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Guy Rapes Picnic Table

post #1 of 47
4/2/08 at 1:54am
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by FOX
(BELLEVUE, OH) -- Police say a man in Bellevue, Ohio was caught on tape having sex with a picnic table.

Bellevue Police Captain Matt Johnson says Art Price, Jr., 40, was seen on four occasions between the hours of 10:30 a.m. and noon having sex with his picnic table. What makes this a felony, Johnson says, is that it took place in close proximity to a school, which made it likely that children could have seen Price.
Link to article.
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post #2 of 47
4/2/08 at 1:57am
Can't stop laughing.
For God's sake - HOW?

EDIT:
Quote:
The neighbor -- who wishes to remain anonymous -- saw Price walk out onto his deck, stand a round metal table on its side and use the hole in the umbrella to have sex.
Hope he had some lube.
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post #3 of 47
4/2/08 at 1:59am
The picnic table wanted it, it teased him all morning...
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post #4 of 47
4/2/08 at 3:00am
I can't believe you guys are laughing at rape. I mean, I know this is CHUD, but some of these jokes are in poor taste.
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post #5 of 47
4/2/08 at 3:05am
Quote:
Originally Posted by Patrick Ripoll View Post
I can't believe you guys are laughing at rape. I mean, I know this is CHUD, but some of these jokes are in poor taste.
Speaking of tasting poor, most likely anything served on that table afterwards.

I hope he pulls out, both because the babies would likely be an atrocity, and because his explanation for why plates stick to the table would be no doubt intriguing.
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post #6 of 47
4/2/08 at 3:17am
I don't see what the big deal about this- wait a minute, he was going in from the top, right? Because if he was going in through the out door...I'm not a bigot or anything, I just think that kind of thing is gross.
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post #7 of 47
4/2/08 at 11:18am
I finger dated a tree stump once. The relationship was splintered.
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post #8 of 47
4/2/08 at 11:51am
This incident gave a whole knew meaning to "eating dick" to his family.
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post #9 of 47
4/2/08 at 12:32pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tati View Post
The picnic table wanted it, it teased him all morning...
That tablecloth it had was on made it as if asking it wanted to get banged.
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post #10 of 47
4/2/08 at 2:48pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by EdHocken View Post
That tablecloth it had was on made it as if asking it wanted to get banged.
Hey, just because it was a sheer, lacey table cloth doesn't mean the table wanted it.

(I seriously can't stop laughing. I just had my head down on my desk to try and stifle the laughter.)

Given the fact that this guy is married and has kids, I think the neighbors aren't really the ones with the big problem on their hands. "Jesus, Dad! If you have to have sex with a household item, can't you just fuck around with the shower massage like a normal person?"
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post #11 of 47
4/2/08 at 2:50pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by billylove View Post
I finger dated a tree stump once. The relationship was splintered.
Did the tree give you wood?
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post #12 of 47
4/2/08 at 2:51pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by EdHocken View Post
That tablecloth it had was on made it as if asking it wanted to get banged.
Checkered patterns send mixed signals. Not saying the table had it coming, just sayin'.
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post #13 of 47
4/2/08 at 2:52pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by EdHocken View Post
That tablecloth it had was on made it as if asking it wanted to get banged.
Is that English? it had was on made it as if asking it wanted
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post #14 of 47
4/2/08 at 2:54pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Devildoubt View Post
Did the tree give you wood?
You could say I was pretty hard headed.
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post #15 of 47
4/2/08 at 2:55pm
I bet this guy was pissed when he saw the "Inspected by" sticker.
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post #16 of 47
4/2/08 at 3:01pm
All that was missing was a pinball machine.
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post #17 of 47
4/2/08 at 3:02pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Trejo View Post
Is that English? it had was on made it as if asking it wanted
Okay it lacks commas and proofreading (Yet again), let me try again.

That tablecloth it had on, made it seem as if it wanted to get banged.

Okay, that should do it.
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post #18 of 47
4/2/08 at 3:18pm
Quote:
What makes this a felony, Johnson says, is that it took place in close proximity to a school, which made it likely that children could have seen Price.
What makes this a crime, was the total lack of foreplay.
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post #19 of 47
4/2/08 at 3:20pm
Damn straight, there was no atmosphere or good lighting.
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post #20 of 47
4/2/08 at 3:24pm
http://youtube.com/watch?v=2JflNlVyPqQ

40 seconds in you get to see the most awesome statement from a police press conference.
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post #21 of 47
4/2/08 at 3:30pm
"Hey, Art, these are the best baked potatoes I've ever eaten!!
What's your secret with this great sauce?"
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post #22 of 47
4/2/08 at 3:32pm
By far the best part of that clip is when the news anchor gets the door shut in his face.

"Hi I'm "whatever his name was" from Channel 11..."

