Jokes like soap in prison

Wait- do they all have to be anal rape jokes?

Are you implying there are jokes that aren't?

Q: What did the blonde say while she was watching the porno film?

A: "Look, see! There I am!"

Q: How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: Two, but I'll be damned if I know how they got in there!

Awesome.

So there's these two goldfish in a tank, and the first one says to the other one, "You man the guns, I'll drive!"

Q: What does a cat sleep on?
A: A caterpillow.

Q: Why do you Duct-tape a hamster?

A: So it doesn't explode when you buttfuck it.

Q: How many Druids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: Druids don't screw in lightbulbs! They screw in stone circles, silly!

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Chicken Joke in the Style of Ernest Hemmingway -

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?

A: To die. Alone. In the rain.

~~~~~~
Chicken joke in the style of Charlotte Bronte -

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?

A: Reader, I married that chicken.

Q: Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Q: Right where you left him.



A scientist cloned himself, but the clone turned out to be incredibly rude. Eventually, the scientist got sick of his clone, and pushed him over a cliff. The next day he was arrested.
Why? "Making an obscene clone fall."

*Golf Clap*

From Patton Oswalt:

So there's this traveling salesman, and he's going door to door selling his product. He finds a pretty nice house on the end of the block, so he walks up the drive and rings the doorbell. A minute later, a young boy- maybe around nine or ten years old- answers the door wearing nothing but an oversized robe. He's got a lit cigar in one hand and a glass of scotch in the other. Dumbfounded, the salesman asks:

"Uh... Are your parents home?"

To which the kid responds:

"What the fuck do you think?"

I do think this is my favorite so far. Let me try again -

~~~~~~~~
Q: How can you tell when the Unitarians are angry with you?

A: You find a burning question mark on your front lawn.


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Q: Why is an aspirin small, white, and smooth?

A: Because if it was big, gray, and wrinkled, it would be an elephant.

A party was organised for a crowd of toad-stools. It was very crowded, but they were all happy....
There wasn't mush-room, but they didn't mind because they were all such fungi's

I'm sorry. That last one was in spore taste.

Prison joke:

A little white guy gets busted for tax fraud. He gets sentenced to 5 years in prison.

Now, this guy knows what happens to little dudes like him when they go to prison. And this guy is sweating it bad.

His first day in prison comes, and the guard is walking him to his cell. The guy is ready to pass out from nervousness, and is praying for a miracle: a nice cellmate.

When he gets to his cell, the guard opens the gate, and in the cell stands the biggest convict he's ever seen. Huge, hairy, manly. The guy nearly shits himself.

He sits on the bed.

After a few minutes in the cell, the cellmate says "So, who you wanna be, the husband or the wife?"

The guy thinks about this for a minute. "Hey, this may not be so bad after all," he thinks.

"I'll be the husband."

The cellmate says, "OK. Get on over here and suck your wife's dick."

Excellent! Although, I'm sitting here giggling over, "Reader, I married that chicken."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A pirate walks into a bar. He's got an eye patch, a peg leg, and a hook for a hand.

The bartender looks him up and down and says, "What the hell happened to you?"

The pirate says, "ARRRGGHHH! I lost me leg when me crew mutinied and made me walk the plank into shark infested waters! Arrgghh!"

The bartender says, "What about your hand?"

The pirate says, "ARRGH! That was when one of me enemies chopped me hand off when I tried to steal his gold bullion! Arggh!"

The bartender says, "Okay, how'd you lose your eye?"

The pirate says, "A seagull pooped in it."

The bartender, understandably confused, says, "You lost your eye from a seagull pooping in it?"

The pirate says, "Aye. It was me first day with the hook hand."

A horse walks into a bar. Bartender says "Hey buddy why the long face?" Horse says "My mom has cancer."

I can't tell you why but I nearly fell off my stool because of this joke.

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Q: Why do blond women have bruises around their bellybuttons?

A: Because Blond guys are stupid too.

Breaking News:
Paris Hiltons latest boytoy got sent to jail for physical abuse.

Police revealed he kicked in her ripcage to finally titty-fuck her.

A teenage couple made a date, he would come over to her house for dinner than they would sneak out and have sex for the first time. Well the boy got so excited he went down to the pharmacy and nervously asked for the largest box of condoms in the store. The pharmacist looked at the boy and asked if it was his first time. The boy admitted it was, so the pharmacist took him aside and gave him the full rundown on what to expect and how to be safe. Later that evening the boy went to his girlfriends house and as they sat down for dinner he was asked to say grace. He put his head down and did not move or say anything for a very long time, finally his girlfriend leaned over "I had no idea you were so religious" the boy replied " I had no idea your dad was a pharmacist"

Heard this one from a guy who works at a prison.

