Someone assassinate Brett Ratner... - Page 2

*apologetic sax*

See, he's a good guy. All these stories are bullshit.

Shit, that's funny.

Umm... Is he related to that kid?

Looks like that Ali Larter kid from Heroes.

Brett Ratner: Molestor.

i once met M Night Shymalan, right after the Village came out. He was a prick, so high about himself. I told him the truth, that I liked the 6th Sense and Unbreakable. Signs was decent but the Village was a bad movie.

He got pissed off and walked away. I talked to his dad and asked him "why make a movie about aliens afraid of water going to a planet 70% filled with water?" He replied "hah beta I don't know"

beta being an Indian term. He was also kinda a dick to my mom, so he got it coming.

My parents tell me I met Abel Ferrara when I was five, but that can't be true, since I didn't start cursing until I was about nine.

Maybe he was the lucky winner of the Nickelodeon Kid's Choice Awards' "spend a day with Brett Ratner!" contest.

Haha, that's awesome!

M.Night stories would be great, too!

Why did his dad say 'beta', though? That's hindi. And Night's South Indian.

I really want SAIRUS to write a book.

That hurt man.

I do find it crazy that someone like Faye Dunaway would go to a video store, but no need to defend your profession, Aquafresh. I'd love to work for a respectable video store. They're not easy to find these days.

Chiming in to say getting this to page 3 is bullshit, but taking the bait anyway.

For page 3

I think we should hold a Fantasy Basketball Draft in here to get to Page Three.

I select Rasho Nesterovic.

Ginobili, of course.

Would this be the only three-page thread without an EdHocken post?

You guys in The Lost World how did the T-Rex manage to eat all those crew members when he is obviously too big to leave the hold?

Holy crap those pics Macca posted are hilarious.

They actually cross-breeded some of the dinosaurs by splicing in the DNA of a specific type of African frog that can TELEPATHICALLY KILL HUMANS WITH ITS MIND.

I saw it in a science journal once.

As opposed to TELEPATHICALLY KILLING HUMANS WITH ITS FOOT.

They Could Be Telepathic Feet.

So this is how Snyder is going to "tone the ending down" for Watchmen.

I draft Tree Rollins.

Is Snyder really going to "tone down the ending" or are you just making a joke?

That reminds me of when that crappy "Phone Booth" movie came out; initially, Michael Bay was interested in the script but his first question when meeting with the producers was "So, how do we get him out of the fucking phone booth?" Maybe Snyder's first question was "So, how do we get oiled up naked men into the Watchmen?"

http://chud.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=65

OK, two pages, good enough.

So, we get a call one night around 10pm from legendary producer/local eccentric Robert Evans. Evans has a penchant for vintage porn and at this late hour, my store is the only place he can get it. We have what he wants, but the problem is he can't drive down to the store. We don't deliver, but he offers a considerable tip (insert joke here) to any clerk willing to drive the shit to his house. Figuring that it has to be good for a laugh, a clerk accepts.

So the clerk gets to his house and is ushered by Evans into the living room. There, sitting on the couch awaiting the porn, is Brett Ratner. Then came the following exchange --

EVANS
(indicating Ratner)
Do you know who this is?

CLERK
(he knows)
No.

EVANS
It’s Brett Ratner!

CLERK
(couldn’t care less)
Oh yeah?
(to Ratner)
Hey.

RATNER
(mildly embarrassed)
Hey.

EVANS
Brett Ratner the famous director!

CLERK
Oh, Cool.

A long uncomfortable silence followed. The clerk handed over the pornography and was paid. He drove home contemplating why the producer of CHINATOWN felt it necessary to validate himself with Brett Ratner's presence.

2 pages for that ?

Two dudes watching porn together late at night is pretty questionable NOT THAT THERE'S ANYTHING WRONG WITH THAT

Apologize for that story and dish up a better one, I don't care if its true or not.

Hey, I only promised a True Tale of Ratner, I didn't promise it'd be gangbusters.

I definitely have a good one. I'm just waiting for the guy to give me the damn pictures! PIIICTUUUURES!

This thread needs to turn into Ratner fanfic.

Oh, c'mon, Evans showing off his new bff to the clerk who's delivering porn to his house? That's fucking phenomenal! Brett Ratner watches vintage pornography with Bob Evans- awesome.

I think Ratner was pretty vocal about his friendship with Evans, non?

Hugh Jackman peeled off his Wolverine uniform, the hot leather leaving red welts across his tight abdomen. It had been a long day on the set of X-Men 3, Bret demanding take after take, ever the stern taskmaster. They had, what at best, could be described as a love/hate relationship. Hugh admired Bret's exacting skills behind the camera, but he couldn't help but feel a mounting tension between them, like a cobra, coiled, ready to strike. He wanted to please Bret, more than anything, but as the days wore on he feared he'd never be able to satisfy Ratner's genius, never be able to sate the fire that burned so brightly behind the young auteur's eyes.

"Hugh?"

He turned. There, at the door of the trailer stood Bret.

"You left these on set."

In his hands were Wolverine's stunt claws, the ones they used for practical shots and place holders. The silver paint had begun to wear off the tips, revealing the balsa wood underneath.

"Oh yeah, sorry."

Hugh reached for the claws. One of the tips poked his finger, drawing blood. Hugh winced, putting the cut digit in his mouth.

"Here. Let me do that for you."

Brett took his hand. To his own disbelief, Hugh found that he had no will to resist. Bret took the finger into his mouth, began to suck...

Don't do that.

You guys need some perspective.

What madness is this?

For the longest time I thought Brett Ratner had a role in Rocky Balboa basically playing himself.

That's a fantastic observation. Fuck I hated that guy.

On the steamy set of Rush Hour 2, Chris Tucker reeled in pleasure in his trailer. Brett Ratner was massaging his butt... and his balls. But CHris Tucker, pulled his hand away. No... he could not do this... not now...

"Don't you ever touch a black man's butt?"

This sounds just like Transformerotic fiction!!! Stop it!

Dammed Aqua that was good. Start a thread please. On demand: Scarlett and Bay circa The island.

I'm just curious as to what vintage porn movie Robert Evans and Brett Ratner needed so desperately at 10 at night.

LOL at that Robert Evans story. God that man is hilarious.

Hollywood Animal by Eszterhas is full of some amazing Robert Evans stories.