Your Terrible Movie Ideas. - Page 2

LIAM NEESON / STEVE CARELL

LOOSE CANNONS

Steve Coogan

 

Titles I brainstormed for the third Batman movie before its real title was announced:

 

"Knight Moves"

"Duality"

"The Dark Knight Detective"

"The Batman Legacy"

"Escalation"

"Vigilante"

"Exile"

"The Gotham Project"

"Emergence"

"Manhunt in Gotham"

"Batman Endures"

"Silent Knight"

"Knight and the City"

 

About half of them were jokes that I didn't think could ever happen, and the Woody Allen movie hadn't been announced when I came up with that midnight one. I have to admit, though, I really was nuts enough to think some of these could really happen.

 

I had way too much time (being unemployed) and was going through an especially obsessive fanboy phase. I hope you're amused. I have re-lived one of my most shamefully lame phases in life for your entertainment. 

 

Paul Bart Mall Cop...In Space!

 

  If it becomes a movie I want a producing credit. I will use the money to fund an Anno Dracula movie.

Rambo V: The Savage Hunt:

 

 

 

Fuck it.   I'd watch a Sci-Fi Rambo movie.   Franchise has been fucked for a while now.

It took me forever to find this thread.

Now, courtesy of my subconscious which provides narrative dreams for me once in a blue moon, I give you Beetlejuice II.


The husband and wife pair of ghosts, Adam and Barbara Maitland, have an unusual problem. Unlike other people in the spirit world, they are still aging. It is labeled as a “condition” by a witch doctor and it is explained to them that every century a few ghosts seem to catch this odd affliction. They are told that there is nothing they can do about it and they should just accept that their ultimate fate is to spend the afterlife ultimately as a pair of skeletons. What they are not told is that this “condition” is something that happens every now and then because a mix-up in the bureaucracy of the afterlife. It turns out that they shouldn’t have died when they did and because of this their souls still have an unsevered connection with their mortal bodies which is reflected in their spiritual appearance. As their bodies age in the coffin, they age as well.

What gets Adam and Barbara suspicious is when they reach the age that everyone does when their own friends, in this case Charles Deetz, dies from a heart attack. But the thing is Charles didn’t become a ghost. It is then they learn that only souls with regrets, guilt, or excessive fear/anger stay behind on earth, bound to haunt the residence they lived in before they died. They didn’t know this before because the bureaucracy doesn’t tell it to ghosts with a “condition”.

After some soul searching the duo realizes that, aside from their “condition”, there is nothing that should be holding them back to Earth, they should have transcended to a different plane of existence, they just didn’t know this before now because no one else has died while they were living in Maitland's home. Reluctantly they realize that they are in purgatory, which is what Earth is for spirits that do not move on, or even hell if they are doomed to live out the rest of eternity as a pair of ghostly skeletons.

Against their better judgment they contact Beetlejuice to investigate what this condition might be. When the facts come together and the news gets out that in some cemetery out in the real world there are two bodies still living* without a soul, there is an otherworldly hunt by every unfortunate spirit living out it’s eternity in purgatory. Every ghost wants this flesh and blood outlet to redemption, including Beetlejuice.

Irreversible II: La Tenia Strikes Again

Irreversible III: Livin' La Tenia

Irreversible IV: La Tenia & The Tunnel of Love

LEGEND OF THE BEARWOLF

 

A young private school student worries his teachers with his obsessive study of strange eldritch texts.  Hoping to cure him of his obsession with esoterica and antiquity via an overindulgence of it, his parents send him to the family's ancestral home in Arkham, where, in his continued studies of ancient texts, he realizes he migth be able to find a way to rid the town of the monster that has plagued it for centuries: by day, a harmless, civilized, modern bear like yous ee in the streets of any American city, which by nigth regresses into the form of the bear's feral ancestor, the wolf, for he is The BearWolf!  In the end, the young man, the BearWolf, and the various Lovecraftian monstrosities that dwell in the shadows compete in a drag race, driving cartoonish Ed "Big Daddy" Roth style cars.

