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Dear Luigi...

post #1 of 60
7/25/08 at 12:44pm
Thread Starter 
Dear Luigi,

I am writing this not only as your brother but as your friend.

I haven't heard from you in many months, and I'm starting to worry. It's not like you not to call, not to write. Ma's been worried sick. She keeps setting a place for you at the table. When I tell her you're not coming she slaps me. I hear her crying at night. Toad's fallen in with a leather gang. He came by the house yesterday with his new friend Rascal, who smelled like five different colognes. Ma came out and asked why Rascal was wearing a leash and it was a whole big thing. Toad peeled off in his kart and I don't think we'll see him again. Yoshi keeps sitting by the door. He won't eat. He won't sleep. We're all lost without you.

I know it hasn't been easy for you. I remember how excited you were when you landed Spaghetti Time, and how it crushed you when they realized the game needed a format change and they looked to burgers because, as they told you, "Spaghetti doesn't sell." You tried to plead with them, even shaving your mustache to appear more "American" as the chef, but they went with that younger punk instead. I know that stung. And I'm sure it must've stung when I got the Donkey Kong gig, and it got so popular that they started using my real name.

I managed to convince the suits to hire you so we could work as a team, and while I expected gratitude all I felt was resentment. "Why is it 'Mario Bros'?" you would tell me. "After all they don't call it 'The Brothers Dmitri.'" You were always taking yourself so seriously in those days. Try to enjoy the success, I'd say. It's fleeting. I'd try to get you to loosen up at Zelda's crazy parties (remember when Mega Man stole Bionic Commando's grappling gun and used it to fondle Samus, only she thought it was that guy from Contra?), but you'd only leave in a huff and play Elliott Smith records in your room.

I can only say I'm sorry so many times. I'm sorry that I became the face of Nintendo and not you. I'm sorry that they made you the "coward" even though we both know you're the only one who could do this stuff without special effects. I'm sorry that you only got to play in two player games for so long, and usually then only with the kid's younger sister who'd jump you right into the canyons and laugh as you fell. I'm sorry that because of that I got to spend so much time with Peach. I'm sorry that I didn't realize what feelings you had for her until we were already fucking six times a day. I'm sorry I kept telling about all the depraved and degrading stuff she'd want me to do to her. I'm sorry that when I dumped her she cut off one of your testicles thinking you were me (although it was your fault for wearing red that day). I'm sorry you invested your nest egg in R.O.B. Most of all I'm sorry that I'm writing this letter.

I hope we can be a family again some day. I hope we'll do stupid shit together like we used to, like going to the zoo to taunt Donkey Kong. I hope you'll be there to help me in 50 years when my brain contusions leave me a rotting vegetable of a man. Most of all, I hope you read this letter and are reminded of how much you are loved and respected, not only by me but by millions of fans around the world who think of you as more than just [s]a Mario brother[/s] Mario's brother.

Yours in brotherhood and Christ,

Mario
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post #2 of 60
7/25/08 at 12:45pm
Mario's a jesus freak? Goddammit. Well at least he's not doing hand jobs for crack like Sonic is.
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post #3 of 60
7/25/08 at 12:50pm
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by EdHocken View Post
Mario's a jesus freak? Goddammit. Well at least he's not doing hand jobs for crack like Sonic is.
Or what Tails is doing these days, which makes his name not only stupid but ironic.
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post #4 of 60
7/25/08 at 12:52pm
Tails is turning tricks and kunckles is his pimp/boyfriend. And let me tella ya those spiked fists of his make for some interesting nights.
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post #5 of 60
7/25/08 at 1:54pm
Brilliant!
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post #6 of 60
7/25/08 at 2:34pm
Banks is on a roll lately, we need to find out what he's drinking. I really hope its the blood of midget babies.
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post #7 of 60
7/25/08 at 2:35pm
Yeah, great stuff Banks.
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post #8 of 60
7/25/08 at 2:38pm
Jonathan Banks is my hero indeed!
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post #9 of 60
7/25/08 at 2:39pm
Your "stop multiplying" joke on the trolls thread was great too. But i didn't want to comment there. Damn i miss the rep.
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post #10 of 60
7/25/08 at 2:43pm
Thread Starter 
Hey, thanks guys. I've basically just reached maximum shit-to-do saturation level, which means I've lost the will to do anything productive.
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post #11 of 60
7/25/08 at 2:43pm
Yeah, I miss the rep as well. And I just couldn´t resist to post that picture, "no discussion" or not....
Anyway Mario doesn´t need green rep, he needs:

