Cute Things Your Kids Say

My niece, waiting for my sister to have her baby cousin: "Hospital food... but I don't what that is!"

Ain't that the truth...

My three year old was at the dinner table at my mom's the other day telling us certain words were "bad." The words he was going over were things like "stupid" and "hate" as in "I hate you," basic things you tell your kids not to say. Then out of nowhere he looks at my mom, his grandma, and says "and Damnit, Damnit's a bad word."

My mom had the guiltiest look on her face, she knew that he'd just ratted on her without actually ratting on her.

What're you teaching that kid?


The story has been told that "damnit" or some variation thereof was my first word.

You did catch the part where I said he'd ratted out his granny right?

You did catch the part where I was joking, since damnit was my first word, right?

ETA: taught to me by my dad's mother, too.

Yeah I caught it but I figured somebody else wouldn't so I clarified. Sorry it came of douche-like. Grannies on Dad's side teach kids the greatest stuff it seems.

Well, my daughter is only two weeks old, but I can't imagine any kid craps its pants cuter or is more adorable when wailing like a banshee for some unknowable reason.

Three year old daughter comes up to my wife and I and says "Daddy, can we get ice cream?"

No baby. Not right now.

"But Daddy...you know you want to."

Wife gives me the "you're busted, buddy" look and we go get the fucking ice cream.

My son's only 7 months, so no words yet, but man, he has the most infectious laugh ever. EVER I tell you!

Kid: Daddy, what's a motherfucker?

Dad: A person that works at the DMV, why do you ask?

I take the day off of work, have a day out with my 4 year old son. We hit McDonald's for lunch and he has the giant climbing playset to just himself and 1 little girl who he instantly starts playing with. The girl asks him to chase her, which he gladly does. From the top of the playset I hear the girl squeal, "You can't catch me!" to which my boy replies "I'm gonna give you ONE chance to walk away..."

No kids from this here feller, but one of my 5-year-old nephews was talking about a girl in his kindergarten class. Recalling what I could only imagine some cartoon, he said "When I see her, sometimes hearts come out of my body."

I'll be the creepy guy who hangs out at the park I guess.

The kids at my Cricket club have practice straight after school on a Wednesday, and then the adult teams straight after them. I arrived a bit early one day so the kids were still practicing in the batting cage, and one of them had forgotton his helmet, so he says to the kid bowling " If you hit me in the head I'm going to sue you!" and the bowling kid replies " Nooo, only Americans can sue people."
Then they probably both went home and fucked a sheep, so I don't know why they thought they could take the moral high ground.

My little sister (again, you guys are old) had just seen Return of the Jedi for the first time, was discussing it, couldn't remember Jabba's name, so referred to him as "that big fat ball of carbs."

My 2 1/2 year old Godson does an adorable Patronus charm and gets all freaked out when I retort with an Avada Kedavra.

I don't let my children speak.

This reminds me of a kid I had in my class a couple of years ago. He used to stomp around the room saying "Dammit, where are my keys?". I told his mom about it, and she turned a nice shade of red.

But my favorite is from several years ago. We had a fireman come and talk to the kids, and show his equipment and what not. As it turned out, the guy was black, and apparently, one of the kids had never met a black man before. He asked the fireman why he was brown, and the guy nicely explained that some people have different skin colors. So the kid asked if he was brown everywhere. He said yes, and that seemed to be the end of it.

The next day, this kid's mom comes in and tells us that he came home and told her that the fireman was "brown all over, even his penis". Her reaction was basically "Please tell me he didn't ask the fireman what color his penis was".

Oh, and an instant classic from just last month. One of our three-year-olds informed us that he has a penis, and his dad has a penis, "but my mom doesn't have a penis; she just has a lot of hair".

So he confused you with his mom? Zing.

When my nephew was around seven or so, he was reading one of his older sister's books - I think it was the first Lemony Snicket book (I could be mistaken about that). So he's telling me in great detail every single thing that happens in the book, and I'm losing interest in a big way. Then he mentions that the kids in the book are orphans, and that their parents died in a fire. I go, "Uh-huh..." in a very bored sort of way. Well, that sent him over the limit. He grabs me by the arm, turns me towards him, and says, "Did you hear what I just said? The parents are DEAD. They were KILLED. In a FIRE." He's 13 now, and I reminded him about that not too long ago, and he got a laugh out of it.

