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Worst Christmas Songs

post #1 of 119
11/26/07 at 6:39pm
Thread Starter 
So, I'm mixing a Christmas radio show and without a doubt it has some of the worst songs ever recorded. What is it about Christmas songs that make radio programmers think I want to listen to crap just because it's Christmas themed.

I think the winner has to be fellow Calagarian Paul Brandt covering Convoy but retitling it Christmas Convoy. It's as bad as you'd expect.

I give a close second to N Sync's Merry Christmas Baby and Toby Keith's Old Toy Trains.
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post #2 of 119
11/26/07 at 6:41pm
I think we've done this thread already, but I'll repeat to you some words of wisdom passed down to me by my grandfather and his grandfather before him: "If you play that freakin' Christmas Shoes song, I will kill you. Kill you dead."
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post #3 of 119
11/26/07 at 6:42pm
Ronan Keating covering Fairytale of New York is just, hideously, hideously, awful.
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post #4 of 119
11/26/07 at 6:43pm
Wouldn't this thread be shorter/easier to compile if it was called "Best Christmas Songs (That Aren't 'Fairytale of New York')"?
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post #5 of 119
11/26/07 at 6:43pm
I don't know what it is, but 'Last Christmas' by George Michael (or Wham! or who the fuck ever) irritates the hell out of me on a near instinctual level. I feel the bloodlust rising in me whenever I catch a few chords.

And to second the post above, two words:

Christmas. Shoes.

Fuck that song.
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post #6 of 119
11/26/07 at 6:45pm
"Grandma Got Run Over by A Reindeer" makes me want to punch a fetus. A PUPPY fetus.
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post #7 of 119
11/26/07 at 6:48pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by MissZooey
Wouldn't this thread be shorter/easier to compile if it was called "Best Christmas Songs (That Aren't 'Fairytale of New York')"?
Scrooge!
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post #8 of 119
11/26/07 at 6:49pm
My grandma would always play Elvis Christmas music...
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post #9 of 119
11/26/07 at 6:53pm
Satan tried to play Christmas Shoes as punishment, but it was so terrible that the demon courts ruled it as cruel and unusual. For Hell. That's how bad that song is.

Runner up would probably be Mariah Carey's version of All I Want For Christmas Is You.
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post #10 of 119
11/26/07 at 7:07pm
Thread Starter 
That's a lot of hate in fourteen minutes, Chewers.

But I should add that Avril Lavigne (with help from Chantal Kreviazuk) doing O Holy Night may constitute a violation of the Geneva Convention.
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post #11 of 119
11/26/07 at 7:32pm
Man, there's a song on the new Starbucks Christmas CD...

It's Herbie Hancock and Corinne Bailey Rae doing a cover of "River".

First off, "River" isn't a Christmas song.

Second, despite the pedigree of the musicians on the song, Rae just murders it. It's awful. No enunciation and the inflections are all wrong. You kind of have to hear it for yourself.
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post #12 of 119
11/26/07 at 7:34pm
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by MissZooey
Wouldn't this thread be shorter/easier to compile if it was called "Best Christmas Songs (That Aren't 'Fairytale of New York')"?
After close to eight hours or mixing shitty Xmas tunes I'd like to know that other people have gone through similar kinds of pain. I'm a bit of a jerk that way.
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post #13 of 119
11/26/07 at 7:37pm
Ugh, all of them. Yes even the one by the Pogues. If there's ever a good time to get knocked into a month-long coma, it's right now. I think I'll go strolling past a construction site for lunch.
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post #14 of 119
11/26/07 at 7:45pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Van Jones
Ugh, all of them. Yes even the one by the Pogues. If there's ever a good time to get knocked into a month-long coma, it's right now. I think I'll go strolling past a construction site for lunch.
You must live in a world without "Come on! Let's Boogie to the Elf Dance!"
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post #15 of 119
11/26/07 at 7:53pm
Cannibal Corpse's "Brain Matter Leaking from An Angry Elf's Ears" is just a shitty fucking Christmas song.
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post #16 of 119
11/26/07 at 7:54pm
Anyone who says "The Night Santa went crazy" by Weird Al is a communist.
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post #17 of 119
11/26/07 at 8:44pm
Awww com`on its got to be Sir Cliff fucking Richard and the Millennium Prayer,worse piece of crap ever
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post #18 of 119
11/26/07 at 8:51pm
I pretty much ignore every Christmas song that isn't from a Rankin/Bass special, but Christmas in Hollis is classic.

