The Official Alcoholism Thread

I once puked in the bathroom at "Cheeseburger in Paradise."

I've actually been doing pretty well lately- I only drank 3 out of the last 7 days. And only once did I get home at 6:00 in the morning, after post-bar White Castle.

You know you're a drunk when you can puke in the bathroom of a song.

Lord knows I remember that's the case when I had horrendous diarhea at "Bizarre Love Triangle". Shouldn't have had the taquitos.

Dear God, this thread's going to be glorious, I can tell.

Yes, Nord I'm tellin ya, get ready for some comedy.

Although I think an alcoholic is someone whose thirst interferes with their life (work, school, etc), I realized that I could conceivably be termed an alcoholic for two reasons this spring.
1: I had a bottle of whiskey I kept in the shower.
2: I would drink from it at 4 a.m. each morning when I got up for my job.

You said private dysfunctions so I guess I will be a heavy:

My father was and is to this day an alcoholic. Therefore I eschewed the high school bingeing/partying and didn't have a drink until I was 22 years old for fear of becoming what I couldn't stand in him.

I drank pretty regularly in college but experience with his overindulgence in my childhood led me to find my limits pretty early on and I always was "sober enough" to drive my buddies home at the end of the night. Either that or it skipped a generation.

My oldest is now five and when my father would come to visit us for the first year of his life he would immediately pull in the driveway, unload his luggage and go to the store if I didn't have beer in my fridge. After one such episode I asked him to just take a load off for awhile. This was apparently his cue to just begin bringing his own cooler full of a case or two of beer for the weekend trips he would make.

On my son's second birthday he got a tennis racquet because I play a lot and he loved toddling around the court with me. We went to the courts and my old man was wandering off somewhere and I asked him why he wouldn't come sit with us and watch his grandson try to hit balls. This led to a spectacular argument and me just laying down the law.

I informed him in no uncertain terms that my son wasn't going to see the man I grew up seeing. He had a choice to make. I think it took him six months to make that choice after hemming and hawing with my sister and blaming me for being an asshole.

He doesn't drink when he visits anymore.

I am by no means against drinking, I have a full liquor cabinet at all times. I just never got into making a life of incoherence.

I already posted in the Reached a New Low thread about the time I pissed around my buddy's head because he passed out on the toilet. That same year, on the 23rd anniversary of my birth, I slipped and fell in a puddle of my own spew on the way to the bathroom. Granted, most of what I had vomited up was Jagermiester and Long Island Iced Teas, as that's what people were buying me (5 or 6 at a time). I've actually posted this story before too, come to think of it. Let's just say the years between 20 and 23 were unkind to my liver.
Since then, If I get drunk more than once every couple of months, it's surprising.

Edited to add, when I started typing this out, scsotdc's post was not up yet. Now I feel like a douche for being lighthearted.

Well, I don't think I'm an alcoholic by any means but I will say that I've started having a drink when I get home nowadays since my wife and I decided to separate. I know it's not necessary but it does lessen the pain a bit makes the night move along more smoothly and quicker. Although, I can see how this can lead to more serious issues.

Let me remove that not so fresh feeling, Chris.

On my 23rd, I was in the midst of the breakup with my high school sweetheart. Six years down the drain, right? Long Island Ice teas, gin, beer and at least two hits of ecstasy later I was dancing on the pool tables of a sports bar in GA. After the management made me get down the third time the two guys I was with somehow got me out of there and to one of their apartments. This one guy was known to have walked out on a tab or two in his day so I was just beside myself with worry that this fucker had stiffed that nice waitress.

I left his apartment and stumbled two miles back to the bar, where my car had been left, and went inside to make sure I paid and tipped my waitress. I had no idea what time it was but the front door was unlocked. I went in, made it halfway across the deserted bar and the alarm begins blaring. I very casually turn on my heel and try to locate the path I had used to get where I was from the front door.

I found it and my car and proceeded to drive home in no condition to even walk home. I made it safe and sound but that was a funny night.

