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Kevin Matchstick's Blog

post #1 of 77
3/8/08 at 3:07pm
Thread Starter 
http://chud.com/articles/blogs/240/Turtle-Rescue.html

I'll answer any questions you may have regarding this incident.
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post #2 of 77
3/8/08 at 3:21pm
But wait, how did the story end?

Did the turtle like the lake? Did it stay?
Do you have it at home?
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post #3 of 77
3/8/08 at 3:23pm
No questions. But I would like to say that in a week which has had its share of animal cruelty, that tale of rescue was a joy to read.
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post #4 of 77
3/8/08 at 3:29pm
Thread Starter 
Thanks, Molt.

Tati - I ended up setting him down in a nice bed of grass pointed towards the lake. I waited a bit, but he didn't move. He was still in full agoraphobia-mode when I left him. Hopefully he came to his senses and slid back into the water. For some reason, I figured it would be rude to just plop him into the lake. Maybe that would have been for the best, though.
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post #5 of 77
3/8/08 at 3:31pm
I hope to see more blogs from you in the future. I was wondering when you'd start one up.
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post #6 of 77
3/8/08 at 3:41pm
Awesome. Though you left out the part about spray painting "LFO 4EVA" on his back before you let him go.
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post #7 of 77
3/9/08 at 8:23am
Wonderful.
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post #8 of 77
3/9/08 at 8:59am
So great. Do more of these. Now.
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post #9 of 77
3/10/08 at 12:11pm
The sad irony is this prompted the banner ad for mail order turtles.
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post #10 of 77
3/10/08 at 12:12pm
Yeah, just wanted to add my praise. One of the best Chud blogs yet, and we definitely need more of them out of you!
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post #11 of 77
3/10/08 at 12:14pm
Epic.

I await more with baited breath.
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post #12 of 77
3/10/08 at 12:18pm
“Do turtles hiss?”

I want to hug your head and muss your hair. A truly entertaining read.
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post #13 of 77
3/10/08 at 1:12pm
Nicely done. It reminds me slighty of this section of Italo Calvino's Mr. Palomar.
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post #14 of 77
3/10/08 at 1:47pm
The world needs more sandwich-turtles. Thank you for this, Sir Matchstick.
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post #15 of 77
3/10/08 at 2:56pm
YOU absolutely need to blog more often.

Every day.

Please.

Promise?

Because that was awesome. "A starched shirt."
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post #16 of 77
3/10/08 at 3:59pm
Thread Starter 
Thanks for the kind replies (reptiles), folks. And for not making fun of my pre-turtle grab hesitation.
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post #17 of 77
3/10/08 at 4:05pm
There is no shame in pre-turtle grab hesitation. I was in a similar situation once (I was on my way home, not to work) and did the same thing. Great story, Turtle Savior.
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post #18 of 77
3/10/08 at 4:37pm
Without a doubt you are one of the best posters on this sad old message board and now you're one of the best bloggers...and after only one post.
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post #19 of 77
3/11/08 at 9:37am
More, please.

It's the last time I'm asking nicely.
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post #20 of 77
3/12/08 at 4:18am
Oh man, that was something else.

That was a God among blog postings sir.
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post #21 of 77
3/12/08 at 9:33am
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jakespeare View Post
That was a God among blog postings sir.
Seriously. There are turtles all around the world waving their disposable bic lighters in the air, swaying ever so gently to and fro, to that blog. They're just doing that very, very slowly.
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post #22 of 77
3/12/08 at 11:55am
The ending is still making me laugh thinking about it. This is better even than your myspace blog about slapping trees high five.
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post #23 of 77
3/12/08 at 1:17pm
Why didn't I read that sooner? Great stuff.
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post #24 of 77
3/12/08 at 1:29pm
"Hissing, pissing", Christ that was a funny read.
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post #25 of 77
3/12/08 at 3:21pm
I enjoyed the hell out of that.
Thanks
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post #26 of 77
3/12/08 at 3:33pm
He giggled.
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post #27 of 77
3/12/08 at 4:56pm
Nice one Kevin, and a good counterpoint to the one (Dev's, I think?) with the video of the dog jumping out of the moving car.
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post #28 of 77
3/12/08 at 5:03pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Patrick Ripoll View Post
This is better even than your myspace blog about slapping trees high five.
I remember that. I'm laughing about that now, too.

Gotta agree that you should keep up the good work, Matchstick.
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post #29 of 77
4/30/08 at 2:06pm
Thread Starter 
http://chud.com/articles/blogs/367/Shoe-Thief.html

I'll answer any questions you may have regarding this incident as well.
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post #30 of 77
4/30/08 at 2:13pm
When I scrolled down from the picture of Greed Dan* to the picture of Green Dan with Popcorn, I L'ed OL. Heartily.

*I was going to edit this to correct the spelling, but I kind of like the idea of Greed Dan being out there, too.
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post #31 of 77
4/30/08 at 2:16pm
Actual size.

Thanks again for another great read.
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post #32 of 77
4/30/08 at 2:17pm
Amazing. Please, start doing these more often.

