Outing myself as atheist to the family

My father works for the church. So it's basically the same problem you have, except I don't have the nerve to bring it up - I'll just smile and nod if they start to chastise me. My response to the religious friends has been: "It's something I'm struggling with. But I'd feel much better if you let me sort and reflect on this situation by myself."

People hold their beliefs very close to themselves so telling them it's "no big deal" (from my experience anyway) has only encouraged them to be more aggressive on the matter.

When I was thirteen my dad agreed with me that the idea of God is infantile and regressive, and then we cheersed. My condolences to you guys for not being able to tell the truth to your folks.

There's no way you would go to church just to keep the peace? I assume you don't get to see her very often, so wouldn't you want the visit to be as pleasent as possible? Just think of it as some entertainment.

EDIT: Obviously I mean just go to church with her that one time if she asks you. Not to start attending church every sunday.

Or on second thought you could walk the streets of Chicago with an AK-47 shooting innocent bystanders and the windows of small-businesses, screaming, "Where is your God now?!" Ya know, just in case you wanted to jump in head-first.

My advice - it's worth discussing only if it seems like everyone can keep cool heads on the topic. If not, it's not worth ruining your vacation over.

If the latter is true, just say that you find it in poor taste to discuss religion (and/or politics, as one often seems to follow the other these days) at the dinner table (or wherever you happen to be at the time). And if it seems like they're going to make a federal case out of you not going to church, just feign illness.

You love your sister to death, but you've never met her husband? Not even at their wedding?

I understand completely. Of course you could just fake it the way Daniel Plainview did.

It would only be an hour out of your life, and its not like you believe it anyway. Would make things easier for you.

Why? If I don't want to go to a fucking church, I shouldn't have to go to a fucking church.

I outed myself as non-religious in a predominantly Southern Baptist town in the Bible Belt. The endless amounts of shit I got from other people in town and family members was nauseating, and I'm fairly certain the soundtrack to my junior high/high school years would be a continuous loop of hick voices screaming "YOU'RE GOING TA HELL!"

And that's not even counting the times that my uncle would get shitfaced (while driving!) and start seething hellfire and brimstone and beer breath at me.

I think I would have preferred being raped by a preacher when I was thirteen and just getting all that shit out of the way.

That being said, you're older than I was when I drew my battle lines, so I'd hope that they'd at least respect your decision. It's not like people would think that capricious youth would contribute to your choice...hopefully...

I would do a singing telegram.

Or Strip-O-Gram. Whatever your preference.

My family isn't really judgmental about these things, but it's not an easy topic to broach. Try to stay calm, try to talk in generalities rather than "you think..." type statements. I really don't know what else to tell you, because it depends so much on your specific relationship with your sister and mom. But hey, if it all goes to shit and you're outcast from the family, drop me a line and I'll buy you a "we just rot away when we die" drink.

If someone or a family member I knew didn't want to go to church. I wouldn't go. Of course, I'm not a bible thumper hellfire brimstone kinda guy.

I've been in a similar situation. For me, it worked to be understanding but firm. Of course, the best way to handle the situation depends entirely on your family dynamic, but it sounds like the key personnel (i.e. your Mom) might not even be all that surprised about your atheism anyway. It sounds like your sister and her husband might be the most vocal about the situation. You might want to diffuse the whole thing early and meet with her separately, rather than endure turning into a seething ball of rage when she tries to drag you off to church.

It's the worst when you get the "I'm gonna pray for you!" response.

Just be honest and polite. If your family can't handle your atheism, that's their problem. Don't subjugate your ethics just to appease possible critics.

That's the motherfucking thing that bugs me the most. You are not supposed to judge.

This pisses me off so much, that I'll get into heated arguments with people that are supposed to be my peers.

Agreed. And I'll buy the second round.

I just say, "Fine. I'll reason for you."

Try this: instead of taking that statement as them judging you, take it as they've found something that makes a truly positive impact in their life and they would like for you to experience that part of it.

That's likely not the way it was truly intended, but it tends to make things a little less stressful if you read it that way.

There's a big difference between not believing and being respectful than not believing and getting into arguments.

I would be polite like Jacob said. Religion is a personal thing. You should be able to believe what you want to believe and no one, including family, should hate you for it.

If they have a problem, that's their decision. You shouldn't have to accommodate for them at all. If you don't want to attend church, you shouldn't have to. And they should respect that.

I'm guessing you're an adult, so maybe you should be treated like one.

I've never gotten mad at someone wanting to pray for me. I suppose it could be considered condescending, but well-wishes have never cost me any sleep. Nor, on the other hand, have voodoo curses.

I meant "I'm gonna pray for you!" as in "I'm gonna pray for your speedy recovery form this atheism phase you're going through, heathen!".

Avoidance is probably best. With religious parents and atheist kids it's almost the opposite of Santa Clause. You don't want to outright LIE but if someone you love takes comfort and pleasure in a belief then why crap all over it if you don't have to?

I don't get too bent out of shape for the "I'll pray for you" thing - a true believer honestly (you know, in their soul) believes that you are going to cease to exist or worse if you don't Believe. Think about what it does to someone who loves you if they truly believe you, special little snowflake that you are, are going to be damned for all eternity? And all they can do is pray and try to get you to see the "error" of your ways.

On the other hand, if someone gets pushy or overly judgmental I reckon you've got to draw a line.

I guess I just don't understand this idea of walking on eggshells around believers.

I recently told someone who said they "would pray for me" that I hoped instead that they would "think for themselves." I was proud of my wittiness.

Anyway, there's no good way to tell religious family members/friends that you're an atheist. They won't see it as a personal philosophy, they will interpret it as: "my son/daughter/friend thinks that I will die and rot in the ground, and doesn't believe that there is such a thing as good and evil", etc.