*SLAM*

"The family declined to speak with us".
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post #23 of 47
4/2/08 at 3:32pm
While some might want this discussion...Tabled, I just hope that he didn't get any splinters from his attack on the furniture.
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post #24 of 47
4/2/08 at 3:34pm
Best youtube video EVER.
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post #25 of 47
4/2/08 at 3:36pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by duke fleed View Post
While some might want this discussion...Tabled, I just hope that he didn't get any splinters from his attack on the furniture.
Duke Fleed... for the win?!
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post #26 of 47
4/2/08 at 3:38pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tati View Post
Best youtube video EVER.
Nope, this is the best youtube video EVER.
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post #27 of 47
4/2/08 at 3:39pm
You know, I wouldn't ever have the guts to bag furniture. I gotta give the guy credit for that.
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post #28 of 47
4/2/08 at 3:41pm
I wonder if Thompson's Water Seal was used to make sure the table would not suffer from moisture damage?
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post #29 of 47
4/2/08 at 3:41pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Andrew Eaton View Post
Duke Fleed... for the win?!
Sure...When pigs FLY!

*looks out window*

Oh, fiddlesticks.
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post #30 of 47
4/2/08 at 3:42pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Andrew Eaton View Post
Duke Fleed... for the win?!
If that's the case. May god have mercy on us all.
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post #31 of 47
4/2/08 at 3:52pm
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post #32 of 47
4/2/08 at 3:54pm
For the kinky, I assume they go for the Made in China plastic tables and the sick fucks go for those small kid tables with the short legs.
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post #33 of 47
4/2/08 at 4:16pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Andrew Eaton View Post
http://youtube.com/watch?v=2JflNlVyPqQ

40 seconds in you get to see the most awesome statement from a police press conference.
You goddamn tease! YouTube is blocked at work - I have to wait till I get home to see the delicious humiliation.
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post #34 of 47
4/2/08 at 4:59pm
Thank God Chief Wiggum is on the case.

Add: Some like 'em round, some like 'em flat. Our guy likes 'em both.
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post #35 of 47
4/2/08 at 6:12pm
Goddammit, I know there's some kind of joke about being across the street from a Hebrew school and having sex through a hole in a table cloth kicking around in there somewhere, but I can't find it for the life of me.
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post #36 of 47
4/2/08 at 6:13pm
I agree Schwartz. I know what you're talking about. Loud and clear.
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post #37 of 47
4/2/08 at 7:57pm
Well, now that i've seen the video and they actually showed the table, I can see where a dude would be tempted. That's a really hot table.
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post #38 of 47
4/2/08 at 8:07pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Andrew Eaton View Post
http://youtube.com/watch?v=2JflNlVyPqQ

40 seconds in you get to see the most awesome statement from a police press conference.
Holy crap that's a enormous cop.
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post #39 of 47
4/3/08 at 12:05am
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tieman View Post
Holy crap that's a enormous cop.
And he is 3 seconds away from hysterical laughter. You think this guy must pine away for the days he was left alone.
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post #40 of 47
4/3/08 at 12:20am
Quote:
Originally Posted by Trav McGee View Post
What makes this a crime, was the total lack of foreplay.
And what makes it rape was the total lack of consent on the part of the picnic table. Oh, won't somebody please think of the picnic tables?!
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post #41 of 47
4/3/08 at 7:08am
Quote:
Originally Posted by Chris Hill View Post
Oh, won't somebody please think of the picnic tables?!
He did think of the picnic table. Unfortunately, he thought about it with his dick.

Stock up on condoms and lube - the credenza in the living room is next!
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post #42 of 47
4/3/08 at 8:38am
Baby got slats.
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post #43 of 47
4/3/08 at 11:26am
Dude suffers from umbrella cock, what's a guy to do?
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post #44 of 47
4/3/08 at 11:30am
Y' know, I've been staring at this thread for two days now, trying to figure out something witty to post. I'm spitballing: Picnic table... picnic basket... Pic-a-nic basket... Yogi Bear. Hmmmm, maybe something about how this guy likes to slip Boo Boo the old Jellystone?

Yeah, I got nothing. That guy's a weirdo. Big time.
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post #45 of 47
4/3/08 at 11:52am
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mattioli View Post
Y' know, I've been staring at this thread for two days now, trying to figure out something witty to post. I'm spitballing: Picnic table... picnic basket... Pic-a-nic basket... Yogi Bear. Hmmmm, maybe something about how this guy likes to slip Boo Boo the old Jellystone?

Yeah, I got nothing. That guy's a weirdo. Big time.
(*Pssst.... notches in the table equal the notches in his belt? Dunno...*)
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post #46 of 47
4/3/08 at 12:22pm
Knock, knock, knock……….
“Um, Dad? There’s someone at the door. He says his name is Paddy O’ Furniture and he has a shotgun…”
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post #47 of 47
4/3/08 at 12:57pm
"Paddy O'Furniture"? Oh, STOP that, you!
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