A man travels to the Great White North to hunt polar bears.
On his first day he sees a young bear and shoots it dead. The hunter walks over to the carcass, places one foot on the bear and yells "I'm the fucking man!"

All the commotion attracts a much larger male bear. The hunter, scared shitless, watches as the older bear looks over the dead cub. Instead of attacking the hunter the bear rips off the man's pants and fucks him in the ass then walks away.
The hunter collects himself, thankful that he's still alive an goes back to his cabin to tend to his sore ass.

A few days later he's back out hunting. Low and behold he sees the same bear that fucked him in the ass. He raises his gun and shoots the older bear dead.
The hunter walks over to the carcass, places one foot on the older bear and yells "I'm the fucking man!"

The commotion attracts an even larger bear. The hunter once again, watches as the even larger bear looks over the dead bear. And again the bear rips off the man's pants and fucks him in the ass then walks away. Puzzled and bleeding the man staggered back to his cabin.

A few days later the hunter went out for a third time, determined to get revenge on the last bear. He waits and waits and finally sees the bear from his last encounter. The hunter raises his rifle and shoots the bear dead.
The hunter walks over to the carcass, places one foot on the bear and yells "I'm the fucking man! I killed you, you stupid cocksucking bear!"

All the commotion attracts the largest bear the hunter has ever seen and just like before the larger bear surveys the situation calmly, walks over to the man and says, "Several days ago you killed my youngest grandson. Then a few days after that my oldest grandson. And today you killed my son...it's obvious you don't come up here for the hunting."

A: Hey, that kid on the right side of the stage, is that a boy or a girl?
B: She's a girl.
A: Oh yeah? And who are you, her father?
B: No, mother.

So, in a dingy, broken down motel off the side of I-80, a chicken and an egg are sitting in bed. The chicken is all cocky, he's smoking a cigarette and looking generally smug and satisfied with himself. The egg is visibly annoyed and says: "Well, I guess that answers that question."

What is the leading cause of pedophillia in America?


Hot kids.


How many hippies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?


Hippies don't screw in lightbulbs they screw in filthy sleeping bags.



Why do women get yeast infections?


So they know what it's like to live with an irritating cunt.

This thread would not be whole without dead baby jokes.


Q: How do you make a man pregnant?
Q: Stick a dead baby up his ass!

What's something that 9 out of 10 people enjoy?

Gang rape.

Why did Jesus die on the cross?

Because he forgot his safe word.

A gigantic great dane and a little dachsund are sitting next to each other in the waiting room of a vet's office. The great dane turns to the dachsund and says, "So... what are ya in for?"

The little dachsund replies, "Well, my people are getting sick and tired of the way I hump their legs all the time. I can't help it - but they don't like it, so they're having my balls snipped off."

The great dane says, "Yeah, I hear you. The other day, my mistress got out of the shower, and dropped her towel. She bent over to get it, and when she did - well, I just couldn't help myself. I climbed right up onto her from behind and started pumping away."

The little dachsund's eyes widened, and he said, "No kidding! They're snipping your balls off too?"

The great dane said, "Naw, just getting my nails trimmed."

Awesome.

* * *

Two women are talking at a train station, waiting to pick up their husbands as they come home from work on Friday. As the men emerge from the station, the first woman rolls her eyes and says "Frank's carrying a bouquet of roses. Now I'll have to spend all weekend lying on my back with my legs spread wide open."

The second woman replies, "Why don't you just buy a vase?"

Priceless. Fucking priceless.

More dead babies!

Q: What's the difference between a 67 Firebird and a pile of dead babies?

A: I don't have a 67 Firebird in my garage!

Two from John Fox:

Two firemen are butt-fucking in a smoke filled room. The Fire Chief walks in, sees the two of them, and shouts "What the HELL is going on?"

The fireman on top says "Sir! This man is suffering from smoke inhalation!"

Fire Chief asks "Why didn't you try mouth-to-mouth?"

Fireman on top says "I did; how do you think this shit got started?"

************************************************** **

Three jungle explorers are captured by a horde of angry savages and brought before their chief. Their chief approaches the first explorer and says "What do you want DEATH or CHI-CHI!!" The first explorer, terrified, says "Chi-Chi!"

The natives shout "CHI-CHI!!!!", and they all butt fuck him.

The chief approaches the second explorer and asks him "DEATH or CHI-CHI?" The second explorer, shaking, says "Chi-Chi."

Again, the natives shout "CHI-CHI!!!!" and they all butt fuck him.

Finally, the chief approaches the third explorer, and makes the same offer "DEATH or CHI-CHI?". The third explorer, proud and defiant, shouts "DEATH!!!"

