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Top 100 Message Board Quotes from Christian Fundamentalists

post #1 of 98
1/14/08 at 6:05pm
Thread Starter 
Here's the link- Some will make you laugh, but most will result in uncontrollable rage that will absolutely ruin your day. Enjoy!

http://209.85.165.104/search?q=cache...%3Farchive%3D1

Originally found on Gorillamask link roundup.
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post #2 of 98
1/14/08 at 6:07pm
Quote:
One of the most basic laws in the universe is the Second Law of Thermodynamics. This states that as time goes by, entropy in an environment will increase. Evolution argues differently against a law that is accepted EVERYWHERE BY EVERYONE. Evolution says that we started out simple, and over time became more complex. That just isn't possible: UNLESS there is a giant outside source of energy supplying the Earth with huge amounts of energy. If there were such a source, scientists would certainly know about it.
I believe the common scientific response to this is "lololol."
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post #3 of 98
1/14/08 at 6:11pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by James Kimbell
I believe the common scientific response to this is "lololol."
That has become the accepted response for anyone spouting creationist pap.
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post #4 of 98
1/14/08 at 6:18pm
Quote:
I can sum it all up in three words: Evolution is a lie
There's no way all of these are real.
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post #5 of 98
1/14/08 at 6:23pm
Real or not, these are golden.

Quote:
[Talking about an eleven year old girl who was raped and then buried alive]

god was sacrificing this child as a way to show others the light. much as he did his own child. what a beautiful gift he has given us.
*blink*
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post #6 of 98
1/14/08 at 6:28pm
Thread Starter 
I've spent way, way too much time on this site, and looking through the references and sources, these are all very real. And speaking from familial experience, there unequivocally ARE people who think and speak like this.
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post #7 of 98
1/14/08 at 6:37pm
Fundies Say The Darndest Things is one of the pinnacle achievements of the internet. Whether that's a compliment or not is really up for grabs.
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post #8 of 98
1/14/08 at 6:39pm
Quote:
Just imagine vast fields of our sisters in Christ -- sisters brain damaged and comatosed, never to mentally return to this Earth full of sin -- inserted into pods that are themselves connected to a myriad of wires and hydraulic tubes (I know, it sounds exactly like the Matrix, and I freely admit, although it's certainly a very evil movie, some of the imagery is inspiring and inspired this post). The pods will be the most comfortable places on Earth, playing soothing music like Bible hymns and Mozart, their insides like a massage chair and covered in silk. A few intruding wires and tubes will, of course, have to connect to the women inside the pods to monitor their temperature and overall health, as well as the babies' of those that are pregnant. And of course there will be one tube reserved for the insertion of a man's seed whenever the women are at their most fertile. And only the best semen will be used. I haven't quite settled on a selection process yet, but I'm thinking some sort of Christian council could perhaps vote on the man who is honorable and moral enough to breed generations of these children. Perhaps one man won't be enough, for a little bit of diversity is always good. We should, therefore, most likely have a multitude of different men, one of each race. When the children are born, they can be sent off to special adoption centers, where they can be delivered to good Christian parents who are unable to themselves breed. Those that may be left over can be raised in God, brought up in Christian schools, where prayers are said thrice daily (at least), and in the summer, they can be sent to Jesus camp. If the schools are as good as I envision, then these children will make the perfect leaders for our future. But not just leaders, for if this idea is near as good as I am thinking, we will breed enough of these children to one day make up a huge percentage of our population, such that they can elect only the most Christian of people to the government. So even those that are not the brightest and best can contribute to God in some way.
There are so many things wrong with this, it's unreal.
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post #9 of 98
1/14/08 at 6:52pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jan Travolta
God is weeping right now.
If God is listening to all this, he's probably a raging alcoholic.
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post #10 of 98
1/14/08 at 7:39pm
That guy nailed my Thursday night. He must be psychic.
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post #11 of 98
1/14/08 at 7:41pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Alan "Nordling" Cerny
That guy nailed my Thursday night. He must be psychic.
So did you get nailed or did you get nailed? If you catch my meaning or catch my drift. What have you and such.
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post #12 of 98
1/14/08 at 7:42pm
There's no doubt in my mind these are real. I live in the hometown of Pres. Bush, so it's kind of conservative.

And by "kind of," I mean you'd be publicly stoned for contemplating abortion. Even if your baby was Belial.
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post #13 of 98
1/14/08 at 7:45pm
The woman who lives across the street from me has a pro-Jesus message written on her front window (that "glass paint" stuff used in stores) which she changes every month. I tried talking to her a couple of years ago, but I was forced to end the conversation before I found myself laughing in her face. I wonder how many of these quotes are hers.
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post #14 of 98
1/14/08 at 7:57pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cervaise
The woman who lives across the street from me has a pro-Jesus message written on her front window (that "glass paint" stuff used in stores) which she changes every month. I tried talking to her a couple of years ago, but I was forced to end the conversation before I found myself laughing in her face. I wonder how many of these quotes are hers.
There's a private Christian school mostly run by a handful of Church of Christ members here in Midland. Recently they came under fire for teaching their students that interracial marriage is sinful. I have no joke for that one.
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post #15 of 98
1/14/08 at 8:08pm
I like these:

