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Funny and/or Disturbing Sex Stories

post #1 of 116
Thread Starter 
This must be a viable thread idea. Certainly it has a broad, unoriginal concept reaching to the experience of most. Myself, I recall being on top of a girl who started taking pictures of herself in the moment. It was unnerving, and in the photographs she looked kind of like a pig - though I only knew this after the fact, and as we all know, a pig can't feed itself. But it was a facial expression with outstretched, flared nostrils while her cheeks seemed to be pulled downward like it was the force of gravity. We are still friends.
post #2 of 116
One time I was in an armchair and me and this chick...ah hell you'd never believe the rest of it.
post #3 of 116
So there I am wearing a bright orange wig, a bulbous red rubber nose, and cartoonishly-huge shoes (the ones that honk when you walk). She's down on her knees, looking up, anxiously waiting for the "punchline" (the ol' "squirting flower gag"). I get to the finale of my act, covering the areas of her face she may have missed with the white grease paint, and politely ask her:

"Does this taste funny to you?"
post #4 of 116
One time I was having sex with a chick and then I put on my robe and my wizard hat ...
post #5 of 116
Did not find the first entry to this newly created thread either funny or disturbing. Maybe a little annoying because you compared the girl to a pig. I'm going to have to give it a 4 on the undefined score scale.
post #6 of 116
I had sex once with a girl who had a lot of fur on her throat. Didn't notice until afterward, damn dim lights. Now I'm a guy who fucks chicks with furry throats.
post #7 of 116
Did I ever tell you guys about the first time I tried to have sex?
post #8 of 116
You promised not to out me here, Patrick.
post #9 of 116
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kevin Matchstick View Post
Did not find the first entry to this newly created thread either funny or disturbing. Maybe a little annoying because you compared the girl to a pig. I'm going to have to give it a 4 on the undefined score scale.
Please. If she physically resembled a pig in the photos, what's the freakin' problem? Is this site going PC or something?
post #10 of 116
Quote:
Originally Posted by Patrick Ripoll View Post
Did I ever tell you guys about the first time I tried to have sex?
Win.
post #11 of 116
Quote:
Originally Posted by Smeagol View Post
Please. If she physically resembled a pig in the photos, what's the freakin' problem? Is this site going PC or something?
My apologies, Smeagol. I did not mean to offend you with my more than serious post in the dumbest thread available on the boards right now.
post #12 of 116
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kevin Matchstick View Post
My apologies, Smeagol. I did not mean to offend you with my more than serious post in the dumbest thread available on the boards right now.
That's more like it.
post #13 of 116
I have a story that ends with "Ass, mouth, ass, mouth, ass, mouth".
post #14 of 116
Quote:
Originally Posted by billylove View Post
I have a story that ends with "Ass, mouth, ass, mouth, ass, mouth".
Didn't your breath stink afterwards?
post #15 of 116
Thats what she said.
post #16 of 116
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kevin Matchstick View Post
My apologies, Smeagol. I did not mean to offend you with my more than serious post in the dumbest thread available on the boards right now.
What? A thread in the "sex" forum about chewers actual sex lives, instead of nude photos of celebrities?
post #17 of 116
Quote:
Originally Posted by Patrick Ripoll View Post
Did I ever tell you guys about the first time I tried to have sex?
Sadly you did once and it took 75 federal marshals to take you down. Now let's never speak of it again.
post #18 of 116
Gosh, I have so many funny and disturbing sex stories, but I try to make a special effort not to speak ill of the dead, so...
post #19 of 116
Back in 2002-2003, I used to be roommates with my best friend. At some point, he acquired this free Vivid DVD screener, which had a bunch of really great porn scenes on it with the requisite Vivid girls. What is ALSO had, for some unknown reason we continue to ponder to this day, was a section called "The Gay Room." When we first perused the DVD, we both were skeptical, but thought "well, maybe that's lesbian stuff." Nope (and stay with me, this isn't going where you think/hope it is). It was honest to goodness, no foolin', man on man gaydom. Basically extended-trailers for various gay porn films (one of which, was hilariously titled "Bearhug").