In terms of things that suck, every time I hear Mannheim Steamroller or the Trans-Siberian Orchestra I want to kill myself.
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post #19 of 119
11/26/07 at 10:00pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Detonathor
At least you guys don't get to work in a grocery store.
I work at Macy's. Bad enough.

The barking dog version of Jingle Bells should be grounds for immediate expiration of life privleges.
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post #20 of 119
11/26/07 at 10:00pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ryan S~
That's a lot of hate in fourteen minutes, Chewers.

But I should add that Avril Lavigne (with help from Chantal Kreviazuk) doing O Holy Night may constitute a violation of the Geneva Convention.
As a Canadian, I'm sorry I didn't do enough to stop this.
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post #21 of 119
11/26/07 at 10:42pm
Am I out of the loop? What the fuck is "Christmas Shoes?"
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post #22 of 119
11/26/07 at 11:09pm
Do not look into the abyss that is Christmas Shoes.
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post #23 of 119
11/27/07 at 12:03am
Quote:
Originally Posted by Big Jim Slade
As a Canadian, I'm sorry I didn't do enough to stop this.
It's not too late Big Jim. Do what you think is right.
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post #24 of 119
11/27/07 at 12:42am
Quote:
Originally Posted by Van Jones
Ugh, all of them. Yes even the one by the Pogues. If there's ever a good time to get knocked into a month-long coma, it's right now. I think I'll go strolling past a construction site for lunch.
Winner. There are no good christmas songs, with the possible exception of Mr. Garrison's Merry Fucking Christmas. That's about it.
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post #25 of 119
11/27/07 at 12:59am
Not to run this thing too off-track with songs we -like-, but I can't help but love Dead Dead Dead (Mr. Hankey's X-mas Classics)

So look long at that Christmas tree, it may be the last one that you see..
Decorate your house in green and red, cause someday you'll be dead!

(chorus of children) Dead, dead, dead.. someday you'll be dead!


And I'm in the group who has no clue what the hell Christmas Shoes is, please convince me it's not worth the effort of seeking out.
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post #26 of 119
11/27/07 at 1:09am
Quote:
Originally Posted by MissZooey
Wouldn't this thread be shorter/easier to compile if it was called "Best Christmas Songs (That Aren't 'Fairytale of New York')"?
Or "Mele Kaliki Maha"
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post #27 of 119
11/27/07 at 1:12am
Quote:
Originally Posted by Big Jim Slade
As a Canadian, I'm sorry I didn't do enough to stop this.
Do you guys have Boxing Day songs?
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post #28 of 119
11/27/07 at 1:41am
Quote:
Originally Posted by Greg David
Winner. There are no good christmas songs, with the possible exception of Mr. Garrison's Merry Fucking Christmas. That's about it.
(...makes mental note not to send Greg any Christmas songs in the holiday CD swap...)
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post #29 of 119
11/27/07 at 1:56am
Oh yeah, I guess we should get to that, huh?
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post #30 of 119
11/27/07 at 2:05am
PM sent!
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post #31 of 119
11/27/07 at 10:45am
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Big Jim Slade
As a Canadian, I'm sorry I didn't do enough to stop this.
As a Canadian who has worked with Avril Lavigne I'm sorry I didn't do enough to stop this. The worst part of it is that they are two of the flattest singers on the planet doing a song that needs a singer with range...awful in every way.
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post #32 of 119
11/27/07 at 10:56am
Quote:
Originally Posted by RathBandu
Satan tried to play Christmas Shoes as punishment, but it was so terrible that the demon courts ruled it as cruel and unusual. For Hell. That's how bad that song is.

Runner up would probably be Mariah Carey's version of All I Want For Christmas Is You.

We can all stop. RathBandu has trumped all. The Christmas Shoes is not only a fucking HORRIBLE song, it's a wrong headed nonsensical mess! They have the Sirius holiday channel pumped through the speakers at work and I have to hear this abomination at least twice a day. Hey, poor kid, instead of making sure your sick Mom has some stylish shoes to impress Jesus, why don't you use the money to... I don't know... by some food or medicine or something!

God I hate that song with every fiber of my being.

I'll also give a nod to Phil! I don't like the MAN WITH ALL THE TOOOOOOYS either.
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post #33 of 119
11/27/07 at 11:14am
Thread Starter 
Warning, do not even think about clicking on this link. Your brain will explode. I warned you.
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post #34 of 119
11/27/07 at 11:21am
Quote:
Originally Posted by LisaNewYork
And for those of you who haven't heard "Christmas Shoes", go ahead - look it up. Why shouldn't you suffer like the rest of us have?
That's not a very Christmasy sentiment. Please don't listen to Lisa. In fact, run. Run right now and tell an adult or someone you trust.
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post #35 of 119
11/27/07 at 12:17pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Doc Happenin
I don't know what it is, but 'Last Christmas' by George Michael (or Wham! or who the fuck ever) irritates the hell out of me on a near instinctual level. I feel the bloodlust rising in me whenever I catch a few chords.
Dave and I have an entire mix cd of versions of "Last Christmas." I am not kidding. If you'd like, I could send it to you.

