Mens' Room Culture

I agree, though I'm not sure how often I've seen this. Thankfully I haven't had to walk into the restroom very much.

That cell phone thing isn't limited to business men. Funnily enough, at my old job as a movie theater usher, my boss talked about how he went in to take a dump (and he was a guy with few hang ups-he would regularly tell us about women he dated, nights out drinking, and going to strip clubs) and one of my coworkers was in the stall next to him talking on his cell phone.

I can't stand it when people take in cups of starbucks or sodas while running through the bathroom at the mall or wherever. I don't know where you should put it, but that's just fucking disgusting.

So which do you have a problem with: people who are noisy shitters or people who try to keep the noise to a minimum when other people are around? I try to at least limit the noise by flushing...

Poor Splatters.

If I were to shit in a public bathroom (which I avoid at all costs for thousands of reasons) I would be a Chameleon.

Some people like myself are just too damned private about their bodily functions to allow strangers the luxury of hearing the frequency, speed, and multitude of defecation functions, not to mention gas and splashes. MY business, not yours.

The thing I don't understand?

The guy next to you at a urinal either A) Not using his hands to aim, rather having his hands on his hips or - God forbid - on the wall ahead B) breathing and almost moaning loudly (there's NO REASON to make ANY sound while urinating you fucking disgusting assholes) or C) manically shaking the piss off the penis at the end CRAZY-LIKE. All it takes is a light shake/nudge or two...not crazy dribble-shaking.

I hate public bathrooms.
Hate them.

Hehehe. I've never seen a guy shake his member wildly before leaving.

Have you seen a guy shake his member wildly before cumming?

I have never shat in a public restroom. It's a goal I will follow for the rest of my life.

What do you guys do at work? Do you drive home every time you have to piss?

I'm definitely a Chameleon Shitter. Why? Because I get mildly grossed out by the sounds of others taking a trumpety dump, so whenever I have to throw a deuce in public, I don't want to potentially disgust others either. It's just goddamned simple politeness, the same way I cover my mouth when I cough or refrain from belching in the company of strangers.

What freaks me out are guys who read the newspaper in public restrooms. I mean...standing there by the sink, neither shitting nor pissing...just killing time reading the latest ink.

But more than anything, I can't stand those completely useless and thoroughly maddening toilet attendants who sit there with paper towels, mints and a tip jar all day. I hate them...I do hate them.

Sometimes I'm a chameleon. When I'm about to take a "trumpety dump" (thanks Litmus), I'll clam up if someone else is in the room. If it's a normal quiet one I won't care. I don't know why, I guess I don't want to come out of the bathroom with some dude from the office looking at me thinking, "Yup, just heard him blast his intestines out.".

I have one men's room on my office floor, shared by several tenants of the office building. It's tiny. If someone is standing at the sink, you can't get past him to the urinals. I walked in recently to find a chubby guy at the sink, his shirt tail untucked from his pants and tucked under his chin, injecting himself in the belly with insulin, the sink littered with his medicinal gear. Awful.

Thankfully my work has a single room bathroom with a lovely deadbolt for extra security, plus bathroom spray. I am lucky, sorry Phil.

All I can say is that as horrifying as we might consider a public men's room, a public women's room is infinately more disgusting. While I am at it, never try on clothes in a department store fitting room. Just buy it and try it on in the comfort and cleanliness of your own home- return it if you made a mistake on the size. Trust me.

All right, gentlemen, I'm getting in on this till Timothy arrives (which, I'm guessing as soon as he sees this thread, he's in - I'm sure he has more bathroom horror stories than what he's already shared with us):

The female cycle is where we have one extra gross thing to complain about than all of you do. How a woman can leave a bloody floating tampon behind without the courtesy of an extra flush to make sure it goes down is beyond me. Seriously - that's the one thing that every woman should be conscious of during the "changing of the guard".

A friend of mine was in the ladies' room at her office, sitting on the throne, when she heard another woman come in and enter a nearby stall. Now, one thing that I'll let you in on is that women in public restrooms always know when another woman has her period - the crinkling of tampon or pad wrappers, the "CLUNK" of the lid to that "feminine hygiene" trash receptical that's bolted to the wall inside the stall, etc. So she's in there, and she's hearing all the aforementioned tell-tale sounds. Yup, that's another woman on the rag. So after the "crinkle" and the "clunk" sounds, she hears the flush, the stall door opening... and then the sound of the woman leaving the restroom. No sound of water being turned on, or of soap being pumped. This nasty bitch changed her tampon and then never washed her hands.