So as a sort of running prank/joke, every few months when one of us was going to be up earlier than the other one, we'd throw in the sampler out in the living room, cue up the "Bearhug" segment, and blare that thing as loud as it could fucking go on the television in the living room as we left the house, so that the other guy would be woken to the sounds of two bearish men groaning with pleasure as they ate each others assholes, chewed each others balls, etc.

I began dating a new girl at some point, and he was obviously aware the first time she stayed the night. We woke up rather early the next morning and started having sex. And what do I hear blaring from the living room as I'm fucking my new girlfriend (at the time, this was our 3rd date/first sleep over)? Yes, yes. "Bearhug."

And yes, we did actually keep at it. I kind of gave a half-assed explanation mid-coitus, and we had a laugh as we continued to go at it. Then I let her go out and turn it off, so she could see for herself what a beautiful film "Bearhug" is.
post #20 of 116
I drunkenly pulled a girl down onto a bed and she lost her balance resulting into her smashing her face into the headboard. She was knocked out for a few seconds. I felt terrible about it all.
post #21 of 116
Quote:
Originally Posted by joeypants View Post
Back in 2002-2003, I used to be roommates with my best friend. At some point, he acquired this free Vivid DVD screener, which had a bunch of really great porn scenes on it with the requisite Vivid girls. What is ALSO had, for some unknown reason we continue to ponder to this day, was a section called "The Gay Room." When we first perused the DVD, we both were skeptical, but thought "well, maybe that's lesbian stuff." Nope (and stay with me, this isn't going where you think/hope it is). It was honest to goodness, no foolin', man on man gaydom. Basically extended-trailers for various gay porn films (one of which, was hilariously titled "Bearhug").

So as a sort of running prank/joke, every few months when one of us was going to be up earlier than the other one, we'd throw in the sampler out in the living room, cue up the "Bearhug" segment, and blare that thing as loud as it could fucking go on the television in the living room as we left the house, so that the other guy would be woken to the sounds of two bearish men groaning with pleasure as they ate each others assholes, chewed each others balls, etc.

I began dating a new girl at some point, and he was obviously aware the first time she stayed the night. We woke up rather early the next morning and started having sex. And what do I hear blaring from the living room as I'm fucking my new girlfriend (at the time, this was our 3rd date/first sleep over)? Yes, yes. "Bearhug."

And yes, we did actually keep at it. I kind of gave a half-assed explanation mid-coitus, and we had a laugh as we continued to go at it. Then I let her go out and turn it off, so she could see for herself what a beautiful film "Bearhug" is.
So basically you accidentally stumbled across gay porn, then ensued to repeatedly play it to each other every morning and have now given us explicit details on the content within?

Was it really a girl you were sleeping with at the time?
post #22 of 116
Quote:
Originally Posted by joeypants View Post
Back in 2002-2003, I used to be roommates with my best friend. At some point, he acquired this free Vivid DVD screener, which had a bunch of really great porn scenes on it with the requisite Vivid girls. What is ALSO had, for some unknown reason we continue to ponder to this day, was a section called "The Gay Room." When we first perused the DVD, we both were skeptical, but thought "well, maybe that's lesbian stuff." Nope (and stay with me, this isn't going where you think/hope it is). It was honest to goodness, no foolin', man on man gaydom. Basically extended-trailers for various gay porn films (one of which, was hilariously titled "Bearhug").

So as a sort of running prank/joke, every few months when one of us was going to be up earlier than the other one, we'd throw in the sampler out in the living room, cue up the "Bearhug" segment, and blare that thing as loud as it could fucking go on the television in the living room as we left the house, so that the other guy would be woken to the sounds of two bearish men groaning with pleasure as they ate each others assholes, chewed each others balls, etc.

