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I've Got A Serious Fucking Problem

post #1 of 61
7/1/08 at 6:35am
Thread Starter 
and I hope I'm not the only one, because I feel like I'm in a cartoon.

I live in an apartment high rise by myself, and lately, I can't sleep. The reason is because of one thing: a fly. I truly believe this is the same fly every night, the one who can't resist flying into my ear and buzzing loudly to keep me awake. It's like this fly is some sort of jerk doing this for laughs. I have two beds, and I keep switching from one and the other, and the fucker keeps following me. I'm willing to entertain the notion of this all being made up, but other than that I have no clue and no solutions. Every time I jump up to swat the fucker, he's gone. I keep good hygiene and my sheets and pillows are constantly washed, so I can't see why the fly is so attracted- is it the heat? I've been sweating my way to sleep even with air conditioning, so maybe that's it. Whatever it is, it's slowly driving me insane and I'm really not sleeping anymore.

Does anyone else have this problem?
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post #2 of 61
7/1/08 at 7:06am
Maybe it's coming back because its young are already inside.
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post #3 of 61
7/1/08 at 7:21am
Sometimes have it where I work. You need to get one of those slow-release spray things that kills the fuckers dead. Just leave it by your bed and it'll melt the bastard.
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post #4 of 61
7/1/08 at 7:23am
I used to live right by the Buckeye Egg Farm here in Ohio. The fly situation was crazy. I would suggest buying a flystrip. They look hideous but they are quite effective. Also keep it as cold as possible in your apartment. I think flies can't fly in the cold.
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post #5 of 61
7/1/08 at 8:00am
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sherm View Post
I used to live right by the Buckeye Egg Farm here in Ohio. The fly situation was crazy. I would suggest buying a flystrip. They look hideous but they are quite effective. Also keep it as cold as possible in your apartment. I think flies can't fly in the cold.
Well, they can...but no insect appreciates the cold.

Also, Kabong...at my apartment, we have the same situation. We've named him Frank. His favorite way of bothering us is to buzz around in our face while we're watching TV.

Frank's also a bit of a perv...he likes to join in while one of us is showering.
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post #6 of 61
7/1/08 at 9:12am
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jared Melton View Post
Frank's also a bit of a perv...he likes to join in while one of us is showering.
Hey, you said I could come over any time!

On topic, earplugs might help.
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post #7 of 61
7/1/08 at 9:28am
Is everyone in this thread a Buddhist? How about crushing the fuck out of it and going back to sleep?
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post #8 of 61
7/1/08 at 9:31am
Shoot the wings...off the fly.

Seriously though, Stelios got it right. Annihilate these beasts.
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post #9 of 61
7/1/08 at 9:45am
Burn it.



I did this a long time ago when I was 11 to get rid of an ant problem (in the house) :-/
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post #10 of 61
7/1/08 at 10:33am
I thought there was a fly in my living room, but it turns out it was only one of those floaty imaginary black things in my eyeball. Maybe you have that, but the ear version.
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post #11 of 61
7/1/08 at 10:54am
There's a van outside your place running surveillance too.
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post #12 of 61
7/1/08 at 11:21am
Get an electric fly swatter. Kill the bastard and then try sticking your tongue on the fly swatter.
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post #13 of 61
7/1/08 at 11:32am
Quote:
Originally Posted by ElCapitanAmerica View Post
Burn it.



I did this a long time ago when I was 11 to get rid of an ant problem (in the house) :-/
Because there's NEVER a time when this link is inappropriate:
http://forums.somethingawful.com/sho...readid=2243176
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post #14 of 61
7/1/08 at 11:34am
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post #15 of 61
7/1/08 at 12:07pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by KABONG View Post
I keep good hygiene and my sheets and pillows are constantly washed, so I can't see why the fly is so attracted- is it the heat? I've been sweating my way to sleep even with air conditioning, so maybe that's it.
It has nothing to do with your hygiene, how sweaty you are, if you're wearing perfume or cologne, etc. Or any of the old wives tales about how if you eat alot of sweets, they like the sugar from your blood.

Nope, it's very simple - body chemistry. I also get eaten alive by mosquitos, and a few years ago, I finally read a science article about it. Seems the little fuckers are attracted to certain pheremones you give out through your normal body chemistry. So you can shower and change your sheets and not sweat and not eat candy and not wear cologne till you drop - the little assholes will still go after YOU because of something you can't control.

