CHUD.com Community › Forums › THE CHEWERS › The Chewers Catch-All › For those special times...
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:

For those special times...

post #1 of 49
10/25/07 at 8:42am
Thread Starter 
...when your Employer makes you want to shoot yourself in the face.

I just received this memo:

"Please learn the mission statement attached to this memo.

We may be tested on this in the future. The first test will come during our FOCUS employee meeting on October 31, 2007. The meeting will be held from 2:30-4:30pm. Prizes will be given for costumes. Most Original,
most scary and one other. (Sorry I can't remember what it is.)

Any question, please come and ask.

Have a great day and evening."

The mission statement:

"To be the preferred hotel amongst business and leisure travelers as well as the preferred hospitality employer where team members can trust one another to take ownership for creating exceptional loyalty and value for our guests, clients and fellow team members via an Engaging, Warm and F.O.CU.S.E’ed atmosphere and mission."

My conclusion:

"Oi."
Reply
post #2 of 49
10/25/07 at 9:36am
A mission statement that reads like the back of a bootleg DVD. Nice.
Reply
post #3 of 49
10/25/07 at 9:44am
You're going to be tested on this in the future? What, you have to remember that Bob from accounting came as Buttons the Clown?
Reply
post #4 of 49
10/25/07 at 9:44am
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jared Melton

The mission statement:

"To be the preferred hotel amongst business and leisure travelers as well as the preferred hospitality employer where team members can trust one another to take ownership for creating exceptional loyalty and value for our guests, clients and fellow team members via an Engaging, Warm and F.O.CU.S.E’ed atmosphere ."
To have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health.
Reply
post #5 of 49
10/25/07 at 9:55am
Wow, I totally don't find my company's mission statement as annoying anymore.

"To be the best full-service pipeline company in the industry."

And we changed project managers, so we don't get a great Halloween party this year. Last year our PM was a great Hunchback, and the good looking girls on the project let it all hang out. It was a really, really good day.
Reply
post #6 of 49
10/25/07 at 10:05am
I got these all the time at my last job - these things used to run for about a month before upper management would make a change that would absolutely destroy the whole purpose of the mission statement. Apparently the statements are for everybody BUT the guy/gal that set up the statement in the first place.

I run into this problem occasionaly at my job here. We publish a ton of business training and simulation guidebooks. Lots of very valuable, logical, and well-reasoned advice - try getting anyone here to follow any of the advice they're dispensing, however... I'd absolutely kill to have any sort of a plan in place before I begin work on a project from these guys, rather thhan just wing it and endure ENDLESS revisions (especially the last-minute ones).
Reply
post #7 of 49
10/25/07 at 10:36am
"To fuck girls hardest in the face the best in the business."
Reply
post #8 of 49
10/25/07 at 10:40am
Having never worked for a company that has had a mission statement can someone please tell me what purpose they serve? Can you get fired for not following one?
Reply
post #9 of 49
10/25/07 at 10:47am
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ryan S~
Having never worked for a company that has had a mission statement can someone please tell me what purpose they serve? Can you get fired for not following one?

Not really, they're all pretty much vague sentiments that boil down to mean " To do our jobs good for the betterment of the money we want"
Reply
post #10 of 49
10/25/07 at 11:14am
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ryan S~
Having never worked for a company that has had a mission statement can someone please tell me what purpose they serve? Can you get fired for not following one?
We're told repeatedly if we do not know it by heart when ISO auditors come that we will enter a world of shit. No idea if that's true or not, but they use scare tactics to make sure you remember.
Reply
post #11 of 49
10/25/07 at 11:21am
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ryan S~
Having never worked for a company that has had a mission statement can someone please tell me what purpose they serve? Can you get fired for not following one?

I'm giving a speech this afternoon in class detailing a theoretical marketing plan set up for a made-up library. My group had to craft a mission statement, a position statement, an image statement, and a vision statement.

My mission statement is: "To get through this presentation without shooting myself in the face."

My position statement is: "We firmly believe we can get through this facile, vapid exercise without shooting ourselves in the face."

My image statement is: "We are perceived in the community as someone who will not shoot himself in the face."

My vision statement is: "We forsee a future in which we will not regret the student loan debt we are currently incurring, having already shot ourselves in the face."

Don't even ask about action goals.
Reply
post #12 of 49
10/25/07 at 11:37am
Quote:
Originally Posted by bendrix
I'm giving a speech this afternoon in class detailing a theoretical marketing plan set up for a made-up library. My group had to craft a mission statement, a position statement, an image statement, and a vision statement.