I began dating a new girl at some point, and he was obviously aware the first time she stayed the night. We woke up rather early the next morning and started having sex. And what do I hear blaring from the living room as I'm fucking my new girlfriend (at the time, this was our 3rd date/first sleep over)? Yes, yes. "Bearhug."

And yes, we did actually keep at it. I kind of gave a half-assed explanation mid-coitus, and we had a laugh as we continued to go at it. Then I let her go out and turn it off, so she could see for herself what a beautiful film "Bearhug" is.
Something similar happened to me. There was a party at my friends house and I hooked up with this suave chick. I suggested to put on a porno on Premiere (german cable tv) and she obliged. Unfortunately, it was a gay porn and the position resembled a train. It's hard to explain, but I'll try... Three guys, all behind each other, all having a lot of fun. I was about to park a tiger on the sofa when the girl goes for the crown jewels. I bolted for the bathroom and locked myself in until she was gone...
post #23 of 116
Quote:
Originally Posted by willywayne View Post
I was about to park a tiger on the sofa when the girl goes for the crown jewels. I bolted for the bathroom and locked myself in until she was gone...
Whiskey Tango Foxtrot???
post #24 of 116
Quote:
Originally Posted by willywayne View Post
Something similar happened to me. There was a party at my friends house and I hooked up with this suave chick. I suggested to put on a porno on Premiere (german cable tv) and she obliged. Unfortunately, it was a gay porn and the position resembled a train. It's hard to explain, but I'll try... Three guys, all behind each other, all having a lot of fun. I was about to park a tiger on the sofa when the girl goes for the crown jewels. I bolted for the bathroom and locked myself in until she was gone...
I have no idea what you said.
post #25 of 116
Shot of tequila... she went for your dick... you ran for the bathroom and waited until she left?

So the gay porn made you fear a woman touching your junk?
post #26 of 116
Ohhh...you were about to throw up, and didn't want to vomit all over the chick's head while she was going down on you? Am I translating that correctly?
post #27 of 116
"I was about to park a tiger on the sofa when the girl goes for the crown jewels." is my favorite sentence I've heard all day.
post #28 of 116
Gay porn is no big deal.

It's just UFC with penetration.
post #29 of 116
my ex thought that icy/hot on the balls would be freaking hilarious, it was not..oh it was not..
post #30 of 116
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bees?! View Post
So basically you accidentally stumbled across gay porn, then ensued to repeatedly play it to each other every morning and have now given us explicit details on the content within?

Was it really a girl you were sleeping with at the time?
Fuck, you GOT me.

Ok, ok. I was really just fucking my male roommate to gay porn the whole time. I guess I made the version posted above up because... I don't know. I suppose I really WANTED to tell people, but just couldn't until now?

It seems so silly now, I should've just told the real version. I even prepared for the eventuality of a comment like yours in my post. So, so silly.

I figured no one would make that kind of comment, because surely someone who's ACTUALLY straight would just admit to finding gay porn to be fucking hilarious, and that other people could appreciate the humor in doing something like that. But, since I'm ACTUALLY a gay person, who had been closeted up until now (thank you, btw), I suppose I was wrong.

A straight guy, comfortable in his sexuality, could NEVER so much as glance at a gay porn without making a big fuss, otherwise he's gay. And he could never share the fact with anyone, even if he COULD handle it.

Boy, I feel like this huge weight has been lifted.
post #31 of 116
Quote:
Originally Posted by MoonBaseNick View Post
my ex thought that icy/hot on the balls would be freaking hilarious, it was not..oh it was not..
During 2-a-days for football back in High-School, I had to put some on my thighs in between practices. I didn't wash my hands, and of course, rubbed my balls. So I know the sensation.

I did manage to convince three other friends that it was great, and got to hear the stories (and witness the aftermath of one who tried it in the locker room).

