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Guy advice - Guys?

post #1 of 137
Thread Starter 
Since the Chewers seem like a smart, good-smelling, reasonable lot of folks, I'm branching out with my first "I could use some advice" thread. Actually, it's more like (to the guys), "If you were the guy in question, would this weird you out?"

About a year ago, I was taking Karate lessons for the second time in 11 years. I had taken them years before, and moved up to blue belt (which, in the style I took, is only second rank, not third like in many styles). Since I hadn't been a blue belt very long back in '95, I decided last year to give it another whirl, and started off at white belt again, which was fine.

I didn't really wind up enjoying it as much as I did previously, and then I got a new job, and my schedule became impossible, so I quit again. I really only wound up taking the lessons again for a couple of months before petering out. What really briefly kept me going for that short time was that I was completely hot for my instructor.

I think, looks-wise anyhow, he was about my age, or near it at any rate. Really nice, great personality from what I could see. I didn't notice a wedding band, but then again, anyone in class who was married had to take their wedding rings off for when we did fist punches, etc. I was close enough to him several times that I couldn't notice any tell-tale wedding ring line around his finger. But then again, maybe he didn't wear a ring, even if he was married.

I also got the slightest, just tiniest, inkling that he might be interested. Or not - could be he was just a really nice person. My "guydar" can be off sometimes.

So, the purpose of this post is - now that we're no longer instructor or student anymore, I was thinking of contacting him to see if he'd like to get together for coffee and see what happens from there. I really don't want to go over to the school or phone, because it's now been a year since I've taken classes, and it just seems kind of stalkery.

The question remains for me - what's the best way to get in touch with him? I was thinking a simple blank greeting card, maybe with a brief, "I hope you remember me from when I took your classes last year, and was wondering if you'd like to get together?" or something of that nature. The worst that can happen is he doesn't respond, either because he might be married, or simply not interested. I know he knows my name, and if I said, "Lisa, who took your white belt evening class last year", he would probably know who I was.

Or, do you think it's best to leave well enough alone? Does this sound weird or stalkerish to the guys in the audience? I guess the fact that it's been a year, and it would just be a normal little card in the mail doesn't seem too out there. I mean, it's not like I'm mailing him my ear.

Advice? What do you think?
post #2 of 137
If a girl did that to me, and I was single curiosity would make me want to try a date...cuz, y'know..why not?

If he's cool with it, you get a date out of it. If he's not, you never hear from him again. No face-to-face shame. And let's face it, we'll all do something way more potentially weird and/or embarrassing than this unintentionally in the next month..so I say go for it.
post #3 of 137
That sounds pretty reasonable. It's nice every once in awhile in this, the modern age.. to be approached by the girl instead of it always being the other way around. Especially if he is harboring similar feelings.

I'd say, go for it!

Too bad about not actually enjoying the Karate though, I'm hoping to start up in Kyokushin Karate this month.. ^_^
post #4 of 137
A year later, after not taking the class, and you never had a strong connection, like hanging out outside of class, and you're still thinking about him - that does seem a little strange. But if he's single there's a chance he'll at least give it a try.
post #5 of 137
If you're really worried he'll be freaked (he'll probably be flattered) then try "bump into him" somewhere, ask for his email and go from there.

Alternately - and probably just as effective: Call him up. Ask him out. Whammo!
post #6 of 137
Mail him your ear, as a martial artist, he might appreciate that.

I'd say mail him the card, it couldn't hurt.
post #7 of 137
I honestly think sending a note might come off weirder than actually dropping back by the place. People don't really send notes anymore. Besides, what better way to remind him who you are than to let him get a look at you again. If he was feeling you, he's gonna remember that a lot more vividly with you smiling right in front of him than with a blank greeting card in his hands.

I'd just drop by. Ask him in person. The note, to me, reads more "stalkery" than just showing up would. It says "i'm watching you from afar, and sending missives all clandestine and shit."
post #8 of 137
You should for sure find out if he's involved or married first imo.

