learn about it, I think…I could be wrong but who knows


Jack
“I did like learning about it…You know I can’t taste this, you did need to give me any, we both know what’s happening, I’m going to die, so why are you doing it?
Albert
Because I’m your father.
(they both laugh)
Jack
Really?
Albert
No, Fooled you
Jack
Funny, jerk
(they laugh agian)
Jack
“Out of every single important person in all of history and literature, who do you most respect?”
Albert
What?


Jack
I want to make my last conversation a meaningful one and not about the girls I’ve slept with or something clique like that…and I wont ask permission from you to die.
Albert
Stop it. Don’t talk that way-Lincoln
Jack
“Why him?”
Albert
“Well, When I was a teacher, kids used to make fun of me behind my back a lot. And Lincoln was made fun of quite bit. He learn to laugh it off and so did I, so I see a lot in him…and we’re both pretty tall, so that too.”
Jack
“Okay, who do you not like at all?”
Albert
“Walt Whitman.”
Jack
“Who?

Albert
“Well its not that I don’t like him its just that I don’t think he’s poems are very good, I can’t relate to them at all. He has my model for what not to do, when writing poems, and living life
Jack
“You really are Virgil, Albert I had no idea that you were so learned.”
Albert
Learned? Come on. Yeah well what are you going to do?
Jack
(holds up his arm)
the bite isn’t getting any better. You know what I wish
Albert
What?
Jack
I wish I had more time. I want to learn more and be like you, not to end it as some lame kid. I want to know more.

(Jack looks out the window.)
Jack
You see that Building outside., It reminds me of the buildings my father all ways used to work on, he would always go on about this guy…Frank something Wright. He would take me to go see as many buildings as we could. I grew fond of buildings…those were good times. But, how dumb we were, living out our lives trying to be picture prefect, “Father Knows Best” families, worrying about all the wrong things like the drama on the OC or the the the way we would ignore problems until they came to our door step. We never focused on the real problems. We dissevered this.
(Quite)
Albert
“Do you believe in God?
Jack
“Of course.”
Albert
“Really?”
“Yeah, I struggle a lot too, But I mean there has to be a God. There is no way us, humans could have come as far as we did.”
Albert
“Then how do you explain what’s happening outside Just look outside, some All loving god.
Jack
“I can’t…but I know there’s a plan out there that we can’t see.”
Albert
“But things have fallen apart so badly. I can see how there is any God out there.”
Jack
“It’s called faith.”
Albert
“Still things have been falling apart for ever, I just never thought that an all love God could ever allow all those bad things to happen, let alone them outside.
“Just have faith, please, believe that there is a plan


Jack
“Albert, I want you try. The room is growing black. “Please.”
(Jack begins to say a prayer, the lights are starting to fade. Albert readies him rifle)
Jack
Thank you Albert.
(Fades to black, an inhuman moan is hear then a loud gunshot is hear.)
post #2 of 23
Thread Starter 
Anything?
post #3 of 23
Jack
Hey! You've got your Faith in my Ramen!

Albert
Hey! You've got your Ramen in my Faith!

Lincoln and Whitman
(Shake their floating disembodied heads in disgust)

(Fade to black)






post #4 of 23
Thread Starter 
Shit right? this is the first time I've written anything like this.
post #5 of 23
Well the thing is ,the premise is two people waxing philisophical as the world ends around them, but neither has any kind of insight that makes the conversation worth listening to, and nothing new is offered up.

Society for all it's wealth and decadence will fall like the Roman empire: Been done to death

If there's a God why does he let bad things happen?: Even more so.

The stab at Walt Whitman sort of screamed of " I had to study him at school and I hated it".

I think the offstage menace needed to be something more ominous than cult guys in black and brown robes chanting. If you're not going to show them, why limit yourself to something so mild and cliche'd?

I know that came off as quite negative. I never like to seem like I'm discouraging people from writing. I just feel like this one could use a lot of work, sorry.

Also on this board especially, it's important to proof read, there are quite a few typos in there. I fear poor DaveB may have a stroke.
post #6 of 23
Quote:
Originally Posted by horrid
The stab at Walt Whitman sort of screamed of " I had to study him at school and I hated it".
Agreed.

It could be massively improved by having the one that's dying not say anything about dying, while the other knows its going to happen, and the thank you at the end would be for making his last conversation on Earth be about something hopeful, and not about impending doom. Then he dies, and they both know in that moment what will follow.

Just a thought.

Plus, pretty much what Horrid said. Though i didn't hate reading it, it does need some serious work. Took balls to put it out there like that though, so bravo.
post #7 of 23
Quote:
Originally Posted by sackley
Took balls to put it out there like that though, so bravo.
Don't be discouraged Lukas. Writing is one of the most difficult and lonely tasks one can endeavor. horrid and sakley have provided you with some great pointers, so let's see that first re-write.

You can do it.
post #8 of 23
Lukas,

There's a lot of literature written about the act of writing, but for you, I'd suggest What If?

