Ways To Know A Band Sucks

You know, you can just come out and say Nickleback sucks. No need to be coy. It's pretty much a scientific fact.

To the title of the thread: when they play live in a small venue, the other bands on the bill come up to them after their set and say things like - "You guys were really tight," "I really liked that third song," or "You looked like you were having a lot of fun up there."

Even the Intelligent Design idiots will accept this as true.

3- The said band is, in one way or another, being compared to Limp Bizkit.

They dedicate their success to myspace.

I'm kidding... or am i?

The band's name is Fallout Boy.

If the band members list Good Charlotte or Blink-182 as inspirations.

Does an ironic cover of an 80's hit.

Almost verbatim what I was gonna say.

If a majority of the lyrics are sung from the perspective of "I", you pretty much suck ass...you conceited little cry-baby punk bastards.

When the guitarists all "jump" when the song kicks into the chorus.

When they kick into "Gimme Three Steps" because it's the only song that gets the folks on the dance floor.

This is also a sign that the crowd sucks.

You get three iterations of "Go away" per song. If you go over this limit, especially on your first single, YOU HAVE FAILED.

Are non-ironic covers OK?

Emo haircuts.

Sincere covers are OK. It's the sarcastic ones that can go either way.

Yes and no

They're generic.
They make songs about how rock/celebrity life is full of fakes/shallow people.
They make songs about how they don't give a shit about money.
They make songs about how they're not sell outs.
They're Sum 41.
They're Good Charlotte.
They're Nickelback.
They're Avenge Sevenfold.

Tru dat

Your band's name comes from a semi-obscure pop culture reference from the 80's-early 90's.

Somewhere the members of Save Ferris ears are burning.

I can think of three other bands. One has been mentioned in this thread. Enjoy!

Anytime a thriller dance homage is employed in a video.

You must hate Bowling For Soup.

It's a proven fact that '80s hair bands jumped the shark by offering Vivian Campbell a roster spot.

If the band has 4 or more guitarists on stage.
If the lead singer reaches out to the audience and curls his fingers in while he croons.

Hey!

(*Slaps Brian with glove across face*)

Pistols at dawn, sir!

When their drummer has a gong.
When there are scarves tied to the microphone stand.
When they're wearing pastel colored sweaters.

(edit)
When they all look like they sprung from Rivers Cuomo's sperm. What's up with that trend? Emasculated nerds, who look about as sexy as a poetry reading in a coffee shop in Cambridge, Mass, playing Rock Music. Remember when bands used to be semi-masculine? This is why you need to be careful when you expose your kids to Weezer.

This is just a reaction to Vampire Weekend. God, they're fucking awful.

I dunno man, gongs are pretty bad-ass.

I've always kinda liked Alien Ant Farm's "Smooth Criminal"*...and I move to except them from the "Thriller" dance rule since it's an MJ cover.


* - maybe that's because the follow up single "Movies"** sounds VERY Cheap Trick influenced. And as we all know, Cheap Trick are demigods.


** - of course, the video falls prey to another sucky band trait - a video that believes that stringing together a bunch of 80s pop culture references = greatness. See Bowling for Soup's "1985". ***


*** - BfS have to be the fattest, ugliest band since BTO.

Van Halen and Pink Floyd had gongs. Thesis rejected.

I'll allow it because I also liked that cover.

*From his rocking chair whilst waving a cane*

"If ya kids are listenin' to 'em!"

Not necessarily, though I'm speaking as a pretty big Broken Social Scene fan.

To say nothing of the work done by Glenn Branca

For the record, the three bands I had in mind were Fallout Boy, Atreyu, and McFly.
Can we add brass instruments to this comment?

Sure, if you want to toss out early Springsteen and the Mighty Mighty Bosstones.

Dammit!

This list has become unwieldy. In the interest of all-inclusiveness, I suggest the following adjustments.

