I've hit a new low...

When I searched my own shit for undigested peanuts. Didn't find any, didn't eat any, but the fact I fingered through my own stuff to find it...

So. Anyone like Glennfiddich?

My burning question is 'if you had found any, would you have eaten them'?

I tried tricking myself into thinking NO, but I was fucking hungry, man. One of those "I guess we'll never know for sure" scenarios. Surprisingly, shit doesn't melt away with hot water. It's in no way like chocolate in that regard.

Vader, when I read the title of this thread and saw you started it, I was expecting that you went on some sort of Hoodie binge that left you bankrupt and overheated.

Chris Kent, please go swim in some antiseptic.

Well, I think we've all gone through our trashcan late at night, trying to find enough reefer stubs to pry open, in order to roll us a new one from the remnants of tobacco & weed found therein.. because we're all out and no one of our friends who might have a little left to share will pick up their goddamn phone at 3 o'clock..
Right?

With all the taxes the Empire collects you probably have shitloads of money, so stop whining. Unless the emperor suckered you into signing for a fixed rate instead of a percentage.

On topic now, my lowest point. I once woke up from an 18 hour alcohol induced coma and I was hungrier than Galactus. On the floor next to the couch I see a sandwich left there from when I passed out while trying to eat it. So like a good slob I gather the mess as good as I can and proceed to eat it.

I think this particular thread will create some new legends around here.

Alright, I'll share.

After a night of binge drinking with some buddies, I threw up and passed out like the champ I am. I woke up the next morning, head pounding and bladder full. I stumbled into the bathroom to find my buddy, passed out, and gripping the toilet like it was a fluffy pillow. I tried waking him two or three times, but the fucker wouldn't budge.

I think he only got hit with splashback.

How Brundlefly of you, Miller. Bravo!

Last time I got severely wasted (about 5 years ago, mixing beer, wine, port wine and vodka throughout the evening), I walked home. I hurry up to open the door, and I manage to do so, but miserably fail the run to the toilet, thus puking in the corridor. I still needed to reach my destination...only to slip in the said pool of vomit, knocking myself out and spending the night right there. Glorious moment indeed.

8 years ago. Dropped out of college. Crashing in an apartment my dad kept to make his weekday commute to San Francisco easier. Stealing his booze to drunk dial my then girlfriend who I was sort of on the outs with at the time. Then alternating between hideous conservative talk radio and an episode of Mama's Family on a TV that only got one channel. Oh, and I worked at Starbucks.

FUCK you guys for bringing it up!

In my younger days....feeling dejected and lonely and having sex with a blow up doll....and then it pops...

I don't want to talk about this anymore *sobs*

You know, I was trying to come up with something to post in here, but I've got nothing that touches any of this. I'm feeling pretty good about my life right now.

Holy crap, you had a total Lupe Velez moment!

Lowest point - not to get all serious, but it had to be the day I filed for bankruptcy. I mean, yes, I was truly in bad financial straits, or I wouldn't have done it - it was a jam that was above and beyond what my regular paychecks or credit counseling could get me out of, so I thought. But I had a job at the time and reasonably nice clothes in my closet, so not even thinking, I went with the knee-jerk reaction of "Okay, my good black suit for bankruptcy court..."

My lawyer says to me - "Oh, no no... Do NOT dress up. Look as pathetic as you can - old jeans, a sweat shirt, no makeup, don't bother too much with your hair. Look poor." I mean at that point, I had financially hit an all time low. And he said to absolutely look the part, and it would go alot easier for me, which it did. But still. I felt like utter shit after they wrapped it all up, it was done - I was bankrupt, and I was sitting there dressed like a fucking hobo on top of it all.

I don't think I have anything in my own life that could work, every low I have hit I knew full well where I was going and was glad I got there.

However, my best friend in college woke his girlfriend up one night because he was shitting in the corner of the bedroom. He thought he was in the john.

I've done this more than once, but just pissing, no shitting. I think a lot of people have. I don't consider it an all time low, just another bump on the hazardous road of alcoholism.

In college, bad case of food poisoning, and I'm on the toilet with just wave after wave of leg-shaking diarrhea coursing out of me.

And then I feel like I have to throw up.

Now, do I get up and turn around and not only stick my head into a reek-filled toilet but run the risk of crapping all over the floor? Or do I stay seated and just Linda Blair it right onto the tile?

I chose option B, of course.

Yeah, I think you definitely went with the lesser of the two evils.