I did the whole "BARBARIC" schtick that's all the rage, and now all three of my kids do it. From my 1.8 year old daughter, to the 5 year old boy, to the 8 year old boy... BARBARIC!

It was really cute when I was on a red eye flight and the multiple babies would scream every time I almost fell asleep.

Also, apparently I used to pronounce 'truck' as 'fuck.' So that was a fun way to embarrass mommy.

as awful as it sounds, for some reason I did the signature deep-voiced Ice Cube "'Yaaay Yaaay'" exclamation to be funny (you know because I'm terribly white).

My wife wasn't amused.

Then my 15 month son repeated it. "Yaaay Yaaay". It was one of his first words.

He is now almost 21 months and continues to say "Yaaay Yaaay" when he is extremely happy.

My wife hates me.

All of you should start a child-fighting league.

It'd be terribly cute.

But I'm sure Cobretti's kids already know how to snap little baby necks. And still look adorable.

"stop hurting mommy"

My daughter's almost 2 so she hasn't busted out anything truly funny yet (she's mastered the art of saying 'please'/'pwease' with just the right tone and expression though).

When I was 7ish, innocent as all get out, I was riding in the car with my mom when I blurted out "Let's see if these bastards can do 90." She replied, "What did you say?" So I repeated: "Let's see if these bastards can do 90!"

She informed me 'bastard' wasn't a word I should be saying. Come to find out, I fit the definition so... I'm sure I hit a sore spot too.

When my little sister was first learning to talk and had just gotten to the point where she could put 2 words together like "give ball", she decided that she preferred to eat with the rest of the family rather than in a high chair. She sat in a booster seat at the table with the rest of us. My younger brother always was looking for ways to tease her so he kept reaching for items on the table and had his arm right in her face. It worked. That sweet little child got so mad she slammed her little spoon down on the table, turned to my brother, and said with all the venom her little body could muster....."You Goddamn Motherfucking Son of a Bitch!" At which point there was dead silence...

Ha. Not fifteen minutes ago my wife called me, laughing. She and a friend of theirs were making plans to drive to the city to go to Trader Joe's with my youngest daughter and our friend's youngest son. Our daughter, who turned four yesterday, said to our two friends, "We're going to watch CASTLE IN THE SKY in the car. It's a Miyazaki!" The friend just looked confused.

She's also been on this funny I-want-to-marry-Daddy kick lately which I chronicled here.

When my son was three his favourite song to listen to in the car on the way to preschool was Bring The Noise. At some point in the school year the teacher asked what everyone's favourite song was.

He replied "Too Black" (Chuck D starts the song with "Too black, too strong..."). I had to explain his answer to a concerned teacher when I picked him up that day.

My daughter (3) has the habit of insisting that I converse with her in cartoon or muppet voices on many occassions. If she calls out to Cookie Monster/Goofy/etc, she gets frustrated if I answer in regular "Daddy" voice. Saying goodnight, she'll call out to my entire repertoire as I make my way to the door.

Lately, we do a little "Baby Robot/Daddy Robot" routine with respective voices and dancing (The "Robot" of course), that cracks us up like crazy. Wish my wife was as entertained.

Her phrases of choice have been:
"Gimme some space."
"Gimme a break."
"Dirty darn!" (my wife's influence)
"Lay me some skin!" or "Gimme 5!"
"Rock on!"
"Um, excuse me, can I talk to you a minute?" (usually when she's been caught in the act and she wants to hide something behind her back= misdirection)

Unfortunately, she also picks up the "bad behavior" phrases from her kiddie shows (Franklin, Little Bear, etc) that actually try to teach against those bad behaviors. She learned how to verbalize her pouts with "I don't care!" and "No fair!" from these type of shows.

When she wanted to get up from the table (which is usually after a bite or 2), she used to say "I'm full!" After a bit, I started to respond with "Your full of baloney...". Since then, she now says "I'm full of baloney!" when she's had enough of what she's eating. Hilarious.

