Jokes like soap in prison - Page 5

Two friends come home after a night out only to find the one's wife passed out, naked on the floor with an empty whiskey bottle next to her.

"She's passed out drunk again. Let's fuck her!" the husband says.

As they prepare to do the deed the friend notices something.

"Look at this," he says "is that period blood?"

The husband looks closer and nods. He then gets close to his wife's vagina and starts sniffing. "It smells like period blood, too" he says.

His friend does the same and agrees. Then he puts his middle finger in her vagina. When he takes it out it's covered in blood. He proceeds to lick it clean. "Definitely period blood."

After doing the same the husband recoils in disgust.

"Gross! Thank god we didn't fuck her!"

Actually, the original version of that joke, before the pedophile priest think took over, involved a dad, a daughter, a brother and plain ol good american incest!

What's the worst thing about eating bald pussy?

Putting the diaper back on.

A little boy was in his room playing with himself, when his father walked in.

"Son! If you masturbate too much, you're gonna go blind!"

"Dad," the boy said, "I'm over here."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q: How many blonde jokes are there?
A: One. The rest are all true stories.

Fuck...that made me sick to my soul!

How did the priest know that the nuns were all on their cycle?


Because he tasted the blood on the alter boy's cock.

nooooo

Yes folks....CHUD went there. And it's not going to apologize for doing so.

We seem to be having some sort of unofficial menstruation joke-off. We've all lost.

Yeah, somebody plug up this thread.

One day this non flying fly was setting on the bank of a stream trying to figure a way across. In the stream was a trout watching the fly, the trout said to himself, if that fly comes down I'll jump up and eat him. Back in the edge of the woods was a bear watching the trout watching the fly, the bear says to himself, if that trout jumps up I'll jump down and eat him. A little further back in the woods is a hunter watching the bear, watching the trout, watching the fly, and the hunter says to himself, if that bear jumps down there I'll jump up and shoot him. A little further back in the woods is a mouse watching the hunter, watching the bear, watching the trout, watching the fly, and the mouse says to himself if that hunter jumps up to shoot that bear he'll drop that sandwich and I'll jump on the sandwich. A little further back in the woods is a cat watching the mouse, watching the hunter, watching the bear, watching the trout, watching the fly, and the cat says to himself, if that mouse jumps on that sandwich, i'll jump on that mouse. Well the fly goes down, the trout jumps up, the bear jumps down, the hunter jumps up and drops his sandwich, the mouse jumps on the sandwich, the cat jumps toward the mouse and misses and falls into the creek and gets wet. So the moral to the story is if the "Fly goes down, the pussy gets wet".

erm...OK

A young cowboy walks into a diner. He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a full bowl of chili.

After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?"

The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, "Nah, you go ahead."

Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili.

The sight was shocking and he immediately barfs up the chili into the bowl.

The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too."

Awesome.

Aww, Dark, you sick mofo.

What did the Grateful Dead fan say when he ran out of weed?

"Man, this music sucks."

Jokes only, Misfit. That post is out of place.

Aww, I like the Dead, and even I giggled at that one.

BLONDE COOKBOOK:


MONDAY

It's fun to cook for Tom. Today I made angel food cake.
The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately.
The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.


TUESDAY

Tom wanted fruit salad for supper.
The recipe said serve without dressing.
So I didn't dress.
What a surprise when Tom brought a friend home for supper!


WENDSDAY

A good day for rice.
The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice.
It seemed kind of silly, but I took a bath anyway.
I can't say it improved the rice any.


THURSDAY

Today Tom asked for salad again.
I tried a new recipe.
It said prepare ingredients;
lay on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving.
Tom asked me why I was rolling around in the garden...

FRIDAY

I found an easy recipe for cookies.
It said put the ingredients in a bowl and beat it.
There must have been something wrong with this recipe.
When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.

SATURDAY

Tom did the shopping today and brought home a chicken.
He asked me to dress it for Sunday.
I don't have any clothes that fit it,
and for some reason Tom keeps counting to ten.

SUNDAY

Tom's folks came to dinner.
I wanted to serve roast but all I had was hamburger.
Suddenly I had a flash of genius...
I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast.
It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.


GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY.
This has been a very exciting week!
I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Tom.
If I can talk Tom into buying a bigger oven,
I would like to surprise him with a chocolate moose.

A doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa.

"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said,
"Wedding Cake."

Bark...that was great. You stuck with it and it came up aces.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

I might add I told the chili joke to Brenda at work today and she nearly puked on the spot. As it turns out, chili is one of her favorite things to eat, and that joke just might have changed her life forever.

Some days it really is worth getting out of bed.

Ta-DAAAAAA!!!!

A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad
bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried
about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him.


The son sees his mom and asks, 'What were you and Dad doing?'


The mother replies, 'Well, you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I
have to get on top of it and help flatten it.'


'Your wasting your time,' said the boy.


'Why is that?' the mom asked puzzled.


'Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her
knees and blows it right back up.

The teacher says, “Children, today I will ask each of you to come to the front of the class and use a word in a sentence. Today’s word is 'beautiful'. Little Sally, would you please come up here and use 'beautiful”'in a sentence?” Little Sally walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said, “Teacher, my mom is the most beautiful woman in the world.” Teacher says, “Very good, Little Sally, you may sit. Little Frankie, your turn.” Little Frankie walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said, “Teacher, the sunrise this morning was the most beautiful sunrise I have ever seen.” Teacher says, “Very good, Little Frankie, you may sit. Little Johnny, it’s your turn.” Little Johnny walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said, “Teacher, last night my big sister told my dad that she was pregnant and he said, 'Beautiful, just f**king beautiful...'"

