Outing myself as atheist to the family - Page 2

I let my born-again Christian mother know fairly early in my teens that I was an athiest. Of course, this led to many epic, wheel-spinning arguments and me being dragged to church every Sunday till I was 18. She was hoping the Lord would speak to me. Unfortunately for her, it's hard to hear anybody, even Jesus, when you're half-asleep on a Sunday morning.

We don't talk about it anymore. She still thinks I'm going to hell, but as long as I give her a couple of grandkids, she'll be cool about everything.

Or you could add 3) I've got football pregame shows to catch up on.

But yeah, 1) is likely your best bet.

relocate to Europe...

It blows my mind when I hear Christians talk about how hard it is for them in today's society. You know... with all the ACLU rulings... the taking the prayers out of school... when they have to defend the "In God We Trust" on the dollar bill or defending the "Under God" portion of the Pledge.

You know... it's like those white guys in the 60s who needed to back off of sexual harassing women and given them and black people jobs.

My mother-in-law, or any other Christian, can throw a line about how God can help in a situation in the company of people, but it's offensive for an aetheist to express views.

It's so fucking backwards, it's unbelievable.

I remember some guy telling me he'd pray to turn my roast beef into ham because I was eating it on a Friday. No, really.

It's funny, cause in my circle of friends and family it's the religious ones who usually keep quiet while the rest of us talk about how redundant and silly religion is. They tend to just sit there until we realize we've made them uncomfortable, then we change the subject.

I'm sure he meant it in the worst way possible, but I suspect that can't be the worst thing to happen to you. I mean, hey, ham sandwich. I'll take it.

When I read threads like these, I realize exactly how lucky I am to have the parents and friends I do. Growing up, religion wasn't even a topic of conversation...it was pretty much understood that we all thought the whole thing was ridiculous. My Mom's entire extended family is non-religious, while my dad's side is a mix. I don't have any religious friends. I've never had to have the kind of awkward conversation that you're facing. I spent nearly every Sunday of my youth sleeping in to almost noon. It was bliss.

The fist time I even set foot in a church was in my mid-twenties, and that was to shoot a commercial for a tiny little church in south Texas. I've only ever been again for weddings, and I always feel very, very uncomfortable.*

Alan, you have my sympathies. Good luck.

*I used to feel this way at high school football games too (I was in marching band). I still can't believe they get away with having a prayer broadcast over the PA before every game. It's a school event!

I actually told him to keep his sky god magic away from my lunch.

Crap. Best of luck to ya, Alan.

I guess I'd throw in with the "play nice and deflect the issue" route, even if it means sucking it up and going to church for an hour. At least for me, I can gut it out that long on rare occasions, but I had to draw the line when my sister asked me to be the godfather for my oldest nephew. Of course that resulted in a sobbing family intervention, even though I'd been mostly clear on that belief since fifth grade. I know you have to be true to yourself, but it sounds like the religion thing doesn't come up that often. If doing some church-related stuff (if only for a weekend) will maintain the non-confrontation that you're hoping for, I say go for it. I know I don't need to say this, but there's a give-and-take in order to be a "big person" so long as it doesn't wholly compromise how you define yourself.

Just tell them.And if they give you any shit throw a bible quote at them."And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free"

it's funny, i have been an athiest my whole life...as a kid i didn't realize you could have "no" religion. so i never knew what to say. Once i got older, and i could convey to people that i just didn't believe in god or anything like it, i did. It was never a problem for my family, who are all over the place with religious beliefs anyway. my mom lovingly calls me a pagan...

What i find really interesting, is how much the public at large has a problem with it. If it ever comes up, and i always try to avoid the topic, people suddenly get insulted by me. I remain very respectful of their beliefs, but i get trounced for mine. i've even had people stop being friends with me over it, though they weren't that close to begin with.

so much for loving thy fellow man.

I was raised Catholic. Went to Catholic school all the way up to high school, and I couldn't stand it. I was extremely turned off by how we were all expected to conform to a strict set of rules for the rest of our lives. I don't need someone else telling me how to live my damn life. I told my mother that I did not want to be Catholic anymore, and she basically ignored me and forced me to go to several religious retreats. I became more and more embittered toward her and religion. By the time confirmation rolled around, I couldn't take anymore. I walked out of the church before the ceremony started and caught a taxi home. Mom was naturally enraged (dad's agnostic, he couldn't have cared less) when she got home, but I told her flat-out that I found Catholicism to be a load of repressive bullshit and that I would no longer be asociated with it. She claims to be alright with it now, but she still makes little snide comments here and there. I've learned to just ignore it.