*EDIT* Listen, I got heavy alcoholic dad stories like Tim225's got amusement park shitter stories.

I gave up amateur alcoholic standing and went pro 10 years ago. You have to maintain a .10 blood alcohol at all times, and yet still manage to earn a living and maintain a somewhat normal family life.

It's sometimes hard, especially when I realize I've been married 3 times, but can't remember the names of my two ex-wives without looking them up on the divorce papers.


3 Fun Alcoholic facts

1) If you can't down 3 straight shots of Jack Daniels in a row without flinching, Congratulations, you are not an alcoholic. Condolences, however, on being such a light weight pussy.

2) Most problem drinkers are really just Drunks. Alcoholics go to meetings.

3) The Majority of people can't drink and drive because they were never TAUGHT to drink and drive (thanks Dad). Help stop MADD from fucking it up for those of us who were.

I was waiting for that post. I was not disappointed.

I would never have pegged myself as an Alcoholic but I just realised that I've only actually been sober for two nights since July 22nd. Granted a lot of those nights were the three or four Irish Coffee's I've been having whilst playing BioShock, but when you can count your days of sobriety on one hand you know you may be heading for a problem.

I've gotten drunk and embarrassed myself and puked a lot too!

High-five, everybody!

I'm the "cheap date" weighing in on this thread. Two drinks is all it takes for me to have a lampshade on my head, so I guess I don't fall into the category the way you guys are talking about it. I have done some pretty embarrassing things after I've hit my two drink limit on the occassions I've drank. I have:

1. Chased a romantic rival down the street so I could beat the crap out of her, a la The Crazy Astronaut Lady, but without the mace and diapers. That was college, so I was hopped up on two Bartles and James wine coolers, sadly enough. Wine Coolers: The Zima of the 80s.

2. Cornered helpless friends of mine with the usual, "I LOVE YOU GUUUYSS!!! We're gonna be friends FOREVER! And I love YOU, and I love Heather, and Gus, and Brian, and Jennifer, and Lee and..."

3. See #2 - that same night, as we went from Bar #1 to Bar #2, I made a pass at the bouncer at the second bar, and two of my friends dragged me off of him.

4. Got fairly drunk at a wedding rehersal dinner. Didn't puke, but one of the ushers decided he'd better come into the bathroom with me to make sure I didn't pee in the sink (No, no no - it wasn't like that. He's gay, so he wasn't trying to make a move - it really was genuine concern on his part. Plus the fact that it wasn't the first time he's headed into the ladies' room with me). With his guidance, I landed on the can just the way I was supposed to. Was mildly hung over the morning of the wedding.

Yeah, I think that's about it. Not very exciting, but I've done a few dumb things while buzzed.

I drank a bottle of Rum by myself and won the breathalyzer contest at a party about a year ago. I blew a .27 - yay!

I've been sober since Dec. last year.

I threw a glass bottle in a parking lot at a strip club bouncer at my bachelor party. We hightailed it out of there. I have no idea if I hit the guy or not. I've never been that drunk since.

Don't get me started. Sheeze.

I may just have to break out the gin tonight in celebration of this thread.

Shit, I was thinking about heading over to the liquor store for a bottle of Jack right now. Makes the workday fly by...

Fun Alcoholic Fact #4:

If you don't already have a bottle of Jack Daniels on/in your desk, you are not an Alcoholic. Rum/Gin/Vodka don't count, as they are merely party mixes. If the Jack Daniels has been replaced with a bottle of good Scotch, then you ARE still an alcoholic. Just a really classy one.

Dammit. How's about if I have an empty flask in my desk?

You're an alcoholic with poor inventory management skills.

Whew! That can be remedied at least. For a second there I thought my dream of becoming a better writer through alcohol was in danger.

So I'm not the only person who truly believes that alcohol makes him better at his profession?