And honestly? I'm with Stelios on this one. Kill the hell out of the little fuckers. If they're going to leave big pink welts all over my body all summer long, I'm gonna smoosh the shit out of them if they land on me.
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post #16 of 61
7/1/08 at 12:12pm
Ever had any issues with OCD, depression or the like?
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post #17 of 61
7/1/08 at 12:15pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by DARKMITE8 View Post
Man, I SUCKED at that level.

On topic, one time on my way to work, a moth literally flew in my ear as I was walking out of my building. It was one of the most bizarre/scariest moments of my life. Every time the moth buzzed it's wings to try and get out, it sounded like a chainsaw in my head, because it was right up against my eardrum. I ran back upstairs and kept shaking my head and trying to find something small enough to dig it out of my ear, but nothing was working, plus every time I tried it freaked the moth out and he buzzed my brain even louder. Finally I threw off my clothes, and jumped in the shower, letting the water shoot directly into my ear, and that flushed the little bastard out of my life. When I got to work and told my boss what happened, there was no grief dealt to me for being late. I believe his response was "Even if you're lying, you get points for a having a crazy fucking story...".

So yeah, don't let the fly in your ear.
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post #18 of 61
7/1/08 at 12:25pm
Three things:

1. If you hear a disembodied voice whisper " Geeeeet Ouuuuuttt!" COmply inmmediately.

2. What El Capitan failed to mention is that he is now on house #2 (hence the solving of the ant problem in House #1).

3. A friend once told me that one of the guys who discovered King Tut's tomb had a bug (a scarab beetle, I think) crawl into his ear. He couldn't get it out, and it eventually died i there, causing the man untold months (or was it years?) of agony. Pieces of it were removed with tweezers every so often. . . as they wroked their way behind his EYEBALLS. I'm told the ordeal drove the bugger (pardon the pun) kind of mad.

So yes, do avoid letting insects get lodged in your ear. You're a very lucky man, Chris. Very lucky indeed.

MUA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!
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post #19 of 61
7/1/08 at 12:28pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by The LD View Post
Because there's NEVER a time when this link is inappropriate:
http://forums.somethingawful.com/sho...readid=2243176
You know, when I first read that sometime last year, it was hilarious...

I can honestly say that it's definitely hilarious the second time around.
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post #20 of 61
7/1/08 at 12:36pm
Damn, ElCapitan had the win in this thread, but then DARKMITE pulls a last second rally and captures the trophy.
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post #21 of 61
7/1/08 at 12:46pm
More importantly, you have two beds? Are they in the same room? If so... why?
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post #22 of 61
7/1/08 at 12:54pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bailey View Post
Maybe it's coming back because its young are already inside.
Even though the rents were cheap I knew moving into Cronenberg Terrace was a bad idea.
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post #23 of 61
7/1/08 at 1:04pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Doc Happenin View Post
Damn, ElCapitan had the win in this thread, but then DARKMITE pulls a last second rally and captures the trophy.
I'd like to see Darkmite's win, but my freaking work firewall is blocking the image. Any chance of someone reposting the image?
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post #24 of 61
7/1/08 at 1:26pm
I can't compete against the great Bee Holocaust of 2006.

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post #25 of 61
7/1/08 at 1:36pm
Bee Invasion my ass. You just wanted to light playground shit on fire didn't you?
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post #26 of 61
7/1/08 at 3:07pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by EdHocken View Post
Even though the rents were cheap I knew moving into Cronenberg Terrace was a bad idea.
This is the winner. And my new sig.
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post #27 of 61
7/1/08 at 3:19pm
Oh great, so now we're finding it funny to set fire to Bees?!
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post #28 of 61
7/1/08 at 3:24pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bees?! View Post
Oh great, so now we're finding it funny to set fire to Bees?!
Yeah. BeeBQ.
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post #29 of 61
7/1/08 at 8:03pm
Thread Starter 
Squashing this fucker doesn't work because it's keeping me from sleep- it's pitch black, and I can't see the damn thing! I get up, flailing, and then I stay awake like a paranoid bastard waiting for that bug to cross into my line of sight through my giant mirror. I probably am going insane because of this.
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post #30 of 61
7/1/08 at 10:23pm


Cures most fucking problems. Even serious ones.
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post #31 of 61
7/1/08 at 10:50pm
What's the matter, haven't you ever read any Goosebumps? It's obviously a relative of yours who was shrunk into a fly and is trying to whisper into your ear for help! Look into this.
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post #32 of 61
7/1/08 at 11:14pm
This thread would have been a rep fucking BONANZA in the old days.
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post #33 of 61
7/1/08 at 11:27pm
When you do find it and try to squash it... wait until it lands, get a newspaper or some other good swatting material, and swat from the back!