 

It's a little bit Transylvania 6-5000, a little bid Mad Monster Party, and a whole lot of pointless.  I spent a lot of tiem in college talking with friends about this idea... for some reason.  I think drugs were probably involved, but that's no excuse.

Dracula, Frankenstein, Wolf-Man and Gill-Man are recruited by the US government to take down Freddy, Jason, Leatherface and Mike Myers. I'll call it... The Monster Squad.  

 

The Undeadables!

Firefox : At Infinity's Edge

 

 

 

An animated feature film adaptation of Mozilla's Firefox logo.

 

He keeps eating and growing at a Xenomorphic rate.  The world finally unites in the common cause of finding a way to defeat him.  But it turns out he's really a good guy, a la Godzilla, and his purpose is to shield us from an extinction-level event blast of cosmic radiation.

Buffy Summers and Dean Winchester team up to fight Cthulhu. A film filled with nothing but trills, chills, and possibly romance.

Crazy Bitch—buddy/roadtrip/zombie horror/comedy:  Two brothers must travel from Orlando to Chicago, with their daughter/niece in tow, to rescue their son/nephew during an outbreak of absolutely maniacal batshit insanity among all of the world's post-pubescent females.  Hilarity, histrionics, and menarch ensues.  When the protagonists finally save their son'nephew, having destroyed the feminist author ex-wife and her entourage of lesbian lover-disciples, the White House televises a press conference to announce a cure and President Palin launches the entire nuclear arsenal at everywhere.

 

 

Rara Sylvis—fantasy/adventure/science fiction:  The last full-blooded Elf flees the proto-Huns and travels to the far end of the Earth to find refuge in the Kingdom of the Ancients, where others of her kind are rumored to exist.  Along the way, while threatened by mana vampires posing as local holy men, she must hide the last bit of magic with the help of a Levantine teenager, who through witchery secrets it away in her womb and enshrouds it with a fetus.  When our heroine reaches Land's End she is disenheartened to discover the Kingdom of the Ancients long ago sunk into the sea, so she puts herself into the Sleep of Ages and becomes the Lady of the Lake.

 

This a prequel to a planned trilogy, Sylvan Resurrection, Sylvan Renewal, and Sylvan Redemption, in which our protagonist is unearthed in a modern-day archeological dig, revived, studied, and later escapes with a plan to return magic to the world and the world back to nature.  She defeats the best modern technology can throw at her, unites her former nation in what is currently Russia, Ukraine, and Moldava, and imports people carrying Elven genes to start a eugenics program.  Through the marriage of magic and technology Sylvania is able to defend itself against multinational coalitions and eventually colonize Mars.  Then the Ancients return and they want their planet back.

 

 

Global Meltdown—disaster/sci-fi horror:  With Summertime temperatures nearing 130°F in temperate climes and many coastal cities turned into modern-day Venices, world leaders unhatch a plan to divert Comet _______ to Earth and blow it up, showering the atmosphere with cooling, frozen nitrogen.  Unfortunately the substitution of an English measurement for a metric one caused scientists to miss the fact that the comet's core was composed of ice, which showers the planet with vast amounts of liquid water and basically submerges civilization as we know it.  Our protagonist weather the catastrophe in a few high-rise buildings with the sight of nurturing, fertile, dry land on the horizon.  Can they put aside their differences long enough to build a raft to make landfall?  Maybe, but that's the least of their worries because, to add insult to injury, the comet wasn't a natural phenomenon but rather an interstellar seed pod containing a variety of nasty aquatic life forms, and after such a long slumber they are eager to ravenously and voraciously break their fast.

I wrote a Batman fan script back in the '90s where King Tut is the villain and -- dig this -- bankrupts Bruce Wayne in order to seize control of Wayne Enterprises.

I would like to make a sequel to Planes, Trains & Automobiles, where Del awkwardly refuses to leave the Page household, preying first on their compassion, then ultimately their weaknesses and resentments, slowly chipping away at the family unit from within. And it's not funny at all, but rather a sad, creepy psychological thriller.

 

 

That is starring a glassy-eyed, CGI John Candy, isn't it? Because if it is, you have my money.

