Funny and/or Disturbing Sex Stories - Page 2

Good luck with the crazy.

When I was in high-school, like most people, finding a girlfriend you could have regular sex with was only half the battle. Once I secured that, it was all about "WHERE do we fuck, and WHEN can we do it?"

One weekend afternoon, her parents/family were away from the house for the afternoon. A few hours before the were supposed to be back (they were supposed to arrive at around 4 p.m.), we fucked on their living room couch. After we finished, I put the used condom into a kleenex and set it on the coffee table while we got dressed and ready to leave the house before they got back.

We left her house and drove over to mine. Right as we pulled into the driveway at my house, we both realized that we never took the condom-kleenex off the table. We raced all the way back (my parents were quite confused why we pulled in the drive way and then immediately hauled ass out of there), and pulled into her parents driveway JUST as the whole family was walking up to the front door.

My girlfriend managed to slip inside and quickly dispose of the evidence before anyone noticed. And thank god, because her Dad, while a very nice man, was a fucking physical monster (worked out at the gym all the time) and had enough of a crazy streak that I was a little scared of him.

More of a close call than embarrassing, but still, a memorable story.


Embarrassing was when I was fucking this same girl, and I turned around to see that her younger brother (who was in 6th grade at the time) had walked in and was standing in the doorway.

There were also MANY times that I'd be having sex (or oral) at my house, and my parents were the kind who had a "no closed doors" policy when the girlfriend was over. I would of course, completely disobey this. And many times we'd finish up, only to find the door wide open from where my Mom had started to come in and then just left the door open because she was pissed/wanted to make me feel stupid. Which it did.

Actually things haven't been horrible. My little girl is awesome, and her mother got more mature as time went on. It's just the past is really messed up and hard to forget. It's a "Springer Show" with a fairly happy update.

I dated the same girl through high school, and during that time my parents managed to walk in on us two times, always ending in some awkward moment, tears, and hours spent on the phone trying to repair the damage.

The first time was my Freshman year, and my parents hadn't yet adjusted to that whole "my room is my space" thing. So my memory of my first time getting to second base is always polluted by my parents walking in the room, my ex on top of me with her shirt off, and my mom flipping the fuck out and driving her home, saying how unhappy the girls parents would be if they knew what was happening in her house. We had only been dating for a month at that point (oh, the good ole' days, when it took a month to get a girls shirt off), so it took me a couple days to repair the damage and even longer for her to be comfortable around my parents again.

Then, two years later during my junior year, my parents were gone for the day so me and the same girl decided to have some fun in the bath tub. Not only did I wind up with some wicked burns on my knees from the bottom of the tub (which was even more fun explaining at school the next day), but my parents came home shortly after we had finished the business and were only just about to get out. Yet another awkward situation, except we had been dating long enough that they weren't surprised, just pissed we had "defiled their bathroom."

Oh, memories of high school. Things change, now instead of my parents, I get to worry about my room mates hiding the camera somewhere in my room to catch a glimpse of the fucking. Not that I really care, just don't want to deal with the repercussions from the woman.

This is funny. Perhaps tragic. But disturbing? Far, far from it.

You don't want to hear my disturbing stories. Trust me.

You guys (and gals) hear the one about Wall-E being a date-rapist?

Afternoon delight with the ex, a loose door, a scared Indian maid, hotel, condoms EVERYWHERE

In college, I lived with 3 other guys during my senior year. One day, one of my roommates was out of town for the weekend and my other roommate decided to do a bit of spring cleaning.

He went into his room, which was a wreck, and picked up the empty pop cans from the floor.

As I was having sex with my girlfriend, I hear a loud scream coming from the kitchen. I put my clothes on, thinking that he probably cut himself making lunch. And there it was.

A used condom hanging out of the pop can with the insides drenched all over the sink and my other roommate's hands.

Not that it's possible to derail this thread, but I feel this is the most appropriate arena to share the fact that one time I put up a shelf during sex.

I thought you said "That one time I put a shelf up my ass during sex," but then I re-read it again.

Because that would be both funny and disturbing.

Vernon Signpost = Tim Taylor.

Almost! I never get caught at customs any time I have loads of cocaine on me, though.

To expand slightly, a book shelf had sort of half collapsed on top of me as the result of "enthusiasm". I had to send my girlfriend for the tool kit whilst I bore its weight. I then spent several minutes fiddling with screws and rawl plugs from a deeply uncomfortable position knowing that one slip would result in bruises and paper cuts in some deeply personal areas.

It was the closest my life has ever come to a scenario from a 70s sex comedy.

here is one, happened this summer.