Meaning: aim at his ass/as if he's going to move backwards from whatever spot he's in! This is seemingly how they take off so goddamn quickly. Once I learned this, taking out flies is easy. Sounds weird, but try it. It works.
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post #34 of 61
7/1/08 at 11:29pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Paul McCartney View Post
What's the matter, haven't you ever read any Goosebumps? It's obviously a relative of yours who was shrunk into a fly and is trying to whisper into your ear for help! Look into this.
http://media.monstersandcritics.com/...mages/fly3.jpg
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post #35 of 61
7/2/08 at 12:31pm
It's clear that Kabong is slowly spiraling into an Apocalypse Now-esque maddnesss. In fact did you or did you not try to perform karate moves in the nude?
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post #36 of 61
7/3/08 at 2:39am
Thread Starter 
Another sleepless ngiht, I'm pretty certain this bodes ill for an oncoming zombie apocalypse.
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post #37 of 61
7/3/08 at 3:02am
GET THEM OFF ME!

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post #38 of 61
7/3/08 at 5:09am
Tie a plastic bag over your head. The fly won't be able to get in, and you'll sleep like a log.

FOREVER.
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post #39 of 61
7/5/08 at 6:57am
KABONG, is the fly gone? Because I think the fucker has set up shop in my bedroom now.

This could be the beginning of some sort of hostile fly takeover.
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post #40 of 61
7/5/08 at 11:10pm
Thread Starter 
Honestly, the other day, I took out about five different flies in one early morning. Since then, though, I keep imagining and anticipating another one will fly back into my ear. I'm very tweakish right now, very unsettled.
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post #41 of 61
7/5/08 at 11:15pm
Tweakish eh? Are you sure you haven't been smoking meth this entire time?
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post #42 of 61
7/5/08 at 11:19pm
They're probably attracted to all the dead porn stars you keep around as realdolls.
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post #43 of 61
7/6/08 at 1:19am
Thread Starter 
Go fuck yourself to hell, you little shitstain.
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post #44 of 61
7/6/08 at 1:28am
OHHHHHHHH YOU LITTLE SHIT!
I'll meet you in the parking lot!
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post #45 of 61
7/6/08 at 3:11am
I wouldn't be surprised if BobClark was behind all of this.
CALL OFF YOUR GENETICALLY ENGINEERED SUPER-FLIES, BOB!! Enough is Enough.
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post #46 of 61
7/6/08 at 3:12am
Quote:
Originally Posted by BobClark View Post
They're probably attracted to all the dead porn stars you keep around as realdolls.
Quote:
Originally Posted by KABONG View Post
Go fuck yourself to hell, you little shitstain.
Jeez, between this and the myers thread, everybody's all up-in-arms this weekend.
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post #47 of 61
7/6/08 at 3:53am
I can't keep up with all this KABONG action. It's is like missing a few weeks of a soap opera. Whatever happened with that hot fortyish supervisor at your day care center?
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post #48 of 61
7/6/08 at 10:07am
Quote:
Originally Posted by KABONG View Post
I'm very tweakish right now, very unsettled.
Dude, lay off on the substance D.
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post #49 of 61
7/6/08 at 11:24am
Quote:
Originally Posted by Napoleon Rodriguez View Post
I can't keep up with all this KABONG action. It's is like missing a few weeks of a soap opera. Whatever happened with that hot fortyish supervisor at your day care center?
THIS GUY WORKS WITH KIDS?!?!
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post #50 of 61
7/6/08 at 1:17pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by wadew1 View Post
I wouldn't be surprised if BobClark was behind all of this.
CALL OFF YOUR GENETICALLY ENGINEERED SUPER-FLIES, BOB!! Enough is Enough.


Awwwwww, yeahhhhh!
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