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Cruel Twists of Fate

post #1 of 57
9/13/07 at 4:11pm
Thread Starter 
This past summer, I made plans to spend the next four months going to school in Rennes, France. The classes are to be taught in English and all the pamphlets and websites I read assured me that this section of the country had a heavy english-speaking population. As such, I was fairly lax on learning the language, focusing only the essentials. I arrived at my apartment last week and found that my roommates are a French model and a young women with orange hair (think Kate Winslett in ETERNAL SUNSHINE.) Sure enough, they don't speak a word of English. This past week I've been reduced to a Jane Goodall-like role of just standing in the side of the room while listening to them talk. Sadly, the model leaves tomorrow morning, and is being replaced by a recently married couple.


Yeah, I'm a dumbass for not learning the language, but why does fate just have to be a dick like that?
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post #2 of 57
9/13/07 at 4:20pm
Yet, you don't speak the international language?
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post #3 of 57
9/13/07 at 4:22pm
Esperanto?
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post #4 of 57
9/13/07 at 4:23pm
Pics or it never happened.
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post #5 of 57
9/13/07 at 4:24pm
If it's any consolation, you had no chance of getting laid anyway.
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post #6 of 57
9/13/07 at 4:25pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jacob Singer
Pics or it never happened.
Since it's the internet we're talking here that lingerie pics are an acceptable minimum.
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post #7 of 57
9/13/07 at 4:25pm
Was it a MALE model?
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post #8 of 57
9/13/07 at 4:26pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jacob Singer
Was it a MALE model?
Would he be this disappointed? Wait, Chris, are you gay?
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post #9 of 57
9/13/07 at 4:28pm
I'm pretty sure they make french to english dictionaries, and vice versa...
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post #10 of 57
9/13/07 at 4:29pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jacob Singer
Was it a MALE model?
Is that your preference?
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post #11 of 57
9/13/07 at 4:35pm
Je voudrais beaucoup fixer avec vous nu et la poussée.





You can thank me later.
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post #12 of 57
9/13/07 at 4:41pm
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jacob Singer
Was it a MALE model?
No, but funny story. First night, there was a knock on my door at 4AM. My landlord said that my roommate might be getting in late and to let her in, so I opened the door to see who it was. Instead, when I opened the door, a drunk guy stumbled into the place uninvited. Again, since I can't speak the language, communication proved difficult. I pointed to the door trying to get him to leave, but he refused and proceeded to take off his shirt and pants 10 minutes after coming in. I got him into an empty room and he passed out on a bed, so he wasn't much of a threat. Still, hell of a way to welcome a guy into the country.
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post #13 of 57
9/13/07 at 4:47pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Chris Anthony
proceeded to take off his shirt and pants 10 minutes after coming in.

Who says the French are rude?
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post #14 of 57
9/13/07 at 4:47pm
Just point at your penis and at her vagina and I'm sure the model will get it.
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post #15 of 57
9/13/07 at 4:52pm
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Chris Miller
I'm pretty sure they make French to English dictionaries, and vice versa...
That was my first thought, but it's another thing entirely when I'm trying to pronounce the Frankenstein-like sentence with my slight-southern accent.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Brad Millette
If it's any consolation, you had no chance of getting laid anyway.
True. I'm taking consolation in that speaking only would've made it worse.
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post #16 of 57
9/13/07 at 4:58pm
Are you taking any French classes currently? From what I hear you really need to speak French on some level to get by (or have someone who can speak for you).
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post #17 of 57
9/13/07 at 5:00pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Raspberry Leper
Je voudrais beaucoup fixer avec vous nu et la poussée..
Dude. It doesn't make any sense. What the hell?
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post #18 of 57
9/13/07 at 5:04pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Brad Millette
If it's any consolation, you had no chance of getting laid anyway.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Chris Anthony
I pointed to the door trying to get him to leave, but he refused and proceeded to take off his shirt and pants 10 minutes after coming in.
I beg to differ.
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post #19 of 57
9/13/07 at 5:05pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Martin Savage
Dude. It doesn't make any sense. What the hell?
Nu = naked
poussee = thrust