I used to really enjoy Christmas music, but now I can barely stand the stuff at all. I imagine I'll listen to some much, much closer to the actual holiday, but I can barely think about it right now.
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post #36 of 119
11/27/07 at 12:21pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by MissZooey
I used to really enjoy Christmas music, but now I can barely stand the stuff at all. I imagine I'll listen to some much, much closer to the actual holiday, but I can barely think about it right now.
I'm listening to A Charlie Brown Christmas right now. And I'm loving it.
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post #37 of 119
11/27/07 at 12:23pm
"Fairy Tale of New York," which is not only my favorite Christmas song but my favorite song of all time, used to be one of those little numbers I thought it was impossible to badly. Then I heard some of the pop-punk versions of it. Boy, was I wrong.

(Christy Moore's acoustic version is still pretty awesome, though.)

Since this has become the de-facto Christmas music discussion, I have to say that I find Michael Caine singing from "The Muppet Christmas Carol" perpetually hilarious and also kind of touching. And you owe it to yourself to track down Patrick Stewart reading "A Christmas Carol."

Which comedian was it that did the bit about Christmas Shoes? Was it Patton?
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post #38 of 119
11/27/07 at 12:41pm
The Neil Diamond Christmas Album is a nightmare.
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post #39 of 119
11/27/07 at 12:41pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by RathBandu
"Fairy Tale of New York," which is not only my favorite Christmas song but my favorite song of all time, used to be one of those little numbers I thought it was impossible to badly. Then I heard some of the pop-punk versions of it. Boy, was I wrong.

(Christy Moore's acoustic version is still pretty awesome, though.)

Since this has become the de-facto Christmas music discussion, I have to say that I find Michael Caine singing from "The Muppet Christmas Carol" perpetually hilarious and also kind of touching. And you owe it to yourself to track down Patrick Stewart reading "A Christmas Carol."

Which comedian was it that did the bit about Christmas Shoes? Was it Patton?
I know nothing about this comedy bit, but would love to track it down.

If we're going to balance this thread by naming Christmas songs we like though, I'll throw my vote in for Father Christmas. I can still listen to that song because it's not played as heavily as some of the others mentioned.


Quote:
Originally Posted by RathBandu
And you owe it to yourself to track down Patrick Stewart reading "A Christmas Carol."
YES! It is great and it made the made for TV version with Stewart that much more craptastic.
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post #40 of 119
11/27/07 at 12:45pm
I'm thanking God right now that my company doesn't have piped in radio - I have my own, and will NEVER have to listen to Christmas Shoes, etc.

That being said, my favorite Christmas song is "Christmas at Ground Zero" by Weird Al. Video's a pisser, too.
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post #41 of 119
11/27/07 at 12:46pm
I actually have a way of listening to Christmas Shoes without causing projectile vomiting or fetus punching: Pretend the whole thing is a big scam. The kid's a grifter, he goes from store to store telling his sad story to unsuspecting shoppers and convincing them to give him money. And the singer's just one in a long line of saps that fell for it. If you approach the song that way, it's actually quite listenable.
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post #42 of 119
11/27/07 at 12:47pm
In terms of truly bizzare, so bad it's kind of good Christmas songs, I have to go with Twisted Sister covering "O Come All Ye Faithful" in the style of "We're Not Gonna Take It"

Here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=De47fjH6RKY

Patton Oswalt discusses Christmas Shoes: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_ysMpr8mNRM

Also, much love for Christmas At K-Mart by Root Boy Slim. Because hell is Christmas at the 7-11.
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post #43 of 119
11/27/07 at 12:56pm
I've noticed a disturbing trend of co-opting any terrible recent Christian song into the Christmas song canon. (is "terrible recent Christian song" redundant?)

Just because a song is about Jesus doesn't make it a Christmas song. Just like any song about Ed Gein isn't automatically also about Psycho.
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post #44 of 119
11/27/07 at 12:58pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by RathBandu
"Fairy Tale of New York," which is not only my favorite Christmas song but my favorite song of all time, used to be one of those little numbers I thought it was impossible to badly. Then I heard some of the pop-punk versions of it. Boy, was I wrong.
Stars do a nice version of it, but it's so faithful to the original that it might as well not exist.