Quote:
If u have sex before marriage then in Gods eyes u are married to that person if a man rapes a woman in Gods eyes they are married it sucks for the girl but what can we do lol
Quote:
The only solution we have to stop gays from recruiting other people is to cut off the source. They need to be taken to specialized containment centers where they will be forced to become straight and accept Jesus as thier savior and to repent from their disgusting, wicket, hatful, devilish ways. Those that refuse to go can either be forced, or banished from society in other specialized communities where they have no connetion to the outside world at all. Most would die of AIDS anyway. Anyone who refused any of the answers to make them better would have to be killed or banished.
Quote:
A man can have sexual pleasure from a child as young as a baby. However he should not penetrate, sodomising the child is OK. If the man penetrates and damages the child then he should be responsible for her subsistence all her life. This girl, however does not count as one of his four permanent wives. The man will not be eligible to marry the girl's sister.
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post #16 of 98
1/14/08 at 8:17pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Andrew Eaton
I have no joke for that one.
There's really none needed. It's uh...yeah...just...wow.
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post #17 of 98
1/14/08 at 8:17pm
So I looked at these a bit more, and thought about it, and now I'm just sad.
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post #18 of 98
1/14/08 at 8:57pm
Quote:
Everyone knows scientists insist on using complex terminology to make it harder for True Christians to refute their claims.

Deoxyribonucleic Acid, for example... sounds impressive, right? But have you ever seen what happens if you put something in acid? It dissolves! If we had all this acid in our cells, we'd all dissolve! So much for the Theory of Evolution, Check MATE!
...I hope this guy gets massive ulcers and his stomach dissolves. Check MATE!
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post #19 of 98
1/14/08 at 9:06pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Antoine Doinel
If this isn't real, whoever wrote it should get a pulitzer.
I love how that guy didn't once spell atheism right.
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post #20 of 98
1/14/08 at 9:43pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Matt Goldberg
I love how that guy didn't once spell atheism right.
He wasn't talking about people who are simply athy, or even athier. No, the targets of this tract were the worst offenders: the athiests.
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post #21 of 98
1/15/08 at 1:56am
Quote:
Seriously, what the fuck does that even mean?
It means he's a dolt.

I sometimes wonder what it's like being a Fundamentalist Christian. I think it must be like wandering through life with a mild concussion. I spent a week in the hospital wearing a morphine epidural once, maybe it's like that; a constant state of confusion where you have a hard time telling dreams from reality.
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post #22 of 98
1/15/08 at 2:09am
Since you guys are more exposed to this sort of thing, maybe you can answer this question:

There's a guy around here with letters stuck on his car windows: "Jesus is the way, the truth, and the life." among other things. But he's removed the H's so it reads 'Jesus is t e way, t e trut , and t e life." What's all that about? Is there some sect that refuses to acknowledge all 26 letters of the alphabet because the word 'hell' starts with one of them or something? I don't ever recall walking past a c urc .
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post #23 of 98
1/15/08 at 4:09am
Jesus is teh way.

Hmmm, living here in Georgia, you do see a lot of religious folks, and most of them, hell nearly all of them I've met, are very pleasant people. Then all of a sudden some bizarre thing will come out of their mouths about gays or minorities or some such thing, and I just sigh and think to myself "These could be some of the nicest people if religion never stepped into their lives." Of course, this leads me to wonder if the only reason they're nice in the first place is because they "found God" and whatnot and...hmm, perhaps these thoughts are best kept for another thread.
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post #24 of 98
1/15/08 at 4:55am
Quote:
how come we cant speak monkey
I just wanna say: I'd like to speak monkey, too.

Ook!
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post #25 of 98
1/15/08 at 6:35am
Thanks for the new sig.

Edit: Also as an atheist, I find the following quote a little flattering.

"Convinced atheists adhere to no concepts of good and bad, but make them up as they go along. To me, they're no different from machines! A bit like the gun which is capable of cold, mindless, killing - devoid of all consciousness of responsibility."
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post #26 of 98
1/15/08 at 9:06am
Cue the Terminator theme. Dum-dum-dum-de-dum.
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post #27 of 98
1/15/08 at 12:57pm
I hope when the Big Man returns, he puts a royal smackdown on his followers. Suplex style!
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post #28 of 98
1/15/08 at 1:21pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by the dimmest bulb in the hardware store
Please don't insult our intelligence by lumping science and technology together. They are as different at night and day.
Gold.
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post #29 of 98
1/15/08 at 1:31pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Fundie
all the evolutionists, tell me something. i know how the big bang "has happened, but tell me, wouldnt an explosion, especially one that size, take away life instead of allow it? think about it.

ex: the a-bomb, the h-bomb, grenades, cannon balls (when fired from a cannon of course), mines, rocket launchers, and anything and everything in between. they all have taken lives.
HAHAHAHA. Holy shit. I love his clarification, "cannon balls,when fired from a cannon OF COURSE!" I wish all of these people would drink some Jim Jones Kool Aid
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post #30 of 98
1/15/08 at 1:40pm
Quote:
I can sum it all up in three words: Evolution is a lie
And I can sum up that page in one quote.
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post #31 of 98
1/15/08 at 4:22pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by BTSMGL
I just wanna say: I'd like to speak monkey, too.