My office ladies' room? Lovely. Apparently, a couple of weeks ago, someone had a heavy period in the first stall, and splattered blood on the inside of the door. Didn't bother to clean it up either. They left that lovely job for the cleaning woman.

So if you guys thought you had the market cornered on piss and shit grossness, we have one up on you, and women can be just as disgusting.

My biggest pet peeve is when nobody replaces the last bottle of soap. At my last job, I would always have to make sure there was at least one bottle of soap by the sink before I did my business. The scary thing is, more than half of the time I came in finding no soap. What the hell was everyone else using during the day? Disgusting.

That might be the worst thing I've ever read. Oh. My. Lord.

I am one of those chameleon poopers. I hate listening to those dudes that sound like a scene out of The Thing so I try to refrain and keep mine mum.

The dudes who converse with each other through the stalls or at the piss troughs need to be shot.

I understand it when little kids are brought in, but keep them out of my stall when I'm pinching a loaf. NO kid needs to see me on thunder mug.

Also you couples who shit in front of each other make me sick.

This thread is a Farrelly brothers movie just waiting to happen.

When I was a teen I worked at one of the stores on the mall and security was constantly chasing out lesbians who felt the urge to fuck in the dressing rooms and people shitting in the ashtrays, the ones that resembled big tubes of sand. Fucking savages.

Looks like the ladies are way grosser.

Last weekend:

I'm in a public restroom, in the first stall. Some guy comes in and starts using one of the urinals right on the other side of the stall wall. Then he starts making shitting/farting nosies with his mouth and saying "Oh yeah, take a shit. Pbbbrrtt... Yeah, take a shit... Bbbbbrrrrrttt! Take a shit..."

What. the. fuck.

How do you respond to that?

I became chameleon pooper until he left the restroom.

I didn't realize there were so many chameleon deucers out there. I think it's great. I guess I am even a quasi chameleon shitter myself but only because I normally don't make much sound anyway. I am a chameleon wiper though. As many of you know I am a standing wiper, add to that that I am about 6'4" and that brings me to above the level of most stall dividers during the wiping process. Doesn't get a whole lot weirder than seeing people milling around the bathroom and them seeing you with just your head poking over the divider while wiping your ass like some kind of dirty assed ostrich. So I chameleon wipe by going into an unecessary extra crouch to keep my head below divider level.

I am pro chameleon wipers and very anti Splatters style shitters. I try to never shit in public restrooms but when I have to it seems like a Splatters guy is always in effect. Which results in me having a reaction in the stall as though my dog just died. I'll tell you what is a really dangerous bathroom creature, the fake chameleon wiper who transitions into a Splatters. You go in there thinking you might be the only one, an ideal situation. Or maybe you see one guys legs 4 stalls down who's quiet, should be a non factor. Then somehow, there is a guy right next door, maybe two down. How he got there I don't know, maybe he held his legs up when I walked in just to trick me. And after not making a sound he goes into a full blown Splatters routine, heavy breathing, moaning, ripping loud farts, water plopping noises, smells start occuring, nose blowing, loud toilet seat clanking. All out of nowhere, he chamleoned into a Splatters.

My giant pet peeve are the guys that go into the stall just to urinate . . . and then play "shoot the hoop" with the toilet seat down. They inevitably have terrible aim and leave the seat soaked with urine. Fuck all those guys right through the urethra.

No, THAT is the worst thing I've ever read. GOOD LORD!

I have to admit I do that sometimes, and in the handicap stall. Sit on my piss cripples! My aim is money though.

The big movie theater about twenty minutes from me has the most urine soaked toilet seats I have ever encountered. It brings up an interesting conundrum, because I don't want to be another guy pissing on the seats (using the stall to pee because there's always a line, and sometimes you end up in a stall), but I am NOT touching the seat to lift it, not even with my shoe. I still have the decency to aim for the bowl however.

