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Fellow breeders, let us sicken everyone with talk of our spawn

post #1 of 139
3/13/08 at 3:15pm
Thread Starter 
So I became a dad for the second time on March 3. A girl has joined her 4.5 year old brother. One of each. We're done. She's great so far, and seems to be a much more laid back baby than our son was.

My wife almost bled out in delivery, and the baby was a bit jaundiced and had to be on a light blanket for a week, so right now I'm just very happy that everyone is actually alive and healthy.

More when I get enough sleep for actual coherent thoughts.
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post #2 of 139
3/13/08 at 3:19pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Eyeball Kid View Post
My wife almost bled out in delivery,
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post #3 of 139
3/13/08 at 3:23pm
Thread Starter 
Yeah, that was about the look on my face when I realized things were getting very fucking dire. She didn't have to go to the OR, but it was a close thing.
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post #4 of 139
3/13/08 at 3:36pm
Congrats on the new addition (and glad everyone is healthy and home now).
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post #5 of 139
3/13/08 at 3:39pm
Congrats on the family!

(Christ, this shit is coming. Fast.)
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post #6 of 139
3/13/08 at 3:46pm
Congratulations on the new soft-noggin'ed person!
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post #7 of 139
3/13/08 at 3:55pm
Mrs H is due on April 24 and I am personally scared shitless. Not only about the baby arriving but because we still have way too many renovations to do before the little Peanut gets here.

I am excited about being a dad mainly because I think I'll make a pretty decent one. I had a fun childhood so I'm hoping that I can give the same to my little one.

It's also partly because a few years ago I was told I would never be a dad. I have a genetic anomaly (microdeletion) that results in azoospermia. Thankfully, through the amazing fertility clinic in town we were able to find another way to have a child.

So, I guess I'm feeling kinda lucky that in a few short weeks I'll have a son or daughter but I'm also scared at the same time.
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post #8 of 139
3/13/08 at 4:01pm
Congrats, Eyeball!
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post #9 of 139
3/13/08 at 4:06pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Eyeball Kid View Post
One of each. We're done.
Now you can breed them.
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post #10 of 139
3/13/08 at 4:49pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by MikeShaynePI View Post
Now you can breed them.
And have them fight!

I'd like to refer to Swicegood's sig in this situation. Swice! Where you at?
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post #11 of 139
3/13/08 at 6:26pm
I just taught my 20-month old son to say the word "Dude". It is now a key part of his lexicon with car, banana, backpack, Dora, bye, sippy and numerous animal sounds. I now tell everyone his favorite movie is The Big Lebowski.
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post #12 of 139
3/13/08 at 7:30pm
I remember teaching my then about 2 year old brother how to do the fonz thumbs with his trademark "ehhhhh!" and then he would do it all the time
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post #13 of 139
3/13/08 at 7:59pm
Babies are exhausting. And wonderful. But mostly exhausting.

Last night, my three month old finally went six straight hours without needing his diaper changed. Yay.
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post #14 of 139
3/13/08 at 10:41pm
Congratulations!
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post #15 of 139
3/13/08 at 10:45pm
My eleven-year-old knows that the life of a repo man is intense, does that count?

Grats, Eyeball!
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post #16 of 139
3/13/08 at 11:05pm
Congratultions on the new addition!
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post #17 of 139
3/13/08 at 11:14pm
On the subject of delivery room horrors, nobody warned me about what came out AFTER the baby (or I had just forgotten...6 of one...). I'm totally squeamish when it comes to things like this and could not watch the delivery for fear of passing out, so I stayed up by my (now ex-)wife's head - she was holding my hand as much as I was holding hers. Haha.

At any rate, as soon as the baby is born I let my guard down and move further down the bed to get a better look at her. And sure enough, some...stuff...just shoots out from between Jenn's legs and plops onto the floor or wherever it was that it landed. Have you ever ALMOST blacked out? Like you could see everything fading to black and then come back into focus? That was me. Awful. But then I remembered I had a brand new baby girl and everything was okay again.
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post #18 of 139
3/14/08 at 10:26am
Quote:
Originally Posted by JGButler View Post
At any rate, as soon as the baby is born I let my guard down and move further down the bed to get a better look at her. And sure enough, some...stuff...just shoots out from between Jenn's legs and plops onto the floor or wherever it was that it landed. Have you ever ALMOST blacked out? Like you could see everything fading to black and then come back into focus? That was me. Awful. But then I remembered I had a brand new baby girl and everything was okay again.
Dude, no one warned you about the placenta? Rough.