I was on a bike trip with my girlfriend. We drove up a grassy hill overlooking the whole valley, the path seemed to come to an end and there were apple trees on the hill top. We walked 5meters off the path and rested in the short grass and after 10min with noone around started having sex. Then an old woman came up the hill, no time to hide anything at all. Then a man with a dog. Then a bicycle group with 4-5 people. All within 10m from us. It was so embarrassing it was funny as hell. You couldn't hide anything at all, we just froze in the act and laughed. In a small break when noone came, we did and after we packed, we realized that this was a hugely popular walking path between two near villages where people crossed ALL THE TIME.

I fell asleep while getting head.

She was none too pleased.

Obviously, neither was you.

I met this girl from Italy at the hostel I worked at last year. She was decent looking, nothing special, and while we shared some eye contact and glances here and there for a few days, I didn't approach her. Not sure why, just lazy I guess.

I went to do my laundry late one night and she was there. There was an abandoned coke can in between us and as an ice breaker I asked if it was hers. She said no and that I could have it. And from there we started talking. Her english wasn't very good, but I could understand her. I remember thinking how incredible her body was and how I wanted to fuck her right there on top of one of the washing machines Little Children style.

We chatted for a few minutes and didn't discuss anything sexual or otherwise, just small talk, but it was obvious we wanted to do something to each other. I didn't really feel like pushing it that night, so I took off. I went to sit down outside by myself and chill. She came out a few minutes later and sat on my lap. I thought, "wow, this one's very direct". We never said a word, just started making out. She was very aggressive, lifted my shirt and went to work on the ol' nipples, which kind of made me giggle because I'm ticklish.

I took her in the TV room and in the back on the comfortable sofa, finger banged her while we made out some more. She grabbed my junk and it was obvious we were going to do it. So I took her back to my room. She blew me and I remember thinking it was the best blowjob I'd ever had. In fact, I wasn't use to such pure, animal aggression on a girl's part. I couldn't believe my luck. As Richard Pryor once said, I was gonna "tear that pussy up". But then I remembered one of my rules. Always test the merchandise before indulging. I'd already fingered her, so I proceeded to sniff the goods.

Holy shit...I was almost thrown back from the foul odor. It was like shit mixed with some kind of raw sewage. Hard to describe. What followed was some of the worst acting I've ever done. Awkwardly, stammering like Woody Allen, I told her that tonight wasn't a good time and that we would have to pick it up tomorrow or next week. The entire time, the urge to scrub and sanitize my hand was so strong, I was nearly shaking. She seemed confused, but obliged. After she left I immediately cleaned my hand like I'd just reached into the core of some radioactive material.

And to think, I was gonna go down on her!

Damn Europeans...

ha ha ha wow, that started off as a "Dear Penthouse" to a WTF DUDE moment..wow sorry for your luck

This sounded like a job for.........INTERCOURSE!!!

I had a friend who got some naive young thing to let him get her in the butt. I suppose it all went fine but when he was done and pulled out, she crapped a bit. There was an uncomfortable moment between them, but the real problem for my friend, who called me right after she left, was that she just shit on his parent new, WHITE, sofa. He was freaked out saying that he coulnd't get the stain out and that trying to clean it was only making it worse.

His parents were coming home the next day and he had no idea what to do. I told him he was shit out of luck...pun intended. The next day i called him to see what happened and he told me he went out in the morning and baught a puppy, then blamed the dog. I laughed my ass off, thinking his parents, at least his dad, would probably have been less angry about it if they knew he just cornholed some chick. They still have that dog.

I love how buying a dog seemed like the best course of action. Awesome.

Should have named the dog Cornhole.

Not too bright doing a chick in the butt on a brand new, white sofa when she clearly wasn't prepared for it. Good story, though.

That is an insanely common urban legend, only in most versions the dog is put down. You guys are suckers.

Oh snap!

I loved when a girlfriend told me she always swallowed because it was "impolite not to". She was dead serious. Unfortunately, for such an experienced girl, she really didn't know how to suck a penis. They were glorified handjobs.

Sucking dick is harder than it looks. Simple motion, yes, but there's some technique involved!

You're doing something wrong.

My two favorite stories are secondhand.

1.

A buddy of mine who's a Navy chaplain and Catholic priest is hearing confession the day after the ship pulls out after three days inport in the Philippines.

"Forgive me, father, for I have sinned."

"Go ahead."

"I don't remember it all. But it had to do with two girls, a bottle of Vodka, and a goose.

<choking>

"Father, you ok?"

"What was the goose for?"

2. Another buddy, a fellow pilot, is settling down to some paperwork after the ship pulls out following three days inport in Thailand:

"Lieutenant, can I talk with you for a minute?"

"Sure, Airman Schmuckatelli. What's on your mind?"

"Sir, uh, something happened inport that's got me worried."

(Remembering extension for medical) "What's that?"

"Well, sir, we were all out drinking and we went to one of those bars with the girls on the stage."

"Yeah?"

