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Reverend Falwell's Gimp Dies

post #1 of 37
10/10/07 at 6:03pm
Thread Starter 
One of Reverend Falwell's Pastors dies in a tragic accident:

Dead Reverend's Rubber Fetish

Quote:
Autopsy: Pastor found in wet suits after autoerotic mishap

OCTOBER 8--An Alabama minister who died in June of "accidental mechanical asphyxia" was found hogtied and wearing two complete wet suits, including a face mask, diving gloves and slippers, rubberized underwear, and a head mask, according to an autopsy report. Investigators determined that Rev. Gary Aldridge's death was not caused by foul play and that the 51-year-old pastor of Montgomery's Thorington Road Baptist Church was alone in his home at the time he died (while apparently in the midst of some autoerotic undertaking). While the Montgomery Advertiser, which first obtained the autopsy records, reported on Aldridge's two wet suits, the family newspaper chose not to mention what police discovered inside the minister's rubber briefs. Aldridge served as the church's pastor for 16 years. Immediately following his death, church officials issued a press release asking community members to "please refrain from speculation" about what led to Aldridge's demise, adding that, "we will begin the healing process under the strong arm of our Savior, Jesus Christ."
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post #2 of 37
10/10/07 at 6:08pm
The Page 4, Personal effects entry is almost poetic.
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post #3 of 37
10/10/07 at 6:11pm
What else can i say, Kurt Cobain was right.
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post #4 of 37
10/10/07 at 6:14pm
Quote:
Personal Effects: One yellow metal ring intact on left ring finger, one dildo.
That's funny.
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post #5 of 37
10/10/07 at 6:18pm
Kudos for the thread title.
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post #6 of 37
10/10/07 at 6:20pm
Kudos to the universe for being so awesome.
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post #7 of 37
10/10/07 at 6:21pm
He was just praying...as if you hipster douchebags have never prayed in a full body rubber suit with a dildo up yer butt?
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post #8 of 37
10/10/07 at 6:23pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Antoine Doinel
That's funny.
Even better from page 2:

Quote:
There is a dildo in the anus covered with a condom.
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post #9 of 37
10/10/07 at 6:26pm
Well, Lis, when engaging in an autoerotic undertaking, the general rule is "safety first".
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post #10 of 37
10/10/07 at 6:49pm
Wow. I mean, wow. If he had kids, I feel really bad for them.
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post #11 of 37
10/10/07 at 6:53pm
I wonder if they found him when they heard "Comanche" by The Revels coming from his house.
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post #12 of 37
10/10/07 at 6:56pm
"The prostate gland displays areas of focal hemorrhage on its posterior surface."


Wow?
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post #13 of 37
10/10/07 at 6:58pm
You know, one of the last things anyone ever expects is to die in a wetsuit on dry land. I imagine God didn't get into detail over prayers that morning.
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post #14 of 37
10/10/07 at 6:59pm
"The decendent was received wearing two (2) wet suits, one scuba diving mask, one pair of diving gloves, one pair of slippers, one par of rubber underwear, two (2) ties, five (5) belts, eleven (11) straps, and a partridge in a pear tree."
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post #15 of 37
10/10/07 at 7:02pm
I wonder what his last thoughts were...
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post #16 of 37
10/10/07 at 7:12pm
What no spotter? Also, he should have used Jimmy and Adam's Rest Assured Disposal System.
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post #17 of 37
10/10/07 at 7:23pm
On the bright side, they can eulogize him as having observed a Protestant work ethic until the end. An atheist would probably finish before he got the second wet suit on.
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post #18 of 37
10/10/07 at 7:23pm
Christ what I would've done to party with that guy.
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post #19 of 37
10/10/07 at 7:34pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by billylove
I wonder what his last thoughts were...
"Where's my INXS cd?"
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post #20 of 37
10/10/07 at 7:38pm
Quote:
There is a dildo in the anus covered with a condom.
Talk about safe sex.
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post #21 of 37
10/10/07 at 8:05pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by EdHocken
Talk about safe sex.
He was just making sure no evidence of this crazy ritual would ever be discovered. He wouldn't want the neighbours to know.
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post #22 of 37
10/10/07 at 8:10pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by EdHocken
Talk about safe sex.
He borrowed it from Ted Haggard, and crystal queens aren't known for their dedication to good hygiene.
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post #23 of 37
10/10/07 at 8:47pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by billylove
I wonder what his last thoughts were...
"MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
MMMMMMMMMM!!!
MMM!
mmmm...."
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post #24 of 37
10/10/07 at 8:51pm
Christ, he had enough rubber on his body, you could have bounced him across his driveway like a basketball.
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post #25 of 37
10/10/07 at 9:01pm
Wouldn't a dildo just stuck up your ass be no fun? You'd have to work it or something. That sounds boring. Besides the freakish rubber aspects.
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post #26 of 37
10/10/07 at 9:06pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by jcr39
Wouldn't a dildo just stuck up your ass be no fun? You'd have to work it or something. That sounds boring. Besides the freakish rubber aspects.
Boring? I'm scared shitless to hear what you do to amuse yourself on Tuesday nights.
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post #27 of 37
10/10/07 at 9:53pm
The offering's likely to take a bit of a dip this Sunday.
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post #28 of 37
10/10/07 at 10:36pm
Maybe this was a dark Neo-Con ritual designed to reunite Gary with his master in Heaven. God or no God, he's not getting his wish.
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post #29 of 37
10/11/07 at 9:54am
Quote:
Originally Posted by Alan "Nordling" Cerny
You know, one of the last things anyone ever expects is to die in a wetsuit on dry land. I imagine God didn't get into detail over prayers that morning.
This gives new insight to the old riddle "A scuba diver is found dead in the middle of a forest. How did he get there and how did he die?"
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post #30 of 37
10/11/07 at 10:13am
I smell a rat. I bet MoveOn.org had him assassinated. It's their MO.
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post #31 of 37
10/11/07 at 10:31am
Now I'm no structural engineer, but I would have thought two wet-suits, and a pair of rubber undies would have been enough to keep a dildo out of your butt, I mean what was he supposed to do, buy a shark cage?
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post #32 of 37
10/11/07 at 10:35am
Notice how in the autopsy they write every part of the body as "unremarkable" except the External Genitalia, which is "normal adult male external genitalia."? You think that's so they don't hurt anyone's feelings?
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post #33 of 37
10/11/07 at 11:00am
I would've loved to have attended that funeral -

"Today, we are here to bid farewell (snicker) to the Rev. (heh-heh, harumph)... The Rev. (snicker, heh)... G-Gary (heh-heh-heh) Al-Aldridge... BWA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!!!"
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post #34 of 37
10/11/07 at 5:59pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by billylove
I wonder what his last thoughts were...
"Oh God, I'm dieing. I'm... dead. Well at least I know I'll be saved. I guess I can just wait for the lig... wait... where's the light? Oh for Christ's sake there's no light? God dammit! Don't tell me there's no heaven! For fuck's sake. I wasted 50+ years of my life on bullshit? Come on!"
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post #35 of 37
10/11/07 at 6:12pm
Oh come on, like you all haven't done this exact same thing on a lonely Thursday night.
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post #36 of 37
10/12/07 at 8:04pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Martianman
This gives new insight to the old riddle "A scuba diver is found dead in the middle of a forest. How did he get there and how did he die?"
And why did he have a dildo up his ass?
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post #37 of 37
10/12/07 at 8:19pm
And for the record, where the hell was Joe Kavalier during this fiasco?
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