Jokes like soap in prison - Page 2

I almost posted that one myself.

Q) What do you call a drummer without a girlfriend?
A) Homeless.

Q) What did the drummer say to get kicked out of the band?
A) "Hey, guys, I wrote a song!"

Q) How many hipsters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A) *scoffs* You mean you don't know?

Q) How many hipsters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A) 100; 1 to screw it in and 99 to bitch about how much cooler the room was dark.

Q) How many gay men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A) Just one, but it takes an entire emergency room to get it out.

Q) How many gay men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A) Two; one to go upstairs to get the lesbian neighbor and another to mix the martinis for all of them.

Q) How many lesbians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A) That's not funny.

thump thump thump thump...

An explorer is walking through the jungle. Everywhere he goes, he hears the distant sound of drumming.

thump thump thump thump...

He finds the sound troubling, but, as long as it's far away, he's not too concerned.

thump thump thump thump...

He comes upon a village, where he is warmly greeted by the locals. They offer him a meal. They all sit down to dine. The explorer is offered the seat of honor next to the village's leader.

thump thump thump thump....

During their meal, the explorer turns to the leader and asks him about the drumming. The leader replies, "Drumming good. We don't want the drumming to stop."

Alarmed, the explorer asks, "Why? What happens when the drumming stops?"

The leader replies, "Bass solo."

~~~~~~
Q. What do you do if a bassist shows up on your front porch?

A. Pay him for the pizza.

~~~~~
Q. What's the difference between a donkey and a bassist?