EDIT: Added more as they occurred to me.

This past weekend, my mom gave my three-year-old daughter a 12" Prince Charming doll. She took one look at the gorgeous faced, black-haired stud with the perfect smile and called it "Dada". Of course to her, my full name is "Dada Angles", so the Elektra complex was in full effect.

The next day, while my wife was driving her home, she repeatedly played out this scene where she asked the doll, "Dada, do you love me, yes or no?"

After moving the doll to nod his head, she replied "I love you, too!" and started passionately making out with it.

She threw him to the floor after she noticed my wife's streaming tears of laughter.

Bill Cosby loves this thread.

This thread is undeniably cute and hilarious. Huzzah!

That can't be true. Bill Cosby hates foul language.

You guys all sound like great parents. This stuff just makes me want kids even more.

Not too long ago I was sitting on the couch watching TV while the missus was surfing the net in the adjoining room. She stumbled upon some really fugly face pic while doing so and thought she'd razz me a bit by bringing our three-year-old son over, showing it to him, and saying "that's daddy, isn't it?"

His response? "No, it's you."

I'm still laughing my ass off at that one.

Well you did just say he was showing off his equipment.

Seconded.

Did you reply that you could dig it?

Well we've established that Frank's kids have a good father, who knew it'd turn out they have a bad mother.

About six months ago, I was changing the shorts on my now-almost-4-year-old boy when I accidentally put both legs through the same leg-hole:

Him: Dad! (giggle) Look! I'm a woman! (beat, suddenly very serious) I can't be a woman!

Also, this is one of his favorite jokes, and he made it up:

Him: Dad, guess what!
Me: What?
Him: BUTT! (riotous laughter)

I let slip my true feelings about Barney last week in front of my son. I said aloud, "Barney's dumb."

He looked at me with a shocked disbelief, like "how could you feel that way, Dad. That doesn't make sense" kind of look.

He replied, "Barney not dumb. Barney nice."

He's only 2, almost 3, mind you. The funny thing is, I felt really bad about that. Like, why did I have to be a dick about Barney? Even though I can't stand Barney, and Barney is NEVER on TV at our house. I'm assuming he saw Barney at the sitter's. I hope. Otherwise, he's got some cosmic connection to Barney that's full of metaphysical shit that I won't be able to handle.

I have a pile of these stories. You've been warned.

A couple of Christmases ago, my wife sends me to Michael's (craft store) to pick up some sort of holiday shit. I take my daughter (who was two at the time) with me because the wife's all busy making pumpkin pie or something. So I'm pushing her around the stores in a shopping cart and she's getting all antsy and wants to take her jacket off. I say "just hold on a sec we're almost done," but she ain't havin' it, so she stands up in the cart and starts yelling "JACK OFF, DADDY! JACK OFF!"

We hightailed it out of there before someone called DHS.

Then, once at the grocery store, we're cruising the frozen food aisle and I ask her, "hey you want some fish sticks?" So she stands up in the cart (again) and starts yelling "I WANT FISH DICKS! I WANT FISH DICKS!"

We hightailed it out of there before someone called DHS.

Little girl: "No dice."

Boy: "Dis. ain't. ovah."

Earlier in the summer, I was enjoying a blue Slurpee, and my kid wanted to taste it more than breathe. I finally caved and gave him a sip. I said before hand that it was pretty sour, and he may not like it. After he tasted it, I asked him what he thought.

He replied, "IT'S FREAKING ME OUT!"

And yeah, he wanted more Slurpee.

A few months ago I was picking my daughter up at day care, and she tells me, "I need to go potty!" So I said, "Well, then GO."

She said, "There's a boy in there and I can't go in there when boys are in there. They have long private parts." Then she gets this wicked gleam in her eye, turns to one of her friends, and says, "My daddy has long private parts!" Then she breaks out this huge smile, turns to her classroom, and announces "MY DADDY HAS LONG PRIVATE PARTS!"

I've never been more proud. But still, we hightailed it out of there before someone called DHS.

EDIT: Double post.