The natives all go "Booooooo." Then the chief shouts "BUT FIRST, CHI-CHI!!!!!"

What did the blind parapalegic get for Chrismas? Cancer.

The rapist and the little boy are walking through the deep dark woods. The little boy turns to the rapist; "boy, I sure am scared," he says. "You're scared?" replies the rapist, "I have to walk out of these woods alone."

Q: How do you remove dead baby from a blender?

A: With chips!

Compartment 5, on a passenger train to Edinburgh:

Foreign Passenger: What lovely day.
Scotsman: Were ya headin'?
Foreign Passenger: Edinburgh ... I'm on a tour. And you?
Scotsman: Endinburgh. It's ma honeymoon.
Foreign Passenger: ... and your wife?
Scotsman: She's already been ta Edinburgh.

How may feminists does it take to shingle a roof?

I depends on how thin you slice them.

One morning, a young, professional woman is riding a crowded bus to work. A bum boards the bus and sits in the seat next to her.

The bum leans over and says, "Hey lady, can I smell your pussy?"

The woman replies, "You certainly cannot!"

"Must be your feet then."

A nun is walking through Central Park when a mugger jumps her, drags her behind the bushes, and has his way with her.

As he's putting his pants back on, he asks the nun "So, what are ya gonna tell the Holy Father now?"

The nun replies "I'm going to tell him the truth - I was taking a walk in Central Park, when a man jumped out of the bushes, and raped me twice. Unless you're tired."

A man dies and he finds himself at the gates of heaven. He's in line with two other men, waiting to be interviewed by St. Peter.

St. Peter welcomes them and explains that, since heaven is very large, they're going to need transportation. He says that the kind of vehicle you're entitled to in heaven is decided upon by how faithful you were to your partner in life.

So St. Peter turns to the first man and asks him if he was faithful to his partner in life. The man says that he was happily married for 50 years and that he never cheated on his wonderful wife once.

The man is given a BMW. He drives through the gates of heaven.

St. Peter turns to the second man and asks him if he was faithful to his partner in life. This man says that he was indeed happily married, but that he did stray once. He adds that he confessed his infidelity to his wife and they made amends.

The man is given a Lincoln Town Car. He drives through the gates of heaven.

St. Peter turns to the third man and asks him if he was faithful to his partner in life. He sadly admits that he cheated on his wife many times without telling her and he never repented for it.

The final man is given a Dodge Omni. He drives through the gates of heaven.

Some time passes and our hero in the Dodge Omni is enjoying himself, taking road trips through heaven, and meeting with people he knew in life. One afternoon, as he was passing through an area near the gates, he notices the man with the BMW sitting on a curb, crying. The man with the Omni stops to comfort him, and asks what could possibly be wrong. He's in heaven! He's got an awesome car! He had a wonderful life!

The man on the curb, now sobbing uncontrollably, wails, "I just saw my wife on a skateboard!"

So there are these two blond girls walking through the woods, and they look down and see a set of tracks on the ground. The first girl says, "Those look like deer tracks." The second gal says, "Nuh uh, those are moose tracks." They stood there and argued about it until the train ran them over.

One of my favorite jokes:

A man is suffering from impotency and goes to the doctor for treatment. The doctor tells him of a radical new treatment in which a muscle is removed from the trunk of a baby elephant and implanted in the man's member, causing no harm to the elephant and giving him full function again.

"Let's do it," the man says.

He has the surgery and goes through the recovery time. A few weeks later, he goes out on a date. He and his date are at dinner talking when suddenly, his penis comes up from under the table and grabs a biscuit before disappearing under the table.

There's an awkward silence. "Um, can you do that again?" the woman asks.

"Yeah, but I don't think my ass can hold another biscuit."

A blind guy walks into a drug store. He takes his cane and starts knocking things off the shelves. The manager runs up to him, notices the guy's blind, and asks "Can I help you, sir?"

Blind guy says "Nah. Just looking."

*****************************************

Guy picks up his blind date at her house, a mind-numbingly gorgeous, built like a brick shithouse, redhead. They go to the local amusement park for their first date. With all sorts of rides and attractions on display, the guy asks her "Honey, what do you want to do first?"

The girl responds with a big smile, "I want to get weighed." The guy immediately takes her to a Guess Your Weight attraction - "120 pounds!" says the barker, and he's right.

They go on a few rides, have some food, and have a good time. The guy turns to the girl, asks her what she wants to do next. Girl says, seductively, "I want to get weighed." So, back to the Guess Your Weight stand, "120 pounds", and the barker is right again.

The guy asks the girl again "OK, what now?" The girl snuggles close and says "I want to get weighed."