Here's a prime example of 'Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus' offered by an English professor from the University of Phoenix:


The professor told his class one day, 'Today we will experiment w ith a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. As homework tonight, one of you will write the first paragraph of a short story. You will e-mail your partner that paragraph and send another copy to me. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story and send it back, also sending another copy to me. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back-and-forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking outside of the e-mails and anything you wish to say must be written in the e-mail. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached.'

The following was actually turned in by two of his English students: Rebecca and Gary.

THE STORY

(first paragraph by Rebecca)

At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.

(second paragraph by Gary )

Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. 'A.S. Harris to Geostation 17,' he said into his transgalactic communicator. 'Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far...' But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.

(Rebecca)

He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for ph ysically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. 'Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel,' Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspaper to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. 'Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?' she wondered wistfully..

( Gary )

Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace disarmament Treaty through the congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty
the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam , felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid Laurie.

(Rebecca)

This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.

( Gary )

Yeah? Well, my writing partner is a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literaryequivalent of Valium. 'Oh, shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of FUCKING TEA??? Oh no, what am I to do? I'm such an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels!'

(Rebecca)

Asshole!

( Gary )

Bitch!

(Rebecca)

FUCK YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!

( Gary )

Go drink some tea - whore.

(TEACHER)

A+ I really liked this one.

A man's in the waiting room at the hospital. His wife's been in a horrible car accident.

A doctor walks up to him and asks, "Are you the man whose wife was in a car accident?"

"Yes," the man says.

"Well, I have some bad news. Your wife's been paralyzed from the neck down."

"Oh, my God. She's paralyzed?!"

"No, I'm kidding...she'd dead."

Q: What has eight hairy legs and makes little girls cry?



A: Gang rape.

You registered 3 years ago, and finally decided to post that. Wow.

Worth it.

Hell of a debut.

How do you tell if you have a high sperm count?

Your girlfriend has to chew before she swallows.

A mother and her young son were flying Air New Zealand from Auckland to Sydney.

The little boy who had been quietly looking out the window, turned to his mother and said, 'If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big airplanes have baby airplanes?' The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the flight attendant.
So the boy walked down the aisle and asked the flight attendant, who was busy serving drinks, the same question. She smiled and asked, 'Did your mum tell you to ask me?' The boy answered 'Yes, she did'. 'Well then, you go and tell your mum that there are no baby airplanes because Air New Zealand always pulls out on time. Have your mum explain that to you.

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Bob says to Mike behind him, 'My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor.'
' Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money,' Mike replies.

'There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.

It takes ten seconds and costs $10 - A lot cheaper than a doctor.'

So, Bob deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.

He deposits $10, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

10 seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
'You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in 2 weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.'

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Bob began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.

Bob hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits $10, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!
Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart

Bump!

Q: What did the Jewish Pedophile say to the little girl?



A: You vant to buy a sweetie?

Daddy's banging away at Mommy when little Timmy walks into the bedroom. Daddy looks over, sees Timmy, and starts laughing. Timmy freaks out and runs out of the room.

"Well, I guess I better go check on him," Daddy says, and goes down the hall to Timmy's room.

He opens the door to find Timmy slamming away on Grandma.

"What the hell is going on here?!"

Timmy says "Not so funny when it's your mother, is it?"

What's an 85 year old's vagina taste like?




...Depends

Haven't been keeping up with this one lately, so this might ahve been posted already, but here goes:

__________________________________________________ _______________

Three cross-country skiiers get lost in a blizzard. They can't see three feet in front of them.

"We're all going to die!" says one of them.

Before they completely lose hope they stumble apon an abandoned cabin and barge in, slamming the door. One of them starts a fire in the fireplace. Quickly, the ice and snow on their clothes begin to melt. The guys completely undress, setting their soggy clothes by the fire to dry.

As the night goes on the blizzard shows no signs of stopping.

"Well, looks like we're stuck for the night," says one.

"There's only one bed!" complains another.

"What do you want us to do?"

"He's right," says the third, "Just suck it up and let's go to bed."

The three naked men grugingly pile in to bed and eventually fall asleep. THe next morning everybody wakes up, quite refreshed. The weather has cleared, their clothes are dry, and they're all eager to get a move on.

"See that wasn't so bad was it?" Says the guy in the middle of the bed.

"Yeah, I guess. I had an AWESOME dream though. I dreamt I was fucking Scarlet Johanson in her super-tight asshole!" grins the guy who slept on the left.

"That's crazy,"says the guy on the right, "I had a dream Angelina Jolie was giving be the best handjob I've ever had!"

The two turn to the guy who slept in the middle,"What'd you dream about?"

He says, "I had a dream I was skiing..."

As soon as little Suzy got home from school, she ran to the kitchen to greet her mother. "Mommy, Mommy, Billy showed me his wiener during recess today!"

Her mother was shocked, but refused to get upset. "Oh yeah?" she said.

"Uh huh. It reminded me of a peanut."

"Oh" her mother giggled, "was it small?"

"No, not really", Suzy said thoughtfully, "but it sure was salty!"