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New Blogger Kumail Ali

post #1 of 13
6/18/08 at 2:03pm
Thread Starter 
Hey gang,

I'm a new blogger on chud.com. My name is Kumail Ali and a stand up comedian/writer living in Brooklyn. I grew up in Karachi, Pakistan, moved to the US 10 years ago, but learned most of my english watching Hollywood movies. Watched one every single day from the age of 7 to about 16 or so. My first blog is up right now.

http://chud.com/articles/blogs/691/T...kwardness.html

I'll try and post one every other day. Holla!

Kumail
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post #2 of 13
6/18/08 at 2:08pm
Quote:
Here is the worst of these occurrences. Watching a movie with my parents, the sex scene happens, I bury my face in the pillow. Except there is no fast forwarding. My mom yells my dad’s name. “Fast Forward it!” “I don’t think the battery is working.” And then I sat there, my face in a pillow, the sounds of simulated sex filling the air as my dad fumbles with the remote control, trying to change batteries. The moaning gets louder with each fumble, or maybe it just seems to get louder. My mom is yelling my dad’s name, I can hear my dad trying to get the batteries in the right way, as the two people on screen moan towards faked ecstasy. One giant moan, and then silence. And then, when its obviously too late, the windy whirring sounds of fast forwarding. There has never been a bigger disconnect between the way characters have felt on screen and the way that an audience has felt watching them. Or, in my case, hearing them. What I felt was the exact opposite of having sex. We all emerged from the episodes changed. That moment took something from each of us.
Glorious.

Looking forward to your contributions, sir!

Most awkward movie-sex moment around my parents had to have been the time that I left porn in the VCR. I thought my mom was going to have a heart attack. Then I suddenly wished that if any heart attacks were going to happen, the powers that be would aim them my way so that I could have gotten the fuck out of that horrifically awkward situation by any means necessary.
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post #3 of 13
6/18/08 at 2:17pm
I find this pretty interesting. Growing up, my parents did their best to shield me from the horrors of nudity (the "turn your head" defense being the most popular), but I'm pretty sure it had unintended consequences- whenever I'd be home alone, I'd race to the TV and do a quick pay-cable boob scan. Placing harsh taboos on natural ideas seems pretty counterintuitive.
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post #4 of 13
6/19/08 at 8:06pm
Thread Starter 
New blog about my disappointment on Indy here.

http://chud.com/articles/blogs/710/M...-SPOILERS.html
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post #5 of 13
6/23/08 at 4:22pm
Thread Starter 
New blog wishing a happy birthday to the World's BIggest Badass, Kris Kristofferson. Read to find out how INSANE this dude's life has been. He has packed in awesomeness from seven different awesome lifetimes into one super awesome life. I salute you, sir!

http://chud.com/articles/blogs/747/H...tofferson.html
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post #6 of 13
6/23/08 at 4:32pm
Man, I thought Kris was pretty awesome from the handful of songs and movies I knew him from, but jeezus, landing a helicopter in Johnny Cash's lawn...

BTW, that's a nice string of blogs you've got started there, Kumail!
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post #7 of 13
6/25/08 at 1:47pm
Thread Starter 
I have another blog up guys, this one about the phase of my life where I was really super into rom coms. Yup. Stop giggling. No, stop right now.

http://chud.com/articles/blogs/774/M...-rom-coms.html
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post #8 of 13
6/25/08 at 4:34pm
Thread Starter 
Thanks for saying that Jeremy! Hope you like the new one.

Kumail
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post #9 of 13
7/1/08 at 4:15pm
Thread Starter 
New blog about my least favorite genre of movies: the person who inspires others to truly live. Of course there are exceptions (Wall e being the most recent example) and some others. But I would say some of the worst movies of lal time fall into this category.

http://chud.com/articles/blogs/822/M...ruly-Live.html
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post #10 of 13
7/9/08 at 2:26pm
Thread Starter 
Sorry for the empty patch guys, had to get in another project on a strict deadline. Here is my new blog. Me on Lost.

http://chud.com/articles/blogs/878/A...ERS-AHEAD.html
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post #11 of 13
7/9/08 at 3:15pm
Your misinformed opinions on Lost will make you many enemies here. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!!
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post #12 of 13
7/16/08 at 6:02pm
Thread Starter 
New blog up about Hellboy 2. Its not a real review, since I believe you guys already know what you think of it. It's more... subjective than that.

http://chud.com/articles/blogs/926/H...-SPOILERS.html

Also, my computer died, which is why I haven't been able to blog in a while. But I'm back now!
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post #13 of 13
7/24/08 at 2:35pm
Thread Starter 
New article up about my love of, and eventual disillusionment with, The X files.

http://chud.com/articles/blogs/974/I...o-Believe.html

Please read it. And let me know of your experiences with this show.
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