The rest is irrelevant.
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post #20 of 57
9/13/07 at 5:05pm
And Chris, even in France, the work fuck can get you further than you think. In every single way.
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post #21 of 57
9/13/07 at 5:08pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Raspberry Leper
Nu = naked
poussee = thrust

The rest is irrelevant.
Sorry man, but your sentence has no subject whatsoever. Montreal has a lot of Anglophones trying to speak French, so I heard it all. You'll have to mime your way through with that one.
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post #22 of 57
9/13/07 at 5:12pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Martin Savage
Sorry man, but your sentence has no subject whatsoever. Montreal has a lot of Anglophones trying to speak French, so I heard it all. You'll have to mime your way through with that one.


Are you calling babel fish a liar?
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post #23 of 57
9/13/07 at 5:13pm
Some French friends of mine told me that if a girl blows cigarette smoke at you, it means she wants to fuck. I believe they said it is kind of old fashioned though, so watch out for Grandma smoker.
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post #24 of 57
9/13/07 at 7:36pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Chris Anthony
No, but funny story. First night, there was a knock on my door at 4AM. My landlord said that my roommate might be getting in late and to let her in, so I opened the door to see who it was. Instead, when I opened the door, a drunk guy stumbled into the place uninvited. Again, since I can't speak the language, communication proved difficult. I pointed to the door trying to get him to leave, but he refused and proceeded to take off his shirt and pants 10 minutes after coming in. I got him into an empty room and he passed out on a bed, so he wasn't much of a threat. Still, hell of a way to welcome a guy into the country.
Why didn't you toss him out on his ass? Physical violence is a universal language.
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post #25 of 57
9/14/07 at 4:42pm
This might give you some insight into French culture.
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post #26 of 57
9/14/07 at 6:08pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jack "Sue" Dnim
Why didn't you toss him out on his ass? Physical violence is a universal language.
You're clearly oblivious to the many advantages of having strange, nude men in your apartment.
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post #27 of 57
9/14/07 at 10:41pm
Can't you like draw stick figures on a piece of paper, or something?
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post #28 of 57
9/15/07 at 5:17am
Thread Starter 
I have. It pretty much goes like this (albeit with a lot less cocksucking)
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post #29 of 57
9/15/07 at 5:55am
Chris, I'm sorry to say but I don't think you're ever going to make it out of France alive.
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post #30 of 57
9/15/07 at 7:25am
You know, for all you know they were both ultra-militant lesbian feminists who were plotting to castrate you while you slept and turn you into their laundry eunuch.

Imagine having that planned right in front of you.

Lesson? Learn the language, people. It can save more than lives.
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post #31 of 57
9/15/07 at 8:04am
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cow Puncher
You know, for all you know they were both ultra-militant lesbian feminists who were plotting to castrate you while you slept and turn you into their laundry eunuch.
Que ominous organ music.

On the other hand did you happen to overhear the words ménage à trois mentioned?
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post #32 of 57
9/15/07 at 11:40am
Kate Winslet girl is still around though? Hop on that before some Frodo-looking dude cuts in on your action. And learn the damn language already. When in doubt, just use French lines you learned from pop culture. It may be cliche, but that line from "Lady Marmalade" will work wonders for you. Just walk up to her and say "Itchy kitchy ya ya ta ta." Her French knickers will hit the floor.
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post #33 of 57
9/16/07 at 5:05am
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by jonvoight's car
Kate Winslet girl is still around though? Hop on that before some Frodo-looking dude cuts in on your action. And learn the damn language already.
The Kate Winslet girl is still living here, but she goes home on the weekends and spends most of the day at school already. She's cute, but I'm not sure she's worth learning a language for. A French couple replaced the other two girls that moved out and they speak English pretty well, so I'm at least able to communicate with them. As for learning the language, I'm spending about 3 hours a day pouring over text books and podcasts and websites in an effort to learn the language toute suite.
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post #34 of 57
9/16/07 at 5:22am
I'm not an expert on French women (sadly), but I'm willing to bet just trying to speak French would vastly improve your chances of making it through the Arc de Triomphe, so to speak.
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post #35 of 57
9/16/07 at 5:29am
Thread Starter 
Yes and no. If you speak it decently, but still stumble every now and then, it's cute and they are willing to help you (as was the case when I tried to find the correct bus stop last night.) If you can't speak it well at all, however, you sound like the town retard and end up frightening small kids at the grocery store (as was the case when I tried to find some milk last week.)
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post #36 of 57
9/16/07 at 5:37am
I can't really see a downside to frightening small kids.
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post #37 of 57
9/16/07 at 5:41am
Quote:
Originally Posted by Chris Anthony
If you can't speak it well at all, however, you sound like the town retard and end up frightening small kids at the grocery store (as was the case when I tried to find some milk last week.)
Furiously clamping your nipples while howling "MOO!" at the top of your voice tends to elicit that kind of reaction.