Well, my parents and I would assume my sister and I just pretty much became lapsed Catholics, just flat out stopped caring about it. Though I'm more agnostic these days.

I used to feel that my family was composed entirely of closeted atheists, afraid to reveal themselves, but that's not the case. I never "came out," though there are some times when I feel it might be understood. I feel hampered by never being comfortable enough to talk what is part of my worldview around them. In fact, I think I might be kind of reactionarily anti-Christian to an unpleasant degree, because group religion makes me think of messing with kids' heads the way I feel mine was.

So, if it's worrying you so much you posted a thread about it, at some point make a point to get it off your chest.

I really don't understand the peacemaking attitude of "just don't mention it, pretend you're with them, go to church, keep your mouth shut". That's just plain awful.

First of all, how disrespectful of your family. You're going to spend your entire life lying to them about who you are? That's fucked up. Your family should absolutely be told what you believe.

Secondly, expecting an atheist to go to church just to make the family happy is all kinds of wrong. If a Christian family's son converted to Islam, would they be expected to attend his services just to make him happy? I think not.

As somebody already mentioned, it's ridiculous that it's the people who don't believe who are expected to keep it to themselves and not upset anyone, while the believers are actively encouraged to throw their shit around the cage. I am in no way ashamed of what I believe (or don't), and I refuse to pretend that I am ashamed just to "keep the peace". Atheism shouldn't be treated like necrophilia. It's not a dirty little secret.

At this stage in my life, if I ever have someone who gets combative about their faith (even family), I will fight back in kind. Because I'm still immature that way and I would get some kick out of it.

Too bad I don't actually have religious family members (not that I'm aware of anyway). But I do have some close friends who ARE religious. That ones a little tougher, since I obviously want to keep them as friends.

I second this. Why should I have to stifle myself and hide my beliefs like atheism is some kind of crime?

Because you're stronger, faster, better than them. Show mercy to those who should bow before your feet!!!

Just avoid the issue, unless they press you on it. You shouldn't lie about who you are, but there's also no reason to rush headlong into a fight with people you care about (and see rarely enough that this issue won't come up often). If they ask you to go to church, tell them you have other plans.

If they don't want a fight either, they'll drop it. If they press the issue... well, then they asked for it. Just be sure to snap a photo of their reaction - you'll want it for later.

In general, religious people don't really want to have a debate about religion, as it's one they literally cannot win.

At the end of the day dude, if you don't believe, you don't believe. Your family should respect and understand that. If the automatic reaction to your revelation is to start preaching at you and threaten you with hell, then all that will do is make you even more steadfast in resolve, and they'll end up achieving the opposite of what they intend.

Just use the "God gave us free will" line. That'll confuse em!

I'd just come to the understanding that my mom and I have. If it comes up, tell the truth, and if they try to press the issue just say "Look, guys, these are my beliefs. I'm not going to try and push them on you, and I would appreciate if you respect it and not push yours onto me. This works for me, and I'm happy with it. I'm no different than the person I was 5 minutes ago, so don't treat me different. And stop reaching for the holy water."

I mean, unless your family really, really dislikes and disrespects you a conversation along those lines is going to kill the issue.

I guess a lot of depends on the individual's situation as to why they might avoid confrontation. For me, I'd rather make some compromises vs. heavy-hittin' issues where there's no chance in swaying the other's opinion. I've always thought that religion is one of those beliefs that should remain personal. So in that respect, I just don't like to talk about it with those that might think otherwise. Yes, I think we should all question our beliefs (not just re: religion), but at the same point there should be mutual respect. Being the minority atheist in my family means that, yeah, I have to compromise a bit more. True, it's hard for the other party to respect your thoughts if you don't tell them, but if you consider going to church for a couple hours a year as a small sacrifice for not having to come to blows, it's a calculated battle lost, not the war. When it came time for my sister to ask me to be the godfather for her first son, that's when I decided that I had to be perfectly clear. I told them I will stand up there at his baptism, so long as they don't mind me lying straight-faced to their pastor and that I'd never be there as a spiritual guide. My sister ultimately came to the realization that a "godfather" is more than just a symbolic title from this conversation and asked one of my cousins to step in. That was the time when giving up a couple hours of my time out of respect for their beliefs was overshadowed by the thought of me lying about who I was. If their religion was constantly being thrust in my face, even outside of church, then I'm sure we would have had that conversation much sooner.