The comparison between your garage and blockbuster was terrific.

Actual size killed me.
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post #33 of 77
4/30/08 at 2:20pm
Even with your shoes now safe you should still go with the "glue thumb tacks and nails or other spiky things" shoe-bait plan as well. Documenting that could make for another good blog entry down the road. Plus, it's not like the shoe thief could go to the cops because then they'd end up doing time for their shoe thievery.
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post #34 of 77
4/30/08 at 2:36pm
I never really understood the appeal of blogs until I read your entries.

Just amazing. Immaculately written, hilarious, visual - a complete joy to read.

Keep up the great work!
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post #35 of 77
4/30/08 at 2:41pm
Matchstick certainly takes you for a ride. I felt the highs and the lows as the story progressed. Even though they're just shoes, it sucks to be violated like that. I'm glad it wasn't more serious. Here's to Green Dan, protector of the shoe bin!
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post #36 of 77
4/30/08 at 3:31pm
"The shoes on my feet sadly look on as the other shoes bond."

I'm sore I'm laughing so hard. Well done you great human being you.
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post #37 of 77
4/30/08 at 4:32pm
I really, really wished you'd made a pair of "Cruel Shoes" - complete with the hidden camcorder. It could be a secondary security system - Green Dan is going to want to go on vacation at some point!

Please blog more often - this was great, the turtle one was awesome, and we just want more, dammit!
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post #38 of 77
4/30/08 at 4:36pm
Green Dan looks as though he was visited by the Green Fairy.

Great stuff (and welcome distraction from work)!!
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post #39 of 77
4/30/08 at 6:21pm
Not to add to the fears, but for how long exactly did you have the new new shoes? A few weeks? I'd be more worried that this person makes your carport a regular stop and browses through your belongings on a semi-regular basis. Try adding some other items runners desire like cups of water or mesh shorts and see what happens.
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post #40 of 77
4/30/08 at 6:27pm
Thread Starter 
It's creepy, but I'm not too worried about it. My Dad had the same reaction, but what can you really do? I guess just not leave stuff outside, unprotected. Or booby trap some shoes. Anyway, when I drive through the neighborhood, I've been slowing to check out ladies' feet. So I'm probably picking up a reputation as a foot fetishist. Which I am, so it's ironic.

Thanks for reading, folks.
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post #41 of 77
4/30/08 at 6:32pm
I don't know where in the midwest you hail from, but here in lovely Indiana we also have carports. Although it doesn't seem to be a practical thing, just slapped onto some houses where a garage would be impractical. "Look honey, rudimentary shelter for our car, but piss poor cover for when Danny wants to sneak out and smoke a joint. Perfect."

Great stuff, by the way.
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post #42 of 77
4/30/08 at 6:36pm
Thread Starter 
I grew up in a house in Champaign, IL. Garages as far as the eye could see. There were probably carports, but they never massed up and pronounced themselves like they do here in Georgia. They entered into my vocabulary once I stomped around some of Atlanta's older neighborhoods. Now my wife wants to turn ours into a garage. I'm not having it. How will people get shoes? And how then will I make them bleed?
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post #43 of 77
4/30/08 at 7:20pm
"Copies of the comic strip Shoe" = Genius!

Also, loved the "lucid dreaming/hidden camera" bit.
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post #44 of 77
4/30/08 at 9:23pm
My only hope is that your shoe guardian was born with no feet, and you didn't just have them removed to avoid temptation.
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post #45 of 77
6/6/08 at 4:49pm
Just bumping this because I'd love to see another blog from you, Matchstick. I just re-read both the turtle and the shoe ones, and we just have to have more.
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post #46 of 77
6/6/08 at 4:55pm
Dammit Lisa
I thought there was a new one!

Now my weekend is ruined!
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post #47 of 77
6/6/08 at 4:59pm
Thread Starter 
You guys are the best! I have two in the works. Look for em in 2009! In the meantime, I just wrote a One Missed Call DVD review and included a blog-ish type section about my local Blockbuster.

http://chud.com/articles/articles/14...ALL/Page1.html
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post #48 of 77
6/6/08 at 5:09pm
Quote:
I saw a man make a P2 grab. And when he pulled his arm back, three One Missed Call DVDs cases were stuck to his forearm.

Awesome.

No score for the review?

Please write more.
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post #49 of 77
6/6/08 at 5:14pm
Thread Starter 
Thanks for catching that. Going to put it in right now.
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post #50 of 77
6/6/08 at 5:18pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kevin Matchstick
And, thusly, we are introduced to the clumsy curse. Here’s how it works, more or less:

1. Friend A Dies.
2. Friend B receives a call from dead Friend A but cannot answer the call. That shit goes straight to voicemail.
3. Friend B retrieves the message, which is somehow from Friend B’s future self. The message contains Friend B’s last words and death noises. There is a date and timestamp on the message so the victim knows exactly when death’s icy hand will reach out and touch him or her.
4. Rent something other than this.
Seriously, write more. I promise I won't make fun of Tranny Clown anymore!
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