Unless you're in Belgium, right Luca?
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post #38 of 57
9/16/07 at 2:29pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Samurai Mike
I can't really see a downside to frightening small kids.
Unless he swings a more, um, unorthodox way.
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post #39 of 57
9/27/07 at 9:55pm
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by englebert
This might give you some insight into French culture.
At first I thought that might have been a one off, but a lot of the French are dumber than a sack full of wet mice. Getting them to work in a group is akin to pulling teeth from a cat while submerging it in water.


Side note: Russian women like it when you scratch the back of their head and purr in their ear. I mean they REALLY like it.
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post #40 of 57
9/27/07 at 10:01pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Chris Anthony
Side note: Russian women like it when you scratch the back of their head and purr in their ear. I mean they REALLY like it.
You're taking the quest for pussy too literally.

Easy mistake.
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post #41 of 57
9/27/07 at 10:16pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Chris Anthony
Yes and no. If you speak it decently, but still stumble every now and then, it's cute and they are willing to help you (as was the case when I tried to find the correct bus stop last night.) If you can't speak it well at all, however, you sound like the town retard and end up frightening small kids at the grocery store (as was the case when I tried to find some milk last week.)
Forget about trying to speak french. I'm more flabbergasted that you couldn't find milk in a french grocery store without asking for help.
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post #42 of 57
9/27/07 at 10:30pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mad Man Mundt
Forget about trying to speak french. I'm more flabbergasted that you couldn't find milk in a french grocery store without asking for help.
When I first got to Sweden I bought a carton of cream when I was trying to buy milk. I think they had sour cream in carton form as well.
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post #43 of 57
9/28/07 at 3:08am
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mad Man Mundt
Forget about trying to speak french. I'm more flabbergasted that you couldn't find milk in a french grocery store without asking for help.
They don't refrigerate a lot of their milk.
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post #44 of 57
9/28/07 at 3:22am
Quote:
Originally Posted by Chris Anthony
They don't refrigerate a lot of their milk.
Do they put it in coolers, then?

...or ice it?

Or do they just point to a cow and say, "2% or regular?"
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post #45 of 57
9/28/07 at 3:41am
It's pasteurized so it doesn't go bad as quickly.
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post #46 of 57
9/28/07 at 6:01am
Thread Starter 
I'm sorry to be xenophobic, but there's just some customs that I'm not ready to accept.
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post #47 of 57
9/28/07 at 7:59am
If you're spending time in a foreign country, you might want to take a few moments and learn a word like milk.

A few others you might want to consider: condom, free clinic, toilet paper. That about covers it.
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post #48 of 57
9/28/07 at 10:25am
Quote:
Originally Posted by Chris Anthony
At first I thought that might have been a one off, but a lot of the French are dumber than a sack full of wet mice. Getting them to work in a group is akin to pulling teeth from a cat while submerging it in water.
Didja ever think that it might not be the French who are dumb, but the ugly American who couldn't be bothered to learn the native language of a place where he was going to be living for four months?
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post #49 of 57
9/28/07 at 11:21am
Zooey, I think you're missing the joke for the punchline.

And don't fear the cardboard milk, Chris. It's fine.
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post #50 of 57
9/28/07 at 11:24am
I'm afraid I don't follow, Frank.

And, yes, Chris. Don't fear the Parmalat. It's great.
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