I'd have to say my lowest low involved a box cutter and my arm. I was 15 and did it in the bathroom of this shitty retail store I worked at. Then I proceeded to wrap it up in towels and go back to the register. Then to make things even better, I had a cut that was a bit too deep and began to bleed on people's dollar christmas decorations as I ringing them up. It was a "dollar for anything" retail store. Apparently my life "sucked" so much back then. At least I can look back at it now and laugh. So yah...no peeing in my room or slipping on puke for me....

Nothing quite as scatalogical as most of these, but yeah, i've done the rummaging through dimps in a vain effort to scrape together enough weed for even a crappy little blast on a joint.

I also knew I was smoking too much when I went to sell my PS1 to get enough cash to score some weed. This was in 2002 and they weren't THAT old. They told me to make it worthwhile, I should trade in all my games with it (which I had planned on either selling on individually to make a bit more cash, or keep to play on friends' systems). So I did trade them in. I got £20. You better believe I made that eighth last. And then I thought about giving up. When you're hawking your shit to pay for drugs, its time to rethink things.

Luckily, in my one and only bout with food poisoning so far (knock on wood) I threw up first.

Thank God.

Ya know, there is that device which delivers this clear liquid out of a silver colored thingee located in your kitchen. Sure it might taste not all that great but if you've got nothing else and you don't want to get dehydrated. There is that.

I think food poisoning is the one of the few low points of my life for which I am blameless. Unless I can be blamed for eating sweet and sour chicken on Christmas eve. What followed that culinary delight was 1 week of agony and 1 week of uncertainty. Walking around thinking you are A ok, only to have any pride you have left dashed in a flash of stomach pain followed by a half a gallon squirt of liquid shit. Then having to stagger into a toilet (in my case I had to struggle up some stairs to a snooker club, that was a 5 minute decision in itself. Have you ever tried to hold diarrhea in you pants going up stairs.) and try to clean your self up. I ended up flushing my underwear away and stretching my t-shirt in an attempt to cover the shit stain on my jeans.

Later that evening, after mum prescribed me a healthy dose of mint tea and biscuits, I proceeded to projectile vomit. I managed to puke about 2 feet into the sink, almost without spilling a drop. While puking it was then my body decided to purge fully, so I just crawled into the bath and turned on the shower and weeped, puked and shat for about 10 mins.

It's also cruel on how your lowest moments are generally the funniest stories you will ever tell at parties.

I realize the tap water sucks. (Believe me, I drink my water out of plastic jugs) but it's not like if you have one glass it'll kill ya.

Speaking of which, ambiance gives you cancer? The hell? I mean I can understand ambiance wanting to put you into a diabetic coma. But cancer?

If microwave popcorn can give you asthma, I'm going to say yes.

Did it resemble this?

This happened to me once. I was lucky to be in my own bathroom at home though. I grabbed the little bathroom trash can next to the toilet and upchucked into that while shooting out diarrhea. I started just laughing at how ridiculous it all was and it reminded me of Kenny's dad on South Park.

In College I was in-between jobs and needed cash. One can only drink so much Lone Star and Pearl before the headaches become too much to bear. A friend (bastard) talked me into applying at his place of business. I went along for the ride and actually became employed. By the Republican Party of Florida...as a Telemarketer. May God have mercy on my soul.

Thankfully two weeks later one of the other jobs I applied for called me back and I was able to escape. But I will never get back those two weeks of my life, the darkest days known to man....oh the humanity.

Not the drunken dregs of the bottom...I've had one or two of those. But the moment I felt the worst in my life was in taking a gift from a stranger.

Gigs weren't coming. Just...not there at all. I had a few guitar students, but they were dicey and I hadn't figured out that you pre-pay for lessons at the beginning of the month. So the wife and I were broke. And hungry.

So I broke open my change jars and we went to Aldi's to get ramen noodles, mac and cheese, peanut butter and a loaf of bread. Wife was a school teacher and we'd get her check in a few days. But we were hungry now.

So we get our stuff and make it to the cashier. I warned her in advance that I had change and did my best to get everything sorted into little $1 piles as we put them on the conveyor. The cashier had that "Well fuck me" look on her face. The people in line behind us sort of stirred.

And as I stacked my coinage, I felt a little tap on my shoulder. I turned around and this guy was behind me, holding out a ten dollar bill. "Hey man, you dropped this over in aisle four". I looked at him for a second. We both knew better. And all I could do was stand there and try to graciously thank him for picking it up for me without giving away that I wanted to melt into the floor.

I paid for the groceries, and my wife looked at me and asked "I thought we just had change....where'd the money come from?" and I told her "Someone took pity."