Go-Gan

 

A gigantic mutant walrus surfaces off the coast of Tahiti, and refuses to leave until it has painted a picture of every girl on the island.

A mysterious force causes the sun's rays to intensify, compelling two scientists to race against time before it incinerates us all in...

 

ULTRAVIOLENT RAYS

Tim Burton's Masters Of The Universe.

Burton somehow stumbles on the 80's cartoon while surfing You Tube, watches all the episodes, and decides he's got to make the film adaptation. In his head he nails the tone of the movie; He Man and his crew will live in a camp pastel colored fantasy land while Skeletor and minions will live in a Halloween-like gothic landscape.

In a stroke of casting genius, Johnny Depp will play He Man, wearing a bleached blonde pageboy wig and prosthetic muscles. He will speak in a lisping, posh English accent, in keeping with how Mr. Depp imagines medieval princes talked. Christopher Walken will play Skeletor, on stilts, with an awkwardly animated purple cgi cape, and Helena Bonham Carter will play She Ra as a screeching dirty mad woman. Danny Elfman will reinterpret the He Man theme with glockenspiel and choral voices. The movie will be post converted to 3D.

Love it. It always did look like he was giving the earth a big hug.

One stormy night a Sous Chef at one of Italy's only Mexican Restaurant leaves during the middle of his shift and runs through the streets terrified. There is the sound of footsteps and he get thoruoghly lost as he tries to run from his follower. Just as he thinks he is home free he turns a corner and gets eviscerated by a mysterious killer.

Half the world away a Mexican chef, Jorge, takes a new positon in Italy to apease his Italian wife. He moves to the country and finds that the restaurant is a little behind the times in modern Mexican cuisine, but finds that he adores the Owner's secret recipe for Salsa. The longer he works at the place the more curious he get when the owner goes into the back to prepare the Salsa, soon Jorge is in over his head once he finally learns the owner's deadly secret.

Dario Argento presents:

Pico De Giallo

This took way too long for my tired brain to concoct to justify just one pun.

Terrence Malick's
KRAKEN

 

The introspective world of a monster of the deep who waits... to be released.

 

 

Elevator pitch:

"It's basically 2 hours of a sea monster reading magazines & looking at his watch. Film score by Phillip Glass"

Okay, so remember how, in the build-up to the release of Goblet of Fire, J.K. Rowling granted a dying child's wish by letting her read the book ahead of time?

 

Picture a similarly famous author, making a similarly charitable gesture towards a terminally ill child. Except, miraculously, the kid survives. And she knows all the (extremely confidential) plans that the writer has for this massively popular series. And it turns out that the kid is somewhat less angelic when not sick, and more in a blackmailing mood.

 

Everything spirals into murder.

Remember at the beginning of "Lethal Weapon" when the prostitute jumps out of the building and smashes into the car?  So my movie is about the guy who owns that car.  I mean really, the police call him in the middle of the night to tell him about what happened, but he's asleep, and the police leave a message.  In the morning the guy doesn't check his messages and he sees his car and he's like "Dude, my car is totally smashed!"  The guy calls this girl he works with and they carpool - after work she drives him home and then she comes up ... they have sex, do some blow, now the guy thinks he can fly, and he jumps out the window and smashes into the girl's car.  And then the girl needs a ride with some other guy, does blow, and jumps onto that guy's car and so on and so on for like 84 minutes, long enough for feature length so everybody gets hella paid using that German tax-loophole thing.

Edited by WendellEverett - 8/18/12 at 12:32am

Terrible??? No no no. That's a fucking BRILLIANT idea. I wanna see this movie.

 

EDIT: This is Ricky Gervais & Woody Allen's next movie. WbJ, if you write & have a brain, you need to turn this idea into a script treatment. NOW.

Edited by Art Decade - 8/18/12 at 8:24am

Yeah, mate, that's a great idea.

 

There should be a thread for posting fantastic ideas for movies!

