I think I need to be airlifted

If only you had a house sized keyboard you could start inane threads like this by jumping from key to key.

Does being a fatty reduce one's intelligence level?

So why are you on the internet? Go for a walk.

Getting chained to a couch is certainly not going to help you get motivated to lose weight. If anything you'll be perpetuating the cycle of fatness. You seem like an internet savvy person..sooooo do some research. A few seconds in the search engine and I found some 'get your ass off the couch' website... www.findyourdetour.com. whatever. I'm sure there are a bunch a sites out there. Just don't sit around complaining about it.

That's step 2.

Step 1 is put down the 5 pound bag of Cheetos.

Then get off the internet and go for a walk.

Stand up. Place one foot in front of the other. Repeat for several miles a day.

It won't solve all your problems, but it's a start.

eta: damn refresh button!

Wrong. He/she doesn't need to do more research on the internet. MissZooey is quite right - get off the couch and start walking. Given the choice of being airlifted or walking around, I'd say your own two feet are going to be your healthier mode of getting out of the house.

And this doesn't belong in the Misc. Culture section.

A five pound bag of Cheetos? Where can I get one of those?

Crunchy, non of that puffed shit.

Step 3 - Throw away the 5 lb bag of Cheetos.

Step 3.5 - Throw away anything in your pantry with unpronounceable ingredients.

Step 4 - Buy cookbooks.

Step 5 - Start doing meth

Step 0 - sign a lucrative deal with Subway

That's your solution for everything, isn't MissZooey?

Step 6 - Get Perkisized

Eat lean meats, fish, eggs, green vegetables, nuts, mushrooms, whole grains(like oat meal, but only in the mornings) , and fruits high in fatty omega 3s( like olives and avocados). Stay away from root vegetables( like carrots and potatoes), cheeses, any and all processed foods, breads, noodles, white rice, and sweets. Only eat very little sweet fruits(like apples and citric) drink only water, and no other kinds of drinks.

Exercise, start with walking, and swim if you can.

Step 7 - Get parasitic worms

No, not everything. Just things having to do with, you know, food.

It's revolutionary idea, I know. Would you like to subscribe to my newsletter?

Remember those hot chicks in high school? Do what they did, puke.

J/K folks.

Step Se7en - Hire John Doe as your personal trainer

Step 8 - Drink 1 glass of Ipecac after every meal.

Dude, baby steps. Just try walking around the block once a day. You can work your way up from there at your own pace.

It's a marathon, not a sprint.

Do crack and speedballs. That's how celebs keep slim and trim.

No, no, no... step seven is worms. Yours can be step 8.

Step 9 - Ignore eenin. Those Atkins and South Beach can suck it. Lean protein, veggies, grains, yes, yes, but bread, root vegetables, whole grain pastas, cheese (in moderation), wine, and tea are all very, very good for a person.

Step 10: When all this proves too hard, you inevitably fail, and you call the paramedics to surgically remove you from your apartment, be sure to request a Mr. Andre Dellamorte. He's the best in the business.

Step 11: Read this fucking thread you fatty and stop whining. Complaining about it won't get shit done. Get your ass off the couch, bed, floor whatever and enter a gym and sign up.

"But gyms are to expensive!"

"So is the heart surgery you'll need in a few years. And the diabetes medication. And the chiropractor bills for fucking your back up 'cause your fat. And don't think your insurance company will help you out 'cause they won't."

Cut sugar from your diet, drink more water and eat properly. Get more sleep too. And don't give up. I work at a gym. I see too many fatties sign up wanting to lose weight only to give up after not even a month because they weren't loosing any weight. Guess what? It takes time to lose weight. You won't lose 25 pounds after one 15 minute cardio session. You need to change your diet, exercise three to four days a week doing intense cardio and some weight lifting, and change your whole lifestyle.

Do all this and the pounds will come off. I knew a girl from grade school who was a overweight. You should see her now. She's 22 and competed in her first fitness competition last year. She's toned like crazy. She said enough was enough and worked hard and lost the weight and looks God damned incredible.

You'll only lose the weight and look better if you believe you can do it and if you want it to happen.

Why do you think I'm running a 26 mile marathon in December? I wanted to transform my body. Committing to this marathon was the only way I could work towards this. I set a goal and I'm feeling and looking great now. My body is the best it's been since forever.

I prefer pamphlets. Call me old fashioned. Though I could always go for a new town crier.

(BTW, I think my posts seem to be reading snarkier then I intend recently. So for the next little while can everyone assume that I'm not actually being a dick. Thanks.)

Look, justdecent, I know a cry for help when I hear one.

There are two ways to engineer a dramatic life change like the one you're looking for. One is the "cold turkey" approach, changing your diet, exercise habits, and lifestyle all at once. It works for some but, in my experience, it often doesn't work for long. The second is the "gradual" approach, which I advocate. By starting out with a small, achievable goal, like walking around the block every day for a week, you'll begin the process of building new habit patterns. Soon, you'll be walking two blocks. A few weeks or months down the line, you'll break into a trot. You'll start feeling better about yourself, and you'll start thinking things like, "Y'know, restaurant portions are enormous. I think I'll cut down my dining out to twice a week and do more home cooking. You can go all gucchi with one of those Moosewood cookbooks like they use in Wisconsin, or you can buy an old standby like the Better Homes and Gardens plaid wonder.