It's not that it's so bad to be in dire straits now and again. But to be taught the lesson in humility and grace like that was just a little rough for me.

OK - here's mine!

The night of my bachelor party, and my best friend is trying to round everyone up for the trip to Atlantic City. Out of about 10 people, only my best friend, Matt, my comic shop connection, Ray, and I are the only ones going. The three of us pile into Matt's car, and head out to the city. We hit the first strip club we see, which was pretty much dead, with some truly average dancers doing their thing. Screw it, the night's young, we go somewhere else.

Naked City. We get seats close to the stage, and the MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMAN ON EARTH appears (Angelina Jolie? Please. Carla Gugino? I laugh at thee. Scarlett Johansen? She only wishes. Any woman you bring up, this one tops 'em ALL).

She gets on stage, does her dance. Everyone in the room is dead quiet, watching this... this... GODDESS do her moves. Gorgeous face, fiery red hair, tight white t-shirt, daisy duke shorts. She never even got naked, but we were all mesmerzed at how beautiful and graceful she was. We politely hand her some money, careful not to touch her - every guy, I mean EVERY GUY in the place did the same thing. It would've been like touching the Mona Lisa with shit on your hands. Matt, Ray, and I just felt ugly, unworthy of being in the same state with this girl - it felt like we knew in 1000 years none of us would ever be worthy of this girl, no matter what. A girl that just makes you ashamed to be a guy, and she's dancing for our pleasure. We immediately left, hitting shitty club after shitty club, but we just felt gross and depressed, as if we knew any woman we met after that night, for the rest of our lives, would pale by comparisson - too beautiful for words.

I finally got a lap dance from a dancer at the first club we went to ('cause that's all I thought I deserved), but she had a lot of mileage on her years wise (skinny, wrinkly, etc.). We grabbed some breakfast at McDonalds, and headed home. All we talked about was the girl from Naked City the whole ride back. UGH.

It's kind of touching Tim, that after all of your legendary "Cleaning Horrendous Bathrooms" stories, that seeing the beauty to ruin all beauties was an all time low for you. I was expecting the story to end with " She was stunning, then I went into the bathroom and some guys intestines blew up on me".

Yup, been there too - rolling pennies and nickels out of the change jar to buy bread and peanutbutter to last me till payday. And your story was really sweet and heartbreaking at the same time. I'm glad things are better for you guys now.
That happened to me once, not when I was in dire straits. But I had gotten some fast food, just a burger and fries, and wasn't as hungry as I thought. I ate the burger, and noticed a homeless man camped out at the next table. I said, "Excuse me, sir? Would you like these?" And he said no. Puzzled me a bit, that one.

Tim, even though that was about a strip club? That was a cool story in its own odd way. I agree with Chris, it was kind of touching.

I can't say which is worse. Working as a telemarketer or working for a state political party? I mean you may have combined two circles of hell into one.

I worked for a year as a Telemarketer, and then a Supervisor for them for a year after, all for MCI while they were going bankrupt. It was a new level of hell, but I think doing all of that for Jeb Bush would have been the all time low. Judgesmails, you have cajones my friend.

Well, they can't all be winners! Besides, I think y'all deserved a breather from my tales or daring poo, er, do.

Seriously, I've never had that kind of reaction before in regards to girls, nor did the two guys I was with (my best friend usually has about 2-3 girls he's seeing at any one time - confirmed bachelor). I can't explain it - the three of us just felt really depressed and hideously malformed, like we weren't worthy of breathing the same air as she did.

If anything, I'm amazed that my wife digs me.

One night in Paris I was so drunk that a few hours after I hit the bed I had to piss. In my drunken state I found that I was incapable of movement. I could literally not lift myself from the bed. The horrible resolution of this situation was that I opted to piss my pants freely and entirely of my own volition.

I have also left a couple of jobs mid-day. Both were the type of jobs you get as temp unskilled labor. One was on the janitorial crew at a frozen food warehouse. I left for lunch and never went back on day one. The other was at an assembly job. I actually ran away from that one with the boss chasing me. Also day one.

This is possibly the most entertaining thread per hour of existence ever.

It's all about the Vader, man......

I worked as a Temp...on an automated outgoing Collections call center..I checked the Hell Directory. That place was on the 3rd Ring of Hell.

Also, I was a Temp at an insurance call center-gave out benefit and claim information. Ironically, as a temp I didnt even have benefits myself....

I'm with you.

I worked at a Bob Evans restaraunt. As a college graduate.

