Worst Experiences in a Theater

Over at the thread concerning The Crow 2 I was reminded of a particularly bad experience in a theater ... and a few others quickly came to mind. Thought I'd share, mostly because I'm interested in what kinds of experiences others have had. I hope I'm not jinxed.

Alien (1980) Alien was slapped with an X rating in England, so I had a hard time seeing this movie. My first legitimate opportunity arrived when it was scheduled to show at a nearby U.S. military base. My dad took me and, as we found our seat, they announced that Alien did not arrive. Instead we were "treated" to a showing of The Final Countdown. For that added twist of the knife, the man operating the projector was drunk off his ass. He dropped cigarette ash on the film on several occasions causing it to melt and break, stopping the film more than once. (Irony: when Alien aired on television in England around 1982, the X-rated movie was broadcast uncut.)

Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter (1984) Where to begin? My friend's father dropped us off at the theater. When we went to buy our tickets they refused because we were only 12 years old. We walked away and regrouped, opting to buy tickets to Terms of Endearment and sneak into Friday the 13th. The audience scared me more than the movie: lots of people were cheering for Jason to kill people, and these calls got louder whenever a woman died. After the movie we had to wait for 2 hours to get picked up ... sometime around 11:30 p.m. my friend's father arrived, and admitted he forget he had taken us to the movies. Welcome to New Jersey.

The Keep (1984) For the last few months I had noticed that the combination of Snickers and Sprite made me nauseous. My friend had not figured this out, and wouldn't listen to my warnings. Halfway through the movie he pukes, leaving a big chunk of Snickers on his shoulder. He was sitting next to me.

Die Hard 2 (1990) A thunderstorm began after the movie started and knocked out power. The film stopped during a fight scene, just as Bruce Willis raises the icesicle ...

(pause 15 minutes)

... the film resumes with some guy screaming, something sticking out of his eye. What were we watching? I forget.

Highlander 2 (1991) As my brother and I waited in the lobby, a couple of guys leaving the theater were laughing at how bad the movie was. We were pissed off at them at first, then we actually watched the film ... and were mad at ourselves.

The Doors (1991) On the way out of the theater I hit the bathroom and found blood splattered all over one of the sinks. A lot of blood. I decided to piss when I got home.

Johnny Mnemonic (1995) Yeah, the movie sucked, but the experience didn't stop there. As I tried to make the most of a bad experience a bunch of assholes decided to laugh and talk as loudly as possible during the film. I lost my temper after listening to an hour of this nonsense and shouted "Shut the fuck up you morons!" They did, probably thinking some psychotic linebacker was sitting in the rows behind them. It didn't take long for me to realize that my girlfriend and I were the only other people in the theater and, when the lights came up, they'd figure out real fucking quick who had yelled at them. Luckily I made it out without having to fight ... or get arrested.


Batman and Robin (1997) Do I even have to explain this one? Worse, I was a newlywed/college student at the time, not to mention a huge Batman fan. I made a point of seeing this in the best theater possible, which meant an hour drive. Times were tight and I actually had to save money to go to the movies. What did I get for my trouble? The Bat Credit Card. (See also The Crow 2: City of Angels.)

Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon (2000) When the first subtitle appears you can literally feel the audience tense up, followed by a few nervous chuckles from people who didn't think reading was going to be a requirement. I was embarrassed to be Southern that night. It was not the first time, nor would it be the last.

The Return of the King (2003) There were two theaters in town: a nice, 10-screen modern multiplex, and a 2-screen mall theater that hadn't been updated since Three's Company was on the air. Guess which one got the final LotR movie? To make things really gross, this was during flu season. They packed us in like cattle and held the movie until every seat in the theater was filled, starting an already long movie 20 minutes late. When the lights went down all you could hear were people sucking snot and coughing.

Alien is my favorite film, but I've never seen it in a theater ... but yeah, I'll take not having seen it over putting up with that shit. I haven't been in a fight since 1987, but have come close a few times since. And every time it was over theater etiquette. It seems like a pretty easy concept to grasp.

What he said.

And your avatar looks just like my dad about 35 years ago. I'm about 85 percent sure my dad wasn't D.B. Cooper, but wow that sketch always throws me for a loop.

It seemed to be a pretty common experience at the time ... my brother had the same problem. Though it might have been a problem with the Sprite fountain at the theater, now that I think about it.

And as for the "how do you puke on you own shoulder" question, I have no idea. I just saw the consequence, not the action. He certainly vomited, and there was a chunk of chewed up Snickers on collar of his down vest (like the "lifejacket" Michael J. Fox wore in Back to the Future.) How it got there is anyone's guess.

On the upside, the manager of the theater let me have the poster to The Keep when we left. I got a lot of great B-movie posters at that theater ... 10 'til Midnight, Halloween III, Nightmares, etc.

I think the dumbest food-related incident I ever saw was something I participated in. In college, a friend and I decided to sneak a six-pack of beer into the theater during a showing of Interview with the Vampire.

Not cans. Bottles.

We lined the inside of his duster with these bottles, which were well concealed ... when he was standing still. As he walked down the dark aisle, though, everyone could hear the bottles knocking together. Just to prove we were total morons, one of us accidentally kicked over an empty bottle that was down by our feet. We could hear it roll from the back row down the concrete floor, stopping about half-way down the theater after hitting a chair support.

Not my finest moment.