What you're doing here is gently training yourself to make better choices. By taking it gradually, you're more likely to avoid injury, build sustainable weight management strategies, and reduce your probability of relapse. Granted, this strategy won't deliver fast, dramatic weight reduction. But it will build sustainable weight reduction and, eventually, management. It took you a lifetime to get the way you are now. It'll take you a few years to get where you want to be.

But think of it this way. If you don't do it, in a couple of years you'll still be older, but you'll probably be fatter, too. You can take control of your body. Start now, start slow, and maintain. Before you know it, you'll be a new man.

edited for a typo

BTW, in case you are actually serious about losing weight, I suggest the simple plan of eating less and exercising more. At my highest weight I was 250lbs (for a guy who is 5'7", not so good). I lost 60 pounds in 8 months simply by cutting down my caloric and fat intake plus adding a half hour of cardio every day (say what you want about armoured combat being geeky but it's plenty good for a cardio work out).

After consulting with a doctor it turns out I need to lose about ten more pounds (about 180 lbs) to be in a comfortable range for weight (according to a series of tests I should ignore the BMI because of my bone density).

Go to it, man. You'll never regret it.

Join a gym.

Buy a bike. Whenever you need to go to the supermarket, use the bike instead of the car. Worked for me (I hate running).

Quote for truth.

Get one of those books that tell you the caloric contents of all foods. I picked one of those up when I started and was shocked to find out how many calories I was stuffing into my fat face.

Here's an easy one...if you drink sugared drinks, stop. I drink only Diet Coke, iced tea or water and lost 20+ only from that.

Or, wear this shirt and hope.

So what level are your Warcraft characters?

Bah? They work, don't they (well, Atkins at least).

Fish, beef, pork, any kind of salad, all the veggies you want, melon and berries and other fruit in moderation, eggs, and lots of water. Diet soda and low-carb ice cream for those with a sweet tooth. Throw in the tiniest bit of exercise -- say, running around playing your favorite sport for a half hour 2 or 3 times a week -- and you're golden.

There are a lot of ways to lose weight, and healthy eating and exercise 4-5 times a week is nice and all... but the idea for a lot of people is to do something easily, and it's not easy for a fat guy to start working out and eating 'healthy' or eating less, for a variety of reasons. Few weight-loss plans are as easy as going on Atkins and then working out your legs a little bit at a time, few days a week. Burns calories of course, but more importantly it ups your metabolism which makes Atkins work even better. Then you can worry about sliding, as gradually as you wish, into a healthier diet and getting on a decent exercise program.

Just get a much fatter roommate. Then you won't feel so bad.

(Serious answer: I've lost substantial weight a couple times in my life. It's just a matter of want-to. It might help to join a gym at first. Talk with a trainer. Organizing your routine and learning how to eat and exercise correctly early on can pay off in spades later. Most gyms give you a few free training sessions when you join. No need to keep paying for it when you're on your way, unless you enjoy it of course. If going to a gym intimidates you that's fair enough, but you need to start walking a couple miles a day.)

"I’m not fat, I just haven’t grown into my body yet you skinny bitch"

(You're killing me, Martin...plus you owe me a new keyboard. This one has milk all over it.)

Atkins is actually the diet that will get you the most weight loss, as well as reduce your cholesterol and blood pressure the most.

Also, what type of activity you should do is going to depend on your starting point. If you're truly so heavy that you're likely to be a candidate for airlifting, then swimming is a great place to start because it's easy on the joints. If you are still under 300 or so pounds, then walking and recumbent biking are great to get aerobic work without too much impact on your joints. Weight lifting/strength workouts are really good for muscle building, which helps you burn calories faster.

And one of the most important, and hardest to do, things is eating only when you are genuinely hungry. Not when stressed, bored, or wanting food. Just when actually hungry. And stopping when you're not hungry (long before you're full).

Fucking stop it with the Atkins bullshit. It's fucking bullshit. No good. DO NOT DO IT. It'll all come back, I've seen it. Plus you need carbs, there's no getting around it. There is only one way to do this right:

EAT SENSIBLY (a variety of foods, INCLUDING CARBS BECAUSE YOU NEED THEM DAMMIT). Everything in moderation. You have to establish a diet that you can sustain for a very long time. Start good habits now. DO NOT go for a quick fix and then try and change later. CHANGE NOW, and keep the new good habits you've started. Lean meats, veggies, brown rice, etc. Eat breakfast. Every morning.

EXCERCISE (in any way you can add physical activity, like others have said, walk, run, swim, lift, fuck, etc.).

You have to do both, not just change your diet or just start exercising. You need to do these things in tandem.


Motherfucking Atkins.

I don't know if there is a "one way" to do it, or whatever. But I know for a fact that Atkins shit, while capable of cutting pounds, makes me fucking cranky as shit. I don't know why, but it does. I was on it for several months and I was a miserable prick. I'm probably the only person who's had it effect them like this but it did. The wife threatened to strangle me in my sleep if I didn't change my diet.

