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It's like Caddyshack but not funny.

post #1 of 69
4/21/08 at 4:08am
Thread Starter 
So this gopher in our yard, front and back, has gone too damn far.

He fucked up the rose bushes. Son of a bitch just signed his death contract.

I've been reading online for a few hours as to the many ways to get rid of the critters but they all seem to include Poison, which I don't trust myself handling, Cats, which I don't trust myself owning or Traps, which I don't trust myself setting, and some fox scent repellent.


Anyone ever try any of those methods with good results? The bastards are tearing up the lawn.

Though, the stray cats have stopped pooping on our property so they must be some pretty vicious gophers.
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post #2 of 69
4/21/08 at 4:17am
My grandpa used to say that gophers hated the smell of garlic and that would get rid of them. Then again he shaved his eyebrows and wore the same pair of pj's and bathrobe for the last 8 years of his life.
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post #3 of 69
4/21/08 at 10:09am
Tnt ?
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post #4 of 69
4/21/08 at 10:15am
Introduce a couple of these in your back-yard. The gophers will be history in no-time.
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post #5 of 69
4/21/08 at 10:18am
Pee a circle around your garden. I'm totally serious.
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post #6 of 69
4/21/08 at 10:36am
My dad's method is to sit in a lawn chair near it's hole and blast away with a 12 gauge anytime the slightest movement is detected. I think it has only worked like twice in the last 20 some odd years though.
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post #7 of 69
4/21/08 at 10:53am
Whatever you do, don't play any Kenny Loggins. They dance to that. On a serious note, check your car before you start it, especially if you have driven that day and the engine is still warm, they like to crawl up in there.
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post #8 of 69
4/21/08 at 10:53am
I have one too. Try this.

Here's a sample of it in action. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qvRfzs9beb0&NR=1
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post #9 of 69
4/21/08 at 11:10am
Dress them up in cute little sweaters and hats. They'll be totally humiliated and leave your yard.
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post #10 of 69
4/21/08 at 12:37pm
This is just the first sign of Vader losing it. Next time I see Vader, he'll look like this:

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post #11 of 69
4/21/08 at 1:00pm
I was going to mention jay's suggestion. Seeing those gopher guns in action is hilarious. My pasture has developed a prarie dog infestation over the winter so I need to take action also. I'm pretty sure I'll end up drowning a lot of the fuckers the first time I irrigate if the neighbor's cats don't get things done.
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post #12 of 69
4/21/08 at 1:08pm
Like Caddyshack but not funny = Caddyshack 2.
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post #13 of 69
4/21/08 at 2:17pm
Anti-Pesto.



Have you tried dressing up as a female gopher, and luring them off your property with blown-kisses, seductive winks, and hip-shaking?
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post #14 of 69
4/21/08 at 2:27pm
All that I ask...please...is that you film the carnage if you start using C-4 to fix the problem.
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post #15 of 69
4/21/08 at 5:17pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Judas Booth View Post
All that I ask...please...is that you film the carnage if you start dressing up as a female gopher.
Furry!
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post #16 of 69
4/21/08 at 5:26pm
If my love of Looney Tunes has taught me anything, it's this:

(1) If, while stalking said gopher, you are suddenly presented with a beautiful woman, WATCH OUT! This is almost certainly the gopher in disguise. Any attempt to kiss said beautiful woman (i.e. gopher) will result in either (1) a frying pan over the head, or (2) your lips being ensnared in a bear trap removed from the beautiful woman/gopher's decolletage;

(2) Avoid any product manufactured by Acme. They have been known, without fail, to back fire on their purchasers... although the rocket roller skates are incredibly hard to resist; and

(3) No matter how skilled the gopher is in semantics and verbal misdirections, do not--I repeat: DO NOT!--allow him to convince you that it is, in fact, Duck Season. He is, in all probability, lying.
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post #17 of 69
4/21/08 at 5:59pm
To this day I still have no idea why people don't get together and go after the ACME corporation for product liability. They're just asking for it.
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post #18 of 69
4/21/08 at 6:43pm
Thread Starter 
They got good lawyers.
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post #19 of 69
4/21/08 at 11:07pm
If animal cruelty and the cost of fuel isn't a concern, my grandfather used to run a hose from his car's exhaust pipe into the nearest gopher hole and leave the car running for a while. I always kind of thought choking them to death with carbon emissions was cruel but it is effective.
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post #20 of 69
4/21/08 at 11:21pm
Are your rose bushes so incredibly important that its worth killing the gophers for?