Ook!
That's Ape, not Monkey.
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post #32 of 98
1/15/08 at 4:27pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by stelios
"Convinced atheists adhere to no concepts of good and bad, but make them up as they go along. To me, they're no different from machines! A bit like the gun which is capable of cold, mindless, killing - devoid of all consciousness of responsibility."
Odd, that's how I feel about them. They can't tell right from wrong for themselves, so they defer to what Jesus or their pastor tells them is right and what is wrong. I'm glad the current trend in Christianity is general niceness because I'd hate to live in a world where these peoples' religion tells them to be serious assholes. Not being able to tell right from wrong, these people would happily shoot black men in the street (or whatever) thinking they're acting like decent human beings.
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post #33 of 98
1/15/08 at 4:43pm
Quote:
Please don't insult our intelligence by lumping science and technology together. They are as different at night and day.
Is it wrong that now I have a Cole Porter tune stuck in my head? Or is it just deliciously ironic?
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post #34 of 98
1/15/08 at 4:45pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Seabass Inna Bun
I sometimes wonder what it's like being a Fundamentalist Christian. I think it must be like wandering through life with a mild concussion. I spent a week in the hospital wearing a morphine epidural once, maybe it's like that; a constant state of confusion where you have a hard time telling dreams from reality.
I've had a major concussion and I'm leaning towards that. I didn't get a lot of sleep, bordered on paranoid, occasional lapses into nonsense, quick to anger, and much desire to hurt people who weren't me.
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post #35 of 98
1/15/08 at 4:53pm
Jesus may hate darkies, but he hate fags more, I guess is their new slogan. That whole enemy of my enemy thing.
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post #36 of 98
1/15/08 at 5:02pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Doc Happenin
Jesus may hate darkies, but he hate fags more, I guess is their new slogan. That whole enemy of my enemy thing.

Hate him back; it works for me.
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post #37 of 98
1/15/08 at 11:13pm
Woah, that list revealed a whole new form of fundamentalism to me: the idea that the King James translation is MORE correct than the original Hebrew and Greek! I keep thinking I've found the bottom of fundamentalis idiocy, but then there's always another bottom underneath it!
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post #38 of 98
1/16/08 at 12:12am
Thread Starter 
Yeah, I had no idea that school of thought existed, and despite all the horrors on display on that site, I find it particularly troubling.
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post #39 of 98
1/16/08 at 11:12pm
"I am a bit troubled. I believe my son has a girlfriend, because she left a dirty magazine with men in it under his bed. My son is only 16 and I really don't think he's ready to date yet. What's worse is that he's sneaking some girl to his room behind my back. I need help, God! I want my son to stop being so secretive!"
-Linda, good News Prayer Room

Sigged. Holy sheit.
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post #40 of 98
1/17/08 at 12:17am
Quote:
Originally Posted by FreeRobotSex
lol god reads the internet
God is the internet.
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post #41 of 98
1/17/08 at 1:12pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by The Gulager
God is the internet.
Oh, how right you are.
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post #42 of 98
1/17/08 at 1:23pm
I can't even laugh at the stuff posted in the link. It's fucking frightening.
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post #43 of 98
1/17/08 at 2:03pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by The Gulager
God is the internet.
<joan osborne> "What if God was an IP address?" </joan osborne>
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post #44 of 98
1/17/08 at 2:17pm
Firefox is not of the chosen people, duh.
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post #45 of 98
1/17/08 at 4:18pm
There's a comment some Chewer made in their archives somewhere. Perhaps some enterprising soul will go digging for it.
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post #46 of 98
1/28/08 at 1:12pm
I live in Atlanta, a majority of my family is Christian, and let me tell ya- I can believe some of this shit, cause my mom reads me some of the emails her sisters send her and man all I gotta say is WHAT THE FUCK! But it kinda sucks when ur the only non-Christian in the family.....
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post #47 of 98
2/5/08 at 4:13pm
Quote:
There are a lot of things I have concluded to be wrong, without studying them in-depth. Evolution is one of them. The fact that I don't know that much about it does not bother me in the least.
Quote:
The only thing I don't like about (some Bible printing company) is they sell foreign language versions of the KJB. I don't think that's right. We know the only true translation is the 1600's version in English.

It's too risky for anybody to translate that into other languages. Mistakes can creep in... and that can lead to heresy. True Christians should only read English.
These are crossing the line from making me laugh at their ignorance to just making me really depressed that we have to share the world with these fucktards.
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post #48 of 98
2/6/08 at 4:54pm
Yeah, the line between comedy and tragedy is especially blurry in this case.
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post #49 of 98
2/6/08 at 11:54pm
I find it to be all comedy really.
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post #50 of 98
2/7/08 at 12:29am
Quote:
Originally Posted by BubWilliams View Post
I find it to be all comedy really.
Oh, it's all a laugh until they take the interracial porn away. Then shit gets serious.
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