By the way, I think CHUD has more threads about shitting and food than any other Movie Website Message Board on the web. I have a great bathroom stall story in one of these threads that involves a foreign exchange student exploding next to me, but I can't remember which thread about shitting I placed it in. Suffice it to say, all my friends refer to it as the "Shitty Balls Story" and request it to be told at parties like it's a Springsteen song. It was also the straw that broke the camels back to make me move out of the dorm.

You ever have to piss really badly and you accidentally spray your name on the wall before you get things under control? Me neither.

Come to think of it, Erik, who started this thread, can probably back me up, as we live in the same area. Erik, have you ever seen more piss on toilet seats than in the bathroom of Loews in White Marsh?

My pet peeve are the people who store up several days worth of material, only to download it in a public restroom.

I was in one of the men's rooms at O'Hare in Chicago a couple of years ago. A guy came in who looked like Mr. Creosote from "The Meaning of Life," or maybe Paul Bearer from WWE. I was changing planes after an international flight, and I was trying to wash up and brush my teeth. Anyway, this guy shouldered past everybody and hit one of the last stalls. I swear to God that I could the metal dividers screaming as he jammed his body into the human-sized space. He apparently dropped trou and let loose with a sound that even Wagner couldn't have imagined when he was thinking about Gotterdammerung. It was like a volcano erupting while someone tore a WWII surplus canvas tent to shreds. And it went on and on and on. Everyone else in the restroom, at sinks and urinals, turned their heads to look in the direction of the catastrophe. I broke and ran. I threw my stuff into my briefcase, grabbed my suitcase and took off. Sound travels faster than smell, and I had no intention of being their when the second wave hit. My guess is that airport authorities just bricked the door shut, leaving the bodies of the dead where they fell.

So Mr. Creosote--if you're reading this--go easy on the bran when you're traveling and try to make a bathroom call just before you leave the house.

I once absent-mindedly gave a friendly smile to, while passing in the men's room, a guy who looked like Kevin Nash in the Punisher. That is, humongous cartoon Russian sailor.

That's all I got, but I like the story just the same because it doesn't end with me murdered.

I can tell from personal experience that women's bathrooms are infinitely more disgusting than the men's. You guys have no idea how many times women will stop up a toilet with their bloody tampons.

I'm lucky in that I can go wherever I am. I have no qualms about plopping my ass on a public bathroom toilet.

I'm kind of a chameleon. I guess I'm too sensitive about the noise and most public bathrooms have acoustics that rival the greatest concert halls of Europe. Like Syd, I flush to cover the noise from the initial assault. If there are a lot of people in the bathroom, I try to time it with other people's flushes. I'm like Andy Dufresne banging the rock on the sewer pipe during thunderclaps.

On a side note, it's fun to fake out a fellow chameleon by pretending to walk out the door and then commenting loudly on the eventual explosion.

ETA: Wow. That was my 3000th post? I'm so proud.

This thread is sickening, yet perversely hilarious.

Lisa, what the hell kind of women do you work with? Our ladies' room is always very clean, although I have noticed some of the women in my building either run their hands under the tap for two seconds without soap, or don't bother to wash their hands at all. Totally disgusting. It's the primary reason why I won't touch the coffee pot at work.

There was this guy who was very interested in going out with me, but since I had been going out with another guy, he wasn't sure if he should ask me for my phone #. He was a Captain in the Army, gorgeous, smart, educated, and a body builder. When I found out from a friend of mine, I GAVE him my # at the next opportunity. So, that night he called me, and we were having a great conversation, and suddenly I noticed that the acoustics from his end of the phone seemed to change. I then realized that he had walked into the bathroom and started peeing. Unfortunately, that was a deal-breaker. I refused to go out with him. Let this be a lesson, gentlemen.

And I thought a guy calling me while taking a bath was weird. Pissing during any phone call, but especially the first one you have with someone you're interested in? Wow.

And urine, and washed body parts, are not actually dirty. So while I do suggest washing your hands, it's not that scientifically gross not to do so after urination. By the way, you need to have the soap in contact with your skin for about 20 seconds for it to work, so you'll note that most people aren't actually killing the germs anyway.