I was also fired from Bob Evans. 12 days after I put in my 2 weeks notice. For keeping booze in the walk-in.

Also, they didn't know it was mine. I volunteered that information because I decided I'd rather spend the weekend at the casino than working my last 3 shifts.

Did you end up marrying that girl?

He did.

First let me say: I must spread some rep around before giving it to Teledork & Timothy225 again. TD for a truly touching story, Tim for kind of the same thing, in a watered down "Brief Lives" kind of way, and for going to the Naked City, where i spent a night while in AC at an insurance lawyers' convention a few years ago. I had fun, as I recall, and do not remember a life changingly beautiful woman in there ruining it for me.

Anyway, I can't decide which of the following 3 is the lowest:

1. I got very drunk in my freshman year of college one night, to the point I could barely walk or speak, but could still think clearly. My friend Karen wanted to walk me to my room so I could go to bed. I tried to tell her (but like I said, I couldn't speak) that I was so drunk I knew eventually I'd be sick, and couldn't go to bed yet. I eventually gave up & let her walk me to my dorm room. I waited a while for her to leave, and then went to wait for the inevitable in the men's room. Nothing's happening, and I'm really, really tired, and want nothing more than to pass out. So, I go out in the hall, and lie down on the carpet outside the bathroom, trying to give myself the spins. A little while later, this guy Dave (big Jamaican dude) and his girl come out of his room, a few doors down. I hear her whisper: "David, is he all right?" And the next thing I see is Dave stnding over me, asking "'Ey, mon, you all right?" By now my powers of speech have partially returned, and I geta cross to him what I'm trying to do. He understands, and walks away w/ his girl, laughing.

I honestly don't recall how that night ended, but I'd bet money it involved vomiting.

My first job out of law school sucked balls. See, I really wanted to be a prosecutor, but was never able to get one, & I felt stuck at this small firm where they worked me to death & paid me shit, and gave me grief besides. After one particularly self esteem destroying Friday afternoon berating from one of the partners, I drove my car to a PATH train station in Jersey City, and took a PATH train into lower Manhattan, and a subway uptown to my favorite strip club. I then proceeded to get rip ROARINGLY drunk. SO much so that it seems ike a good idea to me to actually spend the $300.00 and go into the Champagne Room. Mixing a bottle of Moet on top of all that beer on an empty stomach was a really bad idea. The stripper actually asked me to stop and go home, rather than spend anothr $300.00 on another hour w/ her, because she felt sorry for me. The next thing I remember is parking my car in front of my house (I still lived at home at the time, too). I do not remember the subway or PATH train rides, or the drive home. My 1st and only blackout. My brother came home a few minutes after I did and said: "Dude, your car's up on 2 wheels over the curb. What the FUCK?" Didn't feel that happening, either. A pretty low point, indeed.

But I did become friends for years afterward with that stripper.

I almost threw in the story about the time I went to the frat party & abused more substances than there are letters in my name, and had a sort of bad, paranoid trip. But upon reflection, that story is so funny it doesn't feel all that low to me anymore.

Maybe you all can help me decide? which is the lowest of the low?

Several of my friends have had the same thing happen to them, which I always find amazing. I've been ungodly drunk before in my life, but never to the point where I've pissed myself. It shouldn't surprise me when it happens to some people, but it always does.

The funniest situation where it happened was on a ski trip in North Carolina. My friend Jerry was sleeping on an air mattress with his girlfriend at the time, and pissed himself in the middle of the night. Since it was an air mattress, it had nowhere to soak into, so it just stayed in puddle form. His girlfriend woke up the next day with her hair (and everything else) completely soaked. We laughed, and she didn't talk to him for a day or so...

I'm constantly hitting incredible, legendary lows, mostly involving eating things no other person would dare (Oreos sitting on high school window sill for months? Check. Candy found laying on dusty stage floor? Check. Food that blatantly doesn't belong to me and I didn't ask about? Check so many times your brain will explode) or just appearing horribly hobo-esque (Asking couple if they had the time and being responded to like I'm about to stab them with an AIDS needle? Check. Walking down a Boston sidewalk at night and having woman walking ahead of me purposefully cross the street to walk on the opposite side of the road but still in the same direction? Check repeatedly. Having kindly homeless person offer you money? ...check...).

The most recent low? Waking up in my vehicle's driver seat shirtless in some town center in Minnesota at the crack of dawn, getting out and stretching, walking maybe ten paces, and taking a leak right on the town green. The horrible shit-smell of death rom the Hormel factory down the way was wafting over. So perfectly, beautifully low, I couldn't help but smile.