The guy's getting a bit irked, so he decides to fake a headache and cuts the date short. He drops the girl back off at her house, says good night, and takes off.

The girl enters her house where her mother asks the girl how the date went.

"Wousy", she said.

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead all work for the same female boss - who mysteriously leaves the office every day around 2 PM and never comes back - never calls, never emails, etc. They never see her again till the next day.

So the trio decide if their boss-lady isn't going to come back, what's to keep them from skipping out too? They decide to try it - so the next day, sure enough, the boss cuts out at 2 PM like she always does. They wait till 2:30 to make it look good, and then the three of them get out of there.

The brunette is happy - happy happy happy. She heads home, and since it's still so nice and sunny, she does some work in her garden.

The redhead is thrilled - she has time to go to the gym and get in a quick workout and shower before her date that night.

The blonde is ecstatic. She goes back to her adorable little house, and goes inside. But once inside, she hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. She tiptoes over, quietly opens the door a crack - and sees her boss-lady screwing the hell out of her husband. So this is where she'd been going every day at 2 PM! She's completely freaked out, and she tiptoes out of the house, drives to a hotel, and spends the night there.

The next day, the three women compare notes to see how it went. The brunette and the redhead are so thrilled with the results. They say, "Let's do it again today! Want to?"

The blonde, however, is completely against it. She says to them, "No, uh-uh, no way." They ask her why, and she explains, "Well, when we did it yesterday - I almost got caught!"

A small-town fellow dropped off his truck to be serviced. Unfortunately he was told he wouldn't get it back until the next day, and he had a load of errands and chores in the meantime. Still, he didn't live far away, and figured he'd walk back home.

On the way he stopped in the hardware store, and picked up a gallon of paint and a bucket. Further along he dropped into the dry feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. Now he had a problem -- how to get all his purchases back home?

While he was trying to figure this out, a little old lady approached him and asked him for directions, to 1516 Carraway Road. "Why, that's just a few houses down from where I'm going, ma'am. Just walk with me and we'll get there in no time. Except, I'm not sure how I'm going to transport this paint, bucket, goose and two chickens."

"Why don't you put the paint can in the bucket and carry that with one hand, carry the goose in the other, and hold a chicken under each arm?"

That worked out well, and they headed off.

After a few blocks the fellow said, "Hey, let's take my shortcut down this alley. Should save us 10 minutes."

She eyed him warily. "Sir, I'm a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know when we get into the dark shadows of that alley you won't grab me, lift my skirt, and have your way with me?"

"Jesus, lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a paint can, two chickens and a goose! How the hell could I possibly grab you and do all that?"

"Put the goose on the ground, cover it with the bucket, put the paint can on the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."

*********

How's a West Virginia girl like a hockey team?

They both shower after three periods.

A neutron walks into a bar, orders a beer, sits and downs it. Afterwards he asks the bartender, "so how much do I owe ya?" The bartender replies "for you? no charge."

A bear walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink. "That'll be twenty bucks" says the bartender and the bear pays him. A bit later, the bear is still nursing that first drink, and the bartender comes over. "You know, I have to say something... we don't get many bears in here." The bear quickly interrupts "Well you wouldn't at these prices!"

Two Jews, a horse, and a blonde walk into a bar. The bartender asks "What is this, some kind of joke?"

Two shows nightly, folks!

From Robin Williams on the Aristocrats DVD:

A Hasidic Jew with a frog on his shoulder walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey, where'd you get that?" The frog replies, "Brooklyn! They're everywhere!"

A blonde enters her office one morning, all happy and proud of herself. Her coworker asks her what's up. "I bought a new car! All by myself!" she squeals. The coworker gives her a "yeah, right" look.

The blonde gets pissed "Oh, so you think because I'm a blonde I didn't know what I was doing, huh? Well fuck you! I did my homework! I surfed the web for information about several models of cars I liked, I picked up the latest Consumer Reports Car Guide and compared safety features and crash test results, I spoke to people that owned types of cars I was interested in, I visited several dealers, compared prices, test drove some cars, found one I really liked, and negotiated a monthly payment plan that I could easily afford!"

"Wow!" said the now impressed coworker, "I apologize! You really know your stuff! So, what type of car did you get?"

The blonde proudly says "a BLUE one!"

A nun is walking round naked in her bedroom, with the window open letting the cool breeze caress her skin, suddenly there's a knock at the door.

'Who is it?' shrieks the nun, 'It's the blind man from the village' came the reply.

She doesn't see the point of getting dressed, after all it's only the blind man, so she opens the door, naked as the day she was born.

'Great tits love, where do you want the blinds fitting?'

That was awesome.

Q: What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?

A: Nothing, already told her twice!