Guy advice - Guys? - Page 3

Yes. Exactly - I mean - exactly. "Hey, I like him... oh wait, it's a few days later, and suddenly he's not as interesting as he was on Wednesday.." I mean, I blow at relationships, that much is clear. And I'm not stupid, I do realize that alot of my indifference has some really grounded roots in just not wanting to get hurt again. But in the past couple of years, it's gotten to be less "fear" and really IS more like "indifference."
Oh, that doesn't worry me a bit - it really does work. My favorite ex-boyfriend was a guy I met through the personals about 12 years ago. And my best friend's sister met her husband on match.com. It seems like a really good way to go about it, actually. I have a picture of myself I'm pretty happy with up there, but I haven't paid for my subscription, nor have I written any kind of an interesting bio. Still need to do that - y'know, when I get around to it.

Here's a funny story about a guy I met about a year ago. My best friend from high school, who also happens to be my oldest friend in the world, got married about a year ago - he and his wife are due for their first baby literally any second now (I keep waiting for the phone call!), and I went to their wedding last October (he relocated to NY around the same time I did back in the late '80s, so I get to see them often). Strangely enough, there was this cute enough guy who was also single at my table, and it was clear he was interested in me. I mean, it was obvious. And all I kept thinking was, "Yeah, you're cute, but no fucking way." I mean, when it was time for me to leave, I went outside the reception hall to wait for a cab to take me to the train. One guess who followed me out there to wait with me till the cab came? It was obvious that I could have had a date for the following weekend right then and there if I wanted it. And he was cute. And sweet. And slightly dorky, which I like in the right kind of guy. But nope - never bothered. And I did do my back and forth and back and forth and think to myself, "That guy was cute and nice - I should have been more responsive. Oh, well."

So just a few months ago, I was out at their house, and they had gotten all the wedding photos back, and we were looking through them. I said, "Hey! Now I can show you guys the guy who kept chatting me up all through the reception", and they were curious as to who he was. Ready for the hilarity? He was a wedding crasher! Neither of them had any idea who he was.

I wanted to blow my sensei, I really did! I just let too much time pass. Heh...
No... even I'm smart enough to know that if you want to sell a bookcase, go to Craigslist. Craigslist is not potential boyfriend-land.
Yeah, I know you're right. The thing is, enough time has passed now that I think it's not going to come off as anything but potential stalking. I think the S.S. Meet Cute sailed sometime about a year ago. It's okay though - there are other guys out there, I'm not worried. Which I realize is part of the problem - I'm not worried enough. I'm actually concerned about how I'm not worried.

Soul Ahn Ice just summed it up perfectly - that's it, totally, completely, on the nose. You are wise, sir.

Also wise, and also very true. First of all, there's a huge difference between sites like eHarmony and Match.com. eHarmony is clearly for people who are looking for love, for a relationship. Match.com is a little broader in that you can specify if you're looking for a serious relationship, or just more casual dating. And I see nothing wrong with that - it's more direct and saves everyone alot of trouble. Hey look, I'm going to be 44 next month, and I'm in one of the most densely populated cities in the world. I don't go to clubs and bars, because I'm not into that scene - I never have been. Given that alot of the guys my age are already married, how am I supposed to meet the single ones? True, some are divorced,which is fine, but it still doesn't remove the problem of - where are they? I love going to museums, for example. Wanna know who I see at musuems? Couples. Single straight guys in their 40s just generally don't go to the places I like to frequent. They'll go with a girlfriend, but not on their own. Dating sites are great - they narrow down who wants what. Don't want kids? Want to not get too serious just yet and see where it goes? Like musuems, movies, flea markets, browsing around bookstores? Are you about 44? Is that what you look like in your photo? Then it sounds like you're the guy for me. And that was a quick and easy way to stumble upon you for $35 a year. It never hurts to have some help weeding out guys who you aren't going to have anything in common with, or who aren't ready to date (another reason why I haven't spiffed up my profile just yet), or who are way too young.
I wish you could bronze this, frame it, and hang it up in my mother's house. Oh, man, if it's breathing and has a penis, she sees no reason why I shouldn't go for it. I finally think I may have quieted her down when, the last time she started in on that, I said, "Gee Mom - for that reasoning, if ANY guy is fine, then maybe I should get back together with Brian (my ex, who's a complete asshole). After all, he's my age. He's a guy. He's still single. Maybe I should have just stayed with him so I can just HAVE some guy, any guy." She pretty much laid off after that. Don't get me wrong, I love my Mom, and I know at age 77, that kind of thinking is generational. She means well, but I had to give her a pretty blunt example to make her taper down some.

And that's totally where I am right now. And I think that's what's so frustrating - is I think I feel like it should matter to me. That I should be ready to date again. And I just don't feel like it, except for these little instances once in a while. And then when they fade away after a couple of days, I kind of feel... I dunno - annoyed? with myself for still not feeling like getting back out there. It's very weird. It's like - I think because I used to be so totally boy crazy, that it's like I don't recognize myself. Which shouldn't be a big deal - I mean, we all change, we all mature to certain degrees. I'm far less of a drama queen than I was 20 years ago, for example. That comes with maturity. So maybe the fact that I'm not obsessed with finding a boyfriend the way I used to be - maybe that's just foreign to me now. Or, maybe because of this last one I dated, I just figured, "Well - that's it. I've hit the brick wall enough, thanks." Now, I don't mean to make that sound "Wah wah wah poor me", even if it does. That's truly not the way i feel, honestly. I really do like the independence, and don't know where I want to go with this new feeling of, "I don't need to be in a relationship." I guess the frustration of it is - I just have no idea where this puts me in the dating world.

Hey, thanks for the advice everyone, seriously. You're some great folks, you know.

Patrick, the thing is, there's a huge difference between a one night stand, or a series of them, and someone whom you're casually dating, yet also having sex with. Doesn't mean he's a boyfriend precisely, but neither is he someone you're screwing once and then saying, "See ya later" to.

Or, what Jonathan just said. What Summer Smile is looking for is what I'm looking for too. I don't know how old she is, but I think my scouting-ground is a bit tougher due to my age.

And during sex. And yes, we high five after orgasm. And if the guy asks me to marry him? He gets a friendly punch in the arm and an "Awww, shut the fuck up, ya geek!" That's how you run a casual relationship.

Mini marshmallows? I'm converting!

Well when it's a more formal date, I go with my designer Jordache jeans.

(By the way - my manager at job #2 and I do an in-tandem imitation of Gilda Radner doing the "Rhonda Weiss" designer jeans commercial from the old days of SNL).

See, this is me now. And when I tell you I used to be the complete 180 degree opposite, say, 10 years ago. "Awww... there's someone for everyone! Your perfect person is out there!" Stuff of that nature. And now after the past couple of relationships, I think - nope, I don't think I am built to be in a long term relationship, or married. Some people just aren't. And that doesn't bother me or bum me out, really - being married has never been on my to-do list, and I've never wanted kids. But it also doesn't mean I never want to date again.

Awww, Timothy "Rhonda Weiss'ed" me! It's like Valentine's Day in this thread, I tell ya.

Do you remember this scene from "Seinfeld",where Elaine's new boyfriend is going to get a vasectomy because neither of them want kids?:

I am absolutely Elaine in that scene - not only do I laugh my ass off every time I see that part because I can relate, but my friends have even turned to me after that part and said, "YOU."

Oh, God, he's got three threads overlapping at once! He must be stopped!