Stalk him or hire a Private Det.
post #9 of 137
Call Owen's grandmother, she'll get the skinny on him for you. Especially is he has a facebook.
post #10 of 137
A card sounds like a nice thing to do. Go with that, and as you said Lisa, the worst that can happen is that he doesn't respond.
post #11 of 137
Quote:
Originally Posted by Quarant
If you're really worried he'll be freaked (he'll probably be flattered) then try "bump into him" somewhere, ask for his email and go from there.

Alternately - and probably just as effective: Call him up. Ask him out. Whammo!
^^This one, and by "bump into him" he means follow him from the school and stage a "bumping into." The small talk will refresh his memory and it will give him a chance to check you out and remember whether he was into you or not. I'm not saying to open with "So are you seeing anybody?" But certainly find out before asking him out.

Good luck.
post #12 of 137
You should arrange a "Daredevil" meeting...
post #13 of 137
The note thing seems a bit odd, and plenty odd dated. I would just go up there and re-introduce yourself. If he says 'Oh of course I remember you Lisa' you're golden to ask if he wants to go out for a bite. If he has not the foggiest who you are, just explain you took his class, and had to leave due to other committments, but for some reason, you really took a liking to him.

It's completely cheesy, but if he's a nice guy like you think, then he will probably appreciate that a girl has been sheepishly thinking about him this long.

The same kind of thing happened to me recently when I bumped into a girl from high school, and she confessed she had been interested in me but we never got a chance to really talk. Sure it was weird, but I took a chance and we went out. And we graduated almost a decade ago. So a year is nothing.

Good luck!
post #14 of 137
Thread Starter 
See, not that I don't appreciate the female advice I've gotten over the years, but this is exactly why I wanted the guys to weigh in! If it seems weird, then I won't go that route - and yeah, maybe now that might not be the best route.

I'm not sure how the best way is to "show up" and accidentally run into him, that's the problem - nor how I find out of he's married. (It might be worth signing up for FaceBook just to see if Owen's Grandmom can get the skinny on him for me!) I know what time his class lets out - the problem there is that he loves nothing better than to hang around after class, throwing smaller blackbelts around the room like rag dolls (He's fairly ginormous, so he can pick up other adults like I can pick up my cat. You can tell it's fun for him). And really I think it would be far creepier to hang around till the school closes. So keep throwing suggestions out there while I think of another angle.

And really, yeah, it's been a year, but he was cute and I figure, "Why not?" I was too embarrassed back then, and I've been too busy in the past year to think of him until recently. So I know, it does come off as strange to be thinking of this guy after a year, but honestly, he's just a guy I'd possibly like to contact. He's not like "love of my life" or anything, so please, don't worry.

Edit - and yeah, I think you guys are right, the note thing seems rather dated in this day and age, now that you point it out. And this:

Quote:
The same kind of thing happened to me recently when I bumped into a girl from high school, and she confessed she had been interested in me but we never got a chance to really talk.
That sort of sums it up right there - I"m interested, but never got much of a chance to talk to him.
post #15 of 137
Does the Karate school have an email address, or do you know of one that would go directly to him? I know that, for me personally, I'd find an informal email a little more casual and comfortable than an actual card. While obviously nice, a card might send a tiny bit stronger of a message than you intend. I think even a casual phone call would be better than a card. In my humble.

EDIT: You already replied before I posted.
post #16 of 137
Thread Starter 
Yeah, you're right. I was thinking the card might seem the least harmless route, but on second and third thought, you guys are right - I think it might send the totally opposite message.

Actually, I did think of something just now - does this sound casual enough? I could head over to the school right before it closes on a night I know he's teaching (his class schedule is up on their website, plus I don't think it's changed much from when I took his class). They have books and tee shirts there, etc., and I could say I was looking to pick up a book for a friend's present, or a gift certificate for classes, and wanted to see how I'd go about that. He might be there, ready to head home.