That is a pain unlike any other. And it WILL NOT stop until it decides it wants to.
post #32 of 116
Quote:
Originally Posted by joeypants View Post
Fuck, you GOT me.

Ok, ok. I was really just fucking my male roommate to gay porn the whole time. I guess I made the version posted above up because... I don't know. I suppose I really WANTED to tell people, but just couldn't until now?

It seems so silly now, I should've just told the real version. I even prepared for the eventuality of a comment like yours in my post. So, so silly.

I figured no one would make that kind of comment, because surely someone who's ACTUALLY straight would just admit to finding gay porn to be fucking hilarious, and that other people could appreciate the humor in doing something like that. But, since I'm ACTUALLY a gay person, who had been closeted up until now (thank you, btw), I suppose I was wrong.

A straight guy, comfortable in his sexuality, could NEVER so much as glance at a gay porn without making a big fuss, otherwise he's gay. And he could never share the fact with anyone, even if he COULD handle it.

Boy, I feel like this huge weight has been lifted.
You know who else enjoys lifting weights?

The Gays

I'm glad we could help. I could sense the frustration in your post.
post #33 of 116
I guess I'm just lucky nothing horrific has happened yet.
post #34 of 116
Quote:
Originally Posted by Carpet View Post
I guess I'm just lucky nothing horrific has happened yet.
It will. Hopefully it'll be hilariously horrific. But if something crazy doesn't happen eventually you might be doing something wrong.
post #35 of 116
Quote:
Originally Posted by joeypants View Post

A straight guy, comfortable in his sexuality, could NEVER so much as glance at a gay porn without making a big fuss, otherwise he's gay. And he could never share the fact with anyone, even if he COULD handle it.
Which is funny because the cock is front and center in straight porn. Obviously gay porn is different but you still see quite a bit of cock. It's just going in a different place. Some part of the time.
post #36 of 116
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jennifer View Post
It will. Hopefully it'll be hilariously horrific. But if something crazy doesn't happen eventually you might be doing something wrong.
No doubt. I think sex is just absolutely hilarious anyway.
post #37 of 116
Quote:
Originally Posted by joeypants View Post
Fuck, you GOT me.

Ok, ok. I was really just fucking my male roommate to gay porn the whole time. I guess I made the version posted above up because... I don't know. I suppose I really WANTED to tell people, but just couldn't until now?

It seems so silly now, I should've just told the real version. I even prepared for the eventuality of a comment like yours in my post. So, so silly.

I figured no one would make that kind of comment, because surely someone who's ACTUALLY straight would just admit to finding gay porn to be fucking hilarious, and that other people could appreciate the humor in doing something like that. But, since I'm ACTUALLY a gay person, who had been closeted up until now (thank you, btw), I suppose I was wrong.

A straight guy, comfortable in his sexuality, could NEVER so much as glance at a gay porn without making a big fuss, otherwise he's gay. And he could never share the fact with anyone, even if he COULD handle it.

Boy, I feel like this huge weight has been lifted.
I see the point you're going for, but someone comfortable with their sexuality could've got it all out in 2 sentences. This much effort...sorry, but I'm afraid it swings you back into The Gay.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Carpet View Post
No doubt. I think sex is just absolutely hilarious anyway.
That's nice of you to say. If you can believe it, some girls I've been with didn't appreciate the clown suit. Used hurtful words, like "creepy", "sick", and "splattered with the blood of those 6 year-old twins".
post #38 of 116
I fled because (I'm pretty sure) she was turned on by....... that film. It was just really strange and disturbing. I couldn't bring myself to tell her how fucked up the situation was. So I just walked/ran away...

She's pregnant now. Nobody knows who the father is. Don't give me any bullshit now!!!
post #39 of 116
What has her liking gay porn got to do with her being pregnant?

Are you implying The Gays did it? Because i'm pretty sure they've got better things to be doing.