My mission statement is: "To get through this presentation without shooting myself in the face."

My position statement is: "We firmly believe we can get through this facile, vapid exercise without shooting ourselves in the face."

My image statement is: "We are perceived in the community as someone who will not shoot himself in the face."

My vision statement is: "We forsee a future in which we will not regret the student loan debt we are currently incurring, having already shot ourselves in the face."

Don't even ask about action goals.
What year are you in at Virginia Tech?
Reply
post #13 of 49
10/25/07 at 11:46am
Thread Starter 
Also, just found out at the monthly accounting department meeting that we're "strongly encouraged" to incorporate the mission statement into our "not-mandatory-yet-also-strongly-encouraged" costumes at the "we-can't-require-you-to-come-but-we-can-sure-make-you-feel-bad-if-you-don't" Halloween Party next week.

...oi.
Reply
post #14 of 49
10/25/07 at 11:53am
Quote:
Originally Posted by bendrix
I'm giving a speech this afternoon in class detailing a theoretical marketing plan set up for a made-up library. My group had to craft a mission statement, a position statement, an image statement, and a vision statement.

My mission statement is: "To get through this presentation without shooting myself in the face."

My position statement is: "We firmly believe we can get through this facile, vapid exercise without shooting ourselves in the face."

My image statement is: "We are perceived in the community as someone who will not shoot himself in the face."

My vision statement is: "We forsee a future in which we will not regret the student loan debt we are currently incurring, having already shot ourselves in the face."

Don't even ask about action goals.
I remember this project! I think I had the same mission statement! Every library you will ever work at will have a mission statement, a collection development plan, and a massive binder full of policies. No one who works there will know how to locate these things, much less have them memorized. Regardless, the mission statement of every library boils down to "We're here to make the people who live around here happy by answering their questions, letting them take the stuff we have, and putting up with their horrifying little children." Unless it's an academic library, then you should replace the last one with "putting up with their procrastination and off-the-charts whining."
Reply
post #15 of 49
10/25/07 at 11:54am
Thread Starter 
By the by, that FOCUS acronym thing stands for:

F - "First Impressions, you never have a second chance to make a first impression."

O - "Occupational Accuracy, strive for flawless execution."

C - "Courtesy That is Memorable, treat our guests as individuals."

U - "Upselling When Appropriate, we understand our product & guest needs."

S - "Speed of Service, fast, sincere & responsive."

...and no, I do not have that memorized.

It's in a little plastic sleeve on a zippy clip attached to my belt every shift.

Yes, I cry at night.
Reply
post #16 of 49
10/25/07 at 12:07pm
The corporate world is full of useless shit like this.
  • Company objectives and goals
  • Mission/ Vision Statement
  • Core Values, etc

It's supposed to make your company stand apart from the crowd. You know, the crowd who has the exact same mission statement.

What company is going to extol the virtues of:

"Providing the worst service and value to our customer while systematically running ourselves out of business"

I remember back in college doing an assignment where we had to write our own mission statement. That's the moment I realized that making it in the business world wasn't so much about knowledge or education as it's about trying to make the BS you spew sound important with flowery speech.
Reply
post #17 of 49
10/25/07 at 12:15pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by BillyG
Wow, I totally don't find my company's mission statement as annoying anymore.

"To lay the best pipe in the industry."
I hope your company accepts my revision.

This is one reason I'm glad to work at a law firm, or at least my law firm. We don't get mission statements or shit like that. Serve the client, make some money, everyone goes home happy.
Reply
post #18 of 49
10/25/07 at 12:18pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jared Melton
The meeting will be held from 2:30-4:30pm. Prizes will be given for costumes. Most Original,
most scary and one other. (Sorry I can't remember what it is.)
Could it be "Most SEXY SEXY"?
Reply
post #19 of 49
10/25/07 at 12:22pm
I have to put up with having to deal with management bugging us to join in on their charitable contribution campaign. If I don't want to give my hard earned scratch to charity, I don't have to elect not to. But yet, they bug us every day about this.

The other crap I have to deal with is PBC (Personal Business Commitments). I have absolutely zero time to do any personal improvements. But we still have to select stuff to do. Supposedly if we do or don't do any of this crap it has no effect on our performance reviews. But we are still inclined to do this crap. Ok, not!