Sorry to go all hippy here, but it just doesn't seem to be a good enough reason to kill the animal and its possible family.

Is killing gophers socially acceptable in the states? Really?

I mean if they were in the house I suppose I could almost understand - but where the hell are ghophers in suburbia going to go if the can;t be in peoples gardens?

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post #21 of 69
4/21/08 at 11:41pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by The Rain Dog View Post

Is killing gophers socially acceptable in the states? Really?
Are you kidding? In Detroit its damn near socially acceptable to kill people.
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post #22 of 69
4/21/08 at 11:48pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sherm View Post
Are you kidding? In Detroit its damn near socially acceptable to kill people.
Yeah, it's kind of easy to forget all three wars fought on our own soil were largely over trade concerns (levying taxes on things like our breakfast beverages, interfering with our trade with other countries, and trying to take the Southern states and their commercial interests out of the union respectively). Messing with someone's property in the States is just not a good idea, whatever level of sentient organism you may be.
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post #23 of 69
4/21/08 at 11:51pm
Plus its not like there is a shortage of gophers here. My neighborhood is infested with racoons. I think the babies are cute as hell but if ya don't snipe them bastards every now and again they grow up to be big enough to attack dogs and kill cats. Not to mention scare the shit out of me when I'm takin out the trash.
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post #24 of 69
4/21/08 at 11:57pm
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by The Rain Dog View Post
Are your rose bushes so incredibly important that its worth killing the gophers for?

Sorry to go all hippy here, but it just doesn't seem to be a good enough reason to kill the animal and its possible family.

Is killing gophers socially acceptable in the states? Really?

I mean if they were in the house I suppose I could almost understand - but where the hell are ghophers in suburbia going to go if the can;t be in peoples gardens?


Believe me, I'd rather not kill the animals, hence why I started the thread, but it's not just rose bushes, it's the whole front and back yards. They make holes that if you aren't careful will probably sprain your ankle pretty bad. And they love destroying many of our plans.

Yeah, It'd be cool if me and the gophers could just watch each other and hang out but they really are a nuisance now. And the idea of a gopher under my Honda Civic hood sorta scares me.
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post #25 of 69
4/22/08 at 12:01am
Is relocation an option then?
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post #26 of 69
4/22/08 at 12:12am
I'm thinking a combination of using firecrackers, stink bombs, and smoke bombs in their holes to lure them to a hole where you drop a cherry bomb. Or an m-80.
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post #27 of 69
4/22/08 at 1:24am
Thread Starter 
I'm thinking I could slowly get them addicted to crack and then all of a sudden just hold out on them.

Til they find a new dealer and move.
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post #28 of 69
4/22/08 at 1:46am
I remember hearing that dropping mothballs down their holes will make them relocate...
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post #29 of 69
4/22/08 at 1:48am
teehee - New Gopher City eh?

In all seriousness tho, surely there are humane options for removal as opposed to some of the more 'colourful' suggestions being offered here?
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post #30 of 69
4/22/08 at 2:13am
Thread Starter 
Us Americans do like any excuse to go out and buy illegal fireworks.
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post #31 of 69
4/22/08 at 2:50am
I think Rain Dog should fly over and negotiate a peace agreement between the gophers and Vader. If that's not an option, Vader it is your duty to go nuclear on these little bastards.

I don't like to harm animals in any way, I even feel bad when I kill some insects. But man, I'm so fed up with the damned raccoons and opossums that are spreading our trash all over the place all the time.

