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God Bless The Onion

post #1 of 228
3/19/08 at 12:28pm
Thread Starter 
I won't even spoil the headline for this one.
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post #2 of 228
3/19/08 at 12:28pm
Fantastic!
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post #3 of 228
3/19/08 at 12:29pm
The last line of that article is pure, solid gold.
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post #4 of 228
3/19/08 at 12:31pm
*Golf Clap*
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post #5 of 228
3/19/08 at 12:31pm
Quite awesome indeed.
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post #6 of 228
3/19/08 at 12:33pm
Oh, that's just beautiful. Even better than the Daily Show's coverage of Obama's speech yesterday.
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post #7 of 228
3/19/08 at 1:08pm
Quote:
"I told him I'd give him some if I saw him later, even though I probably won't," Moser said.
Hilarious!
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post #8 of 228
3/19/08 at 1:22pm
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post #9 of 228
3/19/08 at 1:26pm
"Oh now I feel guilty! Here!"
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post #10 of 228
3/19/08 at 2:14pm
I tip my hat to the Onion. Good show, sirs.
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post #11 of 228
3/19/08 at 4:11pm
Just brilliant.
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post #12 of 228
3/29/08 at 2:02pm
Guy Who Says 'Previously On Heroes' Wishes He Was Guy Who Says 'Previously On Lost'
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post #13 of 228
3/29/08 at 4:59pm
This is great. But while we're sharing favorite Onion articles, I'm quite fond of this one. Plus the "Pitchfork Gives Music a 6.8" is a classic.
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post #14 of 228
3/29/08 at 5:17pm
That is awesome, I don't know why I'm not on that site everyday.

Damn I can't find my all time favorite headline but it goes something like this:

Jesus Kills 2, wounds 5, in daylight abortion clinic attack!
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post #15 of 228
3/29/08 at 6:07pm
The all-time winner.

A recent classic.

Quote:
Also speaking at the event were Syrian president Bashar al-Assad, Japanese prime minister Yasuo Fukuda, and longtime foreign policy adviser and roast favorite Henry Kissinger, who spent the majority of his speech making sexual overtures to French president Nicolas Sarkozy's bride, model Carla Bruni. Although Bruni was seated in the audience, Kissinger politely offered her a seat on his face so he could get a better look at the only place a French leader has successfully invaded since Lombardy.

But a surprise visit from Israeli president Shimon Peres may have been the most popular act of the evening.

"On the way here tonight, someone told me that Mahmoud was a Shi'a," said Peres, placing one hand on Ahmadinejad's shoulder. "At first I thought they were saying 'He's a shit,' because the two sound so similar. But there's a big difference: One's a brown, foul-smelling tube of solid waste—and the other comes out of my asshole."

Peres then addressed Ahmadinejad's well-known denial of the Holocaust and his recent statements that Israel and all Jewish people should be "wiped off the map." Taking a long pull from his cigar and adjusting his shirt cuffs, Peres concluded that, in all likelihood, the president of Iran has fucked more Jews than Sarah Silverman.
The Pitchfork story.
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post #16 of 228
3/29/08 at 6:14pm
My all time favorite:

Columbine Jocks Safely Resume Bullying
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post #17 of 228
3/29/08 at 6:16pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by McIrish View Post
That is awesome, I don't know why I'm not on that site everyday.

Damn I can't find my all time favorite headline but it goes something like this:

Jesus Kills 2, wounds 5, in daylight abortion clinic attack!
http://www.theonion.com/content/node/28817
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post #18 of 228
3/29/08 at 6:55pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Michael Shaver View Post
As much as I love the Onion, a lot of the articles themselves don't live up to the brilliant headlines. This particular one, though, is fucking brilliant the whole way through. I urge everyone to read it. I don't want to spoil anything, though.
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post #19 of 228
3/29/08 at 7:14pm
The Onion New Network has some brilliant acting and production value. This one in particular is fuckin awesome.

Nation Of Andorra Not In Africa, Shocked U.S. State Dept. Reports
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post #20 of 228
3/29/08 at 7:22pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Quarant View Post
The Onion New Network has some brilliant acting and production value. This one in particular is fuckin awesome.

Nation Of Andorra Not In Africa, Shocked U.S. State Dept. Reports
Gold.
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post #21 of 228
3/29/08 at 7:40pm
http://www.theonion.com/content/vide...ssfully_avoids

Tracy Gill's kind of hot.
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post #22 of 228
3/29/08 at 7:45pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by RathBandu View Post
Hey, you're right.