I am now so ridiculously well read on the birth process that I'm fairly sure I could deliver the baby myself...or, at least, that's what I tell myself. I am fairly sure I'll turn into a quivering mess at the first sight of anything disgusting.
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post #19 of 139
3/14/08 at 10:48am
My wife is due in July with our first kids. Yes, I said kids. We are having twin girls. As far as the birthing goes, there is a high chance of C-section being needed so it isn't very likely I will experience the birth like some of you have. On the other hand, I get to experience two girls becoming teenagers at the same time. God help me.
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post #20 of 139
3/14/08 at 11:36am
I have a 10 month old that was born last May. He's my first and a hell of a lot of fun now that he sleeps, doesn't shit quite so much, and can stand up and make squinty devious grin faces at me. What I enjoy more than anything is how he can get ridiculously confused or elated at seemingly boring things...like empty space.

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post #21 of 139
3/14/08 at 11:46am
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dan Baker View Post
My wife is due in July with our first kids. Yes, I said kids. We are having twin girls. As far as the birthing goes, there is a high chance of C-section being needed so it isn't very likely I will experience the birth like some of you have. On the other hand, I get to experience two girls becoming teenagers at the same time. God help me.
Congrats and god speed, my good man! That's my worst nightmare right there! Twin boys would be fine, twin girls would just mean the universe hates me. Why? I would so be wrapped around their fingers it wouldn't be funny.

Due to the fertility treatments plus twins running on my wife's side of the family we increased our chance of having multiple births by 300 percent. I was never so happy as when the doctor only found one heartbeat and then had an ultrasound confirm one child. My very tiny wife was doubly happy!
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post #22 of 139
3/14/08 at 11:48am


"Dude, I am so tripping balls right now!"
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post #23 of 139
3/14/08 at 11:57am
Oddly enough, we are having twins because of fertility treatment. My wife is only about 5'2 or 5'3 and according to her doctor might have to be on bed rest for the months of May and June and part of July until the wee ones show up. It has already started getting rough on her, she is 5 months along but is the size of a normal pregnancy at 7 months. Needless to say she is not a happy camper.
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post #24 of 139
3/14/08 at 12:57pm
Congrats Kid!

My wife is 5' 2" and our son's shoulders were so broad that my wife tore (that's right... TORE!) from front to back, so I understand where you're coming from on the bleeding. Our doctor spent an hour and a half stitching her back up and told me in confidence that it was touch and go for a bit with her because of the blood loss. Today, she's great, my son's great and being a father is still great.
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post #25 of 139
3/14/08 at 2:07pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by JGButler View Post
On the subject of delivery room horrors, nobody warned me about what came out AFTER the baby (or I had just forgotten...6 of one...). I'm totally squeamish when it comes to things like this and could not watch the delivery for fear of passing out, so I stayed up by my (now ex-)wife's head - she was holding my hand as much as I was holding hers. Haha.

At any rate, as soon as the baby is born I let my guard down and move further down the bed to get a better look at her. And sure enough, some...stuff...just shoots out from between Jenn's legs and plops onto the floor or wherever it was that it landed. Have you ever ALMOST blacked out? Like you could see everything fading to black and then come back into focus? That was me. Awful. But then I remembered I had a brand new baby girl and everything was okay again.
My best friend from high school and his wife just had their first baby in October (see the Chewervision thread for a picture of the little whippersnapper and his weird Aunt Lisa, taken last weekend when I went to visit them). When I talked to him on the phone right after the baby was born, I said, "How was it?" First you have to understand - this is one of the most insanely nice, soft-spoken guys on this planet. A sweeter guy, who has always wanted nothing more than to be married and start a family, you won't come across. His response to my question: "Oh, my GOD, it was so gross! It stunk, and there was blood and feces and mucus and slime EVERYWHERE! Y'know, I really honestly thought that was when I'd pass out more than the birth itself! I can honestly understand why some people just never want to go through this, it was a horror show!" I said, "So is he going to be an only child?" He says, at that point, calmly as anything, like he hadn't been describing a restroom on the interstate, "Oh, we'd love more - yeah, we'd like about three, I think."
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post #26 of 139
3/14/08 at 2:23pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dan Baker View Post
Oddly enough, we are having twins because of fertility treatment. My wife is only about 5'2 or 5'3 and according to her doctor might have to be on bed rest for the months of May and June and part of July until the wee ones show up. It has already started getting rough on her, she is 5 months along but is the size of a normal pregnancy at 7 months. Needless to say she is not a happy camper.
Your wife has our sympathy. And you have mine as I know the workload that accumulates a few weeks before hand. Doubly so when your wife can't help out.