Neal is right. You need a balanced diet, not some fad like Atkins. Atkins may work for some, but it doesn't work for everyone. I tried it about five years ago, and although I lost a few pounds, I got really sick, and had some really scary shortness of breath, racing heart and the shakes while I was on it. I went back to eating normally, and gained it all back in less than a couple of weeks - which is what will happen with Atkins, or any fad diet, when you go off of it. I finally lost the same weight by just cutting back on sensible, balanced portions and exercising. Fad diets never really work because you can't sustain eating like that forever, and it's not healthy to deprive your body of certain types of nutrition. Fad diets are a quick fix, which just doesn't do it.

It can't just 'come back', it's not some magic trick in a Twilight Zone episode. There is a process your body goes through. Everyone that it 'comes back' for has failed the last steps in the Atkins process.

-Modify your diet
-Get on a consistent exercise plan

They settle back into their old habits and comfort foods and they put weight back on. What a shocker.

You want to eat healthy and exercise and feel better and lose weight gradually, yeah then start slow and walk around the block and stop drinking Coke and all that... You want to lose weight before Thanksgiving? Go on Atkins. There's no reason you can't do the gradual stuff during the Atkins diet while you are losing the weight you want to be rid of. Then you can focus on calories and sugar and exercising regularly.

Atkins is a fad because of how it's treated, not because of what it is.

Actually, it does just come back - again, that's what fad diets, including Atkins, do. That's why a diet needs to be balanced. Trust me on this one, I've tried every fad diet there is. They.Don't.Work.

I lost 60 pounds back in college. The easiest first step? Throw out your soft drinks. You don't need them, and they're bad for you in SO many ways (including dehydration, which slows metabolism). There's a lot of good advice in there, and you'd do well to take it.

My method for losing the weight was simple: I gave each day a goal. For instance "If I eat 2200 calories today, that will be a success" or "If I go out to dinner and don't touch the bread before my meal comes, that's enough for today". Little steps like that will keep you going. You'll definitely fail sometimes, but the person you can become through perseverance is worth it. It creates so much pride to accomplish something like that.

See the thing with the Atkins diet is is that for the certain types of people with the body chemestry for whom it is most effective, they are not supposed to go off of it. They are meant to eat that way for the rest of their natural lives. This notion that the Atkins diet is strictly no carbs is false as well. The no carb portion is for when you are initially starting the diet (and it isn't actually no carbs, you get carbs from green vegetables and fruits low on the glycemic index). After 2 weeks to a month you gradually add carbs back to your diet making better choices as to where your carbs come from such as whole grains and fruits and vegetables and not bleached flour and white sugar. I personally don't do it but I have friends who are on it for life and it has worked wonders. I would guess it didn't work so well for you as you aren't one of those who it is best suited for. Just my two cents.

That's true if you're maintaining a healthy diet.

If you're trying to go from inactive and grossly obese to something resembling normal, it's not. Many if not most morbidly obese people eat an incredibly inappropriate amount of carbs. Phasing that out and getting all the way to Atkins is a good way to lose weight and get used to eating a more balanced diet. It does not have bad side effects for most people, and statistically gets people better weight loss, cholesterol, etc values than less extreme nutritional choices. Then you can reintroduce some healthy carbs (whole grains, complex carbs) and come to a better place once you're movign toward/at a healthy weight.

Also, my statements about Atkins in my prior post are based on recently published prospective clinical trials, not personal experience.

ETA: Mad Man Mundt is correct. For diabetic types (diabetic, insulin resistant, and similar issues), a much stricter control on carb intake is important for their overall health and well-being. I don't know your medical history, Lisa, but judging from the photos in the Chewervision thread, you're not someone who needs to lose much weight, so the entire issue may not apply to you at all, with your skinny genetic predisposition.

You can't go from eating ribs and eggs doing x amount of exercise to eating burritos and sandwiches and still doing x amount of exercise. Of course weight will come back. People gain weight after getting their stomach stapled, that doesn't prove anything. Behavior is the x factor, people gain weight after 'coming off' Atkins because they don't hold up their end of the deal. Now, obviously there are certain types that don't deal with this kind of thing well, and I can understand feeling sick or feeling light-headed... feeling cranky? What the hell is that about? At any rate, it's not for everyone, but I used it to gradually slide into a healthier lifestyle. And I kept up the work you need to do to be truly healthy.

I was 6 feet and at 250 lbs, that's why I started. Then, 40 pounds gone after 2 1/2 months on a relaxed form of Atkins, all the while doing, quite frankly, little exercise. Then over the next several months I got the exercise and diet together, and I haven't been north of 200 lbs since.

If your point is that it's harder to be off Atkins than on it, well I'd have to agree.

Well, you don't have to be a dick about it. I followed the diet to the letter and it made me a cranky asshole. But by all means feel free to act like I'm retarded for stating so.

This is it: 6 meals a day, 400 calories each. You wanna do Atkins, South Beach, The Dr. Phil Diet, The Biggest Loser...whatever...6 TINY meals a day, 400 calories each. Start there, and shine on you crazy diamond.