In the end, I just see some of these compromises as a part of something you do for those you love. And you know, chances are someone in my life is making some kind of unknown concession for me. We have some neighbor-friends that like to say a prayer before we sit down for dinner. My wife and I don't make a fuss and leave the table because we can't get behind their belief, so we just sit silently for a moment. Thing is, they could very well be not bringing up their god in general conversation (even though they'd love to talk about it) out of courtesy to us.

Or you could try this.

That's offensive. The proper term is invisble sky wizard.

Why not wait till later? Call your family or write a letter. I don't know but if you fell like you'll get ganged up by doing it in a group setting, do it one on one with each of your family members.

Would it really be such a chore to go to church with your family if that's how they normally spend their Sunday mornings? Or are you not secure enough in your atheism?

Wow, you really need to grow up then. What are you, 12?

I'm just saying that I learned to behave in church (I recommend counting the windows) when I was, like, 10.

Actually, I think he's asking a reasonable question. I mean, I had a period as an atheist (I don't really subscribe to a belief system at the moment), and I had no problem going to church with my family. It made them happier, and cost me an infinitesimal portion of my year. It's like going to a restaurant that I don't care for on a date because my date likes it...not that big a deal.

And I'm not a bible-thumper at all. But I am someone who knows how to be respectful of his family. I mean, sometimes we have to do things we don't want to do. It's part of being a grown-up.

I would go to church the one time if my mom asked me to, because I loved my mom.

Making some atheist stance feels juvenile to me. I don't need to rub people's faces in my non-belief, even if (or especially if) they feel the need to do the same to me. That's eye for an eye shit.

Just go and come back here and write a funny post about it. Then you make a lot of other people happy over your sacrifice.

I agree with LD. I've always considered myself an agnostic and I used to go to church with my boyfriend's family on Christmas Eve. It was actually a lot of fun. Granted, he went to a very liberal church, so that made things easier, but, really, it's not a big deal. If you feel like it is, then you have to say something, but just know that you're essentially looking for a confrontation, whether you want to or not.

Coming back to add that after three years on these boards, I think Joe LeFors and I are the same person. Fuck you, Joe, you're Edward Norton; I'm Tyler Durden.

Other options for Nordling:

Ask if you can pick the church. I recommend a black one. Absolutely the most fun I have ever had in a church.

Phil, that's totally how my mom ended up a Baptist. I kid you not.

More fun than Catholic.

Because you can't just bite your tongue? You sound incredibly smug here. Also, it's totally fair for them to ask you to go to something you don't believe in. It's not fair for them to ask you to believe in it.

Well, I am sleeping with your wife (HI-OOOOOO!)! I kid, I kid. I think you're right, though, as I wholeheartedly agree with your sentiment about black churches. There was a traditional black church next door to the house I lived in in college, and I used to just sit out on the front porch on Sunday mornings and listen to the music for 2 hours.

As an atheist, I would do whatever would make my mom happy here, now, on da earf, since I don't believe she went to a greater reward. I'd do what I could to put a smile on her face before the hourglass runs out.

This is all hypothetical horseshit from me, though, since my parents stopped making me go to church when I was 12. I've been a bunch of times since, but more as a cultural experience. I haven't been to a Muslim or Satanic service yet, but I've tried to catch all the other ones at least once. Not believing in a faith doesn't make me automatically antagonistic about it.

A fine position in my view.

Which set of beliefs require you to say something? You an talk all day about how you're hoping to avoid conflict, but you keep trying to find ways to paint it as inevitable. I'm sure your family will appreciate your desire to put your principled philosophical crusade over your relationship with them.

Moreover, what are you suggesting that you're going to find so objectionable in church? The very suggestion of God? Seems like a strange thing to get riled up over. Other than that, I doubt this week's sermon will be the "let's bomb abortion clinics!" speech.

Smile and bear it? God, Nordling...an American atheist in 2008 who MIGHT be asked to go to church with his family. You're a real martyr.