Of course, there's really not going to be any way I can find out if he's married till I talk to him, if that happens at all. I don't know anyone over there well enough to ask them without them knowing why.

Thanks, guys - I feel slightly less uncertain now that I have some advice. Not sure yet when, or even if I wind up doing it at all. But if I decide, "what the hell, what can it hurt?", at least now it won't seem quite so weird and planned.
post #17 of 137
Ugly girls send notes.....don't send a note. Show up under the guise of deciding whether or not you want to get involved in karate again, then it's not weird if you watch the class for a minute or two as you'd be a potential student as far as anyone there is concerned.
post #18 of 137
The note is definitely stalkerish. And no private investigators are necessary. The best suggestion is the "Bump into him" route. You can make that easier by stopping by the dojo where he works at class close and say you're they're to grab some info for a friend at work who's interested in taking classes (You used to go there, so you said you'd stop by and pick some up). Allow a bit of small talk, and ask if he's interested in a drink/coffee now that class is over. If he's married/involved/not interested, he'll say he has plans. Just in case he really does have plans but is still interested, say "that's ok" and write him down your number and say give you a call when he has some time.

Guys love when women ask them out...Unless they're not interested. This gives him an easy out so he won't be uncomfortable if he's otherwise involved, and you'll know immediately that he's interested if he goes with you or calls you that week to arrange another time.
post #19 of 137
Personally, I prefer a woman to be more direct.

I've had notes given to me indirectly via bar tenders and servers before. I will third and fourth that note thing is a "childish" approach.

Just go to the dojo a few minutes before class ends and be direct. I know it's kinda scary, but from how you describe this guy he may be more inclined to give a date a shot.
post #20 of 137
Quote:
I could say I was looking to pick up a book for a friend's present, or a gift certificate for classes, and wanted to see how I'd go about that.
That's a nice in for you. I'd do that one.

And Billy's example is a good one for how it could go with you: Guys are pretty simple. It doesn't matter how long ago you last saw him, to a dude, an attractive woman out of fuckin nowhere approaching like "I think we should grab a bite to eat together" is always going to seem like a good move. Even if he turns out to be married, (your worst case) I'm willing to bet he'd be down for the meetup. To a guy, that's like free gold falling in your lap. Or a steak that walks onto your plate all by itself.
post #21 of 137
I think dropping by is the way to go. It involves a little more risk on your part, but it's definitely better than sending him a card, and probably better than an email, especially since it's been so long.

I think the best approach would be to go in and just say something like: "Hey, I drove by this place the other day, got to thinking about you, and thought you might want to grab a beer sometime." It's honest and straightforward, and lets him know your intentions without being aggressive or "stalkery."

Yeah, I know it's hard to ask someone out directly like that, but at least you'll know what it's like for us guys! And, the times I've had a girl ask me out like that, I've found it refreshing.

Good luck -- and let us know what happens!
post #22 of 137
Quote:
Originally Posted by LisaNewYork
Actually, I did think of something just now - does this sound casual enough? I could head over to the school right before it closes on a night I know he's teaching (his class schedule is up on their website, plus I don't think it's changed much from when I took his class). They have books and tee shirts there, etc., and I could say I was looking to pick up a book for a friend's present, or a gift certificate for classes, and wanted to see how I'd go about that. He might be there, ready to head home.
That's a good plan, although it might result in you having to buy a book or t-shirt that you don't really want so as not to look suspicious.

Or, as Jacob recommended, see if you can find an e-mail address through the school. If there's an e-mail address affiliated with the school (presumably, there is if there's a website), maybe e-mail that and see if whoever responds to those e-mails would mind passing his e-mail address on to you, or have him call or e-mail you, personally. I suggest not mentioning that it's a personal thing and not a Karate-related issue.
post #23 of 137
Just ask around and see what you can pick up.

