God Bless The Onion - Page 5

Inevitable:

http://www.theonion.com/articles/jack-lalanne-pops-back-up-after-cool-down,19015/

Although I really thought they would do a story about him showing off by being his own pallbearer or something.

Goddam, these guys are on fire:

Republicans Vote To Repeal Obama-Backed Bill That Would Destroy Asteroid Headed For Earth

Slick New Abomination

U.S. Authorities Can't Really Fault Al-Qaeda For Deadly Bombing Of Carnival Cruise Ship

NASA Completes 52 Year Mission to Find, Kill God

This article is funny, but the unintentional CHUD/Chewer reference towards the end makes it a classic.

Marauding Gay Hordes Drag Thousands Of Helpless Citizens From Marriages After Obama Drops Defense Of Marriage Act

Keira Knightley Answers Fan Letter Way Too Quickly

Silvio Berlusconi gets penis stuck in wine bottle stuck in prostitute

Man, this one nearly killed me at the office the other day.
 

Quote:

Originally Posted by Schwartz 

Silvio Berlusconi gets penis stuck in wine bottle stuck in prostitute

 

http://www.theonion.com/video/in-freak-accident-34-katherine-heigl-films-release,19824/

A Coen Cure!

All of those fake Heigl movies look convincing, it's kinda not funny...

Quote:

Originally Posted by Andres 

Quote:

It was in that year that U.S. astronaut Neil Armstrong became the first to step on the moon, and uttered the legendary phrase, "Where are you, God, you fucking faggot? Come and get me!"

 

That one is fucking amazing.

Also, Nooj, I agree. I seriously thought that Venus & Mars was a real movie for a second. I could swear I remember that poster and everything. That has frightening implications.
 

Even the tagline for Venus & Mars is convincingly bland: "They're from different planets."

Mitt Romney Haunted By Past Of Trying To Help Uninsured Sick People

Visa Exposed As Massive Credit Card Scam

Nation Would Rather Think About 9/11 Than Anything From Subsequent 10 Years

http://www.theonion.com/articles/apple-user-acting-like-his-dad-just-died,26270/

which pretty much covers one side of the arguments in the Steve Jobs Died thread

http://www.theonion.com/articles/last-american-who-knew-what-the-fuck-he-was-doing,26268/

which covers the other side :)

Occupy Wall Street Infographic

I LOLed:

Also, this.

Nation's 10-Year-Old Boys: 'If You See Someone Raping Us, Please Call The Police.'

Well Duh:

http://www.theonion.com/articles/study-87-percent-of-movies-would-be-better-with-mi,19268/

Another thread reminded me recently that Point/Counter-Point is my favorite feature of The Onion.

http://www.theonion.com/articles/help-sandal-season-is-here-and-my-feet-are-a-mess,11531/

http://www.theonion.com/articles/according-to-the-economist-nasa-is-an-industrial-s,11532/

http://www.theonion.com/articles/my-computer-totally-hates-me-vs-god-do-i-hate-that,11538/

http://www.theonion.com/articles/us-out-of-my-uterus-vs-we-must-deploy-troops-to-je,11546/

And of course, the classic:

http://www.theonion.com/articles/it-was-then-that-i-carried-you-vs-bullshit-jesus-t,11542/

Why is The Onion consistently so awesome?  It defies logic. 

This one Lauren Ortega put up in the 2012 elections thread about the Iraq War was remarkably prescient. 

http://www.theonion.com/articles/this-war-will-destabilize-the-entire-mideast-regio,11534/

Its serious Point accurately predicted the bulk of the next 8 years while its Counterpoint more or less predicted the real substance behind the cheerleaders for the war (e.g, none).

The fact that this was written in 2003 and was well ahead of the so called mainstream 'serious' media was particularly sobering.

http://www.theonion.com/articles/kids-your-mother-is-ready-to-start-fucking-again,11517/

Quote:

Originally Posted by Schwartz 

http://www.theonion.com/articles/kids-your-mother-is-ready-to-start-fucking-again,11517/

The cotton candy line made me snort.
 

Not as good as his debut, but any Cressbeckler is good Cressbeckler.