"Well, one of the girls brought me up on stage, pulled my pants down, and, umm..."

"Sounds like your buddies set you up for the 'new guy' treatment."

"Yeah, but, while she was doing her thing, all these guys were watching, and I got really excited, and I, um, well, I came really really hard."

"..."

"Does that mean I'm gay?"

I love the white sofa gag, it's been around so long, the GLC even wrote a song about it - Dog Porn.

"He told me a story about a bird he shagged
He took for a spin in a car he blagged
They pulled into a lay-by and started getting busy
He ripped off her pants they were covered in cunt jizzy

She said to him, "you really make me hot,
i don't even mind about the cock rot!"
So he seized his chance and took a tricky brown
But it all went pear-shaped when he took a look down

There were loads of skid marks all over his seat
They were white leather so they'd be there for weeks
He blagged the car from his cousin in Aberdare
And when he gave it back there was shit everywhere"

I don't think i've told this story yet.

I'd been seeing this girl and we were staying at her parent's house they weren't bothered about us having sex, we're both 30+. But anyway this girl (who is now my wife btw) wanted to either have sex under the quilt or with the lights off, in case they came in. obviously, her parents have the house heated like a fucking reptile house and I'm rather hotblooded at the best of times so the covers thing wasn't happening - lights off it was.
So she starts going down on me but after a few minutes something is clearly wrong. I'm Ok, it was pretty good but she keeps stopping and spitting (pitch black remember) but i'm not coming or anything, she just keeps spitting and saying something's wrong. So we hit the lights and there's fucking blood everywhere, all over her, the sheets, the walls, it looked like Carrie's nightmare.

She starts freaking out but it's clearly bright red blood from my cock. She had nicked a vein and I hadn't noticed (I'd been drinking), it's 2am and her parents are gonna wake up so I calm her down whilst trying to staunch the blood flow (from my cock) with more bed linen. I stick her in the shower and strip the bed and it's gone all the way to the mattress. She remakes the bed whilst I rinse my cock in the sink trying very carefully not to get it bleeding again. I get back into bed with my clearly traumatised woman (with my dick in 2 socks and 2 pairs of underpants an about a mile of toilet paper) after cleaning every drop of blood off the floor and carpet/ sink/ window.

In the morning we jam the sheets down to the laundry. I however am unfamiliar with the model of washing machine favoured by my mother-in-law and it seems to go straight to a screaming spinning setting and so I bolt into the living room whilst she comes to check who's fucking with her $4,000 washing machine. She finds the sheets and asks my wife who says she had started her period even though it's totally the wrong type of blood and there's shit loads of it everywhere.

I can laugh about it, hell i was laughing about it 2 days later with my friends - but I think the wife has repressed the whole thing, I've only mentioned it once with her in 3 years and was met with stony silence. The maddest thing was, she's a nurse and she was the one freaking out even though it's me who is hemorraging from my genitals, I had to get my shit together and calm her down, clean everything (this took like 2.5 hours) and sort it all out.

and in case anyone starts with "Oh i heard that story years ago but there was a dog and a nun" or whatever, fuck you. This happened to me.

Wow, that story actually made me a little sick to my stomach. I probably would have passed out had it been my dick.

that son-of-a-bitch. I called him on the sofa thing and he's like, "what are you talking about?" all these years...

Yeah. I 've had blood come out with pee once, and I completely freaked out. I think I bent some laws of physics getting to the doctor's office, but it turned out simply to be a bladder infection.

But seeing blood coming out of my cock was just fucking wrong, man.

Happened to me, too. Bladder infection, plus passing kidney stones. Once you see that, life takes on a whole new fucking meaning. Shit like that, you don't joke about, lest you tempt fate.

My sympathies.

One night as I was minding my own business and just riding my bike around, my seat randomly cracked off, exposing the sharp metal piece under it that it was screwed to. I didn't notice at first - I was listening to my iPod and in that 'standing' position. [You know, where you're gaining speed and you're standing on the pedals, off the seat?] A few seconds later, I went to sit back down, still unaware it was gone.

Basically, I was raped by my bicycle

Just make sure Cronenberg gives you a good deal on the movie rights. Those Canadians can be pretty devious.

I always said that listening to an ipod whilst cycling was dangerous, now it seems even more so...

I guess this is both funny and disturbing:

Back in 2004 I worked at THE GAP, at the Beverly Center (a giant mall in beverly hills).

There was a girl I worked with. She was cute and something about her I couldn't quite put my finger on was mysterious and alluring...she seemed like one of those extreme dare chicks, who if you dared her to run through the mall naked during black Friday, she'd do it. But there was nothing overt about her being this way, it was in little insinuating things she did that weren't necessarily sexual...it's hard to explain.