By the way, this song, "Christmas Baby, Please Come Home" (Ronettes or U2, but preferably Ronettes), and Springsteen's "Santa Claus is coming to Town" are all definitive proof that there are good Christmas songs. There just aren't enough good ones to justify any radio stations dedicating themselves to playing the stuff 24 hours-a-day for a month.

Also, if you haven't heard King Diamond's "No Presents for Christmas," you're missing out.
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post #45 of 119
11/27/07 at 1:10pm
There are also the "Christmas songs that get played so often you forget they are actually good" ones. Chief among them being the Drifters version of "White Christmas," my favorite version of the song, and Judy's "Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas."

And the Bowie/Bing version of "Peace on Earth/Little Drummer Boy" breaks my fucking heart.

Gee, can you tell I like me some Christmas music?
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post #46 of 119
11/27/07 at 1:15pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by DaveB
By the way, this song, "Christmas Baby, Please Come Home" (Ronettes or U2, but preferably Ronettes), and Springsteen's "Santa Claus is coming to Town" are all definitive proof that there are good Christmas songs.
In my opinion, you can't go wrong with any of the Wall of Sound Christmas music. I put together a mix disc of the stuff at this time last year. The Ronettes, The Crystals, Darlene Love-- Mavis Staples, to a much lesser extent--are all good.

And I'll take Springsteen's "Merry Christmas, Baby" over "Santa Claus is Coming to Town." They're both greatness, however.
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post #47 of 119
11/27/07 at 1:16pm
Since we seem to have moved to the good stuff, Aimee Mann's Christmas CD from last year is my all-time favorite (outside of Vince Guaraldi). I'm seeing her traveling Christmas variety show in December, and I couldn't be more excited.
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post #48 of 119
11/27/07 at 1:47pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by RathBandu
And the Bowie/Bing version of "Peace on Earth/Little Drummer Boy" breaks my fucking heart.
It's good in its own right, but what really pushes it over the top is the preceding banter between Bowie and Der Bingle. In addition to the fact that Bing pronounces Bowie like "Boo-E", there are gems such as:

Bowie: You're the one that sings, right?
Crosby: Ah, well, right or wrong, I sing either way.
Bowie: I sing, too.
Crosby: Ohhhhhh, good. What kind of singin'?
Bowie: Mostly contemporary stuff. Do you, uh, like modern music?
Crosby: Oh, I think it's maaaaarvelous... some of it really fine.

and

Bowie: I'm not as young as I look.
Crosby: No one is these days.

See it here.
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post #49 of 119
11/27/07 at 2:21pm
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by DaveB

By the way, this song, "Christmas Baby, Please Come Home" (Ronettes or U2, but preferably Ronettes), and Springsteen's "Santa Claus is coming to Town" are all definitive proof that there are good Christmas songs. There just aren't enough good ones to justify any radio stations dedicating themselves to playing the stuff 24 hours-a-day for a month.
I actually thought "Christmas Baby, Please Come Home" was one of those rare Christmas songs that was so good no one could fuck it up. Then I heard Christina Aguillera's version. I was so, so, so wrong!

Don Williams does a really nice version of "Twas the Night Before Christmas" and local artist Tim Tamashiro does a fun version of "The Grinch" I also really like Crash Test Dummies version of "The First Noel".

Quote:
I've noticed a disturbing trend of co-opting any terrible recent Christian song into the Christmas song canon. (is "terrible recent Christian song" redundant?)
Alabama's "Angels Among Us" is a great example of that. It's a fucking horrible song about a stupid kid who gets lost in the woods yet somehow it's morphed into a Christmas tune.
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post #50 of 119
11/27/07 at 2:24pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mattioli
In my opinion, you can't go wrong with any of the Wall of Sound Christmas music. I put together a mix disc of the stuff at this time last year. The Ronettes, The Crystals, Darlene Love-- Mavis Staples, to a much lesser extent--are all good.
You can't really go wrong with Spector's A Christmas Gift for You album (well, except for his little voice-over deal), but "Christmas, Baby..." is the standout.

Quote:
And I'll take Springsteen's "Merry Christmas, Baby" over "Santa Claus is Coming to Town." They're both greatness, however.
That whole bit about Clarence wanting a new saxophone practically makes it for me. Also, if you can track down his "Pilgrim in the Temple of Love" (it's an acoustic song he played on the Ghost of Tom Joad tour, I think), it's pretty awesome - Bruce meets a drunken Santa in a strip club. I suspect it was written pretty quickly, since he used the same music for the similarly jokey "Sell It and They Will Come" on the same tour.
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