I'm still pretty sure that the third trimester exists solely to make sure you're used to getting absolutely no sleep. A tossy turny wife in bed (trying to get comfy) combined with stress about getting all the paraphernalia together plus redoing a room (gotta love the nesting phase) so it's a nursery all adds up to very little sleep. I'm not dealing a lot with clients right now as I'm a little punchy and apparently my socially acceptable filter is off. (I used the phrase "I don't care if it's made from melted kittens, will it protect my kid?" while talking to my wife in reference to a car seat in front of one client the other day)
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post #27 of 139
3/14/08 at 2:55pm
Yeah, my wife isn't even into the third trimester but she can't sleep and she gets tired whenever she is up and about for more than 10 minutes at a time. We have dropped two grand on our house in the last month to build a second bathroom, put new carpet in where it is needed, and redo the spare room as the nursery. My dad and I have done all of this ourselves as well.

My wife is sometimes a little high-strung but I counter it by being mostly laid back. That has all gone out the window. She freaks because she doesn't think we will have the money to fix everything we want to and then she freaks because I am not very good at building or doing manly type things. I freak out because she freaks out and then my dad sits and laughs and laughs. He says it was the same way when my mom was pregnant with me and they were getting ready. It's great and I am happy but man is it stressful.
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post #28 of 139
3/14/08 at 3:11pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dan Baker View Post
Yeah, my wife isn't even into the third trimester but she can't sleep and she gets tired whenever she is up and about for more than 10 minutes at a time. We have dropped two grand on our house in the last month to build a second bathroom, put new carpet in where it is needed, and redo the spare room as the nursery. My dad and I have done all of this ourselves as well.

My wife is sometimes a little high-strung but I counter it by being mostly laid back. That has all gone out the window. She freaks because she doesn't think we will have the money to fix everything we want to and then she freaks because I am not very good at building or doing manly type things. I freak out because she freaks out and then my dad sits and laughs and laughs. He says it was the same way when my mom was pregnant with me and they were getting ready. It's great and I am happy but man is it stressful.
That all sounds familiar, Dan (right down to the not being very good at the renovations thing). If I lived anywhere near Ohio I'd drop by with a few beer and commiserate.

Thankfully for us, the one thing we do have is incredibly gifted and generous friends and family. My brother-in-law installed our new floors, my buddy Shawn is one of the most talented wood workers I've ever met (new counter tops, new closets and baseboards) and we have a group of people coming over this weekend to paint a mural in the nursery and put together furniture.

My apologies to Eyeball Kid for turning his happy little thread into a "man, does pregnancy suck" thread. Honestly, I'm very happy but sometimes ya gotta vent!
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post #29 of 139
3/14/08 at 3:31pm
Yeah, reading these I'm like, 'Man does pregnancy suck.' Granted, I only have the stories to go off of but...daaaaaaaaamn.
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post #30 of 139
3/14/08 at 3:36pm
Sorry about taking this down the wrong tracks. I will stop complaining now.

Hooray for babies.
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post #31 of 139
3/14/08 at 3:48pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jim Kelly View Post
Congrats Kid!

My wife is 5' 2" and our son's shoulders were so broad that my wife tore (that's right... TORE!) from front to back, so I understand where you're coming from on the bleeding. Our doctor spent an hour and a half stitching her back up and told me in confidence that it was touch and go for a bit with her because of the blood loss. Today, she's great, my son's great and being a father is still great.
I'm 5'0". I'm 99% positive that no child will rip through my vagina. Maybe I'll have a C-section, maybe I'll adopt, but pushing something the size of a bowling ball out my lady parts is not something I see happening in my lifetime. I'll have to have a damn persuasive partner to convince me otherwise.
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post #32 of 139
3/14/08 at 5:29pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Diva View Post
I'm 5'0". I'm 99% positive that no child will rip through my vagina. Maybe I'll have a C-section, maybe I'll adopt, but pushing something the size of a bowling ball out my lady parts is not something I see happening in my lifetime. I'll have to have a damn persuasive partner to convince me otherwise.
I hear it's like the petals of a flower unfurling...*





*...but I know BULLSHIT when I hear it; even without the required anatomy...
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post #33 of 139
3/14/08 at 6:06pm
So it's petals of a flower unfurling... which are then immediately ransacked by a hive of angry bees that rape and pillage it like Viking conquerors.
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post #34 of 139
3/14/08 at 9:13pm
My wife is due on April 22nd, so we've been going to these hospital-sponsored baby classes. You're supposed to practice diapering on a doll or stuffed animal, so:






Let's just say you get some weird looks when you're putting a diaper a denizen of R'lyeh.
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post #35 of 139
3/14/08 at 9:17pm
My wife is delivering my first child in September.

The rest of my life looks to be Horrifying and Amesome.
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post #36 of 139
3/15/08 at 12:06pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Andrew Collins View Post
My wife is delivering my first child in September.

The rest of my life looks to be Horrifying and Amesome.
Oh, yes...
Prepare for the AMESOMENESS!!