I was always a fan of the sidebar headlines that never linked to a story. The best one was "CIA Realizes They've Been Using Black Highlighters All This Time," or something to that effect.
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post #23 of 228
3/29/08 at 8:03pm
http://www.theonion.com/content/news...nion_rss_daily

Quote:
"I can only assume that Cassie must have visited one of the local nightclub establishments where teens hang out and perform spontaneous, elaborately choreographed one-on-one dance competitions to the music of a young gentleman named Soulja Boy, among others," head instructor James Tillingford said. "Of course, there's no way Cassie could have infiltrated this subculture, unless she entered a biracial relationship with a young man who wanted a better life for himself than stealing cars and playing ball, someone who could teach her how to let go of her formal training—along with the pain of her mother's untimely death—and just let it flow so she could, in turn, convince his hardened, cynical friends that she was 'not bad for a white girl.'"...

"I could never have done it without my new girl Shandra by my side, telling me I had a chance to be somebody and I shouldn't let anyone stop me from achieving my dreams, because where she's from, 'hope' is a four- letter word," Lisbon said. "I have to accept that full scholarship to Juilliard on my own terms."

"You can't rehearse for life," Lisbon added. "The rhythm is in you."

Lisbon expressed thanks for the support she received from her father, who thought she was throwing her life away with her "ridiculous dancing hobby," but made it to the recital to stand in the back and cheer her on anyway; her boyfriend, Tay, who not only taught Lisbon how to hear the beat of life but also performed a showstopping break-dance routine in the middle of her performance; and her new group of multiracial friends—especially Little Jay, who was tragically killed in a knife fight only two days before Lisbon's final performance.
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post #24 of 228
3/29/08 at 8:11pm
http://www.theonion.com/content/news..._giant_uterine
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post #25 of 228
3/29/08 at 8:21pm
Something Happening In Haiti!
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post #26 of 228
3/29/08 at 8:31pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Michael Shaver View Post
Thanks man! I fucking love that article.
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post #27 of 228
3/29/08 at 9:42pm
http://www.theonion.com/content/vide...s_challenge_al

Amazing. So, so amazing.
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post #28 of 228
4/14/08 at 10:33pm
Wildly Popular 'Iron Man' Trailer To Be Adapted Into Full-Length Film

http://www.theonion.com/content/vide...on_man_trailer

Pretty funny.
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post #29 of 228
4/14/08 at 11:43pm
Two classic articles I always got a kick out of:

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/37418

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/39151
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post #30 of 228
4/15/08 at 12:50am
Is it in my hair?! Get it out!
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post #31 of 228
4/15/08 at 1:00am
I really liked this one

And this one
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post #32 of 228
4/15/08 at 4:35am
http://www.theonion.com/content/news...and_government
http://www.theonion.com/content/node/27621
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post #33 of 228
5/13/08 at 8:56am
Michel Gondry Entertained For Days By New Carboard Box

Quote:
Gondry, who has been praised for using innovative visual effects over two decades of filmmaking, said that by arranging the box in various positions he was able to pretend it was a flying dinosaur's nest, a witch's cauldron, a chariot, a ghost box, a whale's stomach, and a table.

After much anticipation, Gondry held a press conference in his home Monday evening to unveil the box and answer questions from eager entertainment journalists.

"You're standing in hot lava," Gondry said. "That's going to melt you."

Gondry told reporters that immediately upon acquiring the six-sided carton, he abandoned his paper-towel tube, which he had previously used as a spyglass to watch pirates, a horn to turn himself into a unicorn, and a trumpet to make "mouth jazz."

Gondry concluded the press conference by placing the box over his head and declaring that he was a lonely building without a skyline to call home.
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post #34 of 228
5/13/08 at 10:28am
Washington Monument on Oct 12, 2009 at 3:04
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post #35 of 228
5/21/08 at 11:43am
Bring on the forgery!

http://www.theonion.com/content/news..._back_hair_men

Quote:
"My son hasn't been the same around me since he watched D2: The Mighty Ducks last month," said slicked-back-hair man Mick Romanini, referencing the film in which coach Gordon Bombay slicks back his hair when consumed by fame, then wears it dry again upon realizing the error of his ways. "Is this what we want to teach our children about slicked-back hair?"
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post #36 of 228
5/21/08 at 2:42pm
I just read that the other day - Slicked Back Hair Men is one of their best ones.
Quote:
Added Romanini, "He should be able to do whatever he wants with his hair when he gets older and not worry that people are going to assume he's the kind of guy who would plot his best friend's death and then seduce the widow to get his hands on the insurance money."
Quote:
Hollywood is facing similar protests from groups such as the National Association of Maniacal Laughers, the American Mustache-Twirlers Coalition, and the Alliance of Gentlemen with Scars and Eye Patches.
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post #37 of 228
5/21/08 at 3:25pm
I posted a thread on this a while ago but I still thought it was pretty good.