Here is from me to you Jonathan, or Mario, or whatever you call yourself these days.
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post #12 of 60
7/25/08 at 2:45pm
Jesus.
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post #13 of 60
7/25/08 at 2:47pm
Thread Starter 
No ass-less leather chaps?
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post #14 of 60
7/25/08 at 2:56pm
Banks, have you lost your mind? Plus everyone knows that Luigi had his moment in the spotlight for Super Mario Bros. 2, and blew it by looking so stupid and wiggling his legs like an idiot every time he did his high jumps.
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post #15 of 60
7/25/08 at 3:06pm
Thread Starter 
I was hoping to work in an SM2 reference and just couldn't think how to do it. I suck.
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post #16 of 60
7/25/08 at 3:08pm
I hated Luigi in that game. I was a Toad man, myself. He could pick a mean vegetable, that guy...
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post #17 of 60
7/25/08 at 3:14pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Soul Ahn Ice View Post
I hated Luigi in that game. I was a Toad man, myself. He could pick a mean vegetable, that guy...
Toad? You liked Toad? Jesus man, Toad was so gay I'm surprised he hasn't been posting in the Top Gun thread this week.
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post #18 of 60
7/25/08 at 3:16pm
HOW DARE YOU! Do our combined efforts in defeating King Wart mean nothing to you? Sure, he wears a vest with no shirt under it...and hammer pants...and a big....polka dotted hat.

Aw, crap.
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post #19 of 60
7/25/08 at 3:27pm
Thread Starter 
I was a Toad guy too, I don't mind saying. Guy could get in and out in a hurry and...shit.

Plus, he was a fun guy...(get it?)
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post #20 of 60
7/25/08 at 3:29pm
wow...yeah, you really have lost your mind.

.....dammit, wish I had thought of that one first! Fungi...genius.
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post #21 of 60
7/25/08 at 3:38pm
Can't say much about Mario 2. But Toonaki suit and Karubi's shoe was the balls.
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post #22 of 60
7/25/08 at 3:40pm
Oh man, Karubi's shoe. Getting that shoe was like christmas morning.

But seriously, SMB2 fascinates me still to this day from almost every single angle: creative, gameplay, fun factor, nostaglia, pointlessness. I love that game.
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post #23 of 60
7/25/08 at 3:41pm
Even though the video game geeks will state that it wasn't a mario game per se and merely a rush job by slapping Mario and some other sprites into another game.
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post #24 of 60
7/25/08 at 3:44pm
There's no question it was NOT a mario game, but the game itself was still pretty awesome, in a bizarre random Japanese way. I just wish I could've been there as it was being developed:

"See, you pick vegetables and throw them at enemies! And then you drink this potion that turns everything into nighttime, even though you're already in a dreamworld. Oh, and at the end of every level, slots!"

"hmm.....go on."
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post #25 of 60
7/25/08 at 3:47pm
SMB3 owns all and you all know it!
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post #26 of 60
7/25/08 at 3:56pm
I still have a Nintendo and play SM2 regularly. I remember begging for it for Christmas when I was a kid and getting it. I'm always Princess Peach though, because of her floating ability.
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post #27 of 60
7/25/08 at 3:59pm
Thread Starter 
Dear Soul Ahn Ice (if that is your real name),

There's a very serious family rift going on here and you're talking about the past? Let me try to set the record straight then:

When we first got the script for SM2 it was just a rehash of the original. I told them it was junk. Eventually they just recut old scenes from the first game and CGI'd my brother and me into some hackneyed sequel and put it out in Japan. I wouldn't stand for that for our American audience. I stepped in and rewrote the entire thing from scratch. New worlds, new characters. Gave Peach a job, brought in Toad, who was a personal trainer at the time, and most importantly, gave my brother a big part. Tried to let him be number 1 if they wanted him to be. I didn't care much for the director so I stepped in when I had to. When we got into the editing room Nintendo got real skittish. Audiences want what they're familiar with, were the notes I kept getting. We were still a couple years from SM3 becoming the biggest game the planet's ever seen, so I didn't have all the pull I wanted just yet. In the end I submitted my cut of the game and Nintendo, they got in there and fucked it all up. They took out all the emotion, if you ask me. All the guts. No one knew why the whole game was about picking up radishes. We had a whole backstory about that. But no, cut, sorry. And they gave Luigi this ridiculous little leg wiggle. He was humiliated. He blamed me for the whole thing. It took more dollars than there are sheep in New Zealand to get him to come back for the third one. By then we knew what the fuck we were doing. But our relationship never fully recovered.

So that's the whole sad truth. Thanks for dragging it up again.

Send me your address and I'll mail you a signed glossy.