Also, never forget to bow to your Sensei.
post #24 of 137
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Fatboy Roberts
Even if he turns out to be married, (your worst case) I'm willing to bet he'd be down for the meetup.
Noo, thank you very much. I don't go after married guys, seriously. If I found out he was married, the whole deal would be off.

You guys are great, thanks. It's funny now that I thought the note would be the least embarrassing way to make contact, but looking over your posts, now it really does sound creepy. Thanks for vetoing it - I'll go with the old, "Oh HI, Sempai Bill! How are you?"
post #25 of 137
Yeah, I agree with going to the school to inquire about possibly taking classes again, and perhaps suggesting coffee from there.
post #26 of 137
re: Email -- If I got an email through the channel that has been suggested, a year after the fact, I would think it was weird. It wouldn't necessarily preclude me from accepting a date, but I would definitely find it odd. Just my $.02 on that issue.
post #27 of 137
Quote:
If I found out he was married, the whole deal would be off.
oh yeah, I wasn't saying that if you found out, you should STILL pursue him. I was just saying most dudes are wired that even if they were married, they'd still at least go to the dinner simply because it's such an ego boost to have an attractive girl out of nowhere approach them and express interest.

Basically, the safety net here is a little wider than you might think it is.
post #28 of 137
Quote:
Originally Posted by Fatboy Roberts
I was just saying most dudes are wired that even if they were married, they'd still at least go to the dinner simply because it's such an ego boost to have an attractive girl out of nowhere approach them and express interest.
On behalf of decent guys, I have to disagree 100% with this. Being flattered and accepting the date are two completely different things.
post #29 of 137
I suppose that depends on the female in question. Anyway it isn't quite a date yet at this stage.
post #30 of 137
Lisa, if you truly NEED a excuse to go up there and chat with him, beyond you dig him and want to ask him out, avoid saying you are checking on classes again. He might then see you as a student again, and remove the chance for a date. If they sell books and such, use the idea of looking at something for a friend.

Like Fatboy said, we are simple. The best way to make him smile and accept a date, assuming he isn't married, is tell him you were going to come up there and make up a lame story about looking into classes or the books for a friend because you were embarassed, but just decided to ask if he would like to go out sometime.

This works because it shows him that you are direct, but still a bit coy, and you stroke his ego just that tiny bit. I don't care what any one says, a tea spoon of ego stroking goes a long way with any guy.

In all honesty, you're over thinking it. You're a girl going up to a guy asking if he would like to go out. Guys almost never get that. He'll say yes unless he's in a relationship or you have a giant booger on your nose.
post #31 of 137
Quote:
Originally Posted by Chris Wood
I suppose that depends on the female in question. Anyway it isn't quite a date yet at this stage.
A married guy doesn't need to be accepting random dinner invitations from women unless he clears it with the wife, no matter whether or not you call it a date. That's just semantics.

If she says okay, she's the coolest woman ever.
post #32 of 137
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Chris Wood
I suppose that depends on the female in question. Anyway it isn't quite a date yet at this stage.
No, definitely not. Right now I'm still in the "deciding if I'm even going to make a move" mode. Just if I did I wanted to know what guys thought the best approach is.
post #33 of 137
Quote:
Originally Posted by BillyG
In all honesty, you're over thinking it. You're a girl going up to a guy asking if he would like to go out. Guys almost never get that. He'll say yes unless he's in a relationship or you have a giant booger on your nose.
That pretty much sums it up perfectly! Just about any single guy will, at the very least, give a chance to any normal girl that asks him out. I don't know if women truly appreciate how infrequently that happens!
post #34 of 137
Quote:
Originally Posted by BillyG
In all honesty, you're over thinking it. You're a girl going up to a guy asking if he would like to go out. Guys almost never get that. He'll say yes unless he's in a relationship or you have a giant booger on your nose.
BillyG speaketh truth, most likely.
post #35 of 137
Quote:
Originally Posted by BillyG
Lisa, if you truly NEED a excuse to go up there and chat with him, beyond you dig him and want to ask him out, avoid saying you are checking on classes again. He might then see you as a student again, and remove the chance for a date. If they sell books and such, use the idea of looking at something for a friend.
I agree with this. If you mention anything at all about classes, he may instantly decide you are off limits. I know from where I practice that it's an unwritten rule to have a teacher dating a student. There may be a similar thing going on where you practiced and it may have prevented him from ever even considering dating you.
post #36 of 137
I met my wife at a cookout. I spoke with her briefly and thought she was cute.

