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Murderous, nose-hungry chimps loose in California

post #1 of 82
7/1/08 at 2:11pm
Thread Starter 
http://www.comcast.net/articles/news.../Chimp.Escape/

The below contains all real data gleaned form the article. I'm presenting it in a fictitious dialogue format. Sound effects are labeled with brackets.

__________________________________________________ ______________________________

Officer McCarthy: [Knock! Knock!]

The door opens.

Officer McCarthy: Yes, hello, I'm officer Joe McCarthy, and I'm responding to the call about the missing chimpan-GAAAAH!



St. James Davis: [SLURP] Yes, we made the call. ::wipes nasal cavity:: [GLURFF-SLURG]. I'm St. James Davis.

Officer McCarthy: Uh... I... I can see you're really broken up about this, Mr. Davis. What can you tell me about the missing animal?

St. James Davis: Well, he's 42 years old, and he's been trained to use cutlery and [BLURGG-SPURT] toilets.

Officer McCarthy: May I ask what happened to your nose?

St. James Davis: It was eaten by chimps, along with a sizable portion of my buttocks.

Officer McCarthy: So wait- the missing chimp ate your nose?

St. James Davis: No, I said chimpS, not the chimp. [BORSCHT-GURGGLE]
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post #2 of 82
7/1/08 at 2:23pm
Quote:
"He was the best man at my wedding."
Wow.

I'd run away too if I had to look at that every day.
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post #3 of 82
7/1/08 at 2:24pm
You saw the part where they ate his balls too, right?
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post #4 of 82
7/1/08 at 2:25pm
Thread Starter 
Yeah. This is easily my favorite story of the month.
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post #5 of 82
7/1/08 at 2:25pm
His best man may have possibly eaten his balls.
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post #6 of 82
7/1/08 at 2:26pm
Thread Starter 
His balls were turned into ape calories.
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post #7 of 82
7/1/08 at 2:27pm
Minsky! I'm at work! You could have at least posted that guy's nasal cavity in the Sex forum, or linked it "NSFW"!

On the other hand, considering the chimps chewed off his testicles and inserted a shiny new vagina on his face, I think he accidentally got a sex change operation. It's just in the wrong spot is all...

(Is it wrong for laughing that one of the links in the lower right hand corner of the article is called "Delicious"?)
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post #8 of 82
7/1/08 at 2:29pm
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by LisaNY View Post
On the other hand, considering the chimps chewed off his testicles and insterted a shiny new vagina on his face, I think he accidentally got a sex change operation. It's just in the wrong spot is all...
Yeah, it's weird that they decided to graft his wife's vagina onto his face after he lost his nose. It's like some twisted take on Gift of the Magi.
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post #9 of 82
7/1/08 at 2:29pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jake View Post
You saw the part where they ate his balls too, right?
Bingo. This is the point at which I believe that chimpanzees, any chimpanzees, should no longer be a part of your life. I try not to hold a lot of grudges, but if something bites off my testicles (and nose, buttocks, etc.), I avoid whatever that is for a good, long time.
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post #10 of 82
7/1/08 at 2:31pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Minsky View Post
Yeah, it's weird that they decided to graft his wife's vagina onto his face after he lost his nose. It's like some twisted take on Gift of the Magi.
I eagerly await the arrival of Skulhedface to draft Mr. Davis as his loyal sidekick.
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post #11 of 82
7/1/08 at 2:32pm
Quote:
The chimps nearly killed St. James Davis, chewing off his nose, testicles and foot and biting off chunks of his buttocks and legs.
And the cool thing is, the chimps dined out on that story for months.
Quote:
Originally Posted by misfit View Post
but if something bites off my testicles (and nose, buttocks, etc.).
And a foot and part of his legs!
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post #12 of 82
7/1/08 at 2:39pm
What the hell?

This has to be an allegorical piece about the generation gap, the breakdown of the modern family and the blurring of the lines between the genders.

So, when his wife kisses him, is it also cunnilingus?
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post #13 of 82
7/1/08 at 2:43pm
Look on the bright side, at least he can't pick his nose anymore.
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post #14 of 82
7/1/08 at 3:08pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by billylove View Post
Look on the bright side, at least he can't pick his nose anymore.
No, but he can stick a tampon up there pretty easily.
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post #15 of 82
7/1/08 at 3:12pm
It's not the same chimp as the one missing. You guys know that, right?

He was attacked a few years ago by another chimp, who was shot down.
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post #16 of 82
7/1/08 at 3:17pm
Clearly the other chimp was the ringleader and has now made good his escape.
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post #17 of 82
7/1/08 at 3:19pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tati View Post
It's not the same chimp as the one missing. You guys know that, right?

He was attacked a few years ago by another chimp, who was shot down.
I realize that, yes. Which doesn't make it any less hilarious.
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post #18 of 82
7/1/08 at 3:42pm
Appreciates the nose:
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post #19 of 82
7/1/08 at 3:42pm
Chimps: nature's Droogs.
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post #20 of 82
7/1/08 at 3:44pm


Link is gonna fuckin cut ya man!
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post #21 of 82
7/1/08 at 3:59pm
...what the fuck is that?
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post #22 of 82
7/1/08 at 4:00pm
Need moar monkey knife fights.

http://byrdknifefight.ytmnd.com/
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post #23 of 82
7/1/08 at 4:06pm
Kinda puts my Great Adventure monkey story in a new light, huh?

And God bless his wife. Imagine the fun and hijinks when this guy gets a sneezing fit.
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post #24 of 82
7/1/08 at 4:37pm
I knew he was trouble! You can tell just by looking at him!

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post #25 of 82
7/1/08 at 4:38pm
Christ, this Reagan looking bastard was right all aong.