  When I first saw Iron Man, I thought that RJD's performance made the movie much like Depp in the first POTC.  Why not have a movie where they team up. Capt Jack would be alive in the present since he found the fountain of youth. The Stark and Sparrow would get into a drunken fight over a woman, and instantly despise each other. Of course some threat would require them to put aside their differences. Keith Richards cameos as himself/Sparrow's son.

I actually conceived the idea for a short story. I have a lot of ideas for stuff bouncing around in my head, but don't have time to write them.

 

...Who am I kidding. I'm loaded with time. I'm just lazy. Thanks for the props, though, guys.

Five minute internet shorts starting Leonard from Community and Creed from the Office.

A remake of the original Star Wars that takes place during World War 2, Inglorious Bastards style. The cast would be Hollywood actors forced to go to war. Hence the name Star Wars.

May I suggest Boris Karloff as Chewy and Bela Lugosi as Tarkin?

That would be fantastic. I didn't do much planning when finding actors for the poster, so cast away.

Jimmy Stewart - Luke Skywalker

 

Steve McQueen - Han Solo

 

Liz Taylor - Leia

 

Peter Cushing- Ben Kenobi

 

Vincent Price - Voice of Darth Vader

 

Boris Karloff - Chewy

 

Bela Lugosi - Tarkin

 

I know in your post you wrote the stars would be playing themselves.  What I mean by the casting they would be doing the same things those characters did in Star Wars.

They don't have to play themselves, just Hollywood movie stars of the 40s. I was thinking Chewbacca could be a big bearded Russian, not sure about the droids.

A vaudeville comedy duo of course. 

Uh...unless there's a wormhole involved, you're going to end up with either a 12 year-old Han Solo or a 50 year-old Luke Skywalker. Terrible, indeed.

A highway construction manager gets hit by a distracted driver. After the nearly fatal accident he decides to teach the world a lesson.

He hits the road cross-country to kill every bad driver that crosses his path. Falling Down meets Mad Max and Spielberg's Duel.

A conspiracy obsessed computer genius unwittingly discovers THE OTHER NET, a secret alternative to the internet controlled by the ruling elite. But is the other net simply an alternative to the internet, or something far more sinister? Only one man has the courage to see how deep the rabbit hole goes, to find out who really controls...THE OTHER NET!

 

(the answer is Satan).

A sequel to The Shawshank Redemption focusing on Andy and Red's hotel in Zihuatenejo. It would be a zany murder caper in which one guest murders another, and Andy and Red must solve the mystery before the Mexican police figure out their identities and extradite them back to the United States.

 

I've been having a terrible headache for a few days. Somehow, you were able to make it worse.

 

Why not the Outernet?

Get Sandra Bullock for a cameo to reprise her role from the original as an internet expert, and call the film "The Net 2.0: Web of Lies".

 

I like the way you think!

A superhero movie starring Captain Britain (Tom Hardy), his sister Psylocke (Angelina Jolie) and Thunderclap (Daniel Craig) as they are forced by the British government to retrieve Julian Assange from Ecuador's London embassy.

 

The Assangers.

 

 

That is brilliant. There has to be a place for William Sadler as bus boy or elevator operator.

 

The Shawshank Investigation

Transformers: War for Cybertron:

 

A remake/requel were a special military organization finds alien technology on earth, and ends up building a space bridge, a la "Stargate", a special team of spec ops is sent to investigate (with some civilian scientists, of course), and end up in Cybertron, in the middle of the war between Autobots and Decepticons; as the war rages on, the humans team up with the autobots to prevent the decepticons from fleeing to earth, while both factions are unaware that the planet's time is up.

 

Tagline: "Their World. Our War"

 

 

I think this is terrible enough to get made.

Method: A young and upcoming actor gets paired with a legendary older thespian as the main cast of a psychological criminal thriller; both seem to get along, until the younger actor witness the older actor murdering a young woman on set, and getting away with it; as he follows the older man as he continues with a string of murders and rape, he starts to realize the fame and praise he has received over his villanous roles and performances are the result of him being an actual serial killer; as filming continues, the young actor quickly realizes he's the only one who can stop him.

 

Netistopheles.