Local bar comes out gay
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post #38 of 228
5/22/08 at 10:09am
Quote:
Originally Posted by RathBandu View Post
The last bit here just killed me

Quote:
According to statistics released by the organization, five out of every six characters with slicked-back hair are cast as the primary antagonist. Of this group, 29 percent are depicted as greedy and manipulative Wall Street sharks, 22 percent as cold, emotionless murderers, 19 percent as evil coaches or mentors, 12 percent as corrupt mafiosi, 8 percent as undead creatures who feast on human blood, and the remaining 10 percent fall into the general category of jerks/pricks/John Travolta.
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post #39 of 228
5/22/08 at 10:30am
My favorite headline is still "Urban neighborhood terrorized by ask murderer."

And don't get me started on Our Dumb Century....
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post #40 of 228
5/22/08 at 12:48pm
Best Headlines in Our Dumb Century:

"HOLY SHIT - MAN LANDS ON FUCKING MOON"

"JFK Killed by Mafia, Freemasons, LBJ..."
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post #41 of 228
5/22/08 at 12:50pm
Speaking of Our Dumb Century, my personal favorite headline is


WA-
Continued on page 2

oh and Sacco and Vanzetti executed due to extreme wopness
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post #42 of 228
6/5/08 at 4:47pm
Liberty City Police Face Allegations Of Incompetence, Brutality - http://www.theonion.com/content/news...ty_police_face
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post #43 of 228
6/9/08 at 6:05pm
Controversial Court Ruling Upholds Homosexual's Right To Prance Around Demanding Attention And Being A Drama Queen
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post #44 of 228
7/15/08 at 6:37pm
Gentlemen, to evil!
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post #45 of 228
7/16/08 at 8:48am
I love some of those scrolling headlines.

"Earthquake wipes out Etchasketchistan"
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post #46 of 228
7/16/08 at 1:42pm
Snoop Dogg Reveals the KKK Supports Barack Obama
http://www.rightpundits.com/?p=1317

Really thought it was funny as hell!
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post #47 of 228
7/16/08 at 1:47pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Smeagol View Post
As much as I love the Onion, a lot of the articles themselves don't live up to the brilliant headlines. This particular one, though, is fucking brilliant the whole way through. I urge everyone to read it. I don't want to spoil anything, though.
It's quite good!
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post #48 of 228
7/16/08 at 1:53pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Schwartz View Post
Awesome. "Together we can change America in unspeakable ways"
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post #49 of 228
7/16/08 at 4:33pm
Regarding the All-Star Game: "Game will determine if American League representative will win World Series at home or on the road."
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post #50 of 228
10/4/08 at 5:01pm
NASCAR Cancels Remainder of Season following David Foster Wallace's Death

Congress Lowers Drinking Age to 17 just for Jenny's Party

Quote:
According to Schumer, the bill contains clear wording that will keep the party from getting "out of hand." Section 211 of the legislation, titled "Regulations," states that "(a) those who imbibe an excess of alcohol will be required by law to stay overnight, so as not to drive, and to offer assistance in collecting the empty beer cans and mopping the kitchen floor the next morning, (b) Jenny's parents' bedroom is strictly off-limits, and entrance therein will result in up to 30 years in federal prison, and (c) the carrying out of activities deemed 'stupid' is prohibited, viz. climbing up onto the roof, falling off the roof, etc." There is also a proviso that prevents Trish from getting wasted on rum again and trying to make out with Andy.

The House has earmarked $54 million in case someone breaks Jenny's mother's vase and it needs to be replaced by the next morning.

Although the bill was passed by a wide margin in both the House and Senate, it has received criticism from some members of Congress, who call the law "favoritist" and "totally unfair." Those in opposition claim that it is too dangerous to allow minors to consume alcohol in an unsupervised setting; that they were not allowed to drink until they turned 21 and the same should hold true for everyone else; and that the only reason the bill passed is because Jenny is friends with Sen. Joe Lieberman (I-CT).
More awesomeocity at the link.
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