Confessions: Horrible stuff you've done. - Page 2

I had two threesomes in college. One was with a PETA activist and her younger sister, which was an ongoing thing and the reason I was vegan freshman and sophmore years. The other was in a jacuzzi in Cloyne--while I was nearly blackout drunk--with two girls out of their minds on coke.

I once threw a bowl of cereal, milk and all, onto my father's ceiling. The splash had a circumference of about three metres. He didn't realise it was there until about a week later, by which point it had hardened on.

I am BAD TO THE BONE.

Also, I once pissed on the floor of a swimming pool changing room. I can't remember if it was deliberate or not.

What kind of cereal?

Weet Bix

The thread is horrible things.

I once dropped $3 in to a juke box and programmed "The Macarena" to play 12 times in a row. Then I left.

Back in high school, my brother and a few of his friends got the crap kicked out of them by a bunch of jocks that thought they were hot shit. When I found out I was pissed, but didn't know how to get back at them. I quickly found a way when I saw one of them in the stairwell a week later(I was running an errand for a teacher and I guess he was cutting class or something). I stomped the shit out of him, went to the bathroom to wash off my hands, and still delivered the message to another teacher.

My brother had a good freshman year after that.

Does your cruelty know no depths?

Confessions: Lies I've Told On Messageboards.

i have amelia earhart's corpse in my basement. sometimes i read to her.

Confessions: I Am A Self-Parodying Peanut Gallery.

Somebody please LOCK THIS PSYCHO UP!

Once after seeing A History of Violence, as I was walking out of the theater I saw someone go into the arcade and play a shoot-em-up game. I went up and told him that was incredibly distasteful. Then I beat him up in the parking lot while his friend watched and I banged his GF right there.

Yeah, but were they Orthodox Jews, Gruber? It doesn't count if they're not Orthodox.

They were jews thats all I knew. I don't know different kinds of jews. You don't fuck with Cronenberg.

Not likely to cause a life-changing epiphany, but I see what you did there.

Why can't I stop laughing at this?

The first shooter is dead. I killed him.

Tack ska du ha. Jag har laddat ner spelet nu och håller på och spelar det.

I ghost wrote, and directed Norbit.

I used to look through the obituaries, find a recently deceased man, look his name up in the phone book and then call his house and act surprised when they tell me he's dead and scream " But we were in love !! " . I did this like 4 different times when I was like 13. That and shaved the neighbors dog when they were asleep. They never figured out it was me .... ha !!!

I thought Run Run had a skin condition, you bastard!

I'm sorry I caused all that cancer. I didn't realize it was such a hideous disease. I'm sorry I caused all that throat cancer and all that bowel cancer. I was just on a roll. And I won't do it again.

I shot the sheriff... but I didn't shoot the deputy.



I was the deputy. The sheriff was a real fucking cunt. I blamed it on the town drunk and got away scot free.

I was the man who shot the man who shot the man who shot the man who shot the man who shot the man who shot Liberty Valance.

Great Train Robbery? Me. Fall of the Roman Empire? Guilty. Napoleon's defeat at Waterloo? Yeah, my bad.

I raped Tom. And I didn't have to use the word "rape" to do it.

I stole gummi bears out of those little jars in certain food stores that had a little scooper thing. I thought they were free. I felt so terrible about it that years later I randomly gave one of the clerks there 20 dollars (that's probably how much I owed in gummi bears).

I also feed my roommate's cat garbage in the hopes that it will die.

Every day. Every. Single. Day.

I danced with the devil in the pale moon light.

This just happened today and it isn't horrible to anyone but myself, but it's the dumbest thing I've done in a while:

So I'm walking down the street towards my car carrying a cooking pot (don't ask) when I somehow get the idea into my head to try hitting myself in the skull with the pot, for some reason I don't remember. Anyways I hit myself with the thing and to my delight not only doesn't it hurt due to my high pain threshold and woolen hat, but also it made this cartoonish DONK noise on contact. So, seeing as it didn't hurt at all and I really wanted to hear the comical noise again, I proceed to bash myself on the head with the pot about ten to twelve more times.

Cut to ten minutes later, I'm driving down the street feeling perfectly fine when all of a sudden the brain swelling sets in. It feels like I've got coins stuck in the back of my eye sockets, I get dizzy and my head feels like it's fifty pounds heavier lolling from one side to the next, and all of a sudden driving a car correctly has become an extremely difficult task.

I bludgeoned myself into a minor concussion with a metal pot because it made a funny sound.

I'm amused that you drew a re-enactment for your avatar.

I cried with laughter over Stormin's entry.

You are a fucking idiot (I mean that in the best possible way) but please don't ever change.

I hate white people. Way more than black people, atleast.