We've tried several things, locking the garbage lids with bungee cords, putting cement blocks on top of the lids. Doesn't work. My only option left is to buy some trash cans that can be specially locked so these guys can't screw around with the garbage by knocking them down.

I once found an opossum trapped inside one of our trash cans. I did go outside our community and dropped him off in the woods, I'm sure the little bastard has come back to haunt me.
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post #32 of 69
4/22/08 at 2:58am
Bob Clark is right about peeing. I've also heard leaving your hair clippings around the plants and garden you're protecting will keep pests away.
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post #33 of 69
4/22/08 at 3:45am
Vader, don't listen to BobClark and Phil. I'm not saying you have to avoid gophers, but you must deny them your essence.
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post #34 of 69
4/22/08 at 3:47am
Thread Starter 
That's pretty tough, I'm pretty fucking essencesical.
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post #35 of 69
4/22/08 at 12:39pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by The Rain Dog View Post
Are your rose bushes so incredibly important that its worth killing the gophers for?
I like this. A twist in the thread's narrative.
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post #36 of 69
4/22/08 at 12:41pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Vader View Post
That's pretty tough, I'm pretty fucking essencesical.
I don't even know if that's a word, but it sounds impressive.
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post #37 of 69
4/22/08 at 12:47pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by DARKMITE8 View Post
See the way he just whips around and gives you the face? That's what happens when you try to sneak up on them. Which is why my idea of putting them in dorky little costumes so they'll be embarrassed and leave is SO much better. They hit the bricks, you get rid of all the dorky little costumes that we know you have hidden in your closet, and everyone's happy.
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post #38 of 69
4/22/08 at 1:01pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by LisaNY View Post
See the way he just whips around and gives you the face? That's what happens when you try to sneak up on them. Which is why my idea of putting them in dorky little costumes so they'll be embarrassed and leave is SO much better. They hit the bricks, you get rid of all the dorky little costumes that we know you have hidden in your closet, and everyone's happy.
Flaw in the plan. Vader's kind of taller than your average gopher, so his dorky costumes won't fit - unless his lawn is being invaded by 6' or larger mutant gophers, in which case he's got bigger problems. Maybe we could sew him some gopher-sized dorky costumes, perhaps with some tassles and tafferta?
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post #39 of 69
4/22/08 at 5:00pm
Thread Starter 
To be honest, I haven't seen the gophers. Just their damage.

So they might be of the mutant variety.
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post #40 of 69
4/22/08 at 5:14pm
This whole Vader and gopher costume thing has me thinking of Gophers in hoodies. Just thought I'd share.
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post #41 of 69
4/22/08 at 5:19pm
And now I'm thinking of the Alvin and The Chipmunks movie. Thanks a lot, Miller.
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post #42 of 69
4/22/08 at 5:26pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Vader View Post
To be honest, I haven't seen the gophers. Just their damage.
Could be mole men. In which case, I recommend peeing.
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post #43 of 69
4/22/08 at 5:27pm
Thread Starter 
Well, I haven't seen it but my Dad has. Should've cleared that up.
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post #44 of 69
4/22/08 at 5:27pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by BobClark View Post
Could be mole men.
Is that what they call earth fuckers in your neck of the woods?
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post #45 of 69
4/22/08 at 5:37pm
Maybe if you get something like this:



you'll be able to crawl around in his skin for a few days and figure out how they think.
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post #46 of 69
4/22/08 at 5:45pm
Thread Starter 
That's the pose it'd make moments before it rapes me.
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post #47 of 69
4/22/08 at 6:01pm
What about the facial expression?
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post #48 of 69
4/22/08 at 6:08pm
Thread Starter 
Horror.
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post #49 of 69
4/22/08 at 6:17pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by EdHocken View Post
What about the facial expression?
Excited! Like a kid on Christmas.
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post #50 of 69
4/22/08 at 6:41pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by LisaNY View Post
See the way he just whips around and gives you the face?
FYI: You totally need audio for that clip to work properly, Lisa.
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