I'd rather waste my down time on CHUD.
Reply
post #20 of 49
10/25/07 at 12:26pm
I had to sit through six hours of this kind of bullshit yesterday. SIX HOURS. And I couldn't even understand what they were talking about, literally what they were trying to communicate to me in their sentences because their brains and speech patterns and vocabulary had become infected by the corporatespeak virus. This might be America's worst invention since the Jim Crow laws.

And how the hell are you supposed to do a Halloween costume based on a corporate mission statement? What, is this a test to see if they can make an order like that and still get you all to show up in your work uniforms anyway and carefully avoid fun through passive-aggressiveness?
Reply
post #21 of 49
10/25/07 at 12:27pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by C.Swicegood
I remember back in college doing an assignment where we had to write our own mission statement. That's the moment I realized that making it in the business world wasn't so much about knowledge or education as much as it's about trying to make the BS you spew sound important with flowery speech.
That assignment you had was our pop quiz, only we had to add in the "6 P's": Product, People, Place, Price, Production, and Promotion. When I asked the instructor whether the "Price" category meant cost to consumer or cost to institution creating the marketing plan, she paused for an uncomfortable amount of time and said, "That's a good question. It could be either."

I'm reminded of the Poochie ep of The Simpsons, paraphrased here:
"Excuse me, but 'proactive' and 'paradigm'? Aren't these just buzzwords that dumb people use to sound important? Not that I'm accusing you of anything like that. I'm failing this class, aren't I?"

Quote:
Originally Posted by MissZooey
Unless it's an academic library, then you should replace the last one with "putting up with their procrastination and off-the-charts whining."
Sounds like I'll fit right in.
Reply
post #22 of 49
10/25/07 at 12:32pm
Yes, it's proof that psychologic torture will make people whine faster, more often, and longer than any other kind of pain.

Either that or those of us dumb enough to work in physically exhausting and/or dangerous jobs are also too stupid to complain about them.

C'mon people. Mission statements are stupid, especially when they are exceedingly vague, but they pay you to sit on your ass and surf CHUD for hours a day. I think memorizing the mission statement is not so much to ask.
Reply
post #23 of 49
10/25/07 at 12:35pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Stormin
And how the hell are you supposed to do a Halloween costume based on a corporate mission statement? What, is this a test to see if they can make an order like that and still get you all to show up in your work uniforms anyway and carefully avoid fun through passive-aggressiveness?
I've only been at one job - meaning the basic office atmosphere I've been in for the past 19 years - where we were encouraged to dress up for Halloween, and that was when I worked at an ad agency, which makes enough sense. But other places I've worked at act like it's some dirty little secret that you really shouldn't bring up if you knew better. The question, "So, do people dress up for Halloween around here?" usually got you a reply of nervous back-and-forth eye darting, shifting uncomfortably in chairs, and staring ahead at the computer monitors with a throat clearing answer of, "Uhhh.... I mean, uh, you can... y'know, if you want to, but uhhh..." The reaction was as if you'd asked, "So, will blowing my boss in the stairwell get me a better Christmas bonus?"
Reply
post #24 of 49
10/25/07 at 12:35pm
Just as an aside you might find boring, but I'm sharing it anyway, the Fiancee recently got a job as a lobbyist at a huge, multinational corporation. Neither she nor I had ever before worked for traditional corporation. She worked for a couple of law firms and then went to work on the Hill after law school. I got my law firm job right after college and am doing the law school thing now. So this is our first taste of the corporate life. My dad worked for big corporations his whole work life and I was familiar with it, but it's funny to be part of it (if only indirectly) yourself. I kept telling her, it's a great opportunity but it's going to be different. You're working for The Man now. The Asian Man, as it were, since it's a Japanese corporation and all the higher ups are no-nonsense types. I haven't seen a mission statement yet but already she's been forced to go on several pointless business trips and it takes six people to approve the tiniest decisions.
Reply
post #25 of 49
10/25/07 at 12:36pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by LisaNewYork
"So, will blowing my boss in the stairwell get me a better Christmas bonus?"
What has two thumbs and just placed an ad for a new administrative assistant? THIS GUY!!!
Reply
post #26 of 49
10/25/07 at 12:37pm
I too get memos like that here and there, but mine are worse.

Why?