I'm just trying to help you out. It's a better confession the way I wrote it.

In junior high's gym class we were practicing passing the basketball around to each other in a neat row and I broke the nose of the guy I passed it to. Completely got away with it too, though it was on purpose. Even he doubted that I did it. Or maybe I knocked the sense out of him.

When I was a senior in high school, there was a certain freshman girl who really had the hots for me. I couldn't do anything about it for most of the year because I was involved with someone else. March of that school year rolls around and I'm newly single and at one of those cliched high school parties you might see in any one of the American Pie movies. Anyhow, I get really drunk and then notice this girl is at the party. End up in one of the bedrooms with her and only get my hand in her underwear before I pass out. The next thing I remember is my buddy busting in the door to tell me that the party is close to getting busted. We jump into one of my friend's cars and get away from the party as fast as possible. Meanwhile, I'm in the passenger seat just noticing that my finger smells like really funky vagina. I also think that this is hilarious and precede to yell to everyone else in the car that I had touched some really awful vag.

The girl was in the backseat. She was desperately trying to ignore the howling laughter from the boys in the car.

I still don't know how I got a blow job from her an hour later. Low self-esteem I guess.

This isn't all that terrible, but I make an effort to fart in elevators and on escalators.

That's really clever.

This shit made me laugh more than any story on the boards for at least a year. Congratulations, your suffering is worth that much at least.

That, or you're one smooth mother. I'd go with that, sounds better.

RE: Elevators-

I'm located on the top floor of my office building (18 stories of sheer terror), and the other day I decided to head down to the ATM on my break to get some cash. I pressed "Lobby", waited until about the fourth floor, and cranked one out.

The elevator stopped on the third floor and a very, very cute girl got on. By that time, the rotten-egg stench of what I had just busted hit my nostrils, and I could tell by the look on her face that she knew something was very, very wrong with this particular elevator car.

By the time we got to the lobby, I swear to god that she was practically clawing at the elevator door to get out. I felt horrible for a moment and then loled for like ten seconds straight.

That story goes great with your avatar and user title.

Back in '98, after Michigan won the NCAA Hockey Championship, I wanted to "get some" so went out on the prowl to my "usual" haunts. Flash-forward three hours later and I've got this twelve year old Brazilian kid tied up on my bed. All of a sudden, this girl I'd been dating drops by my house. She notices what's going on, so I tied her up and threw her in the shed out back.

Well after I'm done with the kid, I ordered the little guy a pizza. When the delivery guy shows up, I paid the guy and told him to "keep the chang-" at which point, I shit you not, I farted. I don't how it happened, but I fucking farted! Before I could apologize, the pizza guy dropped the change and ran off. Man was I red-faced.

*golf clap*

Points on the economy of the lead up. Deduction for some obscurity in the set-up. Bonus for delivery of punchline.

My high school was VERY small. To give you some perspective, my senior class consisted of 38 people. 38. So, in essence, we seniors were one big clique. That is, until one girl named Lauren decided to start dating the ex-boyfriend of a girl named Stephanie. Now, I've known Steph for years, and Steph seemed to me to be a pretty sensible girl, but once she got wind of her friend scoping on her leftovers, she LOST it, and launched a campaign against Lauren that would put Mean Girls to shame. Steph was more popular than Lauren, so she essentially turned the entire school against Lauren. Prom season rolls around, and Lauren, whose locker was next to mine, casually mentioned to me one day that she'd gotten her prom dress over the weekend, a nice white poofy number. At lunch that day, my pals and I were discussing where to get our prom stuff. I casually mentioned that Lauren had already found her dress to my table, which included Steph. Steph almost immediately started making nasty comments about how she was gonna deface Lauren's dress at prom in front of everyone. The whole table, myself included, laughed it off as Steph just exaggerating and being stupid, so we never gave Lauren any warning. Turns out, she wasn't joking.

Steph marched into prom with a fatass black permanent marker and, while Lauren had her back turned, wrote "CUNT" on the poofy skirt of the dress. Lauren noticed people pointing and laughing at her, went into the bathroom and saw that written on the back of her dress, and hid in a stall, crying her eyes out until somebody called her parents. They came and took her home, and since Lauren never actually saw Steph writing on her, and the chaperone people were inept and couldn't see jack shit due to the dark lighting in the ballroom, and since nobody would turn Steph in, she got away with it. I saw her do it, and I could have turned her in, but I didn't. I tried to justify it as "well, none of the teachers questioned me personally, so I don't have to say anything", but truth is I was a pussy. It's been five years since I graduated from high school, and that shit still haunts me.

You could call Lauren and stage a luau on Steph (see the tired shit thread for clarification).

Eh, don't worry on it Harley.

(Damn everyone, Harley's a cunt).