Anyway, we hung out a few times at parties and what not but I never really hooked up with her. All the guys I worked with had the hots for her, but I'm not one for competing for girls, so I didn't really care. Eventually she ended up hooking up with one of my coworkers, and they became an item.

Flash foward to like months and months after I'd quit that place and hadn't seen her in a while, though I still hung out with a couple people from work (my two guy friends, one of which had hooked up with this girl, and my boss, who was really really cute, but I never did anything sexual with her).

One day I'm surfing the web for internet porn, as usual. And what do ya know...I stumble upon a site, black dicks/white chicks kinda deal, and who do I find as one of the "victims"? IT WAS THE GIRL I USED TO WORK WITH.

I called in my buddy who I'd worked with and his mouth dropped. "Holy shit, is that ----?!!!" We couldn't believe it and we couldn't stop laughing as we watched this innocent looking tease get pounded by dark meat. I don't think she'd even been in LA that long, and she'd already succumbed to the cliche.

Later we were in the car with THE GUY SHE WAS DATING (he was not black), and kept looking at each other, like, "should we tell him?" I never said anything, but my friend told me some weeks later that he told the guy and apparently he didn't seem to care...I think at that point they were on the downward spiral, or they'd broken up or something.

And just because I'm a nice guy, I'm going to link to this little nostalgic gem. Maybe one of you even know this chick too.

(you can click the thumbnails for a short clip)

http://xpornx.us/krawl/allinterracial/286/

well, she looks like fun!

I've never had a woman scream God's name during sex.

Nope.

I imagine it's hard to scream a word without vowels.

This Halloween, I went as a Team Fortress 2 Spy In Disguise. If you don't know what that is, here's a picture I found that summarizes it. Guy in suit, with a head-covering (n my case, a balaclava that looked exactly like this, but without the logo, and a simple cardboard mask with someone's face on itover that.

But I figured that if I did it completely true to the game, it'd be even lamer than it already was. So I made about 8 cardboard masks of famous people that I'd switch through the night at the party I went to.

Now, the outfit looked great, it did have a problem: I couldn't talk. Correction: I could talk fine, but you couldnt understand me. Because I couldn't talk (and claim I was McCain, Obama, Bush, Chuck Norris, can't remember the other ones), I made some "HELLO I AM" stickers.

So I go to the party I had planned on, and I got a lot of confused looks at first, but eventually people got the idea that I was going for someone with a Really Bad Disguise. So it worked.

After about an hour, I was ready to call it quits. Turns out, balaclavas get really, really hot. So I was about to pull it off and leave, when a woman I know (semi-well) and work with came up to me. After a few "great party"s, she flat-out offered herself to me.

I figured that she knew who it was underneath, and that it would be a trick, so I basically gave a "yeah right, no" pantomime. She said she didn't know who I was, and that she was lonely, and blah blah blah. I tried to take off my mask, and she stopped me.

So for an eternity (in male terms), I debated. Thing was, I don't like this girl. She's cute as hell, a very nice body, but personality wise she's unpleasant. I could spend an hour talking about it, but bottom line: she's cute. everyone has a crush on her. but she hates that everyone has a crush on her. She doesn't like that people think she's hot, but will loudly make jokes about how she got drunk and flashed her remarkably-ample chest once.

But eventually, I said to myself - why not? It was someone else's house, but she knew where the owner kept the condoms. We did our thing - I wanted to do one more thing, but she was adamant about the whole don't-take-off-the-costume thing, and she got up and took a shower, saying she would perfer me not to be at the party when she got out.

So, feeling both guilty and thrilled about the whole thing, I decide to leave. I was about 30 minutes walking distance from the party, so I didn't drive.

Now bear in mind, my body is burning up at this point. Suits are not exactly breathable, and the balaclava+mask thing wasn't helping either. So I foolishly decided to jog a little from the owner's house so that I can get out of Line of Sight and rip the thing off and get some of the cold midwestern air onto my face.

I didn't quite make it before I passed out from overheating.

Thankfully, the ONE other person I knew at the party had figured I was the one in the Spy Costume and saw me leave, so he found me passed out, got me some air, and half-carried me to my house. (I shudder to think what would happen if he brought me back to the party...)

So, no cliched and-she-found-out-and-kicked-my-ass ending to this one. She still doesn't know it was me, and she wouldn't tell her ex-that-still-loves-her (the one that helped me home) that she fucked a stranger. The ending, sadly, is pretty much that my costume has cockblocked me - if I ever got a piece of her now, she'd show I was the one who she had fun with at the party.

Sigh.

Me neither.

But I could've sworn one screamed Muad'Dib during sex.

My penis is a killing word.

But were you fucking on a water bed?

http://www.dune.cz/images/4/4f/Mcgil...r_duna1984.jpg

"Radb... is sporting a big one! Once again, it is the legend."

"Radb... is sporting a big one! Once again, it is the legend."