2 days later my roommate (a girl) tells me that a girl I met at the cookout was interested in me.

I went by her work that weekend and further introduced myself, since I knew this girl liked me.. and we started dating.

So my recommendation is stop by the dojo and just let him know. I'd say the chances are high that he would go out with you (assuming he's not married).
post #37 of 137
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by billylove
I agree with this. If you mention anything at all about classes, he may instantly decide you are off limits. I know from where I practice that it's an unwritten rule to have a teacher dating a student. There may be a similar thing going on where you practiced and it may have prevented him from ever even considering dating you.
Good call, you're right. I can say that I'm looking over course material for a friend who's shopping around for classes. It also avoids the issue of, as DaveB pointed out, me having to possibly shell out for a book or a tee shirt if I use the "buying a gift for a friend" excuse. I mean, I'm interested. Interested enough that I'd go in there with the excuse of looking up class schedules and pricing info for a buddy. NOT interested enough that I can blow $20 on a pretend friend gift.
post #38 of 137
Quote:
Originally Posted by billylove
I agree with this. If you mention anything at all about classes, he may instantly decide you are off limits. I know from where I practice that it's an unwritten rule to have a teacher dating a student. There may be a similar thing going on where you practiced and it may have prevented him from ever even considering dating you.
But we're not talking about high school here, or even a public institution. I don't really see a conflict as far as the individuals are concerned.

Quote:
A married guy doesn't need to be accepting random dinner invitations from women unless he clears it with the wife, no matter whether or not you call it a date. That's just semantics.
Well, if he's thinking of accepting then he most probably isn't the type to tell his wife about it.
post #39 of 137
He must be fairly special if "a guy you didn't get to speak with much a year ago" is at the forefront of your thoughts and a lead candidate in your potential dating pool.

A letter in the mail (more like a Valentine) broke the ice between me and a girl that I was working with years back ('96). We're married now. At the time of my Valentine/note, we hadn't dated yet (and it appears that she was actually seeing someone else), but she was planning on quitting her job and my intentions at the time we're beyond "passably interested". I didn't want any chances slipping away.

A note a year later might seem stranger than a call or dropping by.

If you want, I can stand in the bushes behind you and whisper the right things to say. I speak the language of love and my nose is quite large.
post #40 of 137
Quote:
Originally Posted by Joe LeFors
I think dropping by is the way to go. It involves a little more risk on your part, but it's definitely better than sending him a card, and probably better than an email, especially since it's been so long.

I think the best approach would be to go in and just say something like: "Hey, I drove by this place the other day, got to thinking about you, and thought you might want to grab a beer sometime." It's honest and straightforward, and lets him know your intentions without being aggressive or "stalkery."

Yeah, I know it's hard to ask someone out directly like that, but at least you'll know what it's like for us guys! And, the times I've had a girl ask me out like that, I've found it refreshing.