A. A donkey bucks up its feet and a bassist...

~~~~~
(to be fair)

Q. What do you call a guy who hangs out with a bunch of musicians?

A. A drummer.

What's the difference between a dead drummer in the road and a dead cat in the road?

There are skid marks where somebody tried to miss the cat.

ALTERNATE PUNCHLINE

The cat was on his way to a gig.

Prefer that punchline.

Fred Willard on Letterman
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r1K_ogFQOM0

I love that man.

Thanks for those (bassist jokes) Zooey. Made my man's day. Although a little frowny face at the last joke.

Okay, I know you're probably all sick of the blonde jokes, but I love 'em!

A blonde is sick and tired of people assuming she's dumb just because she's a blonde. She decides to see if she'd get a little more respect from people if she were a brunette. So she dyes her hair dark brown, and goes out into the world to test her theory.

She walks past a farm with a full herd of cows, boldly marches up to the farmer and says, "I'd like to place a bet with you. If I can guess exactly how many cows you have in your herd, I get to keep one."

The old farmer scratches his chin, nods and says, "Okay, little lady. You've got a bet. Go ahead."

So she whips out a calculator, does a little long division, some multiplication, etc., and then announces to the farmer, "You've got exactly 217 cows in your herd!"

The old farmer is amazed. "Well, that's impressive. And I never go back on a bet - so you go ahead, little lady, go on out there and pick out which cow you want to take home with you."

She happily heads out to the field, makes her selection, waves goodbye to the farmer, and heads home.

An hour or so later, there's a knock at her door. She answers it, and it's the old farmer, looking at her suspiciously through narrowed eyes. She greets him and says, "Hi! What can I do for you?"

He nods his head, and says, "Uh-huh. Now I'LL place a bet with YOU. If I can guess your actual hair color, can I have my dog back?"

Q: What do vacuum cleaners and snowboards have in common?
A: They both have dirtbags attached to them.

Q: What do you call a Filipino contortionist?
A: A Manilla Folder.

Q: What's the best part of showering with a twelve year old?
A: You can slick their hair back and make them look ten.

A man visits his doctor, and is told he only has 24 hours to live. Despondent, the man rushes home to tell his wife. With tears in her eyes, she asks him "what do you want to do?"

"Honey", says the man, "let's make love like never before". So they run to the bedroom, and for the next eight hours, they make the wildest, passionate, love they ever made to each other.

Panting, the wife turns to her husband and says "OK, what next?" "Baby," says the guy, "Let's keep going! Let's keep making LOVE!" So for the next eight hours, they keep on keeping on, the hottest, steamiest sex ever.

Damn near exhausted, the woman turns to her husband "OK, now what?" "Aw, baby, " says the guy, "let's keep going! More, sweetie! MORE!!!"

"Hey!" yells the wife, "Look, pal, you don't have to get up in the morning!"

Jesus Christ.

How do you make a blonde's eyes sparkle?

Shine a flashlight in her ear.

* * *

What does a blonde wear behind her ears?

Her ankles.

(In a similar vein)

Why do blondes wear hoop earrings?

So they can stick their high heels in them.

This joke was alot funnier A) if you could hear me do it in person, because I can do a great Ronald Reagan imitation, and B) back when Ronald Reagan was still alive. But bear with me:

Ronald Reagan phones O.J. Simpson after O.J. was cleared of the murder charges in the first trial.

"Weell, O.J., I can't tell you how thrilled Nancy and I were that you were cleared of all of these horrible charges. You know, O.J., all through the trial, Nancy and I wept and prayed that you'd be found innocent. And now, O.J., now that this terrible ordeal is over, weeeell, Nancy and I would be thrilled if you and Nicole would come over for dinner one of these nights."

(I know - so bad, I suck, I'm going to hell.)

Eh...I liked it.

I snickered, so I'll save you an aisle seat on the trip down.

You bring snacks, I'll bring magazines.

This is the worst joke I know:

What's the best part about fucking twenty six year olds?

There's twenty of them!

Q:

How do you get a 12-year-old girl pregnant?

A:

Fuck her.

I told that one at our annual Hanukkah party. The person I told it to is most likely still simultaneously laughing and looking at me weird.

Timothy and I will look for a three-seater on the Hell Express so you can sit with us.

Okay, if we're going for the worst jokes we know, here's mine (don't say I didn't warn you):

Q. What's the difference between a Jew and a pizza.

A. Pizza doesn't scream when you throw it in the oven.

And more Holocaust humor:

Q. Why didn't Hitler drink?

A. It made him mean.

A big point of pride for my two older brothers when we were kids was that they'd taught me every Helen Keller joke by the time I was seven. My mother wasn't thrilled, but they were.

How did Helen Keller's mother punish her?
She re-arranged all the furniture.

How else did Helen Keller's mother punish her?
She put doorknobs on all the walls (I love that one).

How did Helen Keller burn her face?
She tried to answer the iron.

How did Helen Keller burn her fingers?
She tried to read the waffle iron.

What did Helen Keller name her dog?
"Mrfopfpfffommppphhop"

Why did Helen Keller's dog run away from home?
You'd run away from home too if your name was "Mrfopfpfffommppphhop".

Why was Helen Keller's leg yellow?
The dog was blind too.

Why did Helen Keller play piano with one hand?
So she could sing with the other.

Why did Helen Keller masturbate with one hand?
So she could moan with the other (and no, my brothers didn't teach me that one - my friends did, when I was about 12!)

How did she burn the other side of her face?

They called back.

How do you get away with raping Helen Keller?

Break the bitch's fingers so she can't tell anyone.

Dammit, Zooey! I was gonna post that one!

I've forgotten about the Helen Keller jokes.

Oh, if we're doing Helen Keller jokes, we forgot the most famous one:

Q: Why couldn't Helen Keller drive?

A: Because she's a fucking woman!

I'll bring the popcorn!

I absolutely guarantee you that I have the worst pedophilia joke you've ever heard or read. I would stake my bank account on it.

It is so bad that I absolutely refuse to have it permanently recorded in any way associable with me. Ask me in the chat one of these days if you want to hear it.

Just PM me. I'll post them.

Renn...may you burn a thousand years and then burn a thousand more for that one.

Don't curse me you bastard! You've heard it too! It's foul concept has tainted your ears! You've heard it....

... you can't unhear it.