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post #26 of 82
7/1/08 at 5:02pm
This... this is why I ALWAYS listen to Ernie Hudson and not Tim Curry.
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post #27 of 82
7/1/08 at 5:16pm
I'm... I'm at a loss for words.


*opens Photoshop*
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post #28 of 82
7/1/08 at 9:37pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nexus-7 View Post
I'm... I'm at a loss for words.
And HE'S at a loss for smell!

(Sorry, this is just my favorite thread today!)
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post #29 of 82
7/1/08 at 10:53pm
Thread Starter 
What the hell is that on his face? Does he have bolts or pins or something sticking out of his nose to keep it from flying open?
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post #30 of 82
7/1/08 at 11:20pm
They actually look like magnetic mounts for a prosthetic.
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post #31 of 82
7/1/08 at 11:56pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Richard Dickson View Post
They actually look like magnetic mounts for a prosthetic.
Ohhh, he has a snap on nose? Awesome! Different shapes, different sizes! The Bob Hope! The Richard Nixon! Pinocchio! Of course, right now, he could get cast in the next Harry Potter movie as Voldemort, and give Ralph Fiennes a break from that nose makeup.
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post #32 of 82
7/2/08 at 12:42am
Quote:
Originally Posted by Richard Dickson View Post
They actually look like magnetic mounts for a prosthetic.
You think he has them for his gonads as well?
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post #33 of 82
7/2/08 at 1:08am
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Richard Dickson View Post
They actually look like magnetic mounts for a prosthetic.
so why in GODS NAME ISNT HE WEARING IT?!?... nightmares...
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post #34 of 82
7/2/08 at 1:12am
Quote:
Originally Posted by Minsky View Post
so why in GODS NAME ISNT HE WEARING IT?!?
Also a valid point.
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post #35 of 82
7/2/08 at 6:28am
Quote:
Originally Posted by Minsky View Post
so why in GODS NAME ISNT HE WEARING IT?!?... nightmares...
Well, you know how some people like to take off their eyeglasses when they're having an important picture taken. I guess it's SORTA the same thing...
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post #36 of 82
7/2/08 at 6:40am
Quote:
Originally Posted by LisyNY
And HE'S at a loss for smell!
Smell no Evil


Quote:
Originally Posted by Nexus-7
You think he has them for his gonads as well?
Fertilize no Evil
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post #37 of 82
7/2/08 at 9:31am
Quote:
Originally Posted by Minsky View Post
so why in GODS NAME ISNT HE WEARING IT?!?... nightmares...
Probably out having it cleaned and Martinized. I can only imagine how bloody and snot-encrusted such a device gets after awhile.

Enjoy your breakfasts, folks!
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post #38 of 82
7/2/08 at 9:47am
Quote:
Originally Posted by Timothy225 View Post
Probably out having it cleaned and Martinized. I can only imagine how bloody and snot-encrusted such a device gets after awhile.

Enjoy your breakfasts, folks!
You sonofabitch.

*continues eating his own boogers*
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post #39 of 82
7/2/08 at 10:02am
Mmmm.... soft boiled eggs.

And going further back up the page, because this really deserves the love that it didn't get:
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ratty View Post
Chimps: nature's Droogs.
So excellent.
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post #40 of 82
7/2/08 at 10:30am
Quote:
Originally Posted by Richard Dickson View Post
They actually look like magnetic mounts for a prosthetic.
I remember the first time I saw something like this. It was back in the old days when you had to do something called "Channel Surf" to find something good on TV. I was innocently flicking through channels and saw someone remove most of the left side of their face like those removable parts of the Steve Austin doll showing his bionic bits.

It remains one of the most shocking things I have ever seen, if only for the incongruity of the thing. And what was almost worse was watching the remainder of whatever show it was and being completely enthralled/repelled by the *sound* of the prosthetics being attached and removed. It sounded almost exactly like the sound of the snaps on those old western-style shirts. The ones that looks sort of like mother-of-pearl. If you've ever encountered one of those shirts, you know exactly what it sounds like. <shudder>

And then there was the guy who couldn't quite get a snap to snap, and was wrenching his own poor face to push the freaking thing on...

It has haunted me for many years, and I thought I would share.
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post #41 of 82
7/2/08 at 4:50pm
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post #42 of 82
7/3/08 at 12:51pm
But how does he smell??
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post #43 of 82
7/3/08 at 12:56pm
Probably doesn't.
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post #44 of 82
7/3/08 at 12:58pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by EdHocken View Post
Probably doesn't.
Oh man, come'on ... I perfectly set you up for the "terrible" joke.
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post #45 of 82
7/3/08 at 1:00pm
Sorry my Canuck friend, I'm not always hip to the jokes. As you can tell, I'm not hip either.
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post #46 of 82
7/3/08 at 1:03pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mr. Freeze View Post
But how does he smell??
AWFUL!

Couldn't leave ya hangin', homeslice.
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post #47 of 82
7/3/08 at 1:08pm
Thanks Tim, (High-Fives)
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post #48 of 82
7/3/08 at 1:37pm
I say, I say, I say...what do you call a chimp with two noses?

Hungry.
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post #49 of 82
7/3/08 at 2:30pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mr. Freeze View Post
But how does he smell??
See, I was gonna help you out, but I scrolled down and saw Tim had it covered.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Graham View Post
I say, I say, I say...what do you call a chimp with two noses?

Hungry.
I love this thread.
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post #50 of 82
7/3/08 at 2:50pm
NASA scientist: Maybe we should finally tell them the big secret - that all the chimps we sent into space came back super intelligent and with a taste for human flesh.

Chimp in suit on rollerskates: Mmmmmmm-no. I don't think we'll be telling them that.
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