Yep, I'm a drunk. Built up a Dread Pirate Roberts-level of tolerance to booze, and can drink pretty much everyone I know under the table. I never throw up, not even the next day, but the older I get the longer and more brutal the hangovers become. I tend to go on the wagon about once a year, detox a bit, but always backslide because I'm surrounded by friends who are drinkers.

My worst habit is solo drinking when I'm playing video games. I keep a beer and a shot right beside me, sip on the beer and then take a shot (ice cold Ketel One) whenever I reach some sort of achievement in the game I'm playing. But I have to admit, this does add some re-playability to my games, as I'll often have but a fuzzy recollection of the last evening's final levels...

You earn your treat!

Note that it takes years of dedication, training and focus to be able to achieve the title that is "The Dean Martin of Alcoholics".

As Banks can attest, I am the definition of binge drinker when I socially play video games.

I have this image in my head of Singer, slurring loudly at his TV, "Yurrr Goddammm right I saved the Prinshesh!!"

I didn't realize I had a drinking problem till the next day after I went to Mardi Gras this year. We had been bar hopping all night and I was doing my usual "Crown and Coke" at each bar we went to. We then headed over to a side bar my local friends would go to alot. Then I, being a dumbass challenged my friend's roomate to a drinking contest. He was of Irish descent and started the action off with a couple of car bombs.

Needless to say, he won and I ended up not caring too much about life for a few days after.

I think someone took a photo of me doing my best "Jackson Pollock" later that night.

Late last Sunday night it was more like, "Whuddya mean, innershepshun?!? That muhfucker wass wide opn! Cheatin' goddam Madden! Take yer Tinactin and shove it up your ass! Where's mah Bioshock disk, dammit?".

<snores loudly>

Now I want a Car-Bomb. Mmmmm, Car-Bomb.

Samesies! I've recently started dating this guy who fancied himself a drinker. After one night out with me and my friends, he changed his stance. He particularly thought it funny that my local bartender pours my G&T's into pint glasses.

Yeah, but this isn't so much the booze as it is the onset of Alzheimer's.

Yeah, but nobody makes better bathtub gin than Singer. He learned how from his pappy in aught-6, he did! Single handedly saved the family when Herbert Hoover gathered up all the whiskey barrels and built the Brooklyn Bridge outta 'em!

Is a Bioshock disk that round thing EMTs use to revive elderly heart attack victims?

Me too, high fives all around! I need to pick up a couple bottles before the 25th. HALO 3 is quickly becoming an expensive proposition.

An alcoholic is someone who chooses to drink Cement Mixers all night long.

Who chooses to drink Cement Mixers? That would be like someone to enjoys taking shots of Prairie Fire. The only time anyone orders them is for a 21-run.

I don't drink that often, when I do it's always socially, but I do wind up getting hammered. But after my birthday this year I've kind of had my fill until the next birthday. I went to an Irish Pub downtown, on my 21st birthday, that was on St. Patrick's Day. As soon as I showed my ID to get in the bar they already had me in the VIP area and everyone was rotating shots and Guiness in front of me for eight hours. I awoke upside down in the back seat of my friends car at a house that I had never seen before.

Hey! You got any weed?

I forget the rhyme but weed ALWAYS, ALWAYS before booze.

"Booze before weed, sound like duke fleed, Weed before booze, get lots of cooze"?

Fun Alcoholic Fact #5:

"Cement Mixers", along with "Sex on the Beach" and "Oatmeal Cookies" are for drunk sorority chicks only. Men found drinking any of the above are required to wear only Pastels, attach a rainbow flag to their car's bumper, and finally introduce their boyfriend "Tiger" to their parents.

I drink Prairie Fires and 151 proof for fun, but only when I'm coming down from meth or when I get back from my weekly trip to the clinic. I get all jittery.

Seriously, my mom was a huge alcoholic when I was growing up, and it gave me rage issues and a hatred of women. On the plus side, I'm probably never going to go down that path due to all the bad memories. Weed addiction was my thing.