Good luck -- and let us know what happens!
This'd be the route I'd take, Lisa. Nice, easy, and to the point. Or, if you're feeling adventurous, use one of the moves you learned against him, tie him up, throw him in the back of your car and take off like a bat out of hell. Whatever works. ;D
post #41 of 137
Quote:
Originally Posted by DARKMITE8
If you want, I can stand in the bushes behind you and whisper the right things to say. I speak the language of love and my nose is quite large.
You mean something like:

Quote:
Your breasts, they're like melons. No, no, they're like pillows. Can I fluff your pillows?
post #42 of 137
Thread Starter 
But he doesn't have pillows for me fluff... ohhhhhh, wait. I get it now.
Quote:
He must be fairly special if "a guy you didn't get to speak with much a year ago" is at the forefront of your thoughts and a lead candidate in your potential dating pool
Well, I should explain. After I moved back from my six months in California after the horrendous live in relationship with my now ex, I wasn't about to start dating again that soon. No way, not even close. The fact that this guy was interesting, cute, nice, and seemed my type? I said to myself, Tough shit. I wasn't about to jump back into even casual dating after just recently getting the hell out of the last relationship a couple of months before that.

Now it's been a bit more than a year since I've been home, and I'm finally ready to think about dating again. And really, to be honest, he's been on my mind only recently out of this whole past year - like maybe the past couple of weeks or so. I don't mean this to sound bad towards him in any way, but he's the only guy I've been even remotely interested in since last year. He was the only guy who even crossed my radar who I was like, "Ohhh, hey! He seems cool!" So despite the fact that I was very much interested last year, I just was sort of in a rut like, "Oh, fucking NO - you just got back from the worst experience of your dating life. Why are you looking to fuck it up again?"

So that's kind of where I was at with respect to my "dating brain" back when I first took notice of him. I liked him, but wasn't ready to dive in again after just getting home to NY a short time before that.
post #43 of 137
Lisa, my 2 cents

1) Do not send the note...too much time has passed.

2) Just drop in and go for it. If he's married or uninterested, at least you tried and you can move on and take comfort in the fact you'll never see him again for the rest of your life. That risk is definitely worth the potential reward.

Keep us posted!

P.S. You could also just walk up and say "I wanna jump your bones." 10% success rate according to some...
post #44 of 137
Quote:
Originally Posted by Henry_Hill
P.S. You could also just walk up and say "I wanna jump your bones." 10% success rate according to some...
I'm not really up on my karate moves, but there must be a more appropriate euphemism.
post #45 of 137
Quote:
Originally Posted by billylove
I agree with this. If you mention anything at all about classes, he may instantly decide you are off limits. I know from where I practice that it's an unwritten rule to have a teacher dating a student. There may be a similar thing going on where you practiced and it may have prevented him from ever even considering dating you.
Good point, plus.. if you guys DO hook up and yet you have no actual intention whatsoever of getting back into Karate.. that may be akward.
post #46 of 137
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Chris Wood
I'm not really up on my karate moves, but there must be a more appropriate euphemism.
He has grabbed me, karate-wise, in kind of a full-body sort of thing. It was nice. I liked it. I know it was supposed to be a move where you'd break your opponent's bones, but the opponent isn't suppsed to inwardly sigh with lust in response, I don't think.
post #47 of 137
Quote:
Originally Posted by billylove
Just go to the dojo a few minutes before class ends and be direct. I know it's kinda scary, but from how you describe this guy he may be more inclined to give a date a shot.
The man's name is Billy Love, fer pete's sake. How can you not take this advice?
post #48 of 137
I wouldn't send a note. While getting a note out of nowhere from a girl you haven't seen for a year is nice, it also is a bit creepy.

The best choice would be to "accidently" run into him somewhere, or to drop by under another pretense. The whole teacher/student thing might make things weird so you could either,
A) Say you were "in the neighborhood" and stopped by to see if he still worked there, or
B) Bring a friend by with them pretending they're interested in taking classes.
post #49 of 137
Never date someone who can beat you up.
post #50 of 137
Quote:
Originally Posted by LisaNewYork
He has grabbed me, karate-wise, in kind of a full-body sort of thing. It was nice. I liked it. I know it was supposed to be a move where you'd break your opponent's bones, but the opponent isn't suppsed to inwardly sigh with lust in response, I don't think.
Now see, if you had only done so outwardly this relationship would be much further along by now.
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