It's a great intro to creating interesting characters and molding a compelling story, and it's a fun read, to boot.

Keep writing, and, most importantly, read. Read a lot.
post #9 of 23
I second that idea. Lots of great writing exercises and tips for just generating better writing in general.

I had a couple of classes with the co-author of What If, Pam Painter, (amazing woman and writer) and whenever a classmate was discouraged by their writing, she would say, "Think of it this way. It could be a lot worse. You could need a lot of work and not even know it."

You clearly thought that your play wasn't perfect (as you said, it's the first time you tried this) but you're obviously committed to writing and interested in feedback since you posted it on CHUD. Just keep plugging away and don't give up. Frustration is part of the process, nothing comes out perfect from the get go. Good luck and keep writing!
post #10 of 23
My advice: quit writing.
post #11 of 23
If, perchance, my mother were to write me a letter detailing how she hated my guts and wished I had never been born, and proceed to sign this document in her own menstrual blood, your one act would still be the worst thing I'd ever read.

By the way- how many different things did you crib from there? I've got I Am Legend, Reservoir Dogs, Saving Private Ryan, and... Star Wars?
post #12 of 23
Thread Starter 
It began as a High School Senior final project, and i basically took the short story i wrote and made tried (unsuccessfully) to convert it to a play. It was a Christian High School and to not have anything Religions in it is wasn't really possible, and it was a black spot on you by the teachers. And we had to discuss like a bunch of writing and evens that we had learned about over the course of the year. That's why there all those references to writing and historical evens.

But all the feed back I'm get it great. Because all the people that had read it weren't giving me the feedback I'd like, basically it's good it's good, and that's it.


I think i'll post the short story next i feel that's alot better.
post #13 of 23
It takes guts to post this stuff. Remember that "alot" isn't a word. As a matter of fact, I'd stay away form "a lot," too. Try "much," instead.
post #14 of 23
Quote:
Originally Posted by Minsky
It takes guts to post this stuff. Remember that "alot" isn't a word. As a matter of fact, I'd stay away form "a lot," too. Try "much," instead.
Alternatively, "hella"
post #15 of 23
Serious question- Are you autistic?
If not, you really should learn to spell before you attempt to write.
post #16 of 23
Shakespeare can rest easy now.
post #17 of 23
This is actually kind of similar to a play I wrote once...in college. So don't feel bad, Lukas. You're a couple years ahead of where I was at your age.

I agree with Horrid, though; you could improve this by adding genuine insight to the characters' conversation. Don't worry about working in all the shit your learned in class; write about what you believe. Write about what you think about life and living it. Thoughts that you catch yourself thinking and wonder, "Does anybody else think this or is it just me?"

That's the stuff that will give you a voice. And that's the stuff that will be interesting to read.

I remember being your age and distinctly feeling like I had nothing to say. I would regurgitate ideas from things I had read and stuff I'd seen, because I took everything at face value back then and basically believed that if someone said that was how the world worked, then that was how the world worked. But as I got older and got more life experience, I started forming my own view of the world, and I found that informing my writing. I think the same thing will happen to you, if you keep at it. But you gotta make a conscious effort to improve. Start now.

Good luck.
post #18 of 23
Quote:
Originally Posted by Daniel Strange
Start now.
Don't listen to him.

Quit now.
post #19 of 23
"And there's something immensely inspiring, something damn near poetic about the finale [of Bowfinger], as the cast and crew finally get a chance to see what they've created. It would have been so easy for director Frank Oz to play this moment as a big joke, to have the jaded Hollywood audience laugh the cast right out of the theater...but instead, he lets it be the best moment of their goddamn lives. All of them beaming with pride over each clumsy tracking shot, each stilted line delivery. Sure, it's bad. But it's their bad.

If you've ever tried to write a script or make a movie yourself, I'm guessing you know the feeling." -- Jeremy Slater
post #20 of 23
And if those fictional characters asked my advice, I'd tell them the same thing.

Sometimes failure isn't charming or heartwarming. Sometimes failure is Lukas.
post #21 of 23
post #22 of 23
Quote:
Originally Posted by Slater
My advice: quit writing.
I agree with this advice.
post #23 of 23
If this was my play, I'd have it established at the beginning why the characters are here in the first place talking philosophy instead of doing something about the bite from god knows what. Instead of Whitman I would've had him talk about how he sort've wishes he lived life more like Charles Bukowski's characters. A kind of regret to the things we say we'll do but never go through with. Living in regret that we never lived and the complete irony of it. Also have the dying character be completely cynical about God so we have some conflict of belief going on. Not really a bitterness so much as he just plain doesn't believe in some invisible man pulling all the strings and letting bad shit happent to good people.

Conflict makes things interesting.

He should die still not convinced while the other character still has faith regardless of what was done. At least have a somewhat clear point to the play y'know?

I wasn't sure if there was an age difference between the characters but if ther was it could've been neat to play off how people think differently as they grow and experience more.
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