I wouldn't lie to them. If they ask your opinions/beliefs, tell them what they are. I wouldn't argue with them either, unless they specifically ask for your response. You will never, ever, ever change their minds with accusations or arguments.

I have reached the point in my life where I no longer obfuscate my personal beliefs on this issue. The reason religious zealots have so much power is because they're operating in a vacuum; people don't want to be rude. Fuck that. Thinking I'm an evil person and going to hell because I don't have the right imaginary friend is far more impolite than anything I believe in.

My dad's a minister, I imagine people around here know that cause I've posted a few threads in this section about his problems with the church.

It's not him that I'm afraid of telling, it's my mother. She's not going to be one of those "My son is going straight to hell!" people but it would probably break her heart all the same.

It'll probably end up being something we just don't bring up. I can handle going to church once in a great while. I just don't pay it any mind. I know it's not true, so why get involved or get angry about it? It's just like sitting through a boring movie. Least I can do to make my mother happy. Like some above have posted: "a peaceful non-issue".

It's not really about that, it's about family. And that means secrets, resentment, and condescension, regardless of whether we're talking about religion, politics, choice of career or Uncle Jimmy's 3-5 year "vacation" in Leavenworth.

I end up church or temple every once in a while for weddings and the like, and I'm always fascinated. Particularly by Catholic Church. I just look around at the alien-ness of it and marvel at what groupthink can accomplish.

Oh, and Nordling, the way I ended family church obligations was by explaining to my mother 1) I felt it was insulting to those who sincerely believed for me to show up and pretend to, and 2) if there was a God, He isn't going to be fooled by my attendance either. I'd lean more on 1) if you are trying to end that discussion.

Participating in Mass would only be groupthink if everybody agreed on most issues, I have yet to attend a Church were that is the case.

This is an interesting topic, somebody was posting about "walking on egg shells", but depending on your relationship with your family it is not unreasonable to be tactful about things like this if you are close to them or value their relationship.

I actually sort of had to do the opposite of this, actually tell my family I was really into what they treated as a cultural religion (once or twice a year to Mass) and the reaction to it was very interesting. I also thing in some ways, specially being a teenager, I could have been more sensitive to my family about it but I reactive negatively because they all of the sudden thought I had become a fanatic, specially when I told them I was interested in the priesthood for a little while ...

Good luck with your family, hopefully there will be understanding all around.

Sounds like their fears that you were on your way to fanaticism were justified.

**please keep in mind that the term "fanatic" in and of itself, is not perjorative.

No one's advocating running up to family members and calling them simple-minded superstitious idiots. Obviously tact is called for. Manners count. All I'm saying is that believers seem to get this special credit wherein it's somehow the non-believers responsibility to be the ones who are tactful and considerate.

I just get weirded out. At least my family was Episcopalian, though. I attended a few Southern Baptist sermons and that shit was even worse.

Even worse when they start howling about how you're gonna go to hell and you ask them to stop, and they look at you like you're the one who's being an irrational dick.

Wait a second, Singer, I'm going to have pull a quote from a post of yours from about eight months ago:

http://chud.com/forum/whatjacobsinge...?do-230118.com

My folks were both lapsed Catholics, and growing up, I wasn't raised in a religious household -- thank Christ. I think my old man's recently found Jesus again, since it's sort of the "in" thing for Republicans to do these days.

Religion has always struck me as bizarre. The various belief systems seem designed specifically to fuck with you. I guess the tradeoff of 80+ years of being mind-fucked is that you get to spend all of eternity in heaven. But if the best God can do is the human race, I have serious doubts that the afterlife is all it's cracked up to be.

BUSTED!

Where do I turn in my politeness card?

Same place you picked up your common-sense merit badge.

Cool, there's almost never anybody in that line.

What is this bullshit about manners and excuses? If it comes up, tell them you're an atheist. They'll come to terms with it if they can accept who you are as an individual. But they're family and may not. So would you rather have a relationship based on lies, or none at all, in that case? Your atheism itself shows a departure from how they raised and knew you; there has to be a break in the tradition eventually.

Just send them a link to this thread.

"Would you like to come to Church with us?"

"No thanks."

"Why not?"

"I'm not a Christian. I don't believe in god."


And that's that. If religion doesn't come up, leave it be and admire the silverware during Grace, should evangelicals say Grace.

God used to post on CHUD. He took out Phil Owen. What do ya people need, water to wine?

Phil Owen's grandmother is God? Damn, he better clean up that facebook profile of his.

Alan? hum.... anyone hear from him?

I once dated a girl who's grandmother was a christen scientist. The look on her face when I asked her if she had any aspirin was PRICELESS

Jacob Singer is my hero. Some great stuff in here.

I'd go with something along the lines of "I spend a lot of time thinking about God and religion. I think it's a very personal journey." I'd leave off the part where you call them names and ridicule the 'true believers'. But that's just me.

Amazing, I was going to start this very thread today.

I let my sister know that I was an atheist yesterday. She was talking about our upbringing and the indoctrination we encountered growing up in a Southern Baptist/ Catholic split home. The funny thing is that I am the straight arrow of the family and my sisters were always the club going black sheep. When I told her that I am an atheist she started crying.

It was hard for me to say "Ha! Just kiddin' sis, Jesus is my homeboy!", but I told her that it was the logical conclusion that I have come to with the experiences and studying I have done. She then stated that perhaps the reasons I have had obstacles in my life (which have not been many to be honest, my life has been blissfully average) was because of my lack of faith. I then explained to her that ALL people have obstacles in life and that it was just part of the human condition and has nothing to do with a deity pulling the strings. I also got to use Devin's "God being a cosmic DJ taking requests" line that made her laugh and lighten the situation.

Just be honest, but respectful like others have suggested.