'Cause they're in FRENCH ONLY*



*Sorry Marty.
Reply
post #27 of 49
10/25/07 at 12:44pm
Johnathan, I took the revision to my project controls director...he loves it. He doesn't think the president will. It is our unofficial project mission statement now.
Reply
post #28 of 49
10/25/07 at 12:47pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by LisaNewYork
You're going to be tested on this in the future? What, you have to remember that Bob from accounting came as Buttons the Clown?
That's incorrect, he was actually Dr. Giggles. Johnny the mail room boy was Buttons the Clown.
Reply
post #29 of 49
10/25/07 at 12:48pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by EdHocken
That's incorrect, he was actually Dr. Giggles. Johnny the mail room boy was Buttons the Clown.
Looks like someone's scheduled for another visit to the stairwell...
Reply
post #30 of 49
10/25/07 at 12:50pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by BillyG
We're told repeatedly if we do not know it by heart when ISO auditors come that we will enter a world of shit. No idea if that's true or not, but they use scare tactics to make sure you remember.
If your company is trying to get ISO Certified, you have my sympathies. To get that certification, I'd imagine the powers that be are and should be busting their asses getting the paperwork and training as organized and error-free as possible (lots of late hours are the norm). The result will be more prestige for your company, as well as a greater chance to draw in more, and in some cases a much better class, of customers. It's a pretty big deal - it shows a client your company has their shit together and runs like clockwork.

Last company I worked at went this route - took them a couple of years before they got their certification, and the increased prestige brought in several international clients they'd tried to get for a long time.
Reply
post #31 of 49
10/25/07 at 12:57pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Chris Kent
I too get memos like that here and there, but mine are worse.

Why?

'Cause they're in FRENCH ONLY*



*Sorry Marty.
It's okay. Those French memos are indeed worse, as the language is even more superfluous and tortuous than English.

For example, takes 2 paragraphs to let you know that the goddamn Christmas party will be held in the fucking afternoon, as the old fuck that is the head of the company is too old to party, even more so at night.
Reply
post #32 of 49
10/25/07 at 1:00pm
Not only is it in French folks, but it's Quebeccan French and that's a whole other issue.
Reply
post #33 of 49
10/25/07 at 1:03pm
I've never heard of an ISO auditor interrogating anyone about the corporate mission statement. If an auditor barged into my office and asked me what my company's mission statement was, he'd have to pick me up off the floor because I'd be dying of laughter.
Reply
post #34 of 49
10/25/07 at 1:12pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Timothy225
If your company is trying to get ISO Certified, you have my sympathies.
The company is already ISO, but every few months they bring in auditors to make sure we are keeping to the regulations. It has helped with business since going the path, so we can't complain that it helps keep our jobs...but in practice, nobody follows it.
Reply
post #35 of 49
10/25/07 at 1:22pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Timothy225
If your company is trying to get ISO Certified, you have my sympathies. To get that certification, I'd imagine the powers that be are and should be busting their asses getting the paperwork and training as organized and error-free as possible (lots of late hours are the norm). The result will be more prestige for your company, as well as a greater chance to draw in more, and in some cases a much better class, of customers. It's a pretty big deal - it shows a client your company has their shit together and runs like clockwork.

Last company I worked at went this route - took them a couple of years before they got their certification, and the increased prestige brought in several international clients they'd tried to get for a long time.
I disagree, it shows that your company is willing to waste money on a bureaucratic system that wastes time, when you should be getting your own paperwork in order. ISO is the biggest scam to ever be put over on the corporate sector.

I thought the importance of ISO certification kinda died in the late 90's.
Reply
post #36 of 49
10/25/07 at 1:25pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by BillyG
The company is already ISO, but every few months they bring in auditors to make sure we are keeping to the regulations. It has helped with business since going the path, so we can't complain that it helps keep our jobs...but in practice, nobody follows it.
Congrats that your company is certified - the ISO auditing is a necessary evil to maintain the certification. I know some of those guys are real pricks and look for any excuse to remove it from a company (keeps them from looking bad). I know it sucks, but my advice is to just jump through hoops while they're there and follow the mission statement. If anything, it'll keep management off your back while the audit goes on (beware of ISO auditors masquerading as potential new clients - those fuckers are sneaky).
Reply
post #37 of 49
10/25/07 at 1:26pm
I think the word "mission" in the term Mission Statement is less like the vernacular/secular/business definition (task-oriented goal) and more akin to the religious version.

As in: "Attempting to sway the heathen cannibals to our line of thinking, whilst avoiding getting eaten."