Though an ironic cover, in and of itself, may not be good, the following artists most certainly do not suck outside of said cover (ironic intent being subjective, of course):

Ben Folds/Ben Folds Five - "Video Killed the Radio Star," "Bitches Ain't Shit"
Ben Gibbard/Death Cab for Cutie - "Thriller," "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun," "They Don't Know" (Tracy Ullman)
Richard Thompson - "Kiss" (Prince)
Paul Westerberg - "Postcards from Paradise" (Flesh for Lulu)

At the risk of missing sarcasm here, aren't you the guy who said he was friends with Bob Mould in that other thread? I think 90 percent of his output is in first-person, and he's probably in the majority of pop/rock artists in this respect.

I was going to mention Nirvana's "Scentless Apprentice" for the similar "Get away," but an even stronger point could be made for Bob Dylan, who wrote "Go Away, Little Boy" for Lone Justice (also a solid band, though it's not one of their better songs). The title is repeated throughout, thus there are more than three iterations of "Go away." Since we're talking the worth of an artist, not a single song, your rule only applies in a world in which Bob Dylan and Lone Justice both suck.

That Cornell cover is pretty awful, actually.

That doesn't even mean anything.

There are a billion counter-examples of great bands doing this. Everyone from the Who to Cursive has covered this territory.

I can't even think of an artist who does this. I guess it's sort of implicit (if you're sort of missing the point) in Fugazi's songs, but, if anything, they're a very strong counter-example.

Again, Fugazi, if you're really, really reductive. And Public Enemy.

Can we call a moratorium on the "They're [insert band name]?" rules. Yes, we know Nickelback sucks. Let's move on.

You mean like Radiohead?

Bruce Springsteen, Steve Van Zandt, Nils Lofgren, Patti Scialfa.

Bad rule.

I second Chavez's motion to strike this. You also might want to note this fellow:



Look, I can't condone what they've done in recent years, but 70s Aerosmith? Come on.

Ah, yes, the olden days of those most-masculine bands like Buddy Holly and the Crickets, Elvis Costello and the Attractions, and Pavement.

No, they're really, really not.

Arcade Fire and Godspeed You Black Emperor also disagree.

DaveB just dropped the hammer on all y'all.

I thought the guitars usually topped out at three at any given time with the Arcade Fire live (since there are always keyboards and drums to play), but I might be wrong. Anyway, you guys are right about GSYBE and Broken Social Scene. I'm pretty sure they both go over four at various times.

There goes DaveB, the man who sucked the fun out of this thread.

Should I ask or just head on over to Wikipedia?

When I saw them they had four guitarists for Antichrist Television Blues and Black Wave/Bad Vibration.

OKOKOK, back on topic:

378- When they cut their one of their drummer's arms in search for better music.

Fuck, who am I kidding? Def Leppard is the best band ever... uh, was... uh, Vivian Campbell fans, anyone to lend a hand here?

632 - Any part of their membership is formed via a reality program.

I could solidify by saying "they are best known for an ironic cover" but it's not a blanket dismissal, just a way to know.

Re: the gong...

I think Floyd is the exception that proves the rule. VH had a few interesting songs, but for the most part, feh.

Led Zeppelin really never did it for me. So putting a picture of John Bonham as some sort talismatic response does nothing for me.

re: scarves
Again, Aerosmith leaves me cold. They're the band I was thinking of when I wrote that.

re: vampire weekend and emasculated rock bands
Sure, you have a point with Elvis Costello. But remember, their image was not the dominant theme in rock music. It seems to me that dominant image being pushed by rock bands is an emasculated clone of Rivers Cuomo. Not all of these kids are emulating Buddy Holly or Elvis Costello. The skinny nerd thing is all the rage, it seems.

And I've listened to Vampire Weekend. I liked them better when they were the English Beat.

Part of the fun of this thread is acknowledging that there are exceptions to the rule. For example, naming your band after a Simpsons character is lame as fuck, but naming your band after a Talking Heads song (thanks, Wikipedia!) is passable.