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God Bless The Onion - Page 2

post #51 of 228
10/27/08 at 11:41pm
"Who said guzzling urine can't be romantic? Oh right, everyone."

Silly Little Show-Biz Book Club #13: You'll Never Suck Cock In This Town Again
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post #52 of 228
12/4/08 at 5:47pm
Zombie Nutritionist Recommends All-Brain Diet
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post #53 of 228
12/4/08 at 5:55pm
I got quite a kick out of this.
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post #54 of 228
12/4/08 at 6:40pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Chris Olson View Post
I got quite a kick out of this.
I saw that in printed form and tried to find that on the site with no luck. Where the hell was that located?
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post #55 of 228
12/4/08 at 6:42pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by EdHocken View Post
I saw that in printed form and tried to find that on the site with no luck. Where the hell was that located?
I just found it on the main page, about half way down.
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post #56 of 228
12/4/08 at 6:44pm
Well there ya go. That headline pretty much sums up the past eight years.
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post #57 of 228
1/18/09 at 12:06pm
Charles Barkley finally gets that blowjob:

http://www.theonion.com/content/news...ally_gets_that

"Damn, man, I'm telling you, that was one seriously high-quality blow job," added Barkley, leaning forward in his seat to yawn and crack his neck. "Drinking or not drinking, there's no mystery why I was in such a hurry to get that taken care of when they pulled me over last month. Now, if there's no questions, I'm going to go get me some eggs. I could eat a ton of scrambled eggs right now."

"I'm just glad I had the chance to set the record straight," Barkley said. "I wish there was a way for people to know how truly sorry I am that this all happened, and how very, very happy I am that I finally got that blow job. Which, I'm serious, was goddamned amazing."
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post #58 of 228
1/21/09 at 9:10pm
School shooter had troubled past, history of school shootings.
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post #59 of 228
1/27/09 at 11:11pm
This is a few months old, but fucking awesome.
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post #60 of 228
1/28/09 at 12:50am
The post-election series of lame-duck Bush stories deserves a page of its own:


Bush Tumbles Wildly Down Washington Monument Staircase
Crocodile Bites off Bush's Arm
Bush Passes Three-Pound Kidney Stone
Bush Dragged Behind Presidential Motorcade For 26 Blocks
Bush's Eyelid Accidentally Nailed To Wall
Single-Engine Cessna Crashes Into Bush
Spider Eggs Hatch In Bush's Brain

and finally:
Bush Dies Peacefully In His Sleep
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post #61 of 228
2/20/09 at 6:30pm
This one just about killed me today: http://www.theonion.com/content/news...urce=a-section
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post #62 of 228
2/20/09 at 7:11pm
I love this one, because a couple of the black women at work have said exactly the same thing.
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post #63 of 228
2/24/09 at 6:12pm
http://www.theonion.com/content/vide...tupid_piece_of
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post #64 of 228
2/25/09 at 3:33pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Greg David View Post
I love this one, because a couple of the black women at work have said exactly the same thing.
Funny stuff. I love the closing statement.
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post #65 of 228
2/26/09 at 7:25pm
Brilliant.
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post #66 of 228
3/3/09 at 6:21pm
I know it makes me a horrible person, but I couldn't stop laughing while reading this one.
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post #67 of 228
3/7/09 at 2:27pm
I must be even more horribler then
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post #68 of 228
4/1/09 at 8:23pm
Just fantastic
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post #69 of 228
4/1/09 at 9:52pm
The Obama depressed after Battlestar ending was amazing.
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post #70 of 228
4/1/09 at 11:35pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Schwartz View Post
This is one of their best in a long time, IMO.
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post #71 of 228
4/2/09 at 12:09am
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tati View Post
The Obama depressed after Battlestar ending was amazing.
http://www.theonion.com/content/news..._distant_since

Yes. Yes, it was.

Quote:
"I'm a little concerned," first lady Michelle Obama was overheard saying at a fundraising event Tuesday. "When Firefly was canceled, he walked around like a zombie for a week, and Serenity was the only thing that snapped him out of it. Last night he said he felt like he had just discovered David Axelrod was one of the Final Five, whatever that means."
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post #72 of 228
4/13/09 at 3:28pm
Michael Bay Signs $50M Deal To Fuck Up 'Thundercats'.

Quote:
ThunderCats has a great story, endearing characters, action, adventure, space-travel, and fantasy. It will be an honor to run it into the ground.
Schnieder as Snarf seals the deal.
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post #73 of 228
4/13/09 at 5:18pm
As with so many things, the Onion is the only outlet where people maintain a sane view of Michael Bay's abilities.
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post #74 of 228
4/13/09 at 5:24pm
Yes, but the premise is flawed in assuming that Thundercats has something to ruin.
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post #75 of 228
4/13/09 at 5:30pm
True, the writers seem to assume that it's a good cartoon. There had to have been a better choice.
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post #76 of 228
4/13/09 at 6:54pm
Ironically, this one made me laugh out loud at work:

http://www.theonion.com/content/news...oove_after_3rd
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post #77 of 228
4/13/09 at 9:30pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by James May View Post
Yes, but the premise is flawed in assuming that Thundercats has something to ruin.
Fair point. It was a childhood favourite of mine but when I revisted it more recently the years had not been kind. Despite this I have an irrational desire to see it put into 'safe' hands. Because a Space-Cats Vs Supernatural Mummy franchise needs to be handled with respect.
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post #78 of 228
4/14/09 at 11:24am
Prison Economy Spirals As Price Of Pack Of Cigarettes Surpasses Two Hand Jobs
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post #79 of 228
5/6/09 at 1:03am
Shirtless Biden Washes Trans Am In White House Driveway
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post #80 of 228
5/7/09 at 7:04pm
An Onion Special Report