I spend a good 25-30 seconds washing my hands with soap. The thing about the need to wash your hands is, you're touching everything everyone else touched coming out of the stall, like the flush handle and the door handle. You don't know what anyone else was doing in that stall before you (and you don't want to know, really). So, it's more than your own germs that you have to be concerned with, it seems to me.

NEVER wash your hands. At least you know where your dick's been.

In that same vein, I NEVER touch anything in public toilets. I kick open the latches, kick open doors, kick up seats, etc. If I need water for whatever reason, i.e. I'm really thirsty, I'll kick the tap.

I like to play "I Got The Power" by Snap in my head while I'm doing it.

Hasn't this thread already existed?

Assuming you touch any of those things. And, by the way, the same is true of any doorknob in your office building, the shared copy machine, the coffee pot, the microwave, the fridge, etc.

This one time, I was at the mall, went in to use the restroom, and BAM! Man at urinal with pants around his ankles. The last thing I wanted to see was a big hairy ass. I didn't know if this guy was perhaps mentally challenged or what, didn't really care, just made a direct B-line to the stall. Through the stall I could hear his heavy, nasaly breathing as he seemed to stand out there forever. It was the longest ten minutes of my life.

On another note, what the hell do you do if, after taking a long shit, there's absolutely zero soap left? Do you do what I do and frantically search floor to floor for another bathroom, being careful not to touch anything or anyone?

I couldn't agree more with PMac on the hands free kung fu in the bathroom. Front kick the door, roundhouse kick the toliet seat and axe kick the flush lever. I still wash my hands but using the method of grabbing a paper towel to use as a no touch buffer to turn the water on, I might back knuckle the soap dispenser (when I'm feeling risky) then paper towel dry off into a buffered faucet turn off. Then I exit using a spinning back kick on the door. Or in the event that the door is a pull handle, I use a paper towel buffer and swing the door open wide so I have time to throw the paper towel in the trash and still make it out untouched.

You should've asked the guy pissing with his pants around his ankles if he hada moist towelette you could borrow.

This is the part that always seems to be mysteriously ignored. If a person is so concerned with non-washers that they won't touch anything in the bathroom, what makes them think everything outside the bathroom is safe? If you're going to be paranoid, go the whole nine yards.

Hey, don't blame me - I didn't raise 'em. Raised by wolves possibly, but I'm just reporting. Although I don't blame you for not going out with the guy who was peeing while on the phone with you - definite deal breaker.

Yesterday we had an interesting incident at job #2. It has to do with our employee bathroom, although the person in question didn't actually get in there, thank God.

So, job #2 is a fairly popular bath and body product store. Fairly girly, although we do have male customers from time to time. It's your basic busy Saturday afternoon, and there are about 10 female, maybe two male, customers milling about, trying testers and smelling the good stuff. All of a sudden in comes this guy, dressed in camo pants, a dirty tee shirt, sweating profusely, and lurching along like Frankenstein. I guess the best description of this guy would be Vincent D'Onofrio in "Men in Black". In the very back of our store, we have the door to our back room, which leads right to our employees-only bathroom - and I mean, everyone who's ever been in a small store would know that's gotta be the back room. People who ask us if they can please use our bathroom always look beseechingly at that door before we politely tell them sorry, no, and foist them out onto Wendy's or Whole Foods.

Anyway, this guy comes lurching through the front door, and makes a beeline straight to the back of the store. Every head in the store turned and people just watched this guy in stunned silence as he made his way clearly towards our back room door. One of my co-workers, Kim, scoots up to me and says, "Okay, that's heavy drugs if I ever saw it. Maybe even heroin." All of a sudden, sure enough, dude grabs the handle of our backroom and starts to turn it to go in - he was just marching head long into our backroom! - which was when Kim and I, in unison, both went, "WOAH WOAH, HEY!!! What do you think you're doing, sir?" He jitters around towards us and goes, "I have to go to the bathroom." Kim and I say, "We don't have a bathroom for you to use. You can go across the street to Wendy's or over to Whole Foods - they both have public restrooms." So that's how we dodged that bathroom bullet - we don't even let people acting normally back there. I can only imagine the utter hell we might have found if we hadn't caught him before he got through the door.

While working at Penn station sub shop a few years ago I came into to grab a check and take a piss. Someone from the night before had shit all over the seat. Think of paint that is about 70% dry. Needless to say I didnt tell my boss