Seriously, congrats!
(...and wave bye-bye...)
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post #37 of 139
4/2/08 at 11:56pm
I figured Chewer parents would get a kick out of these:

Three year old girl is asked about monsters

Parents torturing their babies by making them taste lemons
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post #38 of 139
4/3/08 at 11:17am
We gave my daughter a lemon slice when she was 1 year old, with the camera at the ready. She happily ate all of the pulp and wanted another one.
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post #39 of 139
4/21/08 at 5:42pm
Son: "Dad, what's a barbarian?"

Me: "Great question, son. The word dates back to ancient times, when Greeks and Romans referred to everyone not of their cultures as barbarians. In fact, there's a famous guy named Herodotus who wrote a book about the history of the ancient world, and he used the word to describe many interesting civilizations of West and Central Asia. Though so-called barbarian civilizations were often as sophisticated and advanced as Greco-Roman civilization, the word came to connotate a lack of sophistication, education, and respect for manners and rights. Today, we say someone is a barbarian if that person's actions are outside the commonly accepted bounds of decency."

Son (humming under his breath): "Dad, could you say that again? I stopped listening."

Me: "It's a big guy with a sword."

Son: "Thanks. Dad, why is it Monsters, Inc. and not Monsters, LLC?"

Me: "Ask your mother."
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post #40 of 139
4/23/08 at 5:24pm
So, I have discovered there are trade offs with kids. L'il K feeds every three hours (nice for sleep), she's easy to entertain, she sleeps easily, and she took to nursing with Mrs H like a duck to water but she's a screamer. Before every feeding she has to yell (and I mean YELL!!!) for a good three to four minutes. Mrs H jokes that she's screaming the breast into submission.

Other than that, eight days in and I think she's a keeper.

Oh, and she got back to birth weight this afternoon. Yay!
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post #41 of 139
4/23/08 at 5:25pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by FrankCobretti View Post
Son: "Dad, what's a barbarian?"

Me: "Great question, son. The word dates back to ancient times, when Greeks and Romans referred to everyone not of their cultures as barbarians. In fact, there's a famous guy named Herodotus who wrotea a book about the history of the ancient world, and he used the word to describe many interesting civilizations of West and Central Asia. Though so-called barbarian civilizations were often as sophisticated and advanced as Greco-Roman civilization, the word came to connotate a lack of sophistication, education, and respect for manners and rights. Today, we say someone is a barbarian if that person's actions are outside the commonly accepted bounds of decency."

Son (humming under his breath): "Dad, could you say that again? I stopped listening."

Me: "It's a big guy with a sword."

Son: "Thanks. Dad, why is it Monsters, Inc. and not Monsters, LLC?"

Me: "Ask your mother."
Awesome, Frank, just awesome.
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post #42 of 139
4/23/08 at 5:28pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by FrankCobretti View Post
Son: "Thanks. Dad, why is it Monsters, Inc. and not Monsters, LLC?"
That's awesome. As one of the many grunts down on Wall St., that's perfect.
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post #43 of 139
4/23/08 at 7:31pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ryan S~ View Post
Before every feeding she has to yell (and I mean YELL!!!) for a good three to four minutes. Mrs H jokes that she's screaming the breast into submission.
Beside Frank's post, this is a piece of awesome.

So, on April 11th, little Gabriel came out and became my inheritor for my World Domination plans. He's kinda like Ryan's daughter feeding-wise, but right now he's having a lovely growth spur that makes him thirstier than an Irishman, which kinda makes sense considering his ancestors.

Here's him, quite fresh, 12h after his birth. (sorry, the pic is kinda big, but didn't have the time to resize and all...)

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post #44 of 139
4/23/08 at 8:59pm
Nice work there, Martin. He's quite the cuteling!
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post #45 of 139
4/23/08 at 9:03pm
Ok, now that's just plain adorable.

And don't worry, Ryan and Martin. You're time for the gatling gun of questions is on the way.
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post #46 of 139
4/24/08 at 1:20pm
This thread scares me a lot.

Stop scaring me.
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post #47 of 139
4/24/08 at 2:10pm
You're right. Your cancer and family problems threads are so much more cute than this one. You're still missing an incest thread.

When is it coming?
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post #48 of 139
4/24/08 at 2:49pm
It was a little joke, Martin, since having kids is such a terrifying thought but also an amazing one.
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post #49 of 139
4/24/08 at 2:54pm
My wife is pregnant with our second child, which is due in late September. She won't let me tell anybody I know in real life yet, so I'm posting it on Chud. That'll teach her.
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post #50 of 139
4/24/08 at 2:55pm
Congrats on the future spawnling, Jonvoight!
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