ETA: It just occurred to me that this has probably been posted in the Star Trek Post-Release thread, but I didn't check first because I haven't seen the movie.

ETA II - The Wrath of Boners: That brunette chick is amazingly hot.
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post #81 of 228
5/11/09 at 1:27am
I've always had a special fondness for their human interest pieces; they do a pitch-perfect job of demonstrating the banality of our society.

These two always killed me -

Computer-Generated Talking Cat On TV Delights Iowa Woman

Site Of Fatal Auto Accident Tritely Commemorated

The last one especially, since those things spring up like weeds around here whenever someone's killed in a wreck.
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post #82 of 228
5/20/09 at 7:37am
I don't know if AV Club content is properly relevant to this thread, but:

Fucking Phenomenal 'Random Roles' Interview with Charles Napier
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post #83 of 228
5/20/09 at 9:03pm
According to Rabin in the comments section, Napier called him up unexpectedly the next day and asked if he wanted to chat some more, so they did for half hour. Makes it even better.

Also worth checking out are the Teri Garr Random Roles and the Margot Kidder one. Both of them are great.
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post #84 of 228
5/29/09 at 12:21pm
It's Making A Well Reasoned Argument Backed With Facts!
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post #85 of 228
6/1/09 at 11:43am
Bar Owner Cannot Fucking Believe He Actually Sponsored An Adult Kickball Team
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post #86 of 228
6/10/09 at 12:39pm
But If We Started Dating It Would Ruin Our Friendship Where I Ask You To Do Things And You Do Them
Fucking glorious.
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post #87 of 228
6/10/09 at 1:01pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Doc Happenin View Post
Fucking glorious.
You're damn right it is.

We are just destined to be really, really good friends who only hang out when I don't have a boyfriend, but still need male attention to boost my fragile and all-consuming ego.

Don't worry. You're so funny and smart and amazing, any girl but me would be lucky to date you. You'll find someone, I know it. And when you do, I'll be right by your side to suddenly become all flirty and affectionate with you in front of her, until she grows jealous and won't believe it when you say we're just friends. But when she dumps you, that's just what we'll be.
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post #88 of 228
6/21/09 at 9:34pm
Awful Man Offers Witty, Acerbic Take On Everything He Sees
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post #89 of 228
6/21/09 at 10:50pm
This one is vicious, but awesome.
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post #90 of 228
6/22/09 at 2:52pm
Wow, after having cruised the "budding filmmakers" forum a bit I think this might strike a chord with a lot of you dudes.
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post #91 of 228
6/22/09 at 3:17pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Schwartz View Post
This one is vicious, but awesome.
Oh man, that was SO vicious! Gotta love The Onion, every once in awhile the humour gets really really dark and inappropriate.
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post #92 of 228
6/24/09 at 4:47pm
Twitter Creator on Iran: 'I Never Intended For Twitter To Be Useful'
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post #93 of 228
7/7/09 at 9:12am
Mexico Builds Border Wall To Keep Out US Assholes
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post #94 of 228
7/8/09 at 4:46am
http://www.theonion.com/content/vide...utm_source=nav
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post #95 of 228
7/8/09 at 5:25am
Dude. One. Post. Above you.

Jesus.
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post #96 of 228
7/21/09 at 12:54am
No one saw The Onion's Chinese makeover today? Be sure not to miss the videos.
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post #97 of 228
7/21/09 at 1:32am
Quote:
Originally Posted by PMR View Post
No one saw The Onion's Chinese makeover today? Be sure not to miss the videos.
NASCAR: Why Is It Not Done On Thousands Of Bicycles?

This is great stuff. Thanks for the notice.
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post #98 of 228
7/21/09 at 1:42am
Quote:
Originally Posted by El Gray View Post
NASCAR: Why Is It Not Done On Thousands Of Bicycles?

This is great stuff. Thanks for the notice.
oh god thank you!
http://www.theonion.com/content/vide..._plan_to_build
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post #99 of 228
7/21/09 at 4:36am
Quote:
Originally Posted by PMR View Post
No one saw The Onion's Chinese makeover today? Be sure not to miss the videos.
It's so funny and yet so bitter it's unbelievable. This could be the single best, most important thing The Onion has ever done.
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post #100 of 228
7/21/09 at 5:40am
"Next up, the new Harry Potter movie encourages kids to see more movies made from books."

This is so amazing.
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