Yours in Christ,

Mario
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post #28 of 60
7/25/08 at 4:00pm
This still doesn't address the fucked up nature that is Birdo. Now that's a purely Japanesse creation.
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post #29 of 60
7/25/08 at 4:07pm
I should've known. Plus, it explains why SMB3 encouraged you and Luigi to fight against each other for those cards. I always thought that was kinda fucked up.

God, why am I talking to him like Mario's actually here in this thread (or y'know, REAL). I hate you Banks. This is still better than work.

Birdo was awesome. He had a crystal ball in his stomach that opened the door that looked like a bird! C'mon! read that again! It's hilarious! Wait, are you stoned? That helps too.
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post #30 of 60
7/25/08 at 4:11pm
Thread Starter 
Birdo was like a walking uterus shaped like a bird. Somebody had seriously fucked up dreams slash women issues to come up with that.
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post #31 of 60
7/25/08 at 4:15pm


Oh my god..the horror.
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post #32 of 60
7/25/08 at 4:18pm
Thread Starter 
OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODO HMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOH MYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOHM YGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD

That's one of the top five creepiest things I've ever seen in my life, and I've seen some weird shit.
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post #33 of 60
7/25/08 at 4:18pm
Sweet Zombie jesus.
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post #34 of 60
7/25/08 at 4:20pm
I'm now trying to find someone who dressed as Mouser.
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post #35 of 60
7/25/08 at 4:21pm
Thread Starter 
Mouser! That was that fucker's name. I kept thinking Danger Mouse.
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post #36 of 60
7/25/08 at 4:22pm
I pray to Xenu you don't find any.
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post #37 of 60
7/25/08 at 4:24pm


Just more Birdo freaks. I can't believe people actually dressed up as this thing.
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post #38 of 60
7/25/08 at 4:26pm
Thread Starter 
If you're a lady all you have to do is take your pants off and do a handstand.

I guess the costume is the more practical way to go.
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post #39 of 60
7/25/08 at 4:30pm
Thread Starter 


This here is Robirdo.

I'm not judging, just putting it out there for discussion.
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post #40 of 60
7/25/08 at 4:36pm
This is why i am a fan of japanese games.
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post #41 of 60
7/25/08 at 4:41pm
Thread Starter 
[smirnov]In Soviet Russia, the vaginas spit eggs at you[/smirnov]
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post #42 of 60
7/25/08 at 4:50pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jonathan Banks is my hero View Post


This here is Robirdo.

I'm not judging, just putting it out there for discussion.
Good god!
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post #43 of 60
7/25/08 at 4:53pm
That picture of French Maid Birdo will haunt my dreams until my dying day, only for me to discover the horrible truth: God is Birdo, and boy howdy, is he bullshit.
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post #44 of 60
7/25/08 at 5:17pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Soul Ahn Ice View Post
There's no question it was NOT a mario game, but the game itself was still pretty awesome, in a bizarre random Japanese way. I just wish I could've been there as it was being developed:

"See, you pick vegetables and throw them at enemies! And then you drink this potion that turns everything into nighttime, even though you're already in a dreamworld. Oh, and at the end of every level, slots!"

"hmm.....go on."
Just to nerd it up, SMB2 was indeed not a Mario game. It was originally a Japanese game called Doki Doki Panic. The SMB2 released in Japan was deemed to difficult and too much like the original to be released in the western world.
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post #45 of 60
7/25/08 at 5:20pm
Yeah, I remember the original SMB2. I didn't know it was called Doki Doki Panic.

I'm gathering a split in the video game nerds in terms of their thoughts on the game. I fucking loved SMB2, I still play it now over SMB3 (which while a fantastic game, is a bit too involved to just pick up and get going on the run).

None of this matters, b/c Super Mario World is the end of the discussion. That game ruled my life for years.
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post #46 of 60
7/25/08 at 5:25pm
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Soul Ahn Ice View Post
I fucking loved SMB2, I still play it now over SMB3
Yes but you're Asian.
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post #47 of 60
7/25/08 at 5:27pm


I don't understand that picture and it's scaring the shit out of me.
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post #48 of 60
7/25/08 at 5:51pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jonathan Banks is my hero View Post
Yes but you're Asian.
I want to make a joke back at you, but in all honesty in my head I was like "yeah, those crazy ass asian people" fully thinking that I wasn't one. Damn you, cruel light of day!
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post #49 of 60
7/25/08 at 6:05pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Soul Ahn Ice View Post
None of this matters, b/c Super Mario World is the end of the discussion. That game ruled my life for years.
Oh god yes. I still play that one to this day. It's one of the few perfect gaming experiences in this world.
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post #50 of 60
7/25/08 at 6:07pm
I wouldn't throw "perfect" around for much, but yeah, I'll agree with you. It's the perfect gaming experience.

So anyway, Toad's GAY?!?
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