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed?

"Breast-fed," she replied.

"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.

She did.

He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk."


"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."

Q) What's the best part about ****ing a 10-year-old girl?
A) Roll her over, and she's a ten-year-old boy.

I can top that.

I'm not going to.

A man owns a parrot who can understand and speak perfect English. The parrot, however, was born with no legs so he uses his wang to hang on to his perch. I dunno how he does it, he just does.

Well, one day the man comes home from work and the bird calls him over.

"I got some bad news," he says. "What? What's wrong?" the man asks.

"Your wife, man. She, well, she brought a man home today. At first it was innocent, they just watched tv. Then they started gettin cozy and next thing you know they started making out. Before I knew what was going on, she was completely naked."

The bird got kinda quiet.

"WELL!?" The man shouted. "What hapened then?"

"I don't know," the bird said. "My dick got hard and I fell off the perch."

In the interests of full disclosure, I had to consult with my girlfriend immediately after posting that to make sure that I am not, in fact, a horrible, wretched person.

Jury's still out.

Topping a ten-year-old is no great feat.

A seventy-year-old man went to the doctor for his annual physical, during the course of which the physician obtained the usual blood and urine samples. Wanting a complete set of bodily products, the doctor sent the man home with a bag for a stool sample and a jar for a semen sample.

The man returned a few days later, handed the doctor the bag with the stool sample and then stood there sheepishly.

"Where is the semen sample?" the doctor asked.

"Doc, I'm sorry," replied the old man. "I tried, my wife tried, we tried for over an hour. Hell, she even used her mouth at one point -"

"There's no need to feel bad," said the doctor. "Many men are impotent at your age."

"I'm not impotent, you schmuck, I couldn't get the goddamn jar open."

A little boy is standing on top of a cliff, looking down at the sea and crying his eyes out. A priest approaches and says, "My child, why are you so upset?"

The little boy turns to him and says, "My mummy and daddy were in their car -- and it just rolled over the cliff and smashed on the rocks down there."

The priest slowly looks around him while unbuttoning his cassock and says, "It's just not your day, is it?"

Those jokes are about a 5 and a 2 (respectively) on the "you're going to hell" scale. This is relative to the joke I told Doc.

Tease

The worst joke I ever read I read on Chud and it was:
Q: What do you get when you stab a baby?

A: An Erection.

Q: What's worse than a pile of dead babies?

A: The one at the bottom trying to eat his way out.


Q: What's worse than that?

A: He made it.


Q: What's worse than that?

A: He went back for seconds.


Q: Why do women have such small feet?

A: ...to fit in between the sink and the kitchen floor.


Q: Why should driving be forbidden for women?

A: There isn't a road in between the bedroom and the kitchen.

ETA - Q: What's more fun than stapling a baby to the wall?

A: Peeling it back off again.

A bus full of nuns crashed off a cliff, and there were a line of them waiting to get through the pearly gates. St. Peter asks the first one if she's ever seen a penis, and she says "Yes, one time I did, sir." St. Peter tells her to wash out her eyes with holy water from the fountain before entering heaven.

He asks the next nun if she's ever touched a penis, and she admits that she did once. St. Peter tells her to wash her hands with holy water from the fountain before entering heaven.

Suddenly there's a bit of pushing and shoving in the line, and St. Peter asks "What's going on here?!"

One of the nuns replied, "I just wanted to drink from the fountain before Sister Mary put her ass in there...."

Q: What's the hardest thing about being a pedophile?

A: Fitting in.

More from John Fox:
A newlywed couple is about to consumate their marriage. The husband turns to his wife and says "Honey? how about a little BJ action?" "No," says the wife, "I never had to when we were dating, it's our wedding night, and I wouldn't want you to lose respect for me." The husband, touched, says "OK".

On their 20th wedding anniversary, the couple is getting ready to "celebrate" when the husband asks "Honey? Howsabout a lil' BJ action?" Again, the wife says "No, it's our anniversary - a special night, and I wouldn't want you to lose respect." Husband, touched by her honesty, says "OK".

On their 50th wedding anniversary, the husband turns to his wife in bed and says "Honey? Howsabout a nobjob damnit!" The wife responds "No, its' a special night, and I wouldn't want you to lose respect." The husband starts begging "PLEASE! It's been 50 years! We may not have too much time together! It'll be the last thing I ever ask of you. PLEASE!"

Touched, the wife says "OK". She gives him the blowjob to end all blowjobs - he has to pull the sheets out of his asshole. Spent, the husband, big smile on his face, relaxes on the bed. The phone rings, he answers, turns to his wife, and says "It's for you, cocksucker!"

The punchline goes so incredible well with your Avatar Timothy.

From the Amazing Jonathan (paraphrased):

Jack goes over to his friend's house, and to his surprise there is a brand new Lexus in the driveway. Confused, Jack knocks on the front door, and it is answered by this GORGEOUS young woman dressed in the slinkiest lingerie known to man. Surprised, Jack asks, "Is Steve home?" The woman smiles and nods her head yes, and goes to get Steve. Steve comes to the door, and Jack is shocked to see that Steve now has a giant, round orange head.

"What the hell happened to you, man," exclaims Jack.

"Well," Steve says, "I found this old lamp, and when I rubbed it, a Genii popped out and told me he was granting me three wishes. So for my first wish, I wished to be a billionaire. That's how I was able to buy the Lexus out front."

"Makes sense," Jack says.

"For my second wish," continues Steve," I wished for a sexy young wife, and that's where she came from."

"I see," says Jack, nodding.

Steve sighs, and says, "For my third wish, and this is where I think I went horribly awry, I wished for a giant, round orange head."

********

And another one from the Amazing Jonathan:

This little girl walks in on her father in the shower, and points at his penis and says, "Daddy, what's that?" He clears he throat nervously, and decides to tell the truth. "Well honey, that's daddy's penis."

"Oh," says the little girl. "When am I going to get one of those."

"Well dear," says the man, smiling, "as soon as mommy goes to the mall."