Corporate efficiency experts, HR people, industrial psychologists... I don't trust them (no offense to any Chewers or their spouses). Mission statements are like small-pox infested blankets. The phrase "Mission Statement" sounds soothing, then BLAMMO!
Reply
post #38 of 49
10/25/07 at 1:28pm
ISO/CMMI are still huge. Streamlining processes is always a good thing, but there are so many bullshit requirements for CMMI at level four that it's difficult to get any new work done. it's all good in theory (and it puts a nice feather in the cap of the policy wonks who mandated it for your company), but ever since my company decided to use it, getting a new project off the ground has been a miserable task.
Reply
post #39 of 49
10/25/07 at 1:31pm
I have a natural distrust of any corporate-mandated A.C.R.O.N.Y.M. (policy or tool).

Especially since that every 6-12 months, they undoubtedly roll out new ones to replace the old ones, all while pretty much saying the same thing. Those stooges are just trying to justify their salaries.
Reply
post #40 of 49
10/25/07 at 1:32pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Minsky
ISO/CMMI are still huge. Streamlining processes is always a good thing, but there are so many bullshit requirements for CMMI at level four that it's difficult to get any new work done. it's all good in theory (and it puts a nice feather in the cap of the policy wonks who mandated it for your company), but ever since my company decided to use it, getting a new project off the ground has been a miserable task.

That's the thing about ISO, it's the antithesis of productivity. Your company will spend more time making sure that you have 5 different departments approving decisions, in order to KEEP the ISO certification than actually conducting business that directly benefits the company.

My company dropped ISO certification about four years ago and I think we're better off for it. We definitely haven't lost any business due to NOT being certified.
Reply
post #41 of 49
10/25/07 at 1:34pm
I tried Wikipediing ISO and I still have no exact idea what it is. Is this some sort of management technique like Six Sigma which I don't think anyone has a clear idea of.
Reply
post #42 of 49
10/25/07 at 1:37pm
Pretty much, yeah. Here you go:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/ISO_9000
Reply
post #43 of 49
10/25/07 at 2:00pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jared Melton
Also, just found out at the monthly accounting department meeting that we're "strongly encouraged" to incorporate the mission statement into our "not-mandatory-yet-also-strongly-encouraged" costumes at the "we-can't-require-you-to-come-but-we-can-sure-make-you-feel-bad-if-you-don't" Halloween Party next week.

...oi.

I reccomend you attend as either a resume or the homepage for monster.com.
Reply
post #44 of 49
10/25/07 at 2:10pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by C.Swicegood
Pretty much, yeah. Here you go:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/ISO_9000
There's an organization devoted to this? I just took a quick look and this basically seems like common sense strug out with phone book thick manuals.
Reply
post #45 of 49
10/25/07 at 2:16pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dr Vivisector
I reccomend you attend as either a resume or the homepage for monster.com.
Howbout a giant cartoon paperclip?

"It looks like you're trying to fill out a Cobra Health Insurance application..."
Reply
post #46 of 49
10/25/07 at 2:20pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by EdHocken
There's an organization devoted to this? I just took a quick look and this basically seems like common sense strug out with phone book thick manuals.

That's it exactly. There is no reason that a company can't make sound, common sense based decisions without having to be beholden to a third party bureaucracy and have half a dozen people sign off on or be consumed about following the "correct" decision making path.
Reply
post #47 of 49
10/25/07 at 2:35pm
For those special times...make it Suntory time.





Sorry, I know that's random but I keep seeing the thread title and I couldn't get the joke out of my head.
Reply
post #48 of 49
10/25/07 at 3:01pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by DARKMITE8
"Attempting to sway the heathen cannibals to our line of thinking, whilst avoiding getting eaten."
If I can steal that Darkmites I think my company has a Mission Statement. I'll run it by my partner but I think he'll be okay with it.
Reply
post #49 of 49
10/26/07 at 2:10am
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Belethedheliel
Yes, it's proof that psychologic torture will make people whine faster, more often, and longer than any other kind of pain.

Either that or those of us dumb enough to work in physically exhausting and/or dangerous jobs are also too stupid to complain about them.

C'mon people. Mission statements are stupid, especially when they are exceedingly vague, but they pay you to sit on your ass and surf CHUD for hours a day. I think memorizing the mission statement is not so much to ask.
Thanks so much for the prompt and effective communication, Belethedheliel. You have an extremely valid point and I will most definitely be taking it into serious consideration. I want you to know just how valued you are here at (Insert Company Name Here) and how much we truly appreciate your constructive comments and ongoing feedback on your daily experiences within (Insert Company Name Here).

Thanks again and have a wonderful and productive day!
Reply
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:
  Return Home
  Back to Forum: The Chewers Catch-All
CHUD.com Community › Forums › THE CHEWERS › The Chewers Catch-All › For those special times...