Or have they?
post #40 of 116
This:

Quote:
Originally Posted by willywayne View Post
I was about to park a tiger on the sofa when the girl goes for the crown jewels. I bolted for the bathroom and locked myself in until she was gone...
Translates into this:

Quote:
Originally Posted by willywayne View Post
I fled because (I'm pretty sure) she was turned on by....... that film. It was just really strange and disturbing. I couldn't bring myself to tell her how fucked up the situation was. So I just walked/ran away...
You know what? That still doesn't make any fucking sense. Give me six months and I will learn the german language and customs, then maybe I'll understand what it means.

In the meantime I'm going to assume "park a tiger on the sofa" means you almost shit the couch and that's really why you locked yourself in the bathroom.
post #41 of 116
Maybe there actually was a tiger involved. He was trying to get it to sit on the sofa, when the girl decided to go to Buckingham Palace to get the crown jewels. Not wanting to be involved in an international heist/possible tiger mauling he went and hid in the bathroom until it was all over.
post #42 of 116
This was a story I posted back in this thread before the server changeover made it damn near impossible to find stuff like this:

http://www.chud.com/forum/showthread.php?t=92953

Quote:
Originally Posted by Matt Turner
Typical missionary position, things are going well. She's a little drunk and I'm not. Well, in her inebriated state, she lets out a little poot without meaning to. Now, I'd like to think that this is the sort of thing I could fight through, but I actually felt the force of the gas gently waft through the hair on my balls...and man, that was it. Wanger went soft and all she could do was apologize in an embarassed way. Later on (I mean like a year later) I admitted to her that I could feel it on my balls and that was what bothered me, and she thought it was freaking hilarious.
That remains my funniest/disturbing story to date.
post #43 of 116
to park the tiger: to vomit

It's an australian thing... I'm half australian. I hope that explains at least half of the post.

Her getting knocked up just proved to me how skanky she was. I don't know if the homos did it. I don't really care.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not homophobic... I love gays! No, wait... SHIT!
post #44 of 116
I've been holding on to this one. You guys are lightweights.

I'm gonna win this sumbitch.

I once had this girlfriend, she was 23 at the time. Her big sexual fantasy was to be woke up by a guy fucking her. Just crawl on top in the still of the night and start pumping away.


Oh yeah, I later learned she was molested by her step-dad when she was in her early teens. He'd wait until her Mom was asleep and sneek into her room.
post #45 of 116
... :: raises hand, looks around, quietly puts it back down :: ...
post #46 of 116
So there I am, in my underpants, hand cuffed to the bed, gagged, the whole sha-bang, and what does she do? Brings all FIVE of her female roommates in. At first I try to hide, but then I'm thinking hey, awesome, gang bang. But nope! Instead, she brings them all into the other room and I'm forced to listen as they spank and undress each other.
post #47 of 116
Quote:
Originally Posted by Barkatthemoon View Post
Oh yeah, I later learned she was molested by her step-dad when she was in her early teens. He'd wait until her Mom was asleep and sneek into her room.
So, did she cry while you got busy?
post #48 of 116
Your avatar is perfect for the wait to the answer of that question.
post #49 of 116
Quote:
Originally Posted by Barkatthemoon View Post

I once had this girlfriend, she was 23 at the time. Her big sexual fantasy was to be woke up by a guy fucking her. Just crawl on top in the still of the night and start pumping away.

Was she ever featured on this site? (NSFW)
post #50 of 116
Quote:
Originally Posted by billylove View Post
So, did she cry while you got busy?
I never did the "wake up, I'm inside you" thing. We weren't together very long really. She was really disturbed.

Later on her brother caught her step-dad coming out of her room and kicked his ass. She was around 16 when this happend. Her mother accused her of having an affair with her step-dad and kicked her out of the house. Kept her husband though. Her brother would go on to commit suicide, and eventually, her, her mom, and step-dad got along pretty well.

Oh, and ONE MORE THING. During this short time we were